Tag to episode 6x3 'third man' and possible Sam POV on the final conversation.
Disclaimer: standard – Supernatural is not mine.
Warning- no beta all thoughts and mistakes are mine.
SPSPSPSPSP
Dean had asked if I thought I was stronger than him.
My answer had been "no, that we are just different".
I figured Dean knew I was hiding something but that maybe Dean would mistake it for being that I wasn't actually fine and possibly that I was still tormented by my time in the cage.
Truth was I understood my torment in the cage. It was done and over with for now. I understood that I had deserved that and probably more for starting the Apocalypse. People had died in mass numbers because of me.
Was I stronger than him? Hell No. I am so much weaker. Yes, at one point I'd thought he was weaker. He was tormented by his Hell experience, but I had been so full of my own self worth back then, high on pride, power, and worst of all, high on Ruby's blood. I'd been the weak one addicted and manipulated.
I had been selfish and self righteous. I'd put myself above the needs of others. I realize now that my whole life was manipulated. My anger, Dad's need for revenge, my need for revenge, all of it had been well laid traps. They'd given me what looked like the good choice, the 'righteous' choice, and always it had been a trick. Never did the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many. I had deserved Hell and I knew it. My mistakes were so many. I had let evil live in Gordon and Jake with my belief in doing the 'right' thing. My stupid naïve trust in people. The whole world suffered and very nearly ended because of my weakness and my worst mistake of all trusting Ruby. I probably deserved worse than I'd gotten as Lucifer puppet and then while trapped below. Because my weakness and my failures had been truly evil, except for that final choice to save Dean's life from Lucifer. My life had been one long fall into evil because of my own weakness and emotions.
I had pretty much given up the why of my return. I figured someone had brought me back to do my job, hunting things. Until Cas said otherwise, I had been hoping God was responsible for my return topside but if God had done that he probably would be taking care of things in Heaven and he obviously isn't.
I am back, though no one knows how, at least not yet. I know I deserved Hell for all my bad choices and mistakes, unlike Dean I had earned my punishment. But I'm not below anymore so I will do the best job I can. I will hunt, perhaps atone for part of my past, but it doesn't matter nothing will save me in the end. I will continue the fight and protect Dean as best I can until I finally met a permanent end and return to Hell.
It doesn't really matter. I won't quit hunting again because I am good at killing things and now that Dean is back maybe he can save people again. I've missed that about my brother. My brother is the savior, the hero; he always has been the 'better' brother, even when I was too blinded to see it. He was always the one who could make the right choice and actually save people. I have finally learned to just hunt the things and avoid the people, avoid emotions, because every time my emotions get involved I mess up and make things worse. I'll stick to killing things because that at least I can do right. I've proven that much at least since my return.
Yes, I am fine. I am back. I'm no longer allowing emotion to cloud my judgment. I've been down that road and know it is the path to disaster. I have a purpose and while I may pause occasionally to appreciate the fact that I once again have a life that is all I plan to do, pause. I will take only the simple pleasures that come with it. My job, my life is hunting and killing supernatural things. I now accept that this is my life for as long as it may last.
I'd thought my final sacrifice was enough to free Dean from the hunting life, but I was wrong and now Dean is once again involved and at risk. I am the poison in Dean's life. I've been poison since birth and because of me he grew up too fast and surrounded by violence. I stole his chance at normal, at happy, by my very existence. For now, I can only try to protect him and let him do what he does best – protect the weak.
Dean had asked me about the kid. Yes, I'd cared that the kid would be in pain, but we'd needed the information. We needed more information to figure out what was going on, so causing the kid pain was necessary, besides the boy never should have sold his soul to start with, if he hadn't made the wrong choice then he wouldn't have suffered at all.
I think Dean is still tortured by memories of Hell, because of what happened and what he did. Dean cares, he can afford to care especially with me to watch his back. He never deserved Hell. I was the weak one, and probably still am. I deserved Hell. That is the difference between us, Dean never did, he chose it to try and save me. I deserved it and eventually I may return but until then there's work to do.
I'm glad Dean is back in the game. I missed him and while I'd thought he was safe I could carry on, knowing he was better of without me. But deep down I'm pleased, I once again have his strength and goodness beside me.
SPSPSPSPSP
A/N My thoughts on where Sam's head is and why he no longer seems concerned about people or anything other than the job or hunting. When you learn almost everything you thought was wrong how do you carry on? You change what you can. Sam tried to escape the hunting lifestyle so now is he just over embracing it?