FADE IN - INT. STUDY ROOM - DAY

PIERCE
And so the hack goes… "Punchline!"

The joke legitimately elicits a lukewarm chuckle from the STUDY GROUP, which turns into shock, then amazement. JEFF is speechless, vaguely upset.

BRITTA
Wow, Pierce! Was that your first ever non-racist, non-homophobic, non-Pierce joke?

ABED
Mmm, nice.

SHIRLEY
(reaches her hand out)
More importantly… it was actually kinda funny!

ANNIE
So proud of you!

Annie and Shirley giggle excitedly to each other.

TROY
Yeah, I might have to use that in my creative writing class with Britta.

PIERCE
Now, now, I know it's in your nature to steal Troy, but you're plenty funny on your own. Remember when you and Lesbian did that gay fufu dance first year?

Pierce wheezes. Jeff relaxes.

JEFF
There it is.

TROY
(defensive)
That wasn't a joke– and it was the furthest thing from gay, Pierce! Me and Britta were all over each other!

Troy looks to Britta for backup.

BRITTA
Troy revealed his manhood that day.

JEFF
I'll say. Those leotards don't leave much up to the imagination.

Pierce gags. The Girls blush. Troy & Abed slap hands.

BRITTA
Being funny is beside the point, anyways. Creative writing is about expressing our inner human truths through the ancient power of story.

Britta smugly holds up a Monomyth diagram. It's upside-down.

JEFF
Yeah, human truths Britta. Not twenty garbled pages about your one-eyed cat getting bullied by the others in an alley.

BRITTA
But they took his other eye and gave him feline AIDS! The tragedy needs to be told!

JEFF
(finishes a text and rises from his seat)
Well now I'm in desperate need of some brain bleach. Thanks, Britta. (to group) Fortunately, I've got a smoking hot–

ANNIE
Catch to date?

JEFF
It's good to know my sexual activity is the first thought on your mind, Annie…

Annie & Britta roll their eyes.

JEFF
But I have a literally smoking hot night ahead of me as I have been invited to a summer bonfire just outside town.
(wistful pause)
...Scotch on the lake with half-naked redheads... Can you think of any better way to celebrate our upcoming graduation?

ABED
College movie marathon.

SHIRLEY
A nice family dinner!

ANNIE
Prepping for exams with your friends?

PIERCE
(rises to join Jeff)
Ah, these girls just don't understand, Jeffrey.
(to group)
After every conquest, a real man…

Pierce looks pointedly at Troy. Troy crosses his arms.

PIERCE
…must purge what remains of his pent-up energy in an explosive, Hedonistic Bacchanal!

Jeff cocks his head. The words sound strangely familiar.

PIERCE
And four years at Greendale is a lot to purge.

Pierce rests a hand on Jeff's shoulder.

PIERCE
Whaddya say we take my Roadster over, huh? We could drive in shifts! This big ole bear can't help but get a little sleepy this late in the evening.

ABED
It's 3PM.

PIERCE
Sorry, A-bed. You can't come. (approaches A-bed) I'm worried the sight of these itsy titsy weeny peeny kibinis would shatter your already-damaged, sensitive Moslem mind. We can't risk you snapping mid-orgy and attempting to decapitate these lusty co-eds like goats, can we?

Troy, mouth agape, pencil and notebook in hand, is transfixed in transcribing the lecherous insanity spilling from Pierce's mouth.

PIERCE
(condescending chuckle) No, I'm afraid this is a classic wet slop American adventure reserved for the two hardy American leaders of this group.

Pierce returns to Jeff, arms outstretched.

PIERCE
Like father and son.

Jeff is speechless, overtly upset.

ABED
Oh, like Martin Sheen and Charl–

JEFF
Zip it, Emilio.

Abed dampens, then pumps his fist discreetly. Emilio. Troy nods, mouthing the word 'Nice' to Abed.

BRITTA
Nah, we've been over this, Abed. Jeff is totally Edible.

JEFF
For the first and last time ever Britta, you're actually slightly right about something: I do want to kill Pierce.
(to Pierce)
But you are nothing like my father. You're just nothing. Goodbye.

Jeff goes for the door.

SHIRLEY
(can't help being a mom)
Bye! Be safe, Jeffrey!

Jeff unspools a line of condoms for display as he walks away.

Shirley and Annie cringe, shaking their heads.

Britta, alarmed, checks her purse.

BRITTA
HEY!

[END OF COLD OPEN]

[OPENING CREDITS]