Disclaimer: It's a mistake to believe that I own Phil of the Future.
Learning From the Mistakes of Others
Perky Keely Teslow has been over at the Diffys' household so often that she was no longer expected to ring the bell or even knock, but just prance right in. Front door, back door - it didn't matter. She wasn't exactly family and she didn't have a house key, but she was trusted nonetheless. The young girl was the sole keeper of the family's most guarded secret. However today, with her mother beside her, she knocked on the front door as boringly as she could manage.
"Mr. Diffy, you have a black eye!" are not the words that she wants her mother to hear her utter aloud when the door was answered. They just happened. They happened a lot. Keely's mouth starts moving and her lips outrace her control of what they spit out. While this provided an energetic, spontaneous quality to her interviews, off camera she often revealed more than she wanted to, like now.
Embarrassed, Lloyd Diffy tilted his bruised eye away from his visitors and cleared his throat, "Hrrumpt, well, yes, Keely. Very observant. Are you here for Phil? Phil, Keely's here!" was shouted to the back of the house.
"Come on in, Keely," was a much softer response from Phil's mother on the first floor somewhere. Mandy Teslow appreciated the smile she heard in Barbara Teslow's voice. Her daughter Keely wasn't only allowed in the house, she was welcomed. Mandy forced a practiced smile or practiced her forced smile in Lloyd's direction as she followed her daughter into the home. She'd never had a high opinion of Phil's father and the sudden appearance of a black eye hasn't improve his standing. What kind of a grown man gets a black eye at his age, she thought. She was going to have to reconsider allowing her daughter to visit the Diffys, if not forbid her from seeing their son altogether. True, Phil seemed like a nice, normal boy, but "location, location, location," the acorn doesn't fall far from the nutty tree. Keely's mother would be studying the Diffys like a potential home buyer looks over a split-level four bedroom with a new roof.
"Hi Mrs. Diffy. Hi Phil," greeted a waterfall of blonde hair, followed by her mother. Seated at the table, Mrs. Diffy and her son started to respond in kind, then stopped as they noticed that she was not alone. What was Keely's mother doing here?
"You remember my mother, Phil. Mrs. Diffy, this is my mother, Mandy Teslow," Keely made the introduction brief as she and Phil exchanged furtive glances.
"Call me 'Barbara.'"
"'Mandy.' You have a lovely kitchen, Barbara. Did Keely tell you that I sell homes? I don't think I've ever seen a kitchen with - such colorful collection of curtains."
Believing she had just been on the receiving end of genuine professional praise, Barbara Diffy beamed. "Thank you for noticing, Mandy." Still smiling, Barbara got up and turned toward the kitchen sink asking, "Would you like some coffee?" Instantly Mrs. Teslow was confronted with three amateur pantomimists insisting that, under no circumstances should she take Barbara up on that offer. A finger across his throat and a sneer warned the elder male in the room, bug-eyed, her daughter clutched her own throat while playacting choking herself, and Barbara Diffy's own son nearly swallowed in own lips while waiving his open hands before himself and shaking his head furiously from side to side. Somehow, Keely's mom got the message.
"Thanks," she answered and everyone held their breaths, "but I've already had my quota of caffeine for this afternoon."
"Okay. Next time," Phil's mother offered joyfully.
"Right. Say, Lloyd, how'd you get your shiner?" Mandy changed the subject to one she was interested in, not noticing that her daughter's friend was throwing a dish towel over a strange looking blender which had begun to glow.
"Oh, I was at the outdoor orchestra performance at H.G. Wells last night and this happened."
"Were you walking to close to the kettle drums? Keely's mom snorted alone.
Phil knew what was next. It was a tradition as old as the time itself. A parent would embarrass his son in front of his more-than-a-best-friend's mother without even knowing that he was doing so. Getting comfortable to tell the story, the parent, we'll call him 'Lloyd,' would leaned against the refrigerator. His son would then seriously considered sharing the space under the dish towel with the time crumpler component from the time engine. His wife would wondering the same thing. In a few moments, the more-than-a-best-friend would be feeling the son's pain.
"But how did it happen?" Mandy wanted to know. A black eye, shower curtain curtains in the kitchen, and detestable coffee? Did the Diffys have any redeeming characteristics at all? She was still looking for one if Keely was going to be allowed to return here.
"It was a great performance, but we had bad seats, way in the back by the recycling bins and single-use cellphone vending machines. At intermission, we all stood up and applauded, but I noticed that the woman in front of me was having a wardrobe malfunction."
"You mean -?"
"Yes. Her derrière was eating her dress."
Mandy smirked.
Lloyd continued, "I didn't want her to be embarrassed, so I did the gentlemanly thing and reached down and freed her garment."
"You didn't really."
Lloyd was confused. That was just what his wife said. "Yes, yes I did."
"She didn't express her gratitude, did she?"
"Oh, she expressed herself," Lloyd insisted, covering his bad eye and remembering a recent right hook, "and if the row of folding chairs she was sitting in hadn't been wedged so tightly together, she would have gotten hers loose and made good upon the rest of what she expressed."
"What did she says?" Mandy asked, barely stopping herself from telling her daughter to go outside and play. Whatever the woman said, Keely probably had already heard that and stronger at school.
Finally catching the look his bride had been sending his way, Lloyd said, "Uhh," while trying to come up with a way to tell the story without going into detail as he did with his wife. "She, uh, offered to tuck my shorts in for me ..."
"Sounds like she was flirting with you, Lloyd."
Lloyd winced, "… permanently."
"Oh, my."
Phil's father continued, "Fortunately, after she hit me she remembered asking me before to do a couple of folk music presentations at H.G. Wells."
"Mrs. Levy, my music teacher?" gasped Keely. Frowning Phil nodded.
Lloyd continued, "She said she'd let the incident slide this time with no more than a dirty look and a warning, and then took her seat again."
Kelly almost was successful in suppressing her giggling. Almost. Phil shushed her and shook his head. Lloyd looked hurt. He was hurt. Barbara took it in stride though; it wasn't the first time her husband had behaved chronologically awkward during in other time periods. This was, after all, the man who was upset when Helen Keller didn't answer him when he asked her for directions, the man who handed Lincoln complementary tickets to the theater, the fellow who …
The back door opened suddenly without warning and Mandy saw a tuxedo with a hairy hippie inserted within. Scraggily beard, bushy hair which couldn't have been combed for decades, and - she held her breath - a body which hadn't know a bath for centuries. Mrs. Teslow assumed that some homeless man had come across the tux and then, for some reason, had entered uninvited inside the Diffys' household, but she was perplexed when no one told him to leave, or at least asked him who he was.
"Et tu, Curtis?" Keely commented, only half-surprised at the shiner residing around Curtis "Diffy's" right eye.
Glum, "Uhh," grunted Curtis.
Phil spoke up, "Mrs. Teslow, this is my Uncle Curtis." Phil next spoke haltingly, leading Keely's mom to consider that Phil's uncle might be slow in the head. "Cur-tis. This is Kee-ly's mother, Mandy Teslow."
"Me Happy To Meet You, Keely's Mom. When We Eat?"
Mandy ignored his question. "So, were you with Lloyd when the teacher slugged him, Curtis?"
"Me There. Ow."
"She punched you just because you were sitting with him?"
"No. Lady Sit Down After She Hit Lloyd. Very Funny. Heh-Heh," Curtis smiled and pointed at Lloyd.
"Then how did you get -?" Mrs. T motioned a circle with her finger over her own eye.
"Everyone Sit. Music Play Again. Nice And Pretty. Music Stop. Everyone Stand Up And Clap. Then I See Lady's Dress."
Keely was curious now and remarked, "Curtis, you didn't. Did you? Didn't you see what just happened to Mr. Diffy?"
Phil hid his eyes behind one hand, wishing he could be anywhere else for the next five seconds.
"Me See. Me Laugh. Me No Make Lloyd Mistake. Me Remember Lady No Like When Lloyd Pull Dress. Curtis No Dumb Dumb."
"Then why did she -?"
"Curtis Smart. Curtis Remember Lady Like Dress Tucked In, So Me …" Curtis showed with one hand how he formed his fingers into a knife's edge and wedged the fabric between Mrs. Levy's cheeks, and with his other hand he traced over his eye her appreciation for his chivalric act.
Everyone exploded into laughter, but no one more loudly than the guest Mandy Teslow. Suddenly, she understood why her daughter must like spending so much time over here. Before coming, she had been worried that Keely and Phil were getting too close, but despite Keely going on and on about this smart boy at school, Mandy was now sure that it wasn't serious. Oh, her daughter was sitting close to Phil right now, but not too close, and he wasn't all over Keely. He was actually blushing, probably from what he just had to hear again, this time in front of Keely's mother. Later that night, Mandy would tell Keely that it was alright to keep coming over to the Diffys - they're hilarious - just don't invite them over here!