I'll Put A Spell On You, a devil may cry fanfic

"You're doing it wrong."

"Whaf...?"

"You're brushing your teeth wrong."

"What the fuck ever, dude? Who cares? Sheesh!"

Brush brush brush. Spit. Rinse. Brush brush.

"The best way for one to brush their teeth and not disturb their gums at the same time is to brush in circular motions, not up and down savagely as you do, dearest little brother."

Was that a warning? Why did it sound like a warning? Dante gave a sideways what-the-fuck-dude-chill look to his sibling and Vergil looked at Dante, head tilted back, foam coming out of the side of his mouth. Vergil frowned. He disliked foam, especially if it was coming from his sibling's disgusting, pizza eating mouth.

The older twin scoffed. "Sloppy imbecile" He murmured, going back to wiping off some shaving gel (no foam) under his chin leftover from his earlier shave.

Now it was Dante's turn to frown. Mouth full of fresh foam and toothpaste suds, he decided now was a good time to protest, considering that nothing made his bro more squeamish and vulnerable feeling than people talking with their mouths stuffed with anything disgusting by his standards. Not even fast foods scared him that much.

"Wha the hell shou yo care how I browsh ma theeth? An shtop calling me a imbecfel! Jerk."

Vergil stared at Dante even more now. If his little brother dared to spit on him one more time so help him he would-

Dante was now smiling widely and brushing his teeth in exaggerated circles, getting yet even more spit and overall grossness on his brothers bare chest and face.

"If you continue to cover me with your repulsive spit I will stick your toothbrush up your left nostril and throw you in the shower."

The corners of his mouth now in a mocking half smile, Dante continued his dramatic brushing even more, raising his eyebrows at his twin and then wiggling them in that annoying way of his. That, quite obviously, did it. In one smooth motion Vergil grabbed Dante's gross toothbrush out of his hand and away from his mouth and stuck it under the faucet to rinse it. Then he snapped off the brush end of it. Dante realized that Verg plus toothbrush equaled 'not good' and Verg plus pointy ended toothbrush equaled 'oh shit I'm dead!'. He gulped.

Vergil stared directly at him, his hand twisting the broken brush in front of him back and forth menacingly, daring his twin to make a move. Dante thought it best to run. Reaching out his right food to kick his brother in the shin, at the same time he grabbed Vergil's shoulder and tried to push him back so he could run past Vergil and out of the bathroom. By now, of course, his kick attack had failed (the damn jerk just had to have sidestepped it) and Dante found himself dancing a weird escape jig for a second due to the older twin half tripping him.

Then he felt Vergil grab hold of his collar. Pulling him backwards and spinning him around to face him again, Vergil tried next to grab hold of his brothers head. But Dante spit his remaining foamy saliva right into Vergil's face. Both siblings stopped, one with unbelieving fury, the other with dawning realization at his stupidity. If he thought his brother was mad earlier, now he was full throttle pissed. Vergil moved first. This time Dante didn't even have a sliver of a chance to escape. His brother grabbed his hair, yanked his head upwards, and shoved that shiny red toothbrush home, right up Dante's nostril. And the left one, too.

"DUDE!"

Dante clapped both hands on his nose in some type of effort to stop the pain and bleeding but of which proofed to be a very stupid idea indeed when it made the pain only worse. Duh.

"Ow ow ow owww! Dammit!"

Still holding onto his idiot brothers hair, Vergil reached over, turned on the shower (cold water would definitely suffice), hoisted Dante up...

"No, dude, what the f-!"

...and unceremoniously threw him in.

Grabbing a hand towel on his way out and wiping his face, the older Sparda twin ignored his siblings curses, switched off the light (payback was a bitch and, in Vergil's case, a double bitch) and slammed the door shut.

"Shit, Verg! You fucking asshole! Fucking hurts!"

Thump! Thump! Scree squeeeak-BOOM!

Vergil smiled slightly at the sounds of his brothers futile attempt to get out of the shower. More sounds of bare feet squeaking on a shower floor, more thumps and cursing and then-

Shree-riiip!

There goes the shower curtain.

"Arrrghdammitalltohell!"

Dante's nostril was on fire - just how far up did his brother manage to stuff the damn toothbrush in anyway? No doubt his left sinus was badly injured, but after falling around in the shower and on the floor it felt like the end of it had reached all the way through the skull and into his brain! And it damn well must have because man did it hurt like a bitch!

Dante talked to himself as he struggled to yank the toothbrush out of his nostril, his hands trembling, the front of his shirt covered in blood.

"I'm gonna get hiiiiim and (nffshit!) stuff hiiiim and sell hiiiim (OW! Ow!) as the biggest damn turkey at the (AGH!) country fair (Ouch! Oooh bad move! Bad mooove!)! And then he'll be out of my hair forever! Ahhh, finally!"

With an odd sounding Pop! the brush came free of the half demons nose. Dante let out a sigh of pain and relief, blowing out even more blood as he did so. Gritting his teeth, he grabbed a towel, pressed it to his nose, found the light switch and slapped it on. What the hell was his brothers problem, anyway? Well, of course he always had a nerdy psychopath problem, but this was over the top! Since when did he care how Dante brushed his teeth?

'Ah, that's right. When he's Man PMSing, AKA: frustrated, he wants everything done perfectly. EVERYTHING. Even how I brush my teeth. God, what an igit! Little note, Dante: YOUR BROTHER IS A CONTROL FREAK, DIDN'T YA KNOW!'

Now finished with his thoughts, Dante ripped open the bathroom door. Spotting his older brother sitting on the hotel room sofa, drinking from a cup and reading a book, made the younger twin snarl, setting his eyes to trigger.

"Did you have a nice time during your bathroom pampering, darling?" His brother mocked, while not even glancing his way, just continuing to sip from his cup. Oh cute – REAL cute! Vergil always tended to more more obviously sarcastic and less manner-freakable whenever things were going his way in their petty fights. Dante snarled again and lunged for his brother, but Vergil saw it coming and rose to meet him partway. They collided, struggled, and feel to the floor, Dante sitting on the older twin and punching the hell out of his face while Vergil made good work of creating Dante's chin into mashed meat with his defending blows.

"I can't believe you actually stuck it up my-"

"What's wrong, Dante? I thought you enjoyed that kind of thing."

"Shut the hell up, you prick!"

Punch, jab. Punch, slap, hair pull. Slap, punch, pinch.

Creak

Both twins stopped and turned their heads toward the hotel room door, finally noticing the presence of a maid, duster in hand, staring open mouthed at the scene before her. She had heard noises coming from this room, but this room wasn't supposed to have occupants, much less THAT kind of occupants! She felt a blush rising to her cheeks.

Noticing that the two men on the floor were staring at her, decided she should say something. Realizing that there wasn't much she could say, she just let out a lame "I, um, heard...um, fighting, from the hallway." They continued to stare. "You shouldn't be in here!" She half yelled and ran out of the room, dropping her duster as she did so, but taking one last peek and giggling before she went to find the manager.

Dante, still sitting on his brother, holding onto Vergil's hair and his hand around the jerks throat, thought it best to leave now. Of course this would happen on the ONE time they decided to pick locket their way into an empty room! And of course (Dante gulped) it had been his idea. Wordlessly, both brothers looked at each other (glaring all the while, of course), stopped their eye triggering (thank god the maid was too shocked to pay attention to that...hopefully), and started gather their things.

Grabbing his leather travel bag from the floor, Vergil pulled a shirt out and put it on. Dante was in the bathroom getting his crap, so he then quickly pulled off his pair of comfortable sweat pants and replaced them with a pair of jeans. Well. He was quite annoyed, to say the least. Great. Just great. All's he wanted was a good nights rest, and now they would have to go out at nearly midnight to find another hotel. The older twin made a mental note to always get the bathroom first from now on and not let Dante in under any circumstances. "Thank you so kindly, brother, for creating this whole mess!" Vergil sneered to his sibling, annoyed at the stupidity of it all and the idea of having to run off during the night - and from hotel owning humans no less! Of course, it was all Dante's fault. He was the one who wanted to sneak in without paying, so any noise Vergil may have caused during their fight was automatically on his younger brother's hands.

Dante came out of the bathroom with his necessities in hand, rolling his eyes. "Oh stuff it, granny, my nose still hurts. We can fight tomorrow after you've had your One A Days Men vitamin." Vergil didn't even glance at his twin, but gave him a good wack upside the head, then went into the bathroom to gather his things.

Dante decided to let the wack go after a bit of growling considering that he could (and would) just whine about his nose for the next day or two. Even as he picked up Rebellion and slung his luggage over his shoulder he could feel his nose was back to normal, but why not whine about it anyway? It would drive his brother nuts.

Vergil turned around all of a sudden, Yamato in hand, luggage in the other. He gave a hint of a smile and then grabbed Dante's nose, leading him through the door and out to the hall.

"Come along, brush brain."

"Wef go of ma nose!"

Vergil cracking phony jokes? Not cool. Vergil grabbing his nose after it just so recently healed from being RAPED by a friggen' toothbrush? Even more not cool. Down the hall, through the fire escape exit, and across the parking lot, Dante bitched at Vergil for being a sadistic, toothbrush raping asshole who really needed to get laid.

Once they reached the car, however, his brother simply wacked Dante upside the head a second time and told him not to get any blood on the seats, refusing to show that he knew it was Dante's car anyway. Before the younger twin was even in his seat all the way, the older Sparda hit the gas, sending them speeding out of the hotel parking lot (Dante cussing out Vergil all the while) and back onto the freeway, leaving tire marks, a bloody bathroom, and one annoyed manager behind in a remote hotel right off highway 403.

The action's coming soon!
Thanks for reading :D