Disclaimer: I hold no ownership whatsoever to Labyrinth, its script, or its characters. I just like to crack jokes about it. I also do not own the 'for Dummies' company.
Notes:
- I wrote this parody out by hand about 2 years ago (when I was 15/16ish). I thought some of you might enjoy it so I revised it to fit my more modern mind and… here it is.
- I do realize that there are many other people out there who may have claimed this idea by now, and I do not mean to copy them at all.
- I, by no means, hate the movie Labyrinth – it's always been a fave in my book.
LABYRINTH… for Dummies.
In a Park Somewhere
SARAH: Merlinnnn! Come here, boy. You have to be the frog prince so I can kiss you.
MERLIN: Crazy ass.
SARAH: Fine, I'll just recite lines from my Book of DOOM.
While Sarah recites her lines, it starts to rain.
MERLIN: Wet t-shirt contest! I'm winning this one.
SARAH: You always win. Come on, we have to baby-sit.
Johnson Home
EVIL STEP MOM: CINDERELLLLAAAAA!
SARAH: My name is Sarah.
EVIL STEP MOM: Oh… right… once your done sweeping out the chimney, I need you to watch your brother…
SARAH: (grumble)
EVIL STEP MOM: … while I take your father out and poison him.
SARAH: You suck.
Johnson Home, Toby's Baby Room
TOBY: WAAAAA!
SARAH: Stop it!
TOBY: WAAAAA!
SARAH: Stop it!
TOBY: WAAAAA!
SARAH: Stop it!
TOBY: WAAAAAAHHHHHH!
SARAH: STOP IT DAMMIT OR I'LL WISH YOU AWAY TO THE GOBLIN KING!
TOBY: WAAAAA - Oh snap.
SARAH: Too lateeeee! I wish…
GOBLINS: Say it!
SARAH: I wish…
GOBLINS: Come on!
SARAH: I wish… oh shit what's my line?
GOBLINS: Damn, where's the script?
SARAH: Jeez, just take him all ready!
GOBLINS: Close enough! joygasm
Goblin King aka Jareth aka omgwhatisupwiththosetightasspants appears!
JARETH: Hey yo, sexah mama, what's cookin'?
SARAH: OMG rapist!
JARETH: No, no, I'm the Goblin King! Silly.
SARAH: Oh, well that's so much better.
JARETH: So, now your brother's mine, blah blah blah, wanna play with my balls?
SARAH: Play with what?
Jareth produces a large shiny ball out of thin air.
SARAH: OOooooooo shiny…
JARETH: I know, and there will be more of my balls, plus I'll throw in your brother, if you go through this completely impossible maze to my castle… in oh, say, 13 hours?
SARAH: Deal.
Outside the Completely Impossible Maze
Hoggle, a dwarf-man-thing, is killing fairies, one bites Sarah.
SARAH: Ahhhhhhhh now I have rabies!
HOGGLE: Good job, genius.
SARAH: Stupid Hogfartneoiwhf.
HOGGLE: It's HOGGLE!
Inside the Completely Impossible Maze
WORM: Hey sista, give a brotha a hand!
SARAH: Holy shit, I gotta lay off the booze.
WORM: At least gimme a ride!
SARAH: Fine, if you tell me where the next door is.
WORM: O'er there.
SARAH: Thanks. (leaves)
WORM: Yo, that was cold blooded!
Jareth's Castle
JARETH: Let's play Monkey in the Middle with the baby!
GOBLINS: YAY!
JARETH: (throws)
GOBLIN: (misses)
TOBY: (splat)
ALL: . . .
Weird Doors in the Middle of the Maze of DOOM
SARAH: Which one is right?
TIM/JIM/ALPH/RALPH: No clue.
SARAH: Doesn't one of you lie or… something?
TIM/JIM/ALPH/RALPH: You're going to go through the wrong one anyway, so… what's the point?
SARAH: Ahhh… is that one wrong?
TIM/JIM/ALPH/RALPH: Sure is.
SARAH: Thanks.
Sarah goes through the wrongdoor and falls through a huge pit where millions of hands grope her.
SARAH: EW perverts let me go! (is let go)
Inside the Pit of DOOM Oubliette
SARAH: Fuck. Shit. Damn. Hell.
HOGGLE: Potty mouth.
SARAH: It's Hogmeufle!
HOGGLE: Mffttt…
SARAH: If I bribe you with my bracelet will you help me?
HOGGLE: Oooo plastic. Give. Me. It. Now.
SARAH: Mweheheheh
Somewhere Else in the Maze that Never Ends
Jareth appears all spooky-like in his squeezing pants, spinning his large crystal balls.
WOMEN IN AUDIENCE: (whistle) (whoop) YEAA BABY! WORK IT!
SARAH: Holy hell! Your balls are huge!
JARETH: I know.
SARAH: Must… resist… the… huge… balls…
HOGGLE: I've always said you were hung like a horse, Jareth.
JARETH: PFFFT! You were helping her out, Hoggle. If you do it again, I'll put you head first into my Pit of Stinky!
HOGGLE: No anything but that.
JARETH: Until then, I'll shred you up with giant whirling blades.
Jareth disappears, and 'Cleaners' start shredding up the hall.
SARAH: Crap! Hurry, let's climb up this ladder that leads me closer to saving my brother!
HOGGLE: How convenient.
SARAH: What's the Pit of Stinky?
HOGGLE: Nothing much. Stick your foot in, smell like Jareth's B.O. for all time, but really it's no big deal. A real knee-slapper.
SARAH: Oh.
Deeper Inside the Labyrinth
WISEMAN: Spare some change for the poor?
SARAH: Like, whoa. Like, man what is that on your head?
WISEMAN'S BIRD-HAT: coo coo
SARAH: It's freaking me out, Hoggle. Kill it!
HOGGLE: You crazy.
SARAH: Fine. (steals Hoggle's jewels) Here's some change for ya, creepy old man-bird.
WISEMAN: (snore)
HOGGLE: That's just sad, going after a guy's jewels.
WISEMAN'S BIRD-HAT: coo coo
SARAH: Now will you kill it!
HOGGLE: Err… how about I show you the way through the Labyrinth instead?
SARAH: I don't think so. Kill it or I'm leaving you.
HOGGLE: Two timing BITCH!
WISEMAN'S BIRD-HAT: COO COO
In a Random Opening of the Maze of DEATH
Ludo is hanging upsidedown while Goblins torture him
LUDO: Wrrrr!
SARAH: Need a hand?
LUDO: Wrrrr!
SARAH: What was that?
LUDO: Wrrrr!
SARAH: Sorry, I don't speak big ugly beast.
LUDO: WRRRR!
GOBLIN: Tale as old as time… Beauty and the Beast.
SARAH: Verrrrry funny.
GOBLIN: Here, just take him. (gives Sarah Ludo's leash)
SARAH: Great…
Back Somewhere Behind Sarah
HOGGLE: Oh fuck, now I'm lost.
JARETH: Hey, Hoggle. Up for a little b-ball? Ya know, a little one-on-one?
HOGGLE: I'm kinda lost, and that wench took my jewels. So, no.
JARETH: Bummer. Hey, give this very safe, completely non-hypnosis causing peach to Sarah when you see her next, m'kay?
HOGGLE: No prob.
Beyond the Creepy Doors in a Weird Forest
SARAH: What? This doesn't look like a maze… what do you think Beasty? Beasty!
LUDO: . . . (has fallen through a magic timewarp hole and is now in Paris 1700s)
FIREY: Hiya.
SARAH: Yea, um, hi.
FIREY: Wanna see me and my friends remove parts of our bodies and play with them?
SARAH: What is this place full of perverts! AGGHHHHH!
Sarah beats the Fireys away with a stick using her mad ninja skills and scales a wall with her bare hands.
SARAH: Good thing I took that self-defense class…
HOGGLE: Gimme my gems back!
SARAH: No way!
HOGGLE: Is that the way you talk to your pimp, WHORE?
SARAH: (facepalm)
In the midst of their bickering, they didn't realize they were about to fall through a whole into the Pit of Stinky!
SARAH: Oh my GOD Hoggle! Lay off the beans!
HOGGLE: Wha?
SARAH: You farted!
HOGGLE: Who smelt it, dealt it, babe.
SARAH: AGGGHHHHH!
Sarah shoves Hoggle down the hole and jumps down after him.
HOGGLE: Hellppppp!
SARAH: What? Oh P.U. Hoggle! Take some Pepto or something, Goddamn!
HOGGLE: Just help me up, please?
SARAH: Fine, but only because I wanna open up an extra large can o' whoop ass on you.
LUDO: Wrrrr!
SARAH: Hey, Beasty! Gimme a hand here!
Somehow they successfully pull Hoggle up.
HOGGLE: Phew!
LUDO: Wrrrr!
HOGGLE: Hey, who's this?
SARAH: My new hotnasty lovah… Beasty. He'll pay for everything, so here's your crappy jewels back.
LUDO: Wrrrr?
HOGGLE: Right.
Bridge Over the Hella Nasty Pit of Stank
Didymus, the ever-proper fox-like thing, guards it
LUDO: (pees on a tree)
DIDYMUS: (runs out of tree) HOLY MOTHER OF GOD IT'S THE APOCALYPSE!
ALL: . . .
SARAH: So… can we cross this bridge?
DIDYMUS: No.
SARAH: Please?
DIDYMUS: No.
SARAH: Please?
DIDYMUS: Only if I can hump the big'n right there.
LUDO: Wrrrr!
HOGGLE: Have at.
LUDO: (is humped) WRRRRRRRRRRR!
Ludo goes on a rampage and knocks down the bridge.
HOGGLE: Well… that's just dandy.
SARAH: Beasty, you gotta learn to take one for the team.
DIDYMUS: Good thing I have my trusted flying steed, Ambrosious!
AMBROSIOUS: Woof! (is a dog with a striking resemblance to Merlin)
SARAH: Is that my dog?
DIDYMUS: Uh… no.
SARAH: Are you sure?
DIDYMUS: Nope.
SARAH: Merlin, don't you want to come with me, Sarah, and be my frog prince again?
AMBROSIOUS: Hell no!
HOGGLE: Ahem, how are the rest of us going to get across?
LUDO: (does voodoo magic and makes a rock bridge appear) Wrrr?
HOGGLE: Sweet.
Outside the Pit of Stinky
LUDO: Wrrrr…
SARAH: I'm hungry too, Beasty. What I wouldn't give for a peach right now.
HOGGLE: Hey look, Jareth gave me this very peach to give to you. He said it was very safe and won't cause hallucinations of any kind.
SARAH: Yum! Gimme!
Sarah lags behind and starts seeing things likened to a person on crack.
SARAH: Oooo… pretty colors.
At Castle Jareth
JARETH: (is playing with his balls)
Inside the Crystal Ball
Sarah is transported into a masked ball inside one of Jareth's crystals where she is dressed up like Princess Barbie.
SARAH: Yes, finally! My only costume change during this entire movie! I'm hella sexy!
MASKED PEOPLE: (stare her down)
SARAH: Damn, I gotta stop sneaking into my parent's liquor cabinet.
JARETH: (grabs Sarah and starts to dance with her) I will dance with you and feel you up and warble sweet nothings to you and you will be mine all mine forever and ever until DEATH.
SARAH: Whoa, creep factor through the roof.
JARETH: You cannot resist the tight, tight, riding pants of sexy.
SARAH: Hold up, did someone play a prank on you, or are your eyebrows just that way?
JARETH: . . .
SARAH: And you're hair… have you ever thought about joining one of those "Hair Bands"? What is that a white fro or something?
JARETH: . . .
SARAH: Honestly, it's been real, but I've got a lot of men to dance with before this clubbin' experience is over! Get to steppin'!
Jareth's balls spontaneously combust, taking Sarah's Barbie gown with it.
Garbage Dump
Sarah lands on her head in a heap of nasty trash. The fall seems to have caused amnesia.
SARAH: Ew. Oh ewwwww.
JUNKLADY: My trash. Oh my precious, precious trash… you are mine. I will pet you oh pretty trash…
SARAH: Excuse me, um… hello?
JUNKLADY: What do you want? You've come for my trash, haven't you? Evil, evil trash stealer!
SARAH: Uh… no. I just can't remember anything.
JUNKLADY: Likely story. (opens up a door, revealing Sarah's room)
SARAH: I always knew our house was a shit hole, but this gives a whole new meaning.
JUNKLADY: (pets the trash)
SARAH: Hey, look! It's my book of DOOM. This might come in handy later. (pockets it)
JUNKLADY: Hurry it up in there!
SARAH: Oh, I remember. I was on my way to save my little brother. I think. Or something like that. But I'm feeling PMSy so I think I'll destroy this whole room.
(smashes everything up)
SARAH: Much better.
The Gates to Goblin City, aka Olde Goblin City
Ludo, Didymus, and Hoggle are there bumming cigs and getting hookers.
LUDO: Wrrr?
DIDYMUS: Where have you been, my lady?
SARAH: Getting krunk, groped and high. You?
LUDO: Wrrr!
HOGGLE: (arguing with a hooker) Come on! 3 jewels is more than enough!
HOOKER: Look, bitch, this here is Olde Goblin City. Don't mess with teh hooker law.
DIDYMUS: There's always next time, old chap. (friendly pat)
SARAH: Hey, it's getting kinda late and uh, you know, not like it means anything or nothin', but I need to rescue my brother before 13 hours is up and stuff, but whatever.
DIDYMUS: Well put, let's get a move on, shall we?
Didymus knocks on the gates, Humongous, the giant rock thing, answers.
HUMONGOUS: Yea, whaddya what?
SARAH: Can we come in?
HUMONGOUS: Hm… let me see. No.
HOGGLE: Come on, dude! I've got no game out here!
HUMONGOUS: Y-NOOO!
DIDYMUS: Please?
HUMONGOUS: Only if we fight to the DEATH!
HOGGLE: We're not afraid of you, biggass!
The gate opens, the gang trips Humongous and he breaks into a million pieces all in about five seconds.
SARAH: Close one y'all.
HOGGLE: Look, Sarah. I'm sorry I gave you that peach.
SARAH: No way. Don't be sorry, that thing gave me a high like I haven't had since elementary school!
LUDO: Wrrr!
At Castle Jareth
GOBLIN: Holy monkeys, Jareth! They're in the city!
JARETH: (fluffing his fro) No worries, send out the troops.
GOBLIN: Aye, aye Captain!
Goblin City
SARAH: I wonder if there's a Starbucks around here…
GOBLINS: ARRRRR!
THE GANG: (runs)
Confused, they end up trapped in a tiny little house – how Ludo fit is beyond me.
SARAH: Oh no! Now I'll never get to play with those huge balls…
HOGGLE: It's been nice knowing all of you.
AMBROSIOUS: (whimper)
SARAH: Hey Beasty, couldn't you call those rocks again like you did before?
LUDO: (in a very British accent) Your stupidity confounds me. Besides, my given name is Ludo, mademoiselle. However, I will beacon my large stone friends, since this predicament involves my own well-being.
EVERYONE ELSE: . . .
Ludo does his voodoo magic and rocks fall from the sky, crushing all the Goblins. The gang comes out of the house.
SARAH: Nice job, Bea- er, um, Ludo.
LUDO: Wrrrr!
HOGGLE: Let's go to the Goblin Castle!
They reach the castle, Sarah starts going in.
SARAH: Well, aren't you coming?
DIDYMUS: Nah, I'm straight.
HOGGLE: Good here too.
LUDO: Wrr wrr.
SARAH: You aren't ditching me are you?
HOGGLE: NO, by all means, no! You're just, uh, you know, supposed to face him alone.
SARAH: Oh, right. I guess I'll see you around, then?
DIDYMUS: Not likely.
HOGGLE: I don't think so.
SARAH: . . .
Castle Jareth, Creepy Staircase Room
Goes inside and is in a room full of staircases that are on the walls, in mid air, on the ceiling, just the fuck everywhere.
SARAH: Now this is trippy.
JARETH: Nice, right? Thought it screamed 'ooo creepy Goblin King.'
SARAH: Yea… so, how do I get my brother back now?
JARETH: Just gotta catch the little bugger.
Toby is crawling around up and down the many staircases.
SARAH: Isn't this a little unfair since you can just walk on whatever staircase you like? And apparently so can he?
JARETH: Precisely.
TOBY: Wahhh?
Sarah manages to somehow get close to the babe, but then Jareth makes the whole world collapse around them.
SARAH: You know, this is getting a little old.
JARETH: Sarah, just love me, worship me, buy me a Hummer, help me fluff my fro every morning, be my sidekick, help me play with my balls and I will be your slave!
SARAH: Sounds good, sign me up!
JARETH: Since it's getting kinda late, 13 o' clock is past my bedtime, will you tell me a story to help me sleep?
SARAH: Sure! Look, I just happen to have this Book of DOOM to read to you.
(pulls it out, flips to the end)
SARAH READING: 'Give me the child. Through Dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City…'
JARETH: I don't like this story…!
SARAH READING:Shhh, shhh. Listen! '…to take back the child that you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great. You have no power over me.'
JARETH: (tear)
And then theworld collapses again.
Johnson Home, Sarah's Room
Sarah wakes up in her own bed.
SARAH: Oh snap, now I'll never play with his balls I hope my brother's okay!
She goes into Toby's room.
TOBY: Wah?
SARAH: Stupid fuck. You ruined everything! tear Take my prized toy that means everything to me and SHUT UP! Aw, there you are. Here's a toy for you. I love you Toby!
TOBY: Whateva.
Back in Sarah's room, she's having a relapse into her hallucinations and seeing her Labyrinth gang in her mirror. She turns around to find out they're really in her room!
SARAH: OMGWTF! Does our security system not work in this house!
GANG: Let's PARTAYYYYY!
SARAH: Ahh, what the hell.
Outside a creepy owl take a crap on the window.
TEH END!
Please, read, review and don't re-distribute. 3 Monday