Chaos
Pittsburgh
In the beginning, there were three. J.D., Sandra, and Susie. It all
started innocently enough. They were considered too different to fit into any
high school social group. They all wore too much black, listened to too much
heavy metal, and acted too much like individuals.
Jason came to this school wearing a v-neck sweater, oxford shirt and
khakis. His parents wanted him to fit in. He thought they were crazy if they
thought this would help him fit in, or that he wanted to fit in. At first, he
did want that. This was their first move. He had left the home he had known all
his life, and left a lot of people behind, and he had hoped to recover some of
that comfort, but the people here were different, and that made him different.
He would walk down the hallway and be bumped into and nearly knocked over by
almost everyone that passed. They didn't even have to ignore him. Why would you
have to ignore something you don't even know exists?
Then, one day, he was passing a stairwell and noticed the light from a
nearby window shining down on her. He got a little bit closer without her
knowing he was there. He felt drawn to her, which he thought was crazy. He
didn't even know this girl. He had never even seen her in any of his classes or
walking the halls, and he would have remembered seeing her. She had long,
platinum blond hair, and very fair skin. She was shorter than most girls, but
that did not seem to be a problem for her. She was wearing a black trenchcoat
that practically swallowed her body like a cape, but as she leaned back against
the wall, the trench hung behind her and revealed her intense figure. She was
wearing a hot pink, low-cut blouse, and tight black jeans. Her lips were pale
pink and her eyes were the most incredible blue-green. She didn't cake her face
with make-up like every other girl in school, because she had the natural beauty
they didn't. He was struck speechless. He didn't dare move. He was afraid she
would realize he was staring at her.
People passed by her as they came and went from the staircase, but they
didn't ignore her. You couldn't possibly not notice someone like her. She looked
dark, but there was a luminescence that you could see was inside her just by
looking at her face. Everyone gave her nasty glares and disgusted noises as they
passed, as if they were trying to put her in her place, show her that she
doesn't deserve their attention. Ironically enough, that's exactly what they
gave her. You'd guess they hated her for having that light inside her because
they were so completely ordinary and she was just unbelievably extraordinary,
and without any of the bullshit they needed to feel that way.
She glanced up quickly, staring in Jason's direction, then her eyes
narrowed, her teeth clenched, and his body stiffened in fear and embarrassment.
"What the fuck are you looking at?" She barked the words as if he was a predator
stalking her, her voice so full of hatred and fury for something so beautiful
and delicate-looking.
He was about to make some sort of pathetic attempt to explain how he
didn't mean to stare and that he was just curious, and maybe if she wasn't too
pissed off, ask what her name was. Before he could get past nervous stuttering a
voice called out from behind him and scared the shit out of him. "What am I
looking at?"
"Yeah! What? Are you deaf? I said what the fuck are you looking at?"
"Something frightening!" This asshole and his lemming buddies started
laughing, but their laughter came to an abrupt halt when she started laughing
too. Her soft, bubbly laugh swelled and rose to fill the whole hallway, and it
got the football players' blood boiling to see her laughing it up.
She reached inside her coat and pulled out a six-shooter. Then she gave
them a complacent smile and spoke to reveal her true sultry, soft voice. "How's
this for something frightening." Her voice was so innocent and velvety, he could
barely believe it. He was so enraptured by her presence and her courage to pull
a stunt like that, he hardly noticed the amusing way everyone fled clumsily and
panicky, revealing the true people they were on the inside. Jason was the only
one left in the hallway and she did not seem to have noticed him, until now.
"Well..." She seemed to be saying she was aware he had been staring at her
incessantly. She replaced the gun as she spoke, then gazed up at him as he
warily approached her. He had not even been scared by the fact that she was
carelessly wielding a lethal weapon. All he could think was how impressed he was
by her, by her strong sense of self. She knew exactly who she was. She must
never have been told what to think, or say, or wear by anyone. Her opinion was
the only one that mattered to her. He thought of how perfect society and teenage
life would be if we could all be like that. "How's the view?"
He was lost for words. He couldn't begin to express all these thoughts
swirling around his head, let alone to the person he was thinking them about.
"I...I'm sorry...I...It's amazing."
She gave a sincere bubbly giggle as he imagined only she could. He
couldn't see how anyone else in the world could make that kind of sound when
they laughed. It was enchanting. "Thank you."
"Color me impressed. I could never carry a gun to school, nevermind pull
off something like that."
"It's nothing. Guns don't bother me as much as they used to. There's much
worse things in the world. I mean, fuck guns, high school itself'll kill ya.
Besides, it's not even loaded. You can't get into any real trouble if the gun
isn't even loaded."
"Well, you can't get in trouble if no one knows, either. I won't tell
anyone." He was grinning rather deviously, but he wasn't too aware of it. He was
coming off as smooth and confident, two things he never was.
"What a wonderful philosophy. Thanks for bein' such a sweetheart because
you could've been a real dick." She pulled out a pack of cigarettes from her
coat pocket and placed one between her lips. He thought she just did it to draw
attention to her lips. Even if she didn't, it worked. "Cigarette?" She extended
the box towards him, offering him the chance to join her, and he was really
beginning to regret the fact that he didn't smoke. He wasn't even sure he could
if he tried.
"No, thanks."
She lit the cigarette and took a long, deep puff, then took the cigarette
between her fingers and held it at her side, exhaling the smoke in rings.
"Unfortunately, I don't think your vow of silence will do me any good. A hallway
full of people just saw me with it, so I'll probably get busted again."
"What? Like jail?"
"Nah. I've done stuff like this a couple other times, and I never got
arrested. I'll just get suspended for a couple days, a week if I'm lucky."
The bell rang, and though he hated to leave, he knew he should. School
society he didn't care for, school itself was important to him, however. He was
good at school. He was very smart. All his teachers said he could do anything if
he put his mind to it, though he doubted the truth in that. He had to go. If he
didn't have a test in biology he would skip, which he never did, but he would
have for her. "I...ugh...I have to go. I've got this test, but I'll see you
around." He thought how conversations that end with those words are usually
people who never speak after that or even see each other. He wanted her to know
who he was, and he wanted her to remember him, so that wouldn't happen. "I'm--"
"Jason Dean. I know." She gave him a sweet, knowing smile. He was blown
away by the mere idea that she knew his name. She knew who he was. She just saw
him and knew who he was. The thought was too perfect to fully comprehend. He had
no idea how she knew his name, but he was thrilled that she did. He had class
though, and so he hesitantly departed up the stairs, glancing back at her every
chance he got until she was no longer visible. Just like that, they met.
That night, Jason had just said good night to his parents, and was ready
to turn out the light and go to bed. No sooner had he turned out the last lamp
in his room, than he was startled by a loud knock on his window. He did not know
what to make of the situation at first. He wondered if it was a tree branch,
someone playing around, or his imagination. He had no friends here yet, since
they hadn't been here long enough to really know anyone. Then when he did
nothing, the knock came again, louder and more impatient. He carefully drew back
the curtain and saw the girl from the hallway standing outside his first floor
window. It was her! How the hell did she find him? What the hell was she doing
here? There was only one way he could find out. He slid the window open, and
without even saying a word, she climbed inside, and stood in the middle of the
room directly in front of him, as though it were the most natural thing in the
world.
"Hi." He meant it more as a question than a greeting.
"Hello, Jason Dean!" She suddenly seemed to be lacking words for the
situation, showing a small amount of awkwardness, which actually made him feel
more relaxed.
"Greetings and Salutations!" It was something silly to say since she was
acting a bit silly herself, but she smiled when he said it. He wondered if maybe
he should say that more often. He found her smile exhilarating. He was possessed
by her. He figured someone should break the silence and get through the initial
uneasiness. "Why are you here? How did you even know where I live? How did you
know my name? I guess the big question is do you have a boyfriend?" He
immediately regretted having said that. He sounded like he was being way too
forward, and by the look on her face, and the little laugh she let out, he could
tell she thought he was being very forward.
"You get right to the point, don't you."
"Well, in all fairness, I don't know anything about you, but you know an
awful lot about me and you're knocking at my window and climbing into my bedroom
at twelve o'clock at night."
"Touché"
"I think it's safe to say you're being a bit more forward than I am at
this point."
"Okay, ask me again, one by one." She seemed very coy, and equally
impressed with him as he had been with her earlier that day.
"Why are you here?"
"Because you live here."
"How did you know where I live?"
"I followed you home."
"How did you know my name?"
"Because you seem like a nice guy."
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
She hesitated, glanced away, then with her eyes fixed on the floor, she
spoke very softly and delicately. "Ask me that one again a little bit later."
"Then, what are you doing here?" He kept thinking of what he wanted her to
say. He wanted to hear that she wanted him like he wanted her. He wanted her to
say that she hasn't been able to stop thinking about him. He kept trying to
elicit those type of responses from her, but she resisted. It was the first
forward effort he had ever made towards a girl. Usually, he was too shy to
really approach them, but she was different. They could be different together.
It was all he could think about.
"You want me to go?" She seemed defensive, as though she felt she wasn't
wanted. She did not want to give him the kind of response he was prying for.
"No." His voice was heavy with guilt and frustration. "I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to make it sound like..." He trailed off, thinking of how he shouldn't have
pushed. He felt he was searching for what he wanted to see, not what was really
there. Maybe she wasn't interested in him at all and he was being an asshole. At
least, he felt like one.
"No, I'm sorry. I just...It's just that I don't climb into some stranger's
bedroom window every day."
"That's good." He sounded relieved that this was not something she did for
everyone, just him. She was an enigma to him. She was a chaotic creature,
baffling at that. She was extreme, and that is what made her first impression
upon him. "But why me?" Part of him had to know why she was so taken with him.
"I was attracted to you when I first saw you walking the halls," she
whispered as she closed the gap between them, "but I figured you were just like
the rest of them. Then, you talked to me today in the hall, and I wanted to come
by to see if you were serious."
"Serious about what?"
"About being my friend. About spending time with me. About who you seemed
to be, or if that you was just an act."
"You're awfully suspicious."
"You can't trust people. Almost nobody is who they seem to be. I liked who
you were, and I want to know if that's the real you, or if you're just another
one of those jock assholes like Kerri." Jason assumed she meant the asshole who
provoked her to draw the gun this afternoon. He thought she was a little
paranoid, but he was impressed with her honesty as he was with everything else
about her.
"No, this is me. Jason Dean is just some invisible nobody whose life
couldn't be more boring or lonely. How about you?"
"You don't want to know."
"Of course, I do. I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know."
"No, I mean it. Some people say that because they think it's worse than
everyone else's life could possibly be. I say it because I mean it. You don't
want to know anything about me. You don't need to know anything about me before
this moment."
"Before this moment?"
"Well, yeah. Anything that happens from now on, you're going to be there
for, right?" She obviously meant she wanted him around her long-term, and that
was good enough for him to hear.
"Can I at least know your name?"
"As of this moment, it's Sandra."
"As of this moment?"
"Well, you're gonna hear everyone calling me Kristen, but I'm changing it
when I'm 18. Sandra's what my best friend, Susie calls me, so to you, it's
Sandra." He knew it would be a futile effort to inquire as to why she wanted to
change it, so he didn't bother. Besides, she was busy staring into his hazel-
green eyes. He was already losing his train of thought, when she moved in close
enough that he felt the warmth of her breath on his neck. She gazed deep into
his eyes with a sultry stare. She whispered to him in the silence of the blue-
black darkness. "J.D." No one had ever called him that before, but coming from
her, it sounded so cool. She finally pressed her lips against his sweetly and
sensually. Everything happened so fast after that. Somehow, they had managed to
make it to his bed without realizing how they did it. It came so natural to
them. They were both only fifteen, virgins at that. He gave his heart and soul
to her that night. While they were lying in each other's arms afterwards, their
heads swirled with thoughts of how perfect everything was and how perfect they
would be together. Finally, they weren't alone in more ways than one. That
night, J.D. was born.
So, there were the three of them. Them against the entire school society
and everything they stood for, but they weren't fighting a war. They were just
being themselves, which was a concept so revolutionary and foreign to the others
in the school it was practically unheard of, and unacceptable. Susie wasn't
around much at first. J.D. knew her as Sandra's best friend, and little more.
She was different from Sandra. She wore different clothes and styles, but they
were just as strange to everyone else. She was always told she looked like
trailer trash with her cut-off jeans and her vampire red hair with brown roots
and ends, black eye make-up and dark lipstick. J.D. didn't see anything wrong
with it. Susie was no less a real person than Sandra. He liked having her around
the two of them. Between the three of them, they had some wild times, plenty of
fun, and best of all, nothing else in the world mattered. There was just the
three of them in the entire world. They had schedules. J.D. would meet Susie
after first period, then go pick up Sandra on the other side of the school to
cut second period. It was during such a cut that Sandra got J.D. to smoke his
first cigarette. He liked the changes that she had inspired in him, and was
happier being the person he had become. He felt it was his true self, but Sandra
was always his better self. They overcame jock assholes like Kerri and his
puppets. They felt like they were invincible. Then, as J.D. had expected, he
discovered it was not meant to last. Something happened.
J.D. was in his sixth period biology class, when it happened. He was
nearly falling asleep at his desk, when a commotion arose in the hallway. A girl
was screaming and it was getting closer. J.D. could only wonder what the hell
was going on now. Probably the bitches of the school causing trouble again,
traumatizing some poor victim of theirs, just like the assholes did, only with
that feminine touch.
The door to J.D.'s classroom burst open and startled everyone, but J.D.
was suddenly petrified when he saw who it was. It was Sandra, her face wet with
tears, but her eyes were in a trance and she wasn't crying. She probably cried
until she couldn't cry anymore. That wasn't even what was so alarming. J.D.'s
biggest fear came from what shocked everyone else as the entire class fell
silent looking upon Sandra standing at the front of the classroom, not wearing
any clothes. J.D. stood up as soon as his fear stopped keeping him from moving.
He was terrified of what was going on. He rushed to her, wanting to know
why she was running around school completely naked. He removed his trenchcoat
and wrapped it around her, gently guiding her out of the classroom. Everyone was
staring at her, some of the perverts thrilled at her appearance nude, thinking
she was an exhibitionist or something. J.D. knew Sandra and he knew something
had gone horribly wrong. He hadn't noticed any bruises or cuts, so she seemed to
be physically alright. Maybe those assholes had stripped her clothes off to
humiliate her or something, in which case, they would pay. J.D. swore whoever
did this to her would be punished for it.
He led her down the hall amidst a gathering of spectators he casually
turned to and screamed, "What the fuck are you looking at? Fuck off!" He
gathered her up in his arms and carried her out of the school and to the parking
lot, stopping by a payphone, anticipating he would have to call the police.
"Sandra. Sandra? Can you hear me? Sandra, are you okay? Sandra, who did this to
you? Sandra, please!" He was pleading with her to arrive at some form of
coherent consciousness. At this point, she was practically catatonic.
"J.D.?" She seemed barely aware he was holding her close to him, trying to
protect her from what had already happened.
"Yeah, it's me. Sandra? Sandra, who did this to you?"
"J.D., I love you. Have I ever told you that?"
"Sandra." He was too set on finding out who did this to realize the full
meaning of what she had said. It almost wasn't heard at all.
"Have I?"
"No, you haven't." His tone was morbid.
"I do. I always have."
"I've always loved you, too. I always will love you." He hated feeling so
helpless. He wanted to take action, not think about how awful this was. "Sandra,
what happened?"
"He raped me, J.D. That fucking asshole Kerri fucking raped me."
J.D. was burning with hatred on the inside, but right now he needed to
take care of Sandra, and the first important step in doing so was getting her to
the hospital, then calling the police. That was exactly what he did. People came
and went, offering their pity, their help, or their cold shoulder. The ambulance
came and sped her away from him.
J.D. was waiting for the bus to the hospital so he could follow Sandra. He
hated being away from her, especially at a time like this. He hated the idea of
her being alone, which is why he stayed with her instead of go to kill Kerri. Of
course, Kerri hadn't been seen since fourth period, so no one knew where he was,
but J.D. would track him down wherever he was. He felt so helpless, it was
driving him crazy. Just when he thought he couldn't take being alone and knowing
Sandra was alone at this moment, Susie walked up to him. He called out to her
before she even reached him.
"I assume you heard." His tone was biting, raging with no outlet.
"Everyone's heard. I assume you know."
"Know what specifically?"
"Kerri'll never be charged. His father fucking runs this town. He's got
the cops in his fucking back pocket. I should know." Susie was having a hard
time with a cop that kept harassing her. The way she talked about it, you'd
think the cops Susie got arrested by tended to develop crushes on her. She
always wound up in the custody of a bad cop. According to Susie, she moved here
to get away from that one cop who wouldn't leave her alone. She was pretty
street smart for someone born and raised in the Florida everglades. Her
independence was probably what gave her her strength and sense of self that
Sandra loved about her so much.
"You mean that asshole's gonna get away with this?"
"J.D., it's not your fault. You didn't know. They're not gonna do anything
for her at that hospital, except lock her up in the fucking psycho ward!"
"What are you talking about? Why would they do that?"
"Because she's been there before. Did Sandra ever tell you why she has
such a hard time sleeping? It's because Kristen couldn't sleep for three months.
They had to lock her up in a mental institution because she was having
nightmares, and they were fucking with her head. No one's gonna believe she was
raped by Kerri Riley, especially considering who his father is."
"Susie, she was fucking raped! There's evidence--"
"J.D., Kerri is fucking smarter than that. He's fucking captain of the
football team! Do you really think he's gonna leave any evidence that could get
him thrown in jail? Kerri probably won't even be back in school for a couple
weeks, because conveniently enough, he and his parents are going on vacation
today, so he even has a fucking alibi. Sandra's word doesn't mean shit, not at
school and not to the cops."
All J.D. could do was sit there quietly, waiting for the bus with Susie,
wondering how they could have deserved this. He realized they didn't deserve it.
It was everyone else who deserved to suffer. He just kept thinking of poor
Sandra, wondering if she was okay, where she was, what she was thinking. He
heard her over and over, like a broken record. "J.D., I love you." Like she knew
she was saying good-bye.
J.D. visited Sandra in the psycho ward at the hospital every day for two
weeks. She was catatonic, not even a hint of her former self. J.D. tried to
discover some trace of her lying dormant within her silent shell, but nothing
stirred in her. She sat and stared into empty space. The last time he saw her,
she glanced right into his eyes, catching him off guard, and whispered, "I love
you."
J.D. was just getting out of class, recalling those three words from
Sandra's mouth when he had visited her yesterday. He glanced around on his way
out, knowing Kerri should be showing his fucking face any day now. Anger and
rage stemmed inside him from seeing every one of Susie's predictions come true.
She was a smart girl and tough too. Sandra had been that tough, and it hurt J.D.
more than he ever thought he could be hurt to think how weak she was now. His
mind was on Sandra when Susie waved him down from across the parking lot. J.D.
trudged over to her, his mind weighted down with his worries, his pain, his
hate, his love. Everything consumed him at once. Then he got a closer look at
Susie's face. Her black eyeliner was smeared all over her cheeks and her wet
face was eerily reminiscent of Sandra's when she first appeared after that
fucker raped her.
"Susie? Are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." Her voice cracked as she choked on her uncontrollable
tears. Her hazel eyes alone told the sad story that was coming. Something else
had happened. What could possibly happen now? J.D. was sick of these surprises,
the way they tormented him, the way chaos reigned supreme and worked against
them instead of for them. If he could harness chaos, he'd direct it to where it
should have been in the first place. J.D. always liked chaos theory because it
warned against predictability, but maybe he could use that to his advantage one
day. Now he was still wondering what chaos had done to make Susie so upset.
"Not Sandra?" He was pleading more than asking. He did not want her to
suffer any worse than she already had. She was locked up in a psycho ward with
her rapist on vacation and going uncharged and unpunished.
"J.D...." She wanted to say something, but was more afraid of how he'd
react than of what had actually happened.
"What, Susie? Come on, Susie, don't do this to me! What is it?"
"I'm so sorry, J.D."
"Sorry for what? What happened? Will you just tell me already!"
She hesitated one more moment, then decided she should just say it,
because there was really no other way of going about it. "Sandra killed herself
in the hospital last night." She paused, trying to give him a chance to react,
but nothing. "J.D., she's gone."
"That's impossible. Sandra wouldn't take her own fucking life!"
"What kind of life is living in a psycho ward, J.D. She'd take her life if
she didn't fucking have one!" She knew she was being harsh, but J.D. needed to
be able to accept this as reality, and not think he was going to wake up
tomorrow and she'd be at his side ready to sneak out before his parent's knocked
on his door."They weren't gonna let her out of there. They wanted to transfer
her to a mental institution back east. She resisted, and found an alternative
solution when no one would listen to her. She couldn't take that shit. I'm
sorry, but that's what happened. I just wanted to tell you, so you'd hear it
from me, and not some asshole or some stupid bitch. I'm really sorry, J.D."
J.D. had been in tears the first few days and then he just stopped talking
to anyone, kept staying home from school, blocking out the rest of the world.
This would be the first time he'd been out of the house in a week. He decided
he'd go out and get the mail, since his father was expecting a package and no
one else was home. His parents understood his mourning. After all, how would you
expect a fifteen year-old to act after all this bullshit. He opened the mailbox,
stuck his hand inside, and pulled out a single piece of mail. The only thing
that was there was a postcard, probably from one of his father's business
associates. The postcard had a picture of Los Angeles on it that made it look
like paradise, a beautiful beach with waves crashing down on the shore. Peace,
and no chaos. Only man can create the kind of chaos that would produce these
kinds of scars. J.D. hated thinking like this, but he was becoming more and more
accustomed to it. He and Susie were both confining themselves to their homes,
and tomorrow they would both be returning to school together, braving the storm
as the two left of the three they had been. J.D. flipped the postcard over to
see who it was from, but the back was blank. Nothing, except his address typed
out on a label. J.D.'s eyes lifted from the blank postcard as the thought crept
into his head. It was her. Los Angeles. She got out. She escaped. That's where
she is. He stood perfectly still as the breeze engulfed him. She was alive.
J.D. was walking the hallway, escorting Susie to class on their first day
back. Together they were able to block out the whispering and the staring, and
just be themselves again. It helped both of them to find out that the other had
received the exact same blank postcard. They were still missing half of each of
them though, a part that would not be coming back, that couldn't come back, a
part that wasn't dead, but was lost to them. They continued as if nothing had
changed. They wouldn't let on to a single soul, not even Sandra's parents. J.D.
said good-bye to Susie as she walked into her classroom, then as he turned to
continue to his own class, he spotted him. J.D. walked down the hallway towards
him carefully, staring coldly at him the whole time, passing him like a lion
stalking it's prey. J.D. worked his way through the crowd, never taking his eyes
off him, watching him, like a predator. His prey didn't even know he was there.
J.D. passed him, keeping his eyes on the fucker, stalking the mouse. The hunted
laughing with his friends surrounding him, not even noticing the hunter
patrolling the corridor. J.D. kept his eye fixed on him straight up until he
turned the corner, and then he was gone from his sight. Safe, for the moment,
but not for long.
(c)Mary Catherine Paul, 2000
Pittsburgh
In the beginning, there were three. J.D., Sandra, and Susie. It all
started innocently enough. They were considered too different to fit into any
high school social group. They all wore too much black, listened to too much
heavy metal, and acted too much like individuals.
Jason came to this school wearing a v-neck sweater, oxford shirt and
khakis. His parents wanted him to fit in. He thought they were crazy if they
thought this would help him fit in, or that he wanted to fit in. At first, he
did want that. This was their first move. He had left the home he had known all
his life, and left a lot of people behind, and he had hoped to recover some of
that comfort, but the people here were different, and that made him different.
He would walk down the hallway and be bumped into and nearly knocked over by
almost everyone that passed. They didn't even have to ignore him. Why would you
have to ignore something you don't even know exists?
Then, one day, he was passing a stairwell and noticed the light from a
nearby window shining down on her. He got a little bit closer without her
knowing he was there. He felt drawn to her, which he thought was crazy. He
didn't even know this girl. He had never even seen her in any of his classes or
walking the halls, and he would have remembered seeing her. She had long,
platinum blond hair, and very fair skin. She was shorter than most girls, but
that did not seem to be a problem for her. She was wearing a black trenchcoat
that practically swallowed her body like a cape, but as she leaned back against
the wall, the trench hung behind her and revealed her intense figure. She was
wearing a hot pink, low-cut blouse, and tight black jeans. Her lips were pale
pink and her eyes were the most incredible blue-green. She didn't cake her face
with make-up like every other girl in school, because she had the natural beauty
they didn't. He was struck speechless. He didn't dare move. He was afraid she
would realize he was staring at her.
People passed by her as they came and went from the staircase, but they
didn't ignore her. You couldn't possibly not notice someone like her. She looked
dark, but there was a luminescence that you could see was inside her just by
looking at her face. Everyone gave her nasty glares and disgusted noises as they
passed, as if they were trying to put her in her place, show her that she
doesn't deserve their attention. Ironically enough, that's exactly what they
gave her. You'd guess they hated her for having that light inside her because
they were so completely ordinary and she was just unbelievably extraordinary,
and without any of the bullshit they needed to feel that way.
She glanced up quickly, staring in Jason's direction, then her eyes
narrowed, her teeth clenched, and his body stiffened in fear and embarrassment.
"What the fuck are you looking at?" She barked the words as if he was a predator
stalking her, her voice so full of hatred and fury for something so beautiful
and delicate-looking.
He was about to make some sort of pathetic attempt to explain how he
didn't mean to stare and that he was just curious, and maybe if she wasn't too
pissed off, ask what her name was. Before he could get past nervous stuttering a
voice called out from behind him and scared the shit out of him. "What am I
looking at?"
"Yeah! What? Are you deaf? I said what the fuck are you looking at?"
"Something frightening!" This asshole and his lemming buddies started
laughing, but their laughter came to an abrupt halt when she started laughing
too. Her soft, bubbly laugh swelled and rose to fill the whole hallway, and it
got the football players' blood boiling to see her laughing it up.
She reached inside her coat and pulled out a six-shooter. Then she gave
them a complacent smile and spoke to reveal her true sultry, soft voice. "How's
this for something frightening." Her voice was so innocent and velvety, he could
barely believe it. He was so enraptured by her presence and her courage to pull
a stunt like that, he hardly noticed the amusing way everyone fled clumsily and
panicky, revealing the true people they were on the inside. Jason was the only
one left in the hallway and she did not seem to have noticed him, until now.
"Well..." She seemed to be saying she was aware he had been staring at her
incessantly. She replaced the gun as she spoke, then gazed up at him as he
warily approached her. He had not even been scared by the fact that she was
carelessly wielding a lethal weapon. All he could think was how impressed he was
by her, by her strong sense of self. She knew exactly who she was. She must
never have been told what to think, or say, or wear by anyone. Her opinion was
the only one that mattered to her. He thought of how perfect society and teenage
life would be if we could all be like that. "How's the view?"
He was lost for words. He couldn't begin to express all these thoughts
swirling around his head, let alone to the person he was thinking them about.
"I...I'm sorry...I...It's amazing."
She gave a sincere bubbly giggle as he imagined only she could. He
couldn't see how anyone else in the world could make that kind of sound when
they laughed. It was enchanting. "Thank you."
"Color me impressed. I could never carry a gun to school, nevermind pull
off something like that."
"It's nothing. Guns don't bother me as much as they used to. There's much
worse things in the world. I mean, fuck guns, high school itself'll kill ya.
Besides, it's not even loaded. You can't get into any real trouble if the gun
isn't even loaded."
"Well, you can't get in trouble if no one knows, either. I won't tell
anyone." He was grinning rather deviously, but he wasn't too aware of it. He was
coming off as smooth and confident, two things he never was.
"What a wonderful philosophy. Thanks for bein' such a sweetheart because
you could've been a real dick." She pulled out a pack of cigarettes from her
coat pocket and placed one between her lips. He thought she just did it to draw
attention to her lips. Even if she didn't, it worked. "Cigarette?" She extended
the box towards him, offering him the chance to join her, and he was really
beginning to regret the fact that he didn't smoke. He wasn't even sure he could
if he tried.
"No, thanks."
She lit the cigarette and took a long, deep puff, then took the cigarette
between her fingers and held it at her side, exhaling the smoke in rings.
"Unfortunately, I don't think your vow of silence will do me any good. A hallway
full of people just saw me with it, so I'll probably get busted again."
"What? Like jail?"
"Nah. I've done stuff like this a couple other times, and I never got
arrested. I'll just get suspended for a couple days, a week if I'm lucky."
The bell rang, and though he hated to leave, he knew he should. School
society he didn't care for, school itself was important to him, however. He was
good at school. He was very smart. All his teachers said he could do anything if
he put his mind to it, though he doubted the truth in that. He had to go. If he
didn't have a test in biology he would skip, which he never did, but he would
have for her. "I...ugh...I have to go. I've got this test, but I'll see you
around." He thought how conversations that end with those words are usually
people who never speak after that or even see each other. He wanted her to know
who he was, and he wanted her to remember him, so that wouldn't happen. "I'm--"
"Jason Dean. I know." She gave him a sweet, knowing smile. He was blown
away by the mere idea that she knew his name. She knew who he was. She just saw
him and knew who he was. The thought was too perfect to fully comprehend. He had
no idea how she knew his name, but he was thrilled that she did. He had class
though, and so he hesitantly departed up the stairs, glancing back at her every
chance he got until she was no longer visible. Just like that, they met.
That night, Jason had just said good night to his parents, and was ready
to turn out the light and go to bed. No sooner had he turned out the last lamp
in his room, than he was startled by a loud knock on his window. He did not know
what to make of the situation at first. He wondered if it was a tree branch,
someone playing around, or his imagination. He had no friends here yet, since
they hadn't been here long enough to really know anyone. Then when he did
nothing, the knock came again, louder and more impatient. He carefully drew back
the curtain and saw the girl from the hallway standing outside his first floor
window. It was her! How the hell did she find him? What the hell was she doing
here? There was only one way he could find out. He slid the window open, and
without even saying a word, she climbed inside, and stood in the middle of the
room directly in front of him, as though it were the most natural thing in the
world.
"Hi." He meant it more as a question than a greeting.
"Hello, Jason Dean!" She suddenly seemed to be lacking words for the
situation, showing a small amount of awkwardness, which actually made him feel
more relaxed.
"Greetings and Salutations!" It was something silly to say since she was
acting a bit silly herself, but she smiled when he said it. He wondered if maybe
he should say that more often. He found her smile exhilarating. He was possessed
by her. He figured someone should break the silence and get through the initial
uneasiness. "Why are you here? How did you even know where I live? How did you
know my name? I guess the big question is do you have a boyfriend?" He
immediately regretted having said that. He sounded like he was being way too
forward, and by the look on her face, and the little laugh she let out, he could
tell she thought he was being very forward.
"You get right to the point, don't you."
"Well, in all fairness, I don't know anything about you, but you know an
awful lot about me and you're knocking at my window and climbing into my bedroom
at twelve o'clock at night."
"Touché"
"I think it's safe to say you're being a bit more forward than I am at
this point."
"Okay, ask me again, one by one." She seemed very coy, and equally
impressed with him as he had been with her earlier that day.
"Why are you here?"
"Because you live here."
"How did you know where I live?"
"I followed you home."
"How did you know my name?"
"Because you seem like a nice guy."
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
She hesitated, glanced away, then with her eyes fixed on the floor, she
spoke very softly and delicately. "Ask me that one again a little bit later."
"Then, what are you doing here?" He kept thinking of what he wanted her to
say. He wanted to hear that she wanted him like he wanted her. He wanted her to
say that she hasn't been able to stop thinking about him. He kept trying to
elicit those type of responses from her, but she resisted. It was the first
forward effort he had ever made towards a girl. Usually, he was too shy to
really approach them, but she was different. They could be different together.
It was all he could think about.
"You want me to go?" She seemed defensive, as though she felt she wasn't
wanted. She did not want to give him the kind of response he was prying for.
"No." His voice was heavy with guilt and frustration. "I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to make it sound like..." He trailed off, thinking of how he shouldn't have
pushed. He felt he was searching for what he wanted to see, not what was really
there. Maybe she wasn't interested in him at all and he was being an asshole. At
least, he felt like one.
"No, I'm sorry. I just...It's just that I don't climb into some stranger's
bedroom window every day."
"That's good." He sounded relieved that this was not something she did for
everyone, just him. She was an enigma to him. She was a chaotic creature,
baffling at that. She was extreme, and that is what made her first impression
upon him. "But why me?" Part of him had to know why she was so taken with him.
"I was attracted to you when I first saw you walking the halls," she
whispered as she closed the gap between them, "but I figured you were just like
the rest of them. Then, you talked to me today in the hall, and I wanted to come
by to see if you were serious."
"Serious about what?"
"About being my friend. About spending time with me. About who you seemed
to be, or if that you was just an act."
"You're awfully suspicious."
"You can't trust people. Almost nobody is who they seem to be. I liked who
you were, and I want to know if that's the real you, or if you're just another
one of those jock assholes like Kerri." Jason assumed she meant the asshole who
provoked her to draw the gun this afternoon. He thought she was a little
paranoid, but he was impressed with her honesty as he was with everything else
about her.
"No, this is me. Jason Dean is just some invisible nobody whose life
couldn't be more boring or lonely. How about you?"
"You don't want to know."
"Of course, I do. I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know."
"No, I mean it. Some people say that because they think it's worse than
everyone else's life could possibly be. I say it because I mean it. You don't
want to know anything about me. You don't need to know anything about me before
this moment."
"Before this moment?"
"Well, yeah. Anything that happens from now on, you're going to be there
for, right?" She obviously meant she wanted him around her long-term, and that
was good enough for him to hear.
"Can I at least know your name?"
"As of this moment, it's Sandra."
"As of this moment?"
"Well, you're gonna hear everyone calling me Kristen, but I'm changing it
when I'm 18. Sandra's what my best friend, Susie calls me, so to you, it's
Sandra." He knew it would be a futile effort to inquire as to why she wanted to
change it, so he didn't bother. Besides, she was busy staring into his hazel-
green eyes. He was already losing his train of thought, when she moved in close
enough that he felt the warmth of her breath on his neck. She gazed deep into
his eyes with a sultry stare. She whispered to him in the silence of the blue-
black darkness. "J.D." No one had ever called him that before, but coming from
her, it sounded so cool. She finally pressed her lips against his sweetly and
sensually. Everything happened so fast after that. Somehow, they had managed to
make it to his bed without realizing how they did it. It came so natural to
them. They were both only fifteen, virgins at that. He gave his heart and soul
to her that night. While they were lying in each other's arms afterwards, their
heads swirled with thoughts of how perfect everything was and how perfect they
would be together. Finally, they weren't alone in more ways than one. That
night, J.D. was born.
So, there were the three of them. Them against the entire school society
and everything they stood for, but they weren't fighting a war. They were just
being themselves, which was a concept so revolutionary and foreign to the others
in the school it was practically unheard of, and unacceptable. Susie wasn't
around much at first. J.D. knew her as Sandra's best friend, and little more.
She was different from Sandra. She wore different clothes and styles, but they
were just as strange to everyone else. She was always told she looked like
trailer trash with her cut-off jeans and her vampire red hair with brown roots
and ends, black eye make-up and dark lipstick. J.D. didn't see anything wrong
with it. Susie was no less a real person than Sandra. He liked having her around
the two of them. Between the three of them, they had some wild times, plenty of
fun, and best of all, nothing else in the world mattered. There was just the
three of them in the entire world. They had schedules. J.D. would meet Susie
after first period, then go pick up Sandra on the other side of the school to
cut second period. It was during such a cut that Sandra got J.D. to smoke his
first cigarette. He liked the changes that she had inspired in him, and was
happier being the person he had become. He felt it was his true self, but Sandra
was always his better self. They overcame jock assholes like Kerri and his
puppets. They felt like they were invincible. Then, as J.D. had expected, he
discovered it was not meant to last. Something happened.
J.D. was in his sixth period biology class, when it happened. He was
nearly falling asleep at his desk, when a commotion arose in the hallway. A girl
was screaming and it was getting closer. J.D. could only wonder what the hell
was going on now. Probably the bitches of the school causing trouble again,
traumatizing some poor victim of theirs, just like the assholes did, only with
that feminine touch.
The door to J.D.'s classroom burst open and startled everyone, but J.D.
was suddenly petrified when he saw who it was. It was Sandra, her face wet with
tears, but her eyes were in a trance and she wasn't crying. She probably cried
until she couldn't cry anymore. That wasn't even what was so alarming. J.D.'s
biggest fear came from what shocked everyone else as the entire class fell
silent looking upon Sandra standing at the front of the classroom, not wearing
any clothes. J.D. stood up as soon as his fear stopped keeping him from moving.
He was terrified of what was going on. He rushed to her, wanting to know
why she was running around school completely naked. He removed his trenchcoat
and wrapped it around her, gently guiding her out of the classroom. Everyone was
staring at her, some of the perverts thrilled at her appearance nude, thinking
she was an exhibitionist or something. J.D. knew Sandra and he knew something
had gone horribly wrong. He hadn't noticed any bruises or cuts, so she seemed to
be physically alright. Maybe those assholes had stripped her clothes off to
humiliate her or something, in which case, they would pay. J.D. swore whoever
did this to her would be punished for it.
He led her down the hall amidst a gathering of spectators he casually
turned to and screamed, "What the fuck are you looking at? Fuck off!" He
gathered her up in his arms and carried her out of the school and to the parking
lot, stopping by a payphone, anticipating he would have to call the police.
"Sandra. Sandra? Can you hear me? Sandra, are you okay? Sandra, who did this to
you? Sandra, please!" He was pleading with her to arrive at some form of
coherent consciousness. At this point, she was practically catatonic.
"J.D.?" She seemed barely aware he was holding her close to him, trying to
protect her from what had already happened.
"Yeah, it's me. Sandra? Sandra, who did this to you?"
"J.D., I love you. Have I ever told you that?"
"Sandra." He was too set on finding out who did this to realize the full
meaning of what she had said. It almost wasn't heard at all.
"Have I?"
"No, you haven't." His tone was morbid.
"I do. I always have."
"I've always loved you, too. I always will love you." He hated feeling so
helpless. He wanted to take action, not think about how awful this was. "Sandra,
what happened?"
"He raped me, J.D. That fucking asshole Kerri fucking raped me."
J.D. was burning with hatred on the inside, but right now he needed to
take care of Sandra, and the first important step in doing so was getting her to
the hospital, then calling the police. That was exactly what he did. People came
and went, offering their pity, their help, or their cold shoulder. The ambulance
came and sped her away from him.
J.D. was waiting for the bus to the hospital so he could follow Sandra. He
hated being away from her, especially at a time like this. He hated the idea of
her being alone, which is why he stayed with her instead of go to kill Kerri. Of
course, Kerri hadn't been seen since fourth period, so no one knew where he was,
but J.D. would track him down wherever he was. He felt so helpless, it was
driving him crazy. Just when he thought he couldn't take being alone and knowing
Sandra was alone at this moment, Susie walked up to him. He called out to her
before she even reached him.
"I assume you heard." His tone was biting, raging with no outlet.
"Everyone's heard. I assume you know."
"Know what specifically?"
"Kerri'll never be charged. His father fucking runs this town. He's got
the cops in his fucking back pocket. I should know." Susie was having a hard
time with a cop that kept harassing her. The way she talked about it, you'd
think the cops Susie got arrested by tended to develop crushes on her. She
always wound up in the custody of a bad cop. According to Susie, she moved here
to get away from that one cop who wouldn't leave her alone. She was pretty
street smart for someone born and raised in the Florida everglades. Her
independence was probably what gave her her strength and sense of self that
Sandra loved about her so much.
"You mean that asshole's gonna get away with this?"
"J.D., it's not your fault. You didn't know. They're not gonna do anything
for her at that hospital, except lock her up in the fucking psycho ward!"
"What are you talking about? Why would they do that?"
"Because she's been there before. Did Sandra ever tell you why she has
such a hard time sleeping? It's because Kristen couldn't sleep for three months.
They had to lock her up in a mental institution because she was having
nightmares, and they were fucking with her head. No one's gonna believe she was
raped by Kerri Riley, especially considering who his father is."
"Susie, she was fucking raped! There's evidence--"
"J.D., Kerri is fucking smarter than that. He's fucking captain of the
football team! Do you really think he's gonna leave any evidence that could get
him thrown in jail? Kerri probably won't even be back in school for a couple
weeks, because conveniently enough, he and his parents are going on vacation
today, so he even has a fucking alibi. Sandra's word doesn't mean shit, not at
school and not to the cops."
All J.D. could do was sit there quietly, waiting for the bus with Susie,
wondering how they could have deserved this. He realized they didn't deserve it.
It was everyone else who deserved to suffer. He just kept thinking of poor
Sandra, wondering if she was okay, where she was, what she was thinking. He
heard her over and over, like a broken record. "J.D., I love you." Like she knew
she was saying good-bye.
J.D. visited Sandra in the psycho ward at the hospital every day for two
weeks. She was catatonic, not even a hint of her former self. J.D. tried to
discover some trace of her lying dormant within her silent shell, but nothing
stirred in her. She sat and stared into empty space. The last time he saw her,
she glanced right into his eyes, catching him off guard, and whispered, "I love
you."
J.D. was just getting out of class, recalling those three words from
Sandra's mouth when he had visited her yesterday. He glanced around on his way
out, knowing Kerri should be showing his fucking face any day now. Anger and
rage stemmed inside him from seeing every one of Susie's predictions come true.
She was a smart girl and tough too. Sandra had been that tough, and it hurt J.D.
more than he ever thought he could be hurt to think how weak she was now. His
mind was on Sandra when Susie waved him down from across the parking lot. J.D.
trudged over to her, his mind weighted down with his worries, his pain, his
hate, his love. Everything consumed him at once. Then he got a closer look at
Susie's face. Her black eyeliner was smeared all over her cheeks and her wet
face was eerily reminiscent of Sandra's when she first appeared after that
fucker raped her.
"Susie? Are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." Her voice cracked as she choked on her uncontrollable
tears. Her hazel eyes alone told the sad story that was coming. Something else
had happened. What could possibly happen now? J.D. was sick of these surprises,
the way they tormented him, the way chaos reigned supreme and worked against
them instead of for them. If he could harness chaos, he'd direct it to where it
should have been in the first place. J.D. always liked chaos theory because it
warned against predictability, but maybe he could use that to his advantage one
day. Now he was still wondering what chaos had done to make Susie so upset.
"Not Sandra?" He was pleading more than asking. He did not want her to
suffer any worse than she already had. She was locked up in a psycho ward with
her rapist on vacation and going uncharged and unpunished.
"J.D...." She wanted to say something, but was more afraid of how he'd
react than of what had actually happened.
"What, Susie? Come on, Susie, don't do this to me! What is it?"
"I'm so sorry, J.D."
"Sorry for what? What happened? Will you just tell me already!"
She hesitated one more moment, then decided she should just say it,
because there was really no other way of going about it. "Sandra killed herself
in the hospital last night." She paused, trying to give him a chance to react,
but nothing. "J.D., she's gone."
"That's impossible. Sandra wouldn't take her own fucking life!"
"What kind of life is living in a psycho ward, J.D. She'd take her life if
she didn't fucking have one!" She knew she was being harsh, but J.D. needed to
be able to accept this as reality, and not think he was going to wake up
tomorrow and she'd be at his side ready to sneak out before his parent's knocked
on his door."They weren't gonna let her out of there. They wanted to transfer
her to a mental institution back east. She resisted, and found an alternative
solution when no one would listen to her. She couldn't take that shit. I'm
sorry, but that's what happened. I just wanted to tell you, so you'd hear it
from me, and not some asshole or some stupid bitch. I'm really sorry, J.D."
J.D. had been in tears the first few days and then he just stopped talking
to anyone, kept staying home from school, blocking out the rest of the world.
This would be the first time he'd been out of the house in a week. He decided
he'd go out and get the mail, since his father was expecting a package and no
one else was home. His parents understood his mourning. After all, how would you
expect a fifteen year-old to act after all this bullshit. He opened the mailbox,
stuck his hand inside, and pulled out a single piece of mail. The only thing
that was there was a postcard, probably from one of his father's business
associates. The postcard had a picture of Los Angeles on it that made it look
like paradise, a beautiful beach with waves crashing down on the shore. Peace,
and no chaos. Only man can create the kind of chaos that would produce these
kinds of scars. J.D. hated thinking like this, but he was becoming more and more
accustomed to it. He and Susie were both confining themselves to their homes,
and tomorrow they would both be returning to school together, braving the storm
as the two left of the three they had been. J.D. flipped the postcard over to
see who it was from, but the back was blank. Nothing, except his address typed
out on a label. J.D.'s eyes lifted from the blank postcard as the thought crept
into his head. It was her. Los Angeles. She got out. She escaped. That's where
she is. He stood perfectly still as the breeze engulfed him. She was alive.
J.D. was walking the hallway, escorting Susie to class on their first day
back. Together they were able to block out the whispering and the staring, and
just be themselves again. It helped both of them to find out that the other had
received the exact same blank postcard. They were still missing half of each of
them though, a part that would not be coming back, that couldn't come back, a
part that wasn't dead, but was lost to them. They continued as if nothing had
changed. They wouldn't let on to a single soul, not even Sandra's parents. J.D.
said good-bye to Susie as she walked into her classroom, then as he turned to
continue to his own class, he spotted him. J.D. walked down the hallway towards
him carefully, staring coldly at him the whole time, passing him like a lion
stalking it's prey. J.D. worked his way through the crowd, never taking his eyes
off him, watching him, like a predator. His prey didn't even know he was there.
J.D. passed him, keeping his eyes on the fucker, stalking the mouse. The hunted
laughing with his friends surrounding him, not even noticing the hunter
patrolling the corridor. J.D. kept his eye fixed on him straight up until he
turned the corner, and then he was gone from his sight. Safe, for the moment,
but not for long.
(c)Mary Catherine Paul, 2000