A/N: Wow. That episode was intense, huh?
First of all, can I just say how great the writers were? I honestly think it was one of the best episodes yet. I was saddened at the ending, but I knew this was how it was going to end all long. Finn couldn't have continued living, not just because the Grounders were after him but because he himself couldn't bear what he had done. But I think in that episode he redeemed himself: he didn't shoot that Grounder, and he gave himself up, saving countless lives. I think that is the only way the episode could have gone.
Now, about this story... I'm not sure if I am entirely happy with it, since I found it incredibly hard to write (I'm not used to writing Finn's point of view) but I wanted to do a tribute to Finn. I never wanted him with Clarke, and would have been pissed off if they had been endgame, but I did like him as a character, and I do feel sorry for those people who loved Finn and his relationship with Clarke. I read a review where the author said that he was unjustly the least popular core character, but she claimed that with the redeemed bad boy Bellamy, the rebel Octavia, the brave Clarke, and the badass Raven, it was pretty difficult to have peacemaker Finn as your favourite character. He was a great character though. However, I do think the show is going in the right direction.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy the story.
DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own The 100 or any of the characters
Earthwalker
The thing he thinks about – the thing that goes round and round in his head, like when you're trying to take an exam but all you can think about are the lines to a stupid song – is that he always wanted to see the ocean.
He had wanted to see a lot of things. Hell, he had been pretty lucky to get to Earth in the first place. He had now walked through forests, listened to the birds and seen animals he had only seen pictures of. He had slept underneath the stars and smelt the flowers.
But everyone talks about the ocean. In the books, people describe all the colours that it holds; how the shine reminds people of glittering stars; how it sometimes feels warm when you put your toes in the water. Even in this situation he feels jealous, thinking that the others – Raven and Octavia and Bellamy and Clarke – still have a chance to see it.
He's so unlucky.
But then, maybe he's had his fair share of luck.
She's huddle in a corner. She's a skinny little kid, head always in a book, avoids talking unless it's to the teachers. She's a know-it-all, and a loner, and so the other kids make fun of her. She gives as good as she gets though, fighting back, hurling insults with energy that should exhaust her.
When he approaches her she looks up. Her eyes are burning, and her mouth is pulled together, waiting for him to insult her. Waiting for him to pick on her, like the other kids. Ready to fight back.
"Cool book." He nods to the battered storybook filled with fairytales. It's a durable favourite, considering that not many kids have the chance to be princes and princesses. "Can we share?"
She hesitates, and that's what kills him the most. That even when someone is being friendly, she doesn't trust it. "Sure," she says, but he can tell by her voice that she is uncertain.
That day he vows that he will make sure she never has to be afraid again.
She's cute.
That's the first thing he thinks when he sees her. She is unconscious, one of the few that had the guts to try and fight. The rest of the kids, including him, allowed themselves to be shuffled into the spacecraft (more like space tin). She's next to Jaha's kid, who is gazing at her with a puppy-dog expression of worry and love.
What a loser.
When she wakes he sees her surprise. She looks pissed, and somehow that makes her look even cuter. He wants to talk to her.
To these kids, he is Spacewalker. So why not act like it?
He unbuckles his seatbelt and floats over to her. People cheer him on, but she is unimpressed. "You're the idiot that wasted a month's worth of oxygen on an illegal spacewalk," she snorts.
Well. He's not going to deny it.
They enter the atmosphere and, just like she warned, they are flung round the ship.
(They – him and the two other kids that followed him)
He lives. They die.
(Later he thinks that he never had the most promising start)
"My mom's depressed."
She nods. She understands. He has learnt early on that her mother is a drunk who takes her daughter's rations. This is how he comes to share his own with her. It's worth it, to see the way her eyes begin to light up, trust beginning to form between them. This is why he has told her his biggest secret.
His dad died a long time ago. That's why his mother is depressed. The doctors are trying, but she's refusing to take her medication. Right now it is being forced into her.
He doesn't much care. After his dad died, his mom stopped caring. So it's easier not to care about her either.
She reaches across, taking his hand. "I'll be your family," she says. Her words are whispered fervently, like it's a secret. But it's her eyes that show how much this means to her. They are trained on him.
He nods. "Family," he agrees.
That's settled.
He sleeps with her.
It's not like sleeping with Raven. He knows what Raven likes. She is different. She kisses differently, but her lips feel hot and he likes it. He likes the way she tastes, of something sweet. He likes how soft her skin is. He likes the way she falls asleep next to him. He likes the way she smiles at him, but maybe that's because she doesn't smile a lot.
He likes how she only smiles with him.
All she wants to do is go on a spacewalk. He thinks that's the main reason she has wanted to be an engineer: to experience a world without gravity, to finally say that she's been somewhere else other than the Ark. She tries to play it off as nothing, which is so typical of her. He watches the light dim in her gaze when she tells him she can't do it.
He hates that.
So he makes the decision. He encourages her to go on the spacewalk, tells her that it's worth the risk.
And to him, it is: to see her smile when she lands back is the best gift he could ever have.
It all falls apart two minutes later. Finally getting air into her lungs, she tells him they have no chance of getting away. They have wasted too much oxygen. They'll have sealed off the sector. They're going to get into trouble – big trouble.
She'll be floated.
He can't let that happen. He's Raven's family. You sacrifice yourself for your family.
"Take off the suit," he tells her.
It's okay if they believe it's him. He's still seventeen. He'll get a review. Raven won't. Adults don't get a second chance.
She doesn't want to. He can tell she wants to own up. That's who Raven is: strong, brave, upfront. She doesn't hide behind others. But he can't let her die. She thinks she is the lucky one; she often forgets that he has no one else but her.
In the end, it's the easiest choice he's ever had to make.
When the guards come in, he is fully dressed in the suit. He stands, and with all the bravado he can muster he says, "Am I gonna get in trouble for this?"
(People would call him a hero if they knew the truth. But he doesn't see it like that. Put in his position, wouldn't everyone do that?)
The two of them look up at the stars. She scoffs, but he can see by the way her face softens she is eating it up. He likes how he is beginning to see the real her: the soft girl, the fun girl, the happy girl. Likes how her grin makes her glow.
The moment is ruined when they realise the Ark has sent down another ship. The two of them realise that Bellamy has gone after it, and they almost kill themselves to get there before him. They separate, and when he finally gets there he sees her.
Not Clarke. Raven.
At first he thinks his conscience is playing tricks on him, punishing him.
Then she sees him, and her face – God, her face. "Finn!" she cries, and runs into his arms. Before he can think of how to play this, she kisses him.
Well, he can't exactly push her away, can he?
Her eyes are closed, so he feels safe when he opens them to look at Clarke and sees her face – God, her face. The brightness, the light surrounding her seems to have been extinguished. His fault; he's done that.
He's a jackass.
She doesn't yell at him, and that makes it worse.
Later, when they have set the rockets off, he catches her eye. She has been looking at him, and there is something in her eyes that reminds him of shattered glass, of shattered promises.
He's such a jackass.
She knows.
He can see by the way she looks at him, the way she speaks, the way she has that face – that I'm in pain but I'm gonna make it face – that she knows what he's done.
"Do you love me?" she asks.
"Always," he answers, because they're family.
She kisses him and they have sex.
He's trying really hard not to feel like a prick, but there is too much evidence to the contrary.
He still loves her. He knows it when he sees her begin to faint, when that virus or whatever is running through her body, and without hesitation he catches her. He watches her as she sleeps in the hammock, exhausted. He watches because he can do that without hurting anybody.
He would never break up with her. That's why she does it to him instead. He's not stupid. He knows that she is setting him free. That she is letting him fall in love with her.
He's her family. He always will be.
He's just not sure whether he'll ever love her like he loves Clarke.
Is he a bad person for that? He feels like he is.
One minute he is terrified for Clarke's life, when they have been taken by Anya and then racing away from Reapers.
The next, he is scared that Raven won't live from the bullet wound.
Then the battle starts and he is freaking petrified that everyone will be slaughtered. And he doesn't care whether Bellamy is a bastard and Miller is demanding and Harper is always chasing after guys and Sterling is always flirting with girls (Clarke included). These are his people.
They tried to run. He wishes they had kept going, but now, when he looks at the sheer numbers of Grounders, he knows they couldn't. He knows that these people would have destroyed them in unknown territory; that Bellamy was right (no matter how much it kills him to admit it).
Now they have to fight.
In the end, he tries to save both Raven and Clarke.
She closes the dropship door, and for the first time in a long time he feels like a hero.
Everything goes to hell after that.
All he can think about is her, and his desperation to get her back. Maybe it's because Raven has lost her legs, and it kills him: the girl that dreamed of walking in space may not ever be able to properly walk on Earth. Maybe it's because he's trying to hold onto something solid, and Clarke is that thing: the way she looked at him, her eyes bright and face glowing.
He needs that.
And before he knows it, the thought of Clarke being hurt has caused him to invade a village. And it spirals from there. All he can think is these people have our friends and these people have hurt Clarke and I need her.
He pulls the trigger. Again. And again.
The sound of a life ending is the same as a bullet firing. He's not just talking about their lives either.
And then she's there, staring at him, and all he can think is that he's done it, he's saved her.
"I found you," he says.
He sees her shake her head and it's only then he realises what he's done.
She can't look at him. He tries to talk to her, but he can't bring himself to smile and joke with her. There is a new wall between them, one he doesn't understand. He knows Clarke has killed people. She accepted him when he killed the Reaper. Why can't he accept him now?
Because those people were innocent, a voice – his voice, the peacemaker voice – whispers.
Shut up.
You killed eighteen innocent people.
Shut up.
When the fog comes, they have to take shelter where they first made love. A part of him is hoping that she'll remember, that her eyes will soften with the memories and she'll smile that smile at him.
Too late, he remembers the body of the thief; the man he killed first.
He covers him with a sheet. He's not sure whether he's doing it for Clarke's sake or his own.
(What was his name? Nyko mentioned it. What the hell was his name?)
"I don't even know who you are anymore," she says.
At her words, he crumples. Because he doesn't know who he is either. He used to advocate peace. Now he is a murdered. There are some lines you can't uncross, Bellamy had said. He was right. He can't forget this. He can't bring those people back. His hands will always be covered in red, and he can wash them until the end of time, but they won't go clean.
I didn't mean to, he wants to say. But who would listen? Even she sees a killer when she looks at him. Even he can't remember the name of the man he killed.
He doesn't know who he has become.
She looks at him. Those eyes of hers are still distrustful, still wary, but their brightness is still there. At least he can be thankful for that.
"I'm sorry," he tells her. He's not quite sure what he's saying sorry for. For worrying her? For killing people? Or for cheating on her? Or for having the idea to go on the spacewalk in the first place?
He's not quite certain when he began to turn into this person. Maybe it was before he killed someone. He can't pick the point when his life began to unfurl.
He used to think that it was a good thing he came down here, that left to Bellamy another war would have begun. But Bellamy is saving people – for fuck's sake, he was going to leave that girl on the edge of the cliff to die. Before he would have not moved until she had been pulled to safety.
He can't remember who he is.
She can though. Raven, who has known him longer than anyone, the only one who knows that his mom chose death over him, who has still kept that secret.
"We all have battle scars," she says. She touches him, and he's thankful that she doesn't flinch away. "Suck it up, and build a brace for yours."
He's not sure it's that easy.
They want him dead.
Not just the Grounders, but his people too. They're just scared, he knows that (boy, does he know that) but it still hurts.
Survival changes you. Not for the first time, he wonders if he can survive that change.
It renews his faith when his friends rally round him. Not just Clarke and Raven, but Bellamy and Octavia too. He supposes when you have gone through all the things that they have, you can't just let one of them go to their death.
When he's alone, he is aware of two conflicting thoughts:
One: he should give himself up; one life is not worth dozens; and
Two: he's scared.
Clarke gets knocked out, and he holds a gun at the enemy. The man pauses but at that moment he knows: he can't kill. Not again. Not when it's torn him in a thousand pieces, when it's made him question his whole existence.
The man runs. Thank God, because he doesn't know what he would have done if he had attacked again.
He carries her back and stares at her while the others flock round. He watches as Bellamy takes care of her, the worry in his voice obvious. He should be the one doing that. But he can't, because the guilt is starting again.
Then Raven threatens to turn Murphy in instead. She threatens a man who didn't harm anyone (well, not at the camp. To be honest Murphy's reputation isn't exactly squeaky clean. Somewhere he knows this is unfair, but he has bigger problems), who is innocent in all of this.
One girl hurt. One girl threatening others.
What the hell is he doing?
Clarke's smile. Raven's eyes. Those things may not be important to other people, but to him they are worth more than their weight in gold. He's risking all of that. They will die to protect him. Surely they deserve the same.
"May we meet again."
He hugs her. He tries not to breathe her in too deeply, not to give away his thoughts to someone who has always seemed to know them before he has.
When he pulls away he looks deep into those eyes, those beautiful eyes that finally learnt to trust someone. "We will," she says firmly.
He prays that she is right. If he thinks that this is the last time he will ever see her, he won't have to strength to give himself up.
But he does, and in doing so, he ultimately makes things right.
For the first time, that knot in his stomach finally unties.
He feels like he is in a dream. They walk him to the log and tie him there. From this position he can see the camp. He wishes his eyesight was better, wishes it wasn't dark so he could see them, see the people he was leaving. He knows it's wrong, but there is a spasm of hope when he sees her talking to the Grounder leader. Maybe –
No. His life could be saved, but not his soul, not his conscience. He needs to make things right. If the price he has to pay is his death, then so be it.
Finally she runs to him. He wishes he could wrap his arms round her, but she holds him. She kisses him, and once again her lips feel hot. Once again he feels his heart lift, because even though he is about to die she is kissing him again. How long has it been since they kissed? Before Raven arrived? Too long anyway.
As a dying wish, this is pretty good.
"I love you too," she tells him.
Thing is, that should make him brave. He should be willing to die now that he has heard those words. But it doesn't work like that. He's still scared.
She hugs him when he says that, and he rests his head against her golden hair, hair that glimmers in the sunlight. He breathes her in, tries to calm herself in her scent, in her presence.
"You're gonna be okay," she whispers through her tears.
He feels it then. It's quick but deep, and though he shudders it is almost too easy not to make a noise.
"You're okay," she says.
He's not scared now. It doesn't even hurt after a few moments. Perhaps that's a mercy, that he won't be in pain. He's saying goodbye to the people he loves. That's punishment enough.
Colours are now blurring in front of his eyes, and he's not quite sure if he's still in life or if he's dead. He can still smell Clarke, so maybe it is real life. Then again, it's entirely possible this is his version of heaven. He says, "Thanks princess."
He's not sure if those are his last words or not.
He visits them both.
Her dreams are filled with their childhood, happy days. She also dreams of saving him, which he thinks is the worst thing, because there's nothing she could have done and it's unfair for her to believe that. He doesn't appear to her as himself, in the land of dreams that the dead can so easily walk into. Instead he plays along as her best friend, the child he was so long ago, if only to see those eyes brighten again. He can't bear to see her in real life, where she is taking his death so hard, where the light in those eyes seems to have disappeared completely.
She is harder. She sobs in her dreams, because the pain is too much, because when she sees him she remembers what happened.
It's okay, he tells her, wishing he could see her smile.
It's not, she sobs. She shakes her head. I'm sorry.
But it is okay, he repeats. He smiles when she looks at him, seeing the boy she fell in love with: the boy with the long hair, the boy with the easy smile. I'm free now.
He's telling the truth. People are scared of death, fear it, but the truth is once it happens it's the calmest, most peaceful thing in the world. It's not pain; it's peace. And that's all he's ever wanted.
She looks at him through tear-filled eyes. Do you mean it?
He smiles. I can now walk the Earth without fear. I'm lucky.
He was lucky before though too. Lucky to have gained the love of two amazing girls. Who could ask for more in their life?
A/N: I wanted to show that Finn loved both Raven and Clarke. I know a lot of people preferred him with Clarke, but I think that Raven deserved him more than she did. I am more gutted over Raven's pain than Clarke.
Also, I chose the title "Earthwalker" because I didn't feel comfortable using the title "Spacewalker" since he never had. Was that right?
Hours to make. Seconds to comment.
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