»Why Don't You Love Me?«
Why don't you love me, touch me, tell me I'm your everything, the air you breathe, and why don't you love me? - Hot Chelle Rae
Why don't you love me?
Am I not good enough for you?
Am I ugly?
Am I a hideous monster that hides under your bed?
I must be.
You hate me, even after all these years gone by, you never look at me and make fun of me and make sure I know I'm dirt.
Abandoned, forgotten, alone.
That's what you called me. Always, I always remember what you called me.
That word. That nickname.
It's still in my head. Like poison on a tongue, what you called me.
Weak.
Worthless.
Unloved.
All wrapped in one. It stings in my brain, knowing you called me that and you don't care about what happens to me. That you tossed me aside like a child would a toy they don't want anymore.
It hurts.
All that pain, buried under more scars and bruises, the ones we all have.
Except you. You have flawless skin, save for minor scrapes on accident. Your mom doesn't hate you, doesn't beat you until you don't know what pain is anymore, doesn't break you.
Not like me.
Me.
The child of a daemon and gargoyle.
The deformed troll.
The ugly duckling.
The villain.
For some reason, I'm not perfect.
I looked at myself every day in the broken mirror.
Scars.
Bruises.
Marks.
Fat.
Thin.
Ugly.
I didn't see what was wrong at first. Sure, I have scars and marks. I'm thin just like everyone else here.
Maybe it's because of my mom. She's fat and ugly, maybe it passed down to me. Maybe I'm fat and ugly.
All I knew was you didn't like me.
So I stopped eating.
I wore more makeup than I should.
I created a mask, a barricade from the world.
I worked harder, became stronger.
Anything, anything at all, to make you at least notice me anymore.
Some little part of me knew that if I kept this up I'd spend my days in the Mourning Fields, but I couldn't help it.
You're so perfect and beautiful.
I tried. I was obsessed with you. I had to prove I was as good as you. That you could even stand me.
That's what I did for years. I gathered together allies, friends dare I say. Two of them friends that helped me after you abandoned me. I became powerful.
You only noticed me as a threat.
You tried to destroy me.
Then you left.
You got out of this place. This trash. You got to be pampered and given everything you need. You no longer had to starve. You didn't have to hear your mother yell at how much badder you could be. (She turned into a lizard, I know. You could stand up to her, in a way I couldn't.)
You met him.
Him.
The embodiment of perfect. Of flawless, radiant. The symbol of kindness and so so perfect.
Just like you. You two fit together so well. Balancing each other out, keeping each other in check.
Rage and jealous consumed me.
Why, please, why is he so much better? Why aren't I good enough? I tried so hard, without being one of those girls that eat everything they can than go running to the bathroom to force it up and stay thin. That wore so much makeup to make them look young and pretty. To act perfect and beautiful when they weren't.
I still look in the broken mirror. And...I still don't understand why.
Why chose him instead of me?
Why break off our friendship?
Why not understand my life and the horrors I have to go through everyday?
I saw it though. When you came back, back here. You had it in your eyes. You liked me back. Maybe, there was a small flutter of hope, maybe you came back for me.
But it diminished when you wanted your turf back.
I won't give it to you.
Never.
You stole my heart, snapped it in half, and threw it back at me, complaining it didn't hit my eye.
Why would I give you anything?
My crew is loyal, and they're like my family. We've put together our broken pieces. We've helped each other up.
I promised them freedom from this place, and I won't back out of it. I won't let them down.
So give me your worst.
Even...
Even though I still care, still look in that mirror and wonder why?
I also question myself, if you didn't know.
Why did I fall so deeply that I can't get out?
Why do I need you so much?
Why am I so obsessed with you?
I don't know. You used to be there for me, and I can't get over it.
Because he's there now. Taken your heart.
But...
You're a good person. You're kind. You wouldn't ever want to hurt anyone.
So why?
Why shatter my heart?
Why leave me to rot?
Why don't you come back?
Why don't you mend my heart?
Most importantly...
Why don't you love me?
Had a theory about past Umal and this popped up.