Confessions from Chiba Mamoru:
I'm having the dream again. Every night it's the same dream, I see her, we walk down the aisle together, and we end with a passionate kiss. She's
pulled away from me, and I scream out her name while an evil voice laughs at me in the background, telling me I'll kill her if I stay close to her. I wake up
bathed in sweat, wondering if it's real, or if I'm just going crazy.
I dread going out these days, because I know we'll meet up on the street corner and she'll ask me again why I hate her. I really can't stand to see her
cry, so I make up some lame excuse and turn my back on her. I feel like such a loser. I hide in my apartment like a coward when I should be figuring out
what's wrong. I cry when she isn't around, and hug a pillow, pretending it's her warm soft body. There's no one else in the world I'd rather be, and if I
can't be with her, than I'd rather just give up living. I know that's wrong, but there's no one else for me... To ease that constant ache in my chest, I think
back on our history together. It lessens the pain...somewhat...maybe...
From the moment she tossed her quiz paper in my face that day, to the moment I threw myself in front of her to protect her from beryl, she always kept
me guessing. I'd hate her, than love her, than I'd hate her again, and than I'd just be confused. She'd bounce down the street with those two golden
streamers trailing behind her, with a smile on her face, and a laugh that sung in my veins. She laughed, and in my heart, I laughed too. She cried, and I
wanted to enfold her in my arms and chase away her sadness. When she was worried, I was worried, and when she was in danger, I knew it, and found a
way to protect her. I lived for the moments when she'd turn a street corner and bump into me, for in those moments I'd catch a wif of her sweet purfume,
feel the touch of her silky skin, and be blessed to hear her angelic voice. She'd call me a jerk, and tell me that I was mean, and I'd delight in tormenting her,
because I could stay in her presence just a few moments longer. Afterwards, she'd storm off down the street, and I'd get this feeling that I was trying to
remember something important...
Of course I was trying to remember something important. I was Prince Endymion, reborn on earth to find and protect my past love, Princess Serenity.
Of course, I'm sure her mother, Queen Serenity didn't intend for us to wind up like this. Or maybe she did? I've often thought of finding a way to contact
her, and ask her if she knew we were destined to go our seperate ways in this new life. Usako told he once, about how she'd gained her new powers when
Anne and Ail appeared, and how she'd spoken to her mother in the ruins of the moon kingdom when beryl was still around. I've never been able to tell
her, how scared I am all the time. I don't have powers like she does. I'm useless to her in a fight, but still, somehow she always manages to make me feel
like I've protected her. Maybe she was always just being kind, afraid to tell me the horrible truth, that I really am powerless, a complete failure to her.
But no, Usako is not like that. There is not a bone in her body that would allow her to lie to me. Every word she says, every action she takes, is
selfless. I know to others she often appears to be a crybaby, a selfish person who indulges in herself, but she is simply being human. Where it counts,
she gives without thought for herself. I could never tell her how that amazes me. She meets a new enemy, and instead of trying to kill them, she tries to
heal them. It's the maddest plan I've ever heard of. When someone is sticking a gun in your face, you don't try to reason with them, or tell them how sorry
you'd be if something happened to them. But she does, and she succeeds at it everytime. I know some people believe she succeeds only because her
friends are always there to back her up, but that isn't true either. She doesn't ask for help, she simply does the best she can given the circumstances.
She's just lucky enough to have friends who care enough about her to put themselves at risk. That's something else that amazes me about her, the friends
and family that surrond her are not there simply because she was a princess in a bygone era, they love her because she offers her heart to them, without a
price, without any strings attached. She simply believes in everyone.
I wish I could have such faith in the world. I wish I could have faith in our love, and the ties that bind us, but I could never take such a terrible chance
with her life. I often wonder, if the circumstances were reversed, what would she do? I know what she'd do. She'd gather her friends around her, and
she'd try to work it out. She'd go home and bask in the love of her family, and she would worry more than anyone could ever guess. You see, that's
another layer to her that I love, she bears the burdens of the world quietly, because she believes that everyone else should be able to live free of such
troubles. She's always wanted the others to be able to live normal lives, just regular school-girls, dating, hanging out, and being innocent of the troubles
that plauge the scouts. She wishes with all her heart for them to be able to find happiness in this new life, and she fights for it every day.
She even tries to prove to me that I'm not alone in this world, and it's a strange feeling. For a long time, I was Chiba Mamoru, a cold heartless jerk that
constantly made fun of her, and made her cry. Sometimes I think back on all the tears I made her shed, and I wonder how I could have been so cruel. Her
beauty is in her innocence, her courage, her desire to save the world and everything in it, and no one should be allowed to hurt someone who tries so
hard. I know she often feels as though she's powerless, that she's somehow less than the other senshi, but she's wrong. Even when we are gone, and
new sailor senshi arise to take our place, Sailor Moon, no, my most beloved Serenity, you will always be the most beautiful, shining star...
(I can finally fall asleep now, although I know tommrow night, and each night after, I will have this same dream and these same endless thoughts. My only
totally peaceful moment is knowing that my Usako is safe and warm in her bed right now, safe from me, safe from a fate I would pull her down into...)