MYRTLE THE TYRTLE'S SEVEN DAYS OF FAIRY TALES
STARRING HARRY POTTER AND OTHER ASSORTED CHARACTERS
WRITTEN BY MYRTLE THE TYRTLE
CONCEPT BY MYRTLE THE TYRTLE
ALL RIGHTS PROPERTY OF MYRTLE THE TYRTLE
ALL CHARACTERS ARE not PROPERTY OF MYRTLE THE TYRTLE
Once upon a time, many moons ago, it was yet another lonely, quiet day at 4 Privet Drive. The Dursleys had gone "out", leaving Harry at home on the proviso that he wouldn't touch anything. Harry, so far, had not stuck to his promise and was now in the lounge room munching on corn chips while watching Tom and Jerry reruns on the television at approximately 2:12 in the afternoon. It was at this point when an owl crashed into the window.
Now, you may not think this a normal thing to happen, but Harry was (in case you had missed the six books, millions of webpages and hundreds of thousands of fanfictions) a wizard, and wizards send their mail with owls, regardless of whether it is 2:12 in the afternoon or not. So, this being the case, Harry strode calmly (yet manly) over to the window, and opened it: thus letting the owl inside, thus being able to receive his letter.
"Dear Mr. Potter," he began to read out loud, barely following the cursive handwriting, "We are pleased to inform you that Hogwarts will be opening as usual on September the First of this year. As a seventh-year, you may…" the cursive handwriting broke off abruptly and was replaced with a heavy print: "We meet again Potty. Yes, it is I, Draco the incredibly sexy Ferret Malfoy, and I have something of yours you probably wish to get back. It is (to quote an annoying house-elf I have also stolen) 'Harry Potter's girl Wheezy'. So I recommend you come to Hogwarts to get it back before I have my wicked, wicked way with her. And I bet you can't even find your way to the highest room of the tallest tower to get her back, because that's the way these things work. See ya in a week, Potty, otherwise I get the girl. Ha. Ha. Ha-ha. Ha. Yours sincerely, Draco the incredibly sexy ferret Malfoy."
Harry cringed: it appeared the Death Eater Draco Malfoy knew about his one weakness – his insatiable love for Ginny Weasley. He was going to have to get her back; for one thing Ron would never forgive him if she died and he didn't save her. Of course, there was the other plan… go get Ron to come too… that way he can be at partial fault!
"Harry," he told himself, "you're a genius!"
"A dead sexy genius," he replied in a somewhat schizophrenic manner. "I mean, I am the knight in shining armour, the Prince Charming of this bizarre tale. So I should at least be able to squeeze in some hot chicks before I save the Princess Ginevra, doomed to a slow death in the highest room of the tallest tower unless I can get there first."
So it was with that that Harry took to the sky armed with just a broomstick and a wand, in search of the Burrow, and (hopefully) some hot chicks.
Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione (who you should surely recognise as the redhead sidekick and token smart girl – ooh, ooh, guess who's which!) were walking slowly and romantically through the woods nearby Ron's house.
"Oh, Ron," sighed Hermione.
"Oh, Hermione," sighed Ron.
"That was the best ever!" giggled Hermione, her voice overflowing with ecstasy. "And it was so big! Can I touch it again?"
Ron looked positively thrilled. "OK." He reached down inside his robes, and pulled out a large bronze pinecone. "This is the biggest one we've ever found on our pinecone-hunting expeditions! It'll burn for hours on the fire tonight!"
They walked in silence for a few more metres before Ron's stomach gave the inevitable grumble.
"Uh... Hermione? Did you bring any food?"
Hermione sighed. This was the one reason she had kept her relationship with Ron from progressing past "Friends with Benefits" – she couldn't stand the fact that he was just so hungry all the time!
"No, Ron, I didn't. If you're so hungry why don't you just go and find something in the woods to eat."
Ron brightened. "That's a good plan!" he grinned, and raced off to do so.
In about a minute came the cry, "Hermione, can I eat a tree?"
"No, Ronald."
Then came, "Can I eat a bird?"
"Only if it doesn't have bird flu."
"No, it sneezed all over me. Yuck!"
More than a minute's silence then passed, as Ron went searching in bushes and under rocks. Until…
"Hermione, can I eat a house made of candy?"
"No, Rona… what?"
"A house made of candy! It's right over here!"
Hermione ran to see whatever Ron was pointing at. Turns out, it was actually a house made of candy.
"It really is a house!" marvelled Hermione. "It's got a door, and a chimney, and a roof, and three windows, and a hole where a redhead is… RON! Get away from that house! You don't know who lives there! It could be a really mean person who would imprison you for eating their house then fatten you up to eat YOU!"
"Thanks for putting ideas into my head, Mudblood," hissed a soft, slimy voice.
Harry flew lower, trying to find anything that would help him locate the Burrow. He was also looking for hot chicks he could put on the back of his broom and ride away with, but was trying to ignore that because he had a nagging suspicion that chasing kitchen wenches and the like would get him nowhere in life.
"Oh, great," said Harry. "I'm lost." He landed his broom with ease and skill, and then inspected the clearing in the middle of the forest in which he had graced upon. "There appears to be two possible ways to go," he murmured quietly. "A yellow brick road which leads to somewhere I can't exactly see, or a dingy, dirt path leading to a house made of candy where a really mean person who wants to eat me could live."
He sat and thought for a moment. The point me spell hadn't even occurred to him when he realised he had no idea where the yellow brick road went. This was surely something he could use in his emancipation trial one day (Follow the yellow brick road… we're off to see the wizard… follow the yellow brick road), but today he had to know where he was going.
"Down the dingy dirt path!" he chorused triumphantly, and set off on a mission to ask for directions.
It would probably be wise at this time in the story to point out a couple of important facts to the reader.
1. Ron and Hermione are in the middle of a forest.
2. Harry is in the middle of a forest.
It is the same forest.
1. Ron and Hermione have found a house made of candy.
2. Harry has found a house made of candy.
It is the same house.
Therefore, we can be assured that the foreshadowing technique of the author is quite incredible, as he has allowed us to understand that Harry will soon meet up with Ron, Hermione and the owner of the soft, slimy voice without writing it down. OK, so he did write it down. What are you complaining about? Your life has been made easier!
Anyway, to get back on track with the story… Harry strode valiantly down the dingy dirt path, with his broomstick slung over his shoulder and his wand in his back pocket. So what if he loses a buttock? Surely Hermione had mastered buttock re-growing spells by now! Now, having reached the house made of candy, Harry stood back to admire the architect's skill. It was impressive, even though there was a large hole in the wall through which he could see…
"Ron!" he exclaimed, and ran through the wall of the house, knocking down a candy cane as he hurtled towards his best friend.
"Harry! What are you doing here?"
"Oh, I just dropped in. What are you doing here?"
"Me? I'm just sitting around eating food all day long. It's pretty cool. I've gained twelve pounds already!" Sure enough, Harry could make out a slight bulge around his friend's waist, regardless of it being covered with food.
"Harry!" It was Hermione. "What on earth are you doing here?"
"Very well put, Miss Granger."
Harry spun around to see a towering, greasy figure standing behind him. If you hadn't guessed who it was by now, here's a clue – it's Snape.
"Snivellus!" Harry cried, overjoyed to see his former teacher. "How've you been? Haven't seen you since… you know… the whole tower thing…"
"Yes, yes, I've been hiding, you dolt. There are people out there who want to kill me. You, for example."
"Me? Why would I harm you? I've heard rumours of a HPSS fanfic floating around somewhere!"
"Codswallop. I hate you, you hate me. That's how it works. And aren't you going to ask why I've got your pathetic Mudblood and Blood Traitor friends here?"
"Sure, why not," said Harry. He thought for a moment before answering. "Uh… um… are you going to steal their pinecone and enter it in a largest pinecone contest?"
"NO! You fool! How could you not guess it!" fumed Snape. "I'm going to fatten up that ridiculous sidekick of yours so I can eat him, while the Mudblood becomes my kitchen wench and tidies up after me. I can be quite messy, you know."
"That seems like a fiendish and diabolical plan, Snape, but you won't get away with it!"
"And why not? I can repel all of your spells because I know them all because I'm a dirty bastard who likes to display his ability to read your mind like an open book. Not that you can open it and read it at whim. Well, I can, but… anyway, the point is you can't harm me."
"Oh yeah? I'll just make up a spell that will force you into submission!" said Harry defiantly.
"I'd like to se you try," sneered Snape, and began to move towards Ron in the hopes of cooking him in a large, gold cauldron sitting on a fire.
"Uh… Goawayius Snapeius?"
Nothing happened, and Snape lifted the fat redhead onto his shoulder.
"Putrondownamonium!"
Again, nothing happened, and Snape moved closer to the cauldron.
"Harry!" called Hermione. "Take your wand out of your pocket!"
Harry just looked at her. "I would have got there eventually, Hermione." He then cast a third spell, just as Snape stooped over the cauldron. "Bigbadwolfius!"
As the name of the supposedly made up spell hit Snape in the small of the back, a strange light flooded through the small room they were in. When it had faded, the trio realised that Snape had in fact been turned into a big bad wolf.
"Curse you Harry Potter!" he howled, leaping through the whole in the wall that we know Ron had made earlier.
Harry untied Hermione and Ron, and they stood together and watched Snape, now in the form of a big bad wolf, run away into the forest.
"So, why are you actually here, Harry?" asked Hermione.
"Well, it's a long story. Can't we save it for another chapter?"
"No!" she snapped. "Tell it now."
"Fine," he groaned. "It all started when I got a letter from Malfoy saying he had stolen Ron's sister and was going to have his wicked, wicked way with her if I hadn't saved her by this time next week."
"Well what are we waiting for?" yelped Ron. "Let's go and get my sister!"
"Hang on," Harry stopped him before he ran out the hole in the wall. "I thought you were totally against my relationship with Ginny."
"When it's either you or Malfoy, I'd rather go with you. At least you have the aura of knowing what to do with a girl!"
And with that, the heroes set off on the next step of Harry's quest to save Ron's sister.
"I wonder if we get to see Dobby on this adventure," mused Ron. "I could really do with one of his éclairs right about now."
"Gee, thanks, Ron," said Hermione. "Now you've not only brought the subject of slave labour into the storyline, you've foreshadowed the next chapter. Now everyone will know that we meet up with Dobby."
She smacked him on the head, and they proceeded to chase each other through the trees, as Friends with Benefits are prone to do sometimes, leaving Harry alone with his thoughts of Ginny, Malfoy, and hot chicks whom he might encounter while trying to save his best friend's sister.
A/N: That is the end of Chapter One! Yay! I hope you've all read it and enjoyed it because it has been a long time in the making – I haven't even advertised it on my bio page… OK, so it wasn't that long. But still, I have six more chapters to write and post, so I'd better get on with it.
NB (nota bene - "note well" for you people who aren't fluent in Latin): reviews really speed up the whole writing process! It's a proven science! So do it!
Myrtle