"An Auntie Made Not Born"
A/N- Inasmuch as I found Auntie Wainwright one of the most colorful and entertaining characters on 'LOTSW' and she seemed to be a fan and producer fave for decades, I found it interesting how little of her actual background was ever revealed on the show- not even her actual given name. So here's a fanfic that gives one possibility. I'm not writing this for any profits and fully acknowledge that Auntie's entirely owned by the remarkable team of producer/writer Roy Clarke and the performer Jean Alexander.
Bide-A-Wee Hospital, Holmfirth, West Yorkshire- November, 2013
"So what's her condition?" 'Truly' Truelove asked the Registrar Nurse at the front desk.
" 'Ow the 'ell would I know? She just came in a minute ago?" 35-year-old Penny Beaufort, RN sniffed.
"You wouldn't know any better with your grape-colored locks!" Truly sniffed.
"Antagonizing those trying to help her is not the wisest course," 'Electric' Entwhistle pleaded as he grabbed Truly's right arm.
"It would help if we got a bit of 'er background," Penny sneered.
"We told you! She had just sold Cleggy a Smartphone cover and was putting the cash in till when she suddenly collapsed out cold !" Truly fumed.
"I said I didn't need a Smartphone so why would I need a Smartphone cover?" Norman 'Cleggy' Clegg groaned.
"You two have been hermits in your homes for too long. Time to join world again!" Entwhistle insisted.
"So if ya 'elp give us the needed info, that would 'elp," Penny pleaded.
"We told you," Truly boiled.
"Wot's 'er name?" Penny groaned.
"Auntie Wainwright!" Truly protested.
"Now, I've come 'cross some peculiar monikers in me years at this desk but I've yet ta meet someone 'ose mother named 'em 'Auntie'!" Penny protested.
"But that's all anyone's ever known by as long as she's lived here!" Truly sputtered.
"Does she 'ave any kin 'round?" Penny asked.
"I just called Howard and Pearl Sibshaw on Smartphone. They're on way!" Entwistle announced.
"Are you sure that will help?" Truly asked.
"Howard IS Auntie Wainwright's nephew!" Entwistle replied.
"True but he's about the last person who can help with anything. Just ask Marina," Cleggy sighed.
" While we're waitin' fer 'em an' I've got nothin' better goin' on. Care to tell me where your Smartphone is, Mr. Clegg?" Penny asked.
"I haven't gotten one yet. Just the cover," Clegg explained- as he showed the young nurse said cover.
"But that's an old cigar box!" Penny laughed.
"Auntie Wainwright said that it was the same brand Desi Arnaz used to smoke," Cleggy sighed.
"Who?!" Penny asked.
"Lucy Ball's first husband. Auntie Wainwright explained that since he helped build big TV empire for her and smoked that brand, box could help Cleggy build big Smartphone network," Entwhistle explained while Penny, Norm and Truly all shook their heads and did facepalms.
"One of the most ludicrous pitches I'd ever heard , even from her, and I paid £ 55 for it," Cleggy groaned.
"That's how Auntie Wainright wins," Truly sighed.
Howard and Pearl ran into the reception room as fast as their ages allowed them.
"Still wearing the flowered apron?" Truly sniffed.
" I was in the middle of dusting when I got the call and I had no time to put it away," Howard explained.
"You never have time for dusting," Pearl fumed.
"Mr. Sibshaw, your aunt's been brought in unconscious an' we need some vitals to 'elp 'er!" Penny pleaded.
"Right! I'll do all I can to help! For once I'll show all of you I can keep cool in a crisis!" Howard exclaimed.
"This'll be worth watchin," Pearl sneered.
"To begin with, wots your aunt's full name?" Penny asked.
"Uhm, I don't know. I always just called her 'Auntie'," Howard sighed.
"And no other name?" Truly groaned.
"Well, she's the only aunt I ever had so. ." Howard sputtered.
"Her date of birth, then?" Penny asked.
"I don't know. Mother always said it was rude to ask a woman her age," Howard groaned.
"Which side of your family is she from?" Cleggy asked- somewhat unexpectedly surprised at how surprised he was still at Howard's cluelessness.
"Side?" Howard asked.
"Was she your mother or father's sister," Truly groaned.
"Neither, I think," Howard sputtered.
"Neither than how could she be . .. ?" Penny started to ask.
"The same cursed way I'm linked to him- by marriage!" Pearl groaned.
"Marriage?!" Cleggy, Truly and Entwhistle all asked somewhat floored by the revelation.
Unbeknown to the rest of them, the subject of their discussion was in the hospital triage examining room still unconscious but thinking of the time in her life when would become Auntie Wainwright. . .