I Do Not Wish to Kill
Summary : More Scar-angst. Scar talks about his feelings toward a few certain female individuals... PG for obvious reasons (sexual and drug abuse...?)
Disclaimer : ((swears allegiance to Disney)) There we go. All done with my part. ((Disney swears allegiance to me)) yes Disney, Kipusa and Ahili are still mine.
Notes : I just have to let Scar get together with a few of my other faves...
Well, sure, there's Mufasa, Simba, Sarabi... but there are others in the game. Those I do not wish to kill.
Why? I'm supposed to be a villain - strong, careless, evil... all that jazz. Since the day I was born, I thought I was to be a villain. I felt cursed since the day I could walk, for injuring myself rather fatally (shall we say...) that very day. The day I could talk, Ahadi gave me the mark that makes me who I am.
If I'm so to be a villain, why are there those I don't wish to kill?
Sure, there's Mufasa, Simba, Sarabi... but what about the others? Ever since I lay my eyes on the creamy tan pelt... the blue green eyes... I knew she must be mine.
When I was young, I mated with a beautiful lioness and an old friend of mine; Sarafina, the friend and sister of the Great Queen of the Pride Lands. I had rescued Sarafina when she was but a cub, and since then we had made fast friends. When we were older, our friendship melted away and I could tell I was in love. After Simba was born... after I began to suffer... I forgot Sarafina.
The next time I saw my girl, Sarafina that is, I was King of the land.
"Scar?" She had asked me.
"Sarafina?" My voice was dazed, that day. Dazed and slurred. The night before, I had perhaps had... oh, say... "one too many", and as a result, that morning I was a little out of it.
I had been asleep. And if it had been any other lioness, I'd've given her a rude insult and attempted to return to my luxurious slumbering. But Sarafina and I had been friends, then lovers. Seeing her eyes, I decided to listen to her words.
"There's been a bit of a... uhm... 'wreck'. I think you'd better come see."
So I followed her.
Who I met that day was a nasty lioness called Sinistress. (Remember her?) At least, that's what I decided to call her. It seems to be what everyone calls her now, for no one knows her real name. Sinistress turned me into someone different that day, someone I'm not sure whether I know to be me. That girl retraced the mark my own father had given me so many years ago. That moment, I felt angry for it, but in the moments to follow, I felt simply sorrowful and remorseful. Why did I let my loved ones go?
Sarafina repayed me that day. She saved me from a worse fate with Sinistress. I supposed that made us even. I hadn't even talked to poor Sarafina for years, and I supposed she wanted to make us even. Pretty much, that seemed to end us together. How horrible I felt wellst I staggered toward my throne and lair. I had broken our love apart.
But how could I forget Sarafina when the product of our love walked among us all? In our early days... we would get carried away in our drinks, our gossip... and one day, Sarafina found herself pregnant. She knew, and I knew, the cub must be mine.
Ah yes... Nala. I'll never forgive myself for what I did to Nala. I could've killed her, in the only few moments I ever spent with her.
"Ah, Nala... your timing couldn't have been more perfect. My, how you've... grown..."
I had become a mad one, that day. Long before, I had realized that to be king was not necessarily to be adored, and now it payed off. I had asked Zazu how to be more adored. That brat bird had fooled me! Like I would be adored if I had 'a devoted queen' and to go with it, a legacy... But I believed him, in that moment. In that moment, I would do anything - and I mean anything - to be more adored. Adoration was all that mattered to me.
"Immortality will be mine!" I had screamed in delight.
But how could I forget? Immortality already was mine! Why did I want more?
Nala was the next to enter my room, and naturally I went for her. I was blind in that moment; blinded by my anger, my sorrow... by my madness.
"Scar, you have to do something! We're being forced to overhunt! You're the king - control the hyenas! They're destroying the Pride Lands!"
Ever since I lay my eyes on the creamy tan pelt... the blue green eyes... I knew she must be mine. But she did not recognize me as her father... like all, she only recognized me as a tyrant. As the tyrant I was.
"She's got those assets feminine," I had thought to myself. "I have to make her mine."
It was as though a whole band began playing their sexual, flirty, naughty music, just for Nala and I. This was it.
"Nobility in every gene!" My thoughts were rapid. "She has to be my queen!"
"Come, sweet Nala," I had said to her, "it's written in the stars."
"Where? W-what're you doin'? Are you listening to me?"
And no would be the obvious answer. I was listening to my rapid thoughts.
"We'll create a host of little Scars!" I said, thinking aloud in my madness.
"Get away from me!" Nala had broken free of my dancing grasp, and her claws met my face.
That may have been the most powerful, painful, hurtful scar I ever recieved. It only hurt for several moments, but the emotional agony it left on me I was unable to recover. It made me who I was the day I chickened on Pride Rock - blamed the hyenas for destroying the kingdom. For killing Mufasa and fleeing Simba, when I, the one who did, had been joyful the day I did. But I hadn't been after... strange what death does to us. The day I was born, I knew I was to be a villain. But I never planned to kill.
"Oh... Nala, you know how I loathe violence," I had said to her. "One way or another, you will be mine!"
"Oh, never Scar! Never!" She had shrieked, departing.
As a villain, I couldn't just break down and cry over my recent romantic loss. So instead, I had a concoction of lines readied for myself. "You belong to me," I shot at her. "You all belong to me... ahh!"
Much as I tried to hold on, tried to stay sane, I was breaking up inside. How long could this go on? In one syllable, that simple, "ahh!" I had released so much... it came as a surprise.
After that "ahh!", I no longer held myself. I crumpled to the floor, holding my face in my paws. Quivering, I held it for a moment and a half, before sobbing in self-pity and remorse.
Regardless of Nala's feelings about it, we did birth one daughter. I had sexually abused my own daughter. For that, I never forgave myself. Vitani was the proof of our mating, the suffer of my daughter, young yet to raise a cub.
Before Sarafina came Ahili. A fair lioness with a dark complexion and huge, blue eyes. Together, we birthed my first ever piece of offspring. My first ever daughter. Kipusa.
Shortly after Kipusa's birth, Mufasa shooed Ahili from the Pride Lands for her love of me. She left me in charge of Kipusa. Kipusa, my first daughter, who never knew her mother. I never saw Ahili again.
But Kipusa and I were inseperable. During Simba's childhood, she was the one I could pour my feelings upon, the one who showed me mercy. For she suffered my fate. The fate of being nothing.
But then there was Sarabi. The tan lioness with the charming smile and the to-die-for eyes.
"Hello, Sarabi," I had said to her.
Ah yes... another reason I claimed the throne. I wanted Sarabi. Sarafina had been my friend, but she was not so powerful... not so beautiful as was Sarabi.
"Say, uh... Mufasa's dead. Look, I'm really sorry about all that."
"It's okay, Taka," She had said.
"Scar," I had muttered under my breath. "Look, I actually thought you might uh... still want to be queen? Maybe be uh... my queen?"
She had looked at me crossly. "How can you speak that way, Taka? Mufasa and Simba have been gone three days. I have chosen to honor their presence by never marrying again. But do you? By the way you have just - unless I am horribly mistaken - proposed to me, I'd say not."
It ripped me. Tore a hole in me. All my life, I had waited for that moment. Love is a twister. No one ever thinks over the possibility of their significant other saying 'no'. I had been so certain that she would accept... to see her act the way she did nearly made me sob on the spot.
There was another female presence in my life which I often look back upon. We began as simple friends; to individuals, both outcasted, tryint to overcome our pasts. As a matter of fact, she was the sister of Sarafina. Zira, she was.
After Sarafina, shortly after my attempt with Nala, I came in contact with Zira for the first time in years.
"Hello, Kivuli," She had said to me.
...Kivuli. My childhood name. No, the name my mother had given me. 'Shadow', not 'riff-raff'. Loving, not hating. Kivuli.
"Hello... Notch," I had replied.
As cubs, I had called her notch. Like my scar, Zira had a trademark. Engulfed in her right ear was a carved hole. A notch.
"Look... I, uhm..."
"Spit it out!" I had ordered.
"I have your children."
"Excuse me?"
"Nuka, my first born, is yours. I am now pregnant once again."
It was meant as a simple way to raise immortality. But soon, Zira became my life. She became the one I loved the most. Zira, Zira, Zira. It was love, true love, "can't-live-without-each-other" love. Not a day would I get by without thinking of Zira. And in my great downfall, I thought only of Zira.
I was sobbing, the day I left the world. Sobbing in remorse, in self-pity. Mostly remorse. I had nearly killed one daughter, left all my wives, betrayed all. Ahadi had ruined my life, and so I had ruined other lives. Sure, I may have been stupid, but, unlike most in this uncaring pride, I had a heart.
I do not wish to kill. I am not a murderer. I do not wish to kill.