The Ceiling
Author's Note: Intro to a new story I'm starting, I love Connor, and I am going to write a little fanfic about him. This is just a little introduction and the first chapter should be up soon. I want to explore a relationship that Angel and Connor should be able to have, so I am assuming the team managed to win that last battle and ignoring the comic book series. I'm not a 100% sure where I am going with this, but let's find out together, lol.
Connor liked to stare at the ceiling sometimes. He knew that if could count tiles for long enough, he might be able to forget, if only for awhile. It made it easier to forget the last time he saw Cordy, his last day in Quortoth, Holtz's dead body, and the image of Angel's face as he dropped deeper and deeper into the ocean. Connor hated these memories. They screamed failure to him at every turn. Angel had given him a new family and a new chance, but the old Connor liked to pop up at odd moments and confusion would take over. When he saw a girl that looked like Cordy, Fred, or even Faith he would be taken back to a place where his own thoughts were the enemy. Connor was now able to recognize his past insanity, and new that he was on a slippery slope. One mistake and maybe he would attempt to blow up his new friends or new family, which is why he had spent Christmas alone this year despite the calls from his fake parents and fake sisters. The lie was too hard to believe now that the memories of his past life were more developed. It was like staring into the face of a life that could never fully be his. He was destined to be a killer, whether he wanted to be or not. Prophecies had proven that.
The fact was Connor needed to get to know Angel and understand the life that was taken from him by Holtz. He needed to know who he could have been before he could ever accept who he was. He was positive that Angel loved him in some way, if his deal with Wolfram and Hart was any indication, but Connor needed more than that. In his old life hate had blinded him, but that was no longer the case. He couldn't say he loved Angel in return but he recognized that Angel loved him, which is much more than the old Connor, who could only see Angelus's hate. He had made a plan, after Angel had survived the battle that Connor had helped at despite his orders to flee. Connor would spend this summer with his father, his real father. This was his chance to understand everything, his kidnapping and his mother Darla, who had been hidden from him for too long. Maybe then he could stop hating and fearing himself. He could stop counting tiles and forgetting. He could live.