(A/N: Once again, I gotta leave an author's note saying this takes place before all the girls dumped their boyfriends even though no one besides me cares. That gives you an idea of how long I've had it sitting around. Now, go forth! And REEEEAD!)
It was a nice, bright day in South Park. Cartman, Kyle and Kenny were standing at the bus stop discussing this & that, when Stan showed up looking much happier than usual.
"Guess what!" He didn't give them any time to guess. "Wendy's having this THING at her house tonight and she said I can bring you guys!"
The three boys exchanged confused looks for a bit.
"Why should WE go?" Kyle asked.
Stan was taken aback. "What do you mean 'why should we go'? Because Wendy's our friend!"
"She's not MY friend!" hissed Cartman.
Stan rolled his eyes. "Besides you. I know you'll only go for the food and shit."
Cartman switched to a sweet disposition. "Oh, you know me so well!"
"I actually agree with Cartman," said Kyle. "Wendy's your girlfriend, dude. That doesn't make her our friend. We don't even know anything about her."
"What? You guys know lots of things about Wendy! Like...uhh..." Stan left a long gap of silence. "Huh. I guess I don't know much about Wendy either."
"Dude, you didn't even know she was the captain of the volleyball team," Cartman reminded him. "I knew that before you did."
Kenny smirked. "Are you really trying to brag that you know more about Wendy than Stan does?"
"NO!" Cartman blushed with fury.
"Hmph. Well, that's gonna change!" Stan stated determinedly. "Guys, we have to go to Wendy's, uh..."
"Party?" suggested Cartman.
"Soirée?" suggested Kyle.
"Fuckfest?" suggested Kenny.
"Whatever. And we've all got to socialize with Wendy and get to know her better!"
"WHYYY?!" the other boys whined.
Stan put his hands on his hips. "Look, guys, I'm your ticket into this thing, so play by my rules, just this once! Cartman! Don't you want all that delectable, mouth-watering food? Kenny! Don't you want to score with one of Wendy's friends? And Kyle! Don't you want me to be happy?!"
The trio eyed each other guiltily. "Well..."
"You guys don't even have to get dressed up!"
"FINE!" They finally caved in.
"Thanks!" Stan grinned. "See you at 8!"
He turned and left.
Kyle raised an eyebrow. "He's...he's still coming to school with us, right?"
XXXXXXXTHATNIGHTAT8XXXXXXX
The four boys met on Wendy's doorstep.
Kyle gawked at Stan's fancy tuxedo. "Dude, you said it was casual!"
"It is. This is for ME, dude," Stan went up and rang the doorbell. "I'm going to a party at my girlfriend's house, I have to look nice."
"Pfft, look at that lame-ass bow tie," Cartman whispered to Kenny. "It's got polka dots!" The two giggled.
"So, what exactly IS this again?" Kyle joined Stan on the porch. "Some kinda banquet?"
"I dunno, something like that."
Kenny squinted at Stan in an accusatory manner. "You weren't even paying attention when Wendy told you about all this, were you?"
"He was too busy getting lost in her eyes," Cartman snickered.
"Hey, shut up, you two!" Stan whisper-shouted. "Someone's gonna answer this door any second now, and if it's Wendy's dad, I wanna make a good impression!"
"TCH! Don't act like you're such a Romeo!" Cartman shook his head. "You're worrying too much! And you just brought us along because you're too much of a little wuss to talk to Wendy alone for ONE night!"
Stan rang the doorbell again. "Listen, dude, you only have to deal with this shindig for a little while. And again, FOOD."
"Ohh, I can smell it from here..." Cartman said dreamily.
Kyle had been tapping his foot. "...CAN SOMEBODY ANSWER THIS FUCKING DOOR?!"
As if on cue, the door opened.
It was Wendy, wearing her fanciest pink dress. "Stan! ...and...Stan's friends, um...welcome!"
"Hi!" Stan tried to hug her, but she turned away before he could.
The Testaburgers' house wasn't nearly as packed as Stan had expected; there were only about 15 people present. And most of them looked WAY too old to be friends of Wendy's.
"What kind of party is this...?" muttered Kyle.
"Yeah, where are all the 6th grade girls I'm supposed to score with?" Kenny rudely asked.
"And what kind of food is THAT?" Cartman caught sight of the buffet table. It was adorned with all kinds of strange looking and exotic foods.
Wendy crossed her arms. "Stan, you didn't tell them what they were getting into? This is a family reunion! Not some kind of house party!"
"As a matter of fact, he DIDN'T tell us that!" Kyle glared at his friend.
"Ugh...you don't listen to a thing I say..." sighed Wendy. She split from the group to converse with her family.
"Welp, I'm outta here," Cartman faced the exit.
"WAIT!" Stan grabbed his arm. "What about all the bonding we were gonna do?"
"Stan, I came here to eat cake and bro down, not chew on a goat bladder with a bajillion Testaburgers breathing down my neck."
"Dude, NO! You all said you would be here for me, and I expect you to stick to that!"
"Sounds like you expected too much of us, dumbass. We don't have to stay at this nag fest if we don't want to."
"But! Guys!" Stan took on a more desperate tone. "Kyle, it'd make me so happy if you stayed with me! Kenny, I'm sure Wendy has one hot cousin! And Cartman, you have to at least TRY the food! Come ooon!"
"UGH..." The three begrudgingly stayed put. "FINE."
"Thanks! We only have to hang out with Wendy a couple minutes, and then you guys are free to do what you want!"
XXXXXXXLATERXXXXXXX
Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny and Wendy sat in a circle on the floor of Wendy's bedroom. The boys had been sitting in silence as Wendy talked about herself. Because Stan just HAD to ask for her life story. It hadn't taken them long to chew through the refreshments Mrs. Testaburger had provided for them, so they were forced to sit there with Wendy's voice as their only real source of sensory stimuli. It...wasn't fun.
"...so yeah, after I graduate from Harvard and make a name for myself in the legal system, I want to do all I can to give the Women's Rights Movement maximum impact," Wendy prattled on. "Most specifically, I want to close the gender wage gap and gradually improve female representation in the media by offering growing girls more educational opportunities all over the world. It'll be a long and inevitably annoying journey, but I'm already this far down the path, so why stop now, right?"
"..."
"That's...pretty much all you guys need to know about me."
"Oh, really? That's ALL? You don't want to tell us what color underwear you wore last Friday?" Cartman's inquiry dripped with sarcasm. "OW!"
Stan had elbowed him in the side pretty hard. Afterward, he applauded Wendy, with his friends awkwardly joining in. Kyle, Cartman and Kenny didn't really care, but at least they had listened patiently. The worst of it was over.
"Cool, Wendy, that's really cool." Kyle stood and stretched. "Took a little longer than I expected, but that's life, huh?"
"Yeah," grumbled Cartman and Kenny, making a beeline for the door.
As Stan went to follow them, Wendy grabbed his hand.
"Hey, Stan?" she began. "Thanks for showing up...and bringing your friends to get to know me. It couldn't have been easy convincing them to come here. I know everything I told them probably went in one ear and out the other, but you still cared enough to do it. Sometimes it just feels good to open up to people."
"No problem, Wendy!" Stan gave her a thumbs-up. "That's just the kinda guy I is! I-I mean, 'am'. 'The kinda guy I am'..."
Wendy giggled and pulled him into a hug.
"O-Oh," Stan hugged her back.
"...that's okay. Stan. You can let go now."
"Sorry!" Stan recoiled immediately. "Sorry, sorry."
"EEEEEK!" A screech came from downstairs. "Get away, you little creep!"
"I'll...be right back," Stan rushed out of the room. He stopped Kenny as he raced by the stairs. "What the hell are you doing, Kenny?!"
"Dude, you didn't tell me Wendy had the hottest cousin in the world! I'm gettin' me some!" the hooded boy replied.
He clawed Stan's hands off of him and went chasing the young woman he had just perved on.
Stan would've gone after him if he hadn't heard more screaming behind him.
"What's going on down there?!" Wendy called from upstairs.
"NOTHING!" Stan called back. "We're all just singing some...scream songs! Death metal! It's great!"
He tracked the commotion to the buffet table, where Cartman ravenously consuming everything that had been set out for the guests, who were crying out in distress. Kyle was clinging to his back, futilely trying to stop him.
"HOLY FUCK!" blurted Stan. He covered his mouth as Wendy's family members gave him odd looks. "Cartman! What the frick are you doing?!"
"Dude, you didn't tell me foreigners knew how to cook!" the fat boy replied between bites. "I don't know or care what country this stuff is from, it kicks ASS!"
"Oh, will you get ahold of yourself?!" Kyle smacked him on the head. "However much ass this food kicks, it doesn't excuse hogging it all and eating it like a freaking animal!"
"Yeah? How about you try it first?" challenged Cartman.
"FINE! I WILL!" Kyle snatched something up at random and popped it in his mouth. "...say, that IS good. Like, really good. What was that?"
"That was a crab & Swiss cheese melt with bacon bits on Italian bread," one of Wendy's uncles informed him.
Kyle's eyes widened. "Wh...What...?!"
Cartman looked up from his spread. "Oh, duuude, aren't jews, like, not allowed to eat bacon? Or crab? Guess you'll have to denounce your faith or something. Finally."
"NO! NO! I can't! ...I have to...!"
Kyle reached into his mouth and poked his uvula, causing him to vomit all over the floor.
"GROSS, Kahl!" spat Cartman. "You got some barf droplets got on my food! ...eh, it's still good."
He continued to dig in, causing Stan and much of the Testaburger family to throw up.
"GUH..." Stan clutched his stomach. "Guys, stop this! We should leave RIGHT NOW!"
"Hold on, I'm almost done!" yelled Cartman.
Wendy's voice came from down the hall. "Is everything okay in there?"
"YES, BUT DON'T COME IN!" Stan shouted back. "The floor is wet!"
Just then, Kenny entered from another doorway, wearing nothing but his hoodie. "The floor is- -WAGH!"
He slipped and fell in the vomit. Everyone shrieked and shielded their eyes from his nude lower half.
Stan reluctantly stepped over and helped him up.
"I think I'm done here," Kenny said, standing shakily.
"Me too," Cartman said, completely stuffed.
"Me three," Kyle said, sitting on Wendy's uncle's lap for comfort. (and to get away from the vomit)
"Wonderful," the uncle spoke up. "Because I'd say it's high time we threw you four little bastards out."
Stan raised his hands defensively. "Hey, now! I know we haven't been the best guests, but you don't have to do that! W-We were about to leave- -!"
The angry Testaburgers lifted the boys over their heads and carried them towards the front door. On their way out, Wendy's hot cousin tossed Kenny the rest of his clothes.
"You were AMAZING," she told him smugly.
With that, Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny were on the front lawn with the door slammed behind them.
"Oh, God..." Stan brushed snow off of his clothes "Wendy's going to be so pissed when she finds out what you guys did! She's gonna hate me! She'll probably even break up with me!"
"Great, so we went through all that for nothing?!" Kyle practically growled.
"Speak for yourself!" scoffed Cartman. "I tasted supremacy tonight."
"Yeah, me too. Hehehe." Kenny slipped his pants and such back on.
Stan began to hyperventilate when he heard a text notification sound. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked it. It was from Wendy.
"Hey, Stan. Just wanted you to know that my family told me what happened and I'm NOT mad. At you, anyway. It's not like any of that was really your fault. But your friends are fucking forbidden from coming to my house. Cute tux, btw. Later"
"OHHHH!" Stan kissed the screen several times. "Thank God and Jesus!"
"What?"
Stan held the phone to his heart. "Wendy and I are still cool! She's just SO understanding like that! Know what I mean?"
Cartman cringed. "Oh, God, there's that look again..."
"And she KNEW I'd be worrying about that! She KNEW to send me reassurance! She knows me so well!"
"Godammit, stop, dude!" cried Kyle.
"Wendy is simply the best! Better than all the rest! I'm so lucky to have her! You know, there are a lot of girls who..."
"UGHHH, SHUT UP, ASSHOLE!" Kenny screamed at the top of his lungs.
But the ferocious complaints of his friends didn't faze Stan at all; he kept on gushing over Wendy and rolling around on the ground as they slowly ditched him there on the sidewalk.
(A/N: That was...something. No, that's literally what I called it in the document manager. "Something". I don't even know where it came from or where it went, but I hope you liked it, at least a little. Please review, fave, point out any errors and check out my profile for more if you did. Editor-Bug out, bye!)