Me See Free Me
A little something extra from Amplification.
Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds, any of the characters, or responsibility to not disappoint any fans.
The ambulance ride was bumpy and the siren was loud. It penetrated his pounding head like a jack hammer on concrete.
"How are you doing Dr. Reid?" Her stethoscope was cold through the scrubs he had been supplied with.
"My throats a little dry," he began, "But other than that, I feel fin…I feel fin…" The words he heard himself say were not the right ones. The poison was already affecting his parietal lobe. He remembered what Dr. Kimura had said, "Some of the other patients displayed this symptom shortly before they died."
"Ok, Dr. Reid," Her voice was soft. "Driver, faster."
Reid felt a cough rising in his chest. His vision blurred a bit as he tasted something metallic in his mouth. He couldn't believe that his lungs could hurt this much. The pain was so great he couldn't even distract himself with repeating statistics; everything in his head was all mixed up.
It took him a few moments to realize that Dr. Kimura was speaking to him. "Dr. Reid," She began, "I'm going to give you some morphine for the pain, ok?" His bandaged hand shot up to meet hers and pleaded with his eyes.
"No please!" was what he heard in his head but his voice betrayed him. "See mor cons!
"It's going to get much worse," she warned. "I don't know how much of this your body can take without something." Reid increased the pressure on her hand and shook his head. He wanted, no, needed her to understand but there was no way of telling her. All of his thoughts were lost when another cough racked his body. His lungs were on fire and he couldn't catch his breath.
He must have passed out because the next thing he knew he was being moved from the ambulance gurney to a hospital bed. His eyes burned as he took in his new surroundings. The walls were white and there were glass doors across from his bed. His vision was blurry and the pounding in his head had gotten worse but the pain in his chest was excruciating.
He felt a hand on his shoulder. Dr. Kimura was standing above him. "Dr. Reid. I know you are in a lot of pain. Please let me give you something." Reid shook his head a little too quickly, shooting pain down his neck and chest. "Why won't you let me help you feel more comfortable?" She asked in frustration. Reid raised his right arm and tried to point to the inside of his elbow. She studied him for a moment then moved to take a closer look. She didn't seem them at first. There were a number of small puncture marks, not fresh, in the crook of his arm. Then it made sense to her.
She lowered her voice. "I understand. How long have you been clean?" Reid sighed with relief and then raised his index finger. "One year?" She asked and he nodded. "Don't worry. No drugs." Reid let the relief wash over him. Whether he was going to live through this or not, he was coming out clean on the other side. He allowed his fever ridden brain to rest as he slipped into nothingness.
Even though he had surfaced into consciousness he had not opened his eyes. He was too weak to even try. He noted the scrubs were gone and they had been replaced with a hospital gown, it was wet with sweat and clung to his skin. There was an oxygen mask covering his mouth and nose. He could feel and hear people moving around him, but he couldn't focus on any of them. Their movements were blending in with the beeping from the various machines around him. Every muscle in his body was aching and each breath he took sent white hot pain through his chest.
Through all the noise there was a constant sound. He tried to wrap his fevered brain around it. He thought it was Dr. Kimura, but he couldn't hear or even understand what she was saying. The burning in his dry throat couldn't be quenched no matter how many times he swallowed. The dryness in his throat was completely opposite to the wetness he felt in his lungs and chest. He gasped for breath as if he was drowning.
He was on a frozen lake. There were large snowflakes falling, catching in his shaggy hair. The sun was warm but the air was frigged. All around him was quiet, eerily so.
"Help!" The scream burst out of the silence like a gun shot. He spun his head toward the sound. There across the lake was a woman. She was on her knees screaming for help. He ran towards her as fast as his legs would go. As he got closer he realized that it was Abby. "What is she doing here?" He wondered out loud, his voice sounded strange to himself. "She should be at the hospital."
As his feet beat against the frozen lake the cold air stung as it filled his lungs. He heard the crack before he saw it. The ice beneath his feet was gone before he had the chance to cry out. The coldness hit him like a thousand knives. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't move, he couldn't think. The pressure in his chest was so great he was sure it would burst. Just when he thought he was going to die, a hand appeared in the water, reaching for him. He grasped it and allowed himself to be pulled free of the frozen darkness.
He gasped, the air stinging as it filled his lungs. When he opened his eyes he saw her bright blue ones, pleading with his.
"JJ", he whispered in confusion.
"Spence," She grasped his arm. "You have to help me find Henry!"
"What?" He sat up. "Henry's out here on the ice?"
"He was on the carousel," She answered. "When I looked back he was gone."
Reid looked around to find they were still on the frozen lake but now there were hundreds of people laughing and running around the huge carnival surrounding them. How were they going to find Henry among all these people? He couldn't let JJ down. She helped him to his feet and pulled him towards her. "This way," she called and then she was running. He tried to keep up but she was too fast and his legs felt like they were stuck in wet sand.
He bent forward on his knees to catch his breath. He raised his hand to his mouth to cover his mouth as a deep cough was rising from his chest. It came away slick with blood. That was when he realized that the noisy world around him had turned silent. All the happy families and people who had been enjoying the carnival were now corpses, littering the area. Their brown decaying faces staring at him, judging him.
"JJ!" He cried. "Henry! Where are you?" The urgency in his own voice willed his feet to move again. He didn't know which way he was going but he knew he couldn't let them die too. As he round the corner near the Ferris wheel he heard the crying of a small child. He stopped to listen, it had to be Henry. He followed the sound and found Henry alone on the edge of the carnival. Reid moved to scoop him into his arms but watched in horror as Henry dissolved into the wind. "NO!" He cried, but it was too late. Everything around him was dissolving into hot sand and blowing into oblivion.
He crumbled to the ground waiting to dissolve like the world around him.
He was aware of the heart monitor first, it was beeping methodically. He cracked his eyes open against the light for a moment and found Morgan seated next to him reading a magazine.
"Are you eating Jell-O?" his voice cracked against his ears.
"Hmm. Hey kid," Morgan turned and called. "Hey doc, he's back."
Reid rubbed a hand against his ribs as he shifted, asking "Is there anymore Jell-O?"
"Hey, not so fast," Dr. Kimura replied.
"What happened?" Reid asked, wishing he had a toothbrush.
"You're gonna be alright kid, and we got Brown. It's over." Morgan supplied.
"How's Abby?" Reid inquired. He couldn't shake the events of his dream.
"On the mend," Dr, Kimura replied. "So are the 3 others. You were right about where to look for his cure."
Reid smiled to himself then looked to Morgan, "Why was Dr. Nichols making anthrax in the first place?"
Morgan sighed before he began, "He was a brilliant scientist drown graded to working on the flu. Then Brown comes along looking for help with his thesis…"
"He was probably more than happy to share his knowledge." Reid finished.
"There was no indication that Nichols had any idea what Brown was planning." Morgan added.
Dr. Kimura chimed in "His strain and its cure are getting locked up in containment at Fort Detrick, with all the other bio-agents people don't know about."
"Really," Morgan chuckled. "What else do they have locked up in there?"
Reid took a deep breath and winced, clenching his eyes shut. "How are you feeling, Dr. Reid?" Dr. Kimura moved closer as she asked her question.
"Tired," he replied truthfully. "My chest still hurts, but better. May I have some water?"
"I'll get you some" she smiled warmly.
Morgan studied him, "I'm glad you're ok kid, but if you ever pull something like this ever again I will let Ms. Penelope Garcia take it out on your skinny ass. You understand me?"
Reid smiled as he laid his head back against the pillow. "Yeah, I hear you." He looked at his friend. "Go home Morgan and get some rest. You look terrible."
"Oh, I look bad?" Morgan miffed. "Coming from you that really hurts." He sighed. "You really gave us all a scare." He pulled himself to his feet. "Get some rest. I'll be back in a bit."
"Thanks," Reid replied quietly.
"Try not to get yourself into any more trouble while I'm gone!" He called over his shoulder. "Please let me know how he's doing," Morgan requested as he passed Dr. Kimura.
"Of course," She replied. "They really care about you Dr. Reid." She placed the cup of water on the side table and helped him sit up.
"I am very lucky to work with such wonderful people." He swallowed hard. "They are my family." She handed him the cup of water. "Thank you," he took a small sip of water, it was cool against his throat, but he couldn't suppress the cough it brought.
"Not too fast," She warned. "You're body is really going to need some time to recover." She began to check his vitals and listen to his breathing. "I'm going to keep you on oxygen for another day or two and we are going to monitor your lungs closely. Some of your organs had begun to shut down, so I just want to run a few more test to be sure everything is healing as it should be. You're going to be fine, but you have to rest. Once you are released from the hospital you are to spend a minimum of 2 weeks in bed." Reid began to protest, "Look, I have all the say on when you return to the field, so I could keep you here as long as I want."
Reid sunk deeper in the bed. He knew he was going to need time to recover, but he hated being sick and being babied like he knew the team would. Garcia would shower him with soup and stuffed animals with balloons tied to their arms. Not that he didn't love the care and generosity they showed him, he was grateful for that, he just hated the fact that he had put himself into this situation when he could have prevented it. Just like Georgia.
"I am going to wait a few more hours and then we will try getting some food in you." Dr. Kimura replaced her stethoscope around her neck.
"Thank you," Reid smiled, "for everything." He looked into her eyes.
"You're welcome." She gave him a soft smile in return.
"Look, about the narcotics…" Reid began.
"You don't have to explain anything to me." Dr. Kimura held up her hand.
"Please," Reid replied, "I want you to understand why." She studied him for a moment and then took Morgan's empty seat.
"A few years ago we were working on a case in Georgia. Agent Jereau and I had gone to interview a potential witness. It turned out that he was actually the unsub, unknown subject." He explained. "Anyway, he ran and I suggested we split up, he ambushed me." He paused, debating on how much information he was going to give up. "He held me captive for 2 days. During that time he repeatedly injected me with Dilaudid." Reid sighed. "He was a very confused person and he thought he was helping me." Reid studied his hands for a moment before he looked up at her.
"Dilaudid is a very powerful and addictive substance." Dr. Kimura smiled at him. "You should be proud of yourself for breaking its hold on you."
"I've worked so hard to get myself to this point and to stay clean." He looked into her eyes. "So, thank you again."
"You're welcome." She sighed. "Now, I am going to have a nurse come and change your IV. I want you to get some more rest."
The next few days were filled with visits from the team. Some were one on one and some were in groups of 2 or 3. He did his best to stay awake while they were there, but a few times he found his eyes closing on their own. No one spoke ill words of him going into the house on his own. He waited for Hotch to reprimand him, but he hadn't done it yet. Maybe he was waiting to do it after he was released from the hospital. His body was healing slowly. His lungs still hurt but at least he didn't feel like they were going to come up his throat in chunks.
Gradually one by one the 4 other patients were released and Reid found himself alone in the part of the hospital that was set up for the treatment of the Anthrax patients. There had been no word in the media about the Anthrax attacks, so he couldn't be moved to another part of the hospital. That was just fine with Reid; he spent most of the time asleep anyway. Even though he was getting better, he still woke up a lot of the time to the sleeping form of a co-worker slumped in the chair beside his bed. He knew it was just a matter of time before they had to leave on a case and he would be all alone. Garcia had brought him a few books, but they sat uncharacteristically untouched on the bedside table. He couldn't get his eyes to roll through no more than a few pages before he felt them grow heavy.
He awoke one morning to find the oxygen apparatuses had been removed. He wiggled his nose with a new sense of freedom. This was a good sign; it meant he could go home soon. As if almost on queue Dr. Kimura came in with a smile. "You look much better today Dr. Reid."
"I feel better," he pulled himself up. "Am I going to get released today?"
"I have decided that your lungs have healed enough that I feel comfortable sending you home with strict instruction to rest with a continuing regimen of antibiotics." Reid smiled. "You are to be back here in 5 days for a full check up."
"Yes, ma'am." Reid replied.
"One of your ream members will be here to take you home within the hour." With that she left.
Reid knew it would be Morgan before he even got in the room. He had Reid's go bag slung over his shoulder. "I brought you some clothes." Reid had completely forgotten about the clothes he had been wearing when he was exposed. They were long gone. His favorite pair of converse sneakers were gone, a small price to pay. Morgan waited patiently as Reid dressed himself in the bathroom. His muscles were weak and he was wobbly on his feet but he was able to get himself in a semi-respectable condition before he came out of the bathroom.
Morgan was grinning from ear to ear behind an empty wheel-chair Reid knew was meant for him. "I get to push you around a little bit longer," Morgan teased. He knew just how tired and sick Reid was when he slumped into the chair without the slightest protest. Reid also didn't protest when he helped him up the stairs to his apartment and onto the couch. When Morgan returned from the SUV with Reid's go bag over his shoulder and the bag of the antibiotics in his hand he found Reid's asleep on the couch. Even though he only lived on the second floor the effort it took to get there had broken him out in a light sweat. Morgan spent the first night with him, after that he was on his own.
The team had been called to Ohio on a case. Garcia was held up in her little tower of technology and she didn't have much time to check up on him. She called him daily to make sure he was ok and made a point to call him the morning of his appointment with Dr. Kimura so he wasn't late. He pulled himself out of bed and studied his reflection in the mirror. There were dark circles under his eyes, well darker than usual. His face was pale, but there was a little color returning. After a shower he got himself dressed and hailed a cab.
The check up with Dr. Kimura went well. She said he was healing up as he should be and to continue taking the antibiotics and unless he felt worse he wouldn't have to see her again. He had made a joke about hopefully not hurting her feelings when he said he hoped he never had to see her again. She had laughed and then sent him on his way.
Reid was lying across the couch with a book, when there was a knock at the door. He got up to the door and saw Hotch through the peep hole. He opened it to allow him to enter, knowing that it was finally time for his reprimand. Hotch had asked how he was feeling as they made their way to sit in the living room. He had made small talk about that case they had just finished up. Gradually the topic of conversation had moved into a direction where Hotch's stern voice came into play. "Reid, I.." He began, "Spencer." Then he hesitated, "You are a very valuable asset to the FBI and the BAU. You should have waited for the house to be cleared."
"You're right." Spencer's voice sounded so small. "I'm so sorry."
Hotch sat silent for a few minutes. Reid simply waited. "Spencer, when you were taken back in Georgia, it was a hell on earth trying to find you." Reid had not been prepared for that statement. He studied his hands, something he did when he was uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. "We watched Tobias torture, and kill you. We thought we had lost you. I can easily say that that is something I never wanted to experience again. Unfortunately in our line of work, I don't think that is a luxury we are entitled to."
"What luxury is that?" Reid asked in confusion.
"Freedom from the fear of not knowing if this job is going to take everything from you." Hotch took a deep breath. "You are a part of this team and this family. Let me be clear when I say that you are never to put this team, this family, through the fear of believing we've lost you again. Is that understood?"
Reid simply nodded. He had spent most of his life with only his mother concerned for his wellbeing, and that was when she was lucid, that he didn't know how to react to that kind of concern. Reid felt his eyes begin to water, but was just too tired to cry. They sat for a few more minutes, until Hotch politely excused himself so Reid could get some rest. Reid slept that night, but it was not a restful sleep.
About a month had gone by. Reid was feeling much better, and his body was practically back to the way it was before the anthrax attack. He had gotten back into his daily routines; he was back at work surrounded by the people he loved and the people who loved him. The others weren't gasping each time he coughed or rushed to his side when he showed the slightest sign of dizziness. Things had just gotten back to "normal" when they got the call that they were needed in Canada.
fin