A/N: I felt like doing something that had a little more angst in it, and wondered what it must feel like knowing that tomorrow would be your last day alive in the regular sense. Before the intervention of Kratos et al in the Tower of Salvation, Colette was destined to become an angel and thus sacrifice herself in order to regenerate the world. This short story is set the night before, in Hima, where the enormity of Colette's forthcoming sacrifice finally dawns on her, and she seeks some kind of reassurance and comfort from Lloyd.
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The creaking of the floorboards probably wasn't actually as loud as it had seemed but, in the silent night air, it felt to Colette like it would echo forever down the corridor of the Hima inn. Pausing for a second, the Chosen rested her head against the wall beside the room she had just left and listened for a few moments, making sure that Raine hadn't stirred from her slumber within. The low, shallow breathing that floated out indicated that she hadn't and Colette breathed a sigh of relief – she would have to be more careful. Since she had lost feeling as part of becoming an angel the blonde haired girl had often forgotten her own strength – and being slightly heavier handed and footed was one of the unfortunate side effects of this.
Becoming an angel. Colette thought about that as she crept quietly down the corridor. The fact was she was practically there already – and tomorrow, well tomorrow would be the end of it. Tomorrow they would enter the Tower of Salvation. Tomorrow she would break the final seal. Sylvarant would be saved, and she…
The blonde haired girl paused, realising that she was trembling. Everything had been catching up with her as late, manifesting itself as a dread fuelled fear, and nothing had been able to soothe it. Not even Bear, the cuddly toy bear that she had had since she was young had been able to comfort her this time, despite it's normally high success in doing so, and she had left it back in the bedroom.
It was true, she had been preparing for this her whole life, and she knew that her death would bring about the World Regeneration but, for a while now if she had to be honest, such knowledge no longer comforted her. The journey, while spent with people she loved more than anything else in the world, had become a lonely and miserable one, and it would be ending tomorrow.
Colette looked up, seeing the door to the room where Lloyd was staying with Genis, feeling her throat grow taunt and her lip tremble with emotions she had repressed for so long. She had done so much thinking recently, one of the few things she had plenty of time to do since losing the urge and need to sleep, and such moments had gradually began to pick away at her trust and belief in what she was doing. It was her duty, true, but there was no denying it now that she could not fully commit herself to wanting to carry it out.
Lloyd. She had stayed up late with him tonight, but it felt now like all the time in the world wouldn't be enough and she wanted to be with him again, to feel his comforting presence again. She could feel her features twitch a little as she tried to repress the bubbling emotions that were threatening to erupt uncontrollably. Just one more time tonight, to be with him.
Her hand hesitated as she curled it into a fist to knock on the door. It was highly likely that she'd knock too loudly and wake the others up too – but the only other option was to enter anyway and she wondered if that would be the best idea. Waiting indecisively for what felt like an age, she eventually shook her head and closed her hand around the handle, pushing the door open a little. Not like what anyone thinks would matter after tomorrow anyway.
The room was almost pitch black inside, but Colette's eyes had adjusted enough recently to make do of what little moonlight spilled in through the closed blinds. Gentle breathing emanated from both the beds in the room, and Colette crept across to the one that looked like it contained the larger shape beneath the sheets.
Lloyd was lying on his back, most definitely asleep in the most ungraceful manner, and Colette paused beside the bed – not quite sure what she should do next. For some reason, even though he wasn't awake, Lloyd's presence reassured the Chosen, already filling her with a warmth that encircled the sad loneliness she had felt earlier and smothered it with more positive feelings. But her time was too precious now to waste merely watching him sleep.
She knelt down beside the bed, once again finding an intense anger and frustration well up inside of her at no longer being able to speak, and placed a hand on Lloyd's arm – shaking him a little harder than she planned.
"Uh…Wha-?" The young man blinked sleepily for a second, then sat up in shock. At the other side of the room Genis stirred briefly at his outburst, but didn't wake. Colette placed her hand on Lloyd's arm again and smiled in an attempt to reassure him. As the sleepiness faded from his eyes, Lloyd returned her smile. "Colette, what's up?"
Colette paused. It was much too dark for her to trace her words on his hand like she normally did, and anyway, it wasn't like they could have much of a conversation in a room where someone else was sleeping. She raised a hand and pointed at Lloyd, then to herself before pointing to door out of the room. Mimicking walking with two fingers, she waited patiently for Lloyd to understand, and smiled when he nodded.
"You…want to go for a walk?"
Colette nodded enthusiastically and rose to her feet. Lloyd waited for a second – keeping the sheets wrapped round his waist. "Um…can I meet you outside? I need to throw some clothes on first."
The Chosen paused, before blushing and quickly leaving the room with a nod of her head. Outside, she continued along the corridor, creeping as quietly as she could down the stairs into the foyer and trying to keep her cluttered mind free from any thoughts. Fresh night air greeted her as she pushed the front door open and stepped out onto the porch of the inn.
Given that Hima was elevated high above the rest of the surrounding land, by virtue of being positioned on one of the mountains in a range, Colette was presented with a breathtaking view as she emerged. About ten or fifteen meters away the ground dropped away and an vast moonlit vista was revealed, running for as far as the eye could see – a patchwork of shadowed greens, blues, browns and yellows picking out fields, hills, forests and streams. The blonde haired girl felt her breath catch in her throat as she took in the scene, marvelling at its beauty. Not a single detail missed her gaze, everything from the movement of an owl bursting forth from a nearby tree to the gentle foaming of a stream cascading into rocks in the distance; it all added up to a wonderfully tranquil scene – the Chosen feeling at peace for a moment. Wasn't all this worth saving? Shouldn't everyone, no matter when they live, be able to witness such beauty? She felt a lump rise in her throat as she mulled over the issue, feeling so confused.
"…Colette."
She jumped as Lloyd's voice penetrated her thoughts, sounding light in the crisp air, and spun around to see the young man paused in the doorway a little way behind her.
Lloyd. Seeing him and being able to hear his voice once again threw everything into chaos. She tried to repress the negative thoughts and smiled with as much joy as she could muster as he approached.
"What's up?"
The Chosen paused for a second, before taking Lloyd's hand and tracing her words in the light of the moon.
Lloyd frowned as he read each word. "I wanted…to be with you? Haha, you dork – you only saw me an hour ago, and I'll be seeing you tomorrow too."
Colette smiled sadly, and cast her gaze down to the ground as a breeze began to swirl about them. It was so hard to express exactly what she was thinking in this way. She wasn't even sure if it could be done with the aid of speech. Bringing her eyes up to meet his gaze for a second, Colette took Lloyd's hand again and began to trace frantically on it, trying to convey her thoughts as best she could.
"I know we talked about this earlier, but I wasn't being completely honest then. I'm…scared about tomorrow. I don't know what to do anymore." As Lloyd read out her words, Colette felt his eyes on her face and she lifted her head up to meet them. Just like that, she thought. I've said it. I don't know what to do – help me Lloyd!
He placed a hand on her shoulder, and Colette felt for a moment that the contact was warming her – but she knew that was impossible because she couldn't feel temperatures anymore.
"Colette," he said, his voice no more than a whisper. "You don't have to be scared. I'll be by your side okay? I won't let anything happen to you."
Oh Lloyd. The Chosen shook her head, feeling that tears were about start pouring from her eyes. You say that but…can you stop it?
She looked across in alarm at the closed front door, unsure whether she had heard footsteps on the other side of it. Was somebody awake? Looking back at Lloyd, she took his hands in hers and began stepping back from the porch, indicating that she wanted him to follow her. The young man smiled gently and followed as she let go of one hand, turning round to lead the way.
Walking up the slightly steeping slope away from the inn, with heads bowed against the gusts of altitude strengthened wind, the pair stopped at a smaller plateau. A solitary tree stood there, surrounded at its base by a small circle of grass and illuminated by scores of fireflies that danced through the autumn gripped leaves. Colette quickened her pace, nearly pulling her companion along as she approached the tree. Taking a seat so that her back was resting against the vast trunk, the Chosen inhaled the night air, looking out at the view she was facing – a vast rolling vista which stretched far into the darkness gripped distance.
"Wow, what a view!" Lloyd sat himself down next to Colette and looked up at the high branches of the tree. "I've never seen so many fireflies before."
Colette followed his gaze up briefly, before turning to stare across at Lloyd for what felt like hours. There was a question that had been on her mind a lot recently, and she wanted to voice it tonight – feeling it was the best time to do so.
She took his hand again. "Lloyd, do you want me to do this?"
Lloyd slowly read out the words, then looked up at Colette. "I don't understand…do what?"
Colette traced words of clarification, much more hurried than before, feeling her stomach lurch nervously as she heard Lloyd translate.
"World Regeneration." She felt his hand, no, his whole body stiffen at the words. "Colette, what are you saying? You don't want to continue?"
The Chosen paused under her friend's stare, wondering what he was going to say if she answered truthfully, wondering if she was doing the wrong thing in telling him. He was going to be angry, wasn't he?
Colette swallowed, desperately battling the urge not to cry, and slowly – no more than a slight movement – shook her head. She closed her eyes afterwards and bowed her head, the silence following her admission being the most painful few moments of her life. I don't, she thought desperately, I don't want to die. I feel so terrible for thinking it, but I don't want this. Please Lloyd…don't hate me.
Her thoughts were disrupted as Lloyd's hands cupped her cheeks. Opening her eyes a little, she felt a kind of deep elation to see Lloyd smiling supportively at her. The blonde haired girl felt her pulse quicken as her eyes met his, and a confused, guilty relief filled her at his next words.
"Colette…if you don't want to go through with this then don't. No-one's going to make you, least of all me."
The Chosen swallowed hard, feeling the wrenching jumble of contrasting thoughts giving way to raw, conflicted emotion. Can I really do that though? Is it really fair on everyone else?
She grabbed his hand and traced hastily more words on it, moving so fast that she had to stop and repeat parts of it again for the young man.
"Can I really give up what I was born to do?" Lloyd paused, then shook his head. "Colette, you were born to live – and that comes first over anything and everything." The young man smiled as he took her hand. "I don't want whatever's happening to you to get any worse. I don't want you to suffer any more than you already have and…if you don't want to carry on with this then don't – we can find another way, I'm sure!"
Lloyd. The young girl smiled through damp eyes at the young man sat beside her. I'm so lucky to have met you. I feel terrible for even thinking I should give my task up, but I don't want to leave your side. But, if I don't, how could I face anyone… how could I face the others.
The last comment Colette traced onto Lloyd's hand, voicing her concerns. "I can't face them if I do this." Pausing for a second, she smiled to herself and quickly added, "Maybe I should run away."
She wrote "hehe" at the end of the remark, hoping it portrayed the joke. The young man smiled to himself for a second and looked up at the fireflies again. The seconds turned into minutes before he finally spoke, and when he did it was no more than a soft, gentle, whisper.
"Colette…do you…want to?"
Lloyd! She looked across in alarm, studying her friend's face in an attempt to discover whether he was joking or not.
"Are you serious?" she traced frantically on his hand.
"Well, we could…y'know, if you wanted to." Lloyd looked away for a second and, on seeing a blush light up his serious face, Colette realised he wasn't joking. The young man paused for a moment before continuing. "…I mean, if you wanted to give this up, and you really couldn't face the others…well, um…if you did run away then I would come with you…"
Oh Lloyd, you mean it? Deep down, Colette knew this whole conversation was pure, simple indulgence. Like a heavy weight settling on her stomach, she knew that it would never happen, and sensed that Lloyd knew it too. Her mind was working constantly, trying to pull her to her senses, but the young Chosen tried to resist it for the time being. At the end of tonight, she thought, I will lie in bed and wait for the morning to come and then I will sacrifice myself to save the world. But…for tonight, I can dream, right? I can pretend that I don't have to do this. Just once, I can be selfish.
She took Lloyd's hand, smiling sadly as she wrote.
"That would be nice. Where would we go? What would we do?" Lloyd read the tracings and laughed. "Haha, we'd go wherever you wanted to Colette. How about Palmacosta? You liked it there."
The Chosen smiled at the memories she had of the place – yes, it was true, she did like the port town. She took Lloyd's hand and traced her reply.
"Cool. I could really settle there. We could find somewhere nice to live by the sea."
Lloyd laughed, and rested his head against the tree trunk. "Yeah, if we did that then we could go to the beach everyday."
Colette found herself tracing her words ever faster, fuelled by excitement for an event she knew would never happen. "And watch the sun rise and set whenever we wanted," she wrote, "and we could go fishing…have our own boat or something!"
"That would be amazing huh?" Lloyd sighed contentedly and looked across at his companion.
Colette nodded, knowing full well now that she was about to cry – and there was nothing she would be able to do to stop it. It would be amazing, but it would always remain a dream – a cruelly unobtainable one that she would never have again after tomorrow and even just pretending it was possible filled her with guilt at mentally shirking her responsibilities. The Chosen felt tears begin to form on her eyes as a strange finality washed over her. Tomorrow…Oh, I was so stupid to think I had a choice…I have to go through with this.
Taking Lloyd's hand again, Colette bowed her head down to escape the sudden gust of wind that billowed through her hair, noticing the tears bead on her eyelashes as she scrawled. "It would be nice, but I –"
Lloyd's free hand stopped hers from tracing any further. He, like her, had seen the first drops of tears that had begin to splash on her hand as she wrote, and he held it close to his chest, moving position so that he was kneeling opposite the young Chosen. "I know," he whispered softly. "I know."
His sympathetic comment brought down the last of Colette's emotional barriers, and, accepting that the inevitable really was going to happen, the tears began to fall furiously from her eyes. Falling desperately forward into the young man's arms, Colette began to weep bitterly – clutching at his clothes tightly, as if she was trying to pull him into her.
It's not fair, she wanted to cry out. It's not fair. For some reason, the loss of her voice hadn't extended to render her crying inaudible; it was loud and awkward in the night air – a terrible sobbing that racked every part of her body. I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I don't want to die.
Lloyd quickly pulled her close to him, stroking her hair and face and whispering soothingly to her.
"It's all right," he said softly. "I…I won't let anything happen to you. I won't let this angel thing take over. I'll make sure you stay you! It's all right."
Oh Lloyd, if only you knew. Colette buried her head in the young man's chest as she cried, her tears soaking deep into his jacket. But even now, the night before, she couldn't bring herself to tell him the truth. She just couldn't. Tomorrow, at the end of it all, she was going to die and she just couldn't tell Lloyd that. This way, well, this way she could still protect him from the truth, and from being hurt that little bit longer.
Until it happens, she concluded dejectedly. I'm such a coward.
Wiping her eyes, the young Chosen moved position so she was sat between Lloyd's legs, with her back against his chest. She took the young man's hand again and, hiccuping and sniffing, traced more words on it.
"I'm so glad, and grateful, that you came with us Lloyd. So glad, but, in a way, I also wish you hadn't because it's made me regret what I'm doing." Lloyd paused after reading her words aloud, and suddenly wrapped his arms around the blonde haired girl. "Colette…this probably sounds stupid but…is something else going to happen tomorrow? Something you haven't told me?"
Now's your chance. Tell him and he'll stop it. He won't let you carry on with this. Colette closed her eyes for a moment, wondering if she should – wondering if she had the strength to, but it was no good. He would, after all, find out soon enough anyway and until then she wanted him to be as happy as possible. I owe you that much Lloyd.
"It doesn't really matter now – I don't want to discuss it anymore Lloyd. Just hold me, please?" Tracing her words slowly, Colette paused afterward to look him pleadingly in the eyes. Please drop it, she thought desperately.
Lloyd looked as though he was going to protest, but after a while gave a small, sad smile. "Sure, if that's what you want."
His arms drew her closer and she wrapped hers around them, nestling her head under his. For some reason the close contact seemed to alleviate some of her dread fears and she found herself relaxing in his embrace as their breathing became rhythmic and unified. She wanted the horrible feeling to go altogether, but still she couldn't shift it.
"Lloyd, can you tell me a story? I don't mind what, but it has to be a happy one." Colette finished tracing the words across Lloyd's arms and looked up at his face, waiting. The young man looked awkward for a moment.
"Um…a story? Well…I'm not too good at telling stories but…" he met her gaze and smiled shyly, "…but well, I guess I could try. A happy one eh? Give me a moment then."
Colette rolled onto her side so that she was resting her head against Lloyd's chest with an arm draped round his waist. Since growing up, the most they had ever done was small, quick hugs and the young Chosen wondered if this type of close contact now embarrassed the young man – as she herself felt the blood rise in her cheeks. But, thinking about it as she snuggled closer to the young man, Colette found that she didn't really care about the implications at such a late stage. As Lloyd thought, she lay back, watching the wind pluck leaves from the tree branches above, while the fireflies danced in the invisible currents. The night sky was a beautiful deep blue, like a diamond studded strip of velvet, and it felt as though she would fall up into its void if she stared any longer.
"Right…a happy story." Lloyd's voice cut through her thoughts and she gazed up contentedly into his warm eyes. "Well, um, here we go, but if it sucks then don't blame me – I did warn you!" He placed an around the Chosen and continued.
"Once upon a time there was this little girl, and her name was Colette. She was born to be the Chosen – and moved to a small village called Iselia where she would live until the time came that she would depart on the journey of World Regeneration. Life was hard for Colette at first – she had trouble making friends because all of the other children seemed to treat her differently, even though she just wanted to live a normal life, play normal games and make normal friends."
Colette remained watching the young man as he spoke, and felt a strange shiver pass through her – the hairs on the back of her neck standing on end. What was this? It couldn't have been the cold, because she couldn't feel such things anymore, so why…?
Lloyd continued, never taking his eyes from hers. "But eventually she did make some friends – people who accepted her for who she was – and that made her happy. From then on, her time growing up in the village was cheerful and full of joy.
One day, Colette strayed far out of the village whilst playing with her friends – and got lost in the woods. Soon, it began to get dark, and she wondered if she would ever be found – surely the villagers must be looking for her right? After all, she was the Chosen. Then, some bushes rustled nearby and Colette ran over to them, thinking it was a member of a search party or something – but it turned out to be a couple of wolves. They jumped forward and tried to bite her, and Colette ran away through the forest – even though the wolves were much faster and gained on her with every step. One of them bit at her clothes, causing her to trip and fall over – and she curled up where she fell, thinking that they were about to kill her.
Suddenly, one of her closest friends, a young boy called Lloyd, came out from the bushes nearby and fought off the wolves. He, like the villagers, had been out all day looking for Colette but, unlike the villagers, he was looking for her not because she was the Chosen, but because she was his friend.
Lloyd managed to get her back to Iselia, and that night made a promise that he would always protect her no matter what the odds – because, more important than anything else, they were friends. That is why he followed her when she left the village on her journey. That is why he has always stood by her side no matter how outnumbered they are, and that is why, even though there is something she isn't telling him, he will stand by her side tomorrow and protect her from harm – even if it endangers the World Regeneration."
Lloyd smiled, wiping the drying tears from Colette's eyes before continuing. "Because, much more than a Chosen, you are a dearly loved friend Colette. My friend."
He knew. The blonde haired girl felt her lip tremble at the kindness Lloyd had put in the story, but it seemed to instil some kind of confidence within her too. She felt like something may actually come up tomorrow at the very end – like there could be some other way. The blonde haired girl smiled softly, it was a good thought to go on; one to hold close to her heart.
"Thank you Lloyd," she traced on his hand. "Thank you for everything – you are," she paused, trying to find the words to write. "You are the most wonderful person I have ever met. Truly! There is no-one I treasure more than you!"
Lloyd blushed as he mentally read the words, and looked up at the fireflies descending around them – the gusts of wind tugging at his hair much more furious now. "Ah…well, hehe. I'm lucky too – don't forget that. You're a very special person to me Colette, and I'm really glad I met you. I'm not planning on you going anywhere, so don't worry – okay?"
He shuddered as another gust of wind tore between the pair.
"Are you cold?" Colette asked, tracing the words quickly across his arm. She hadn't realised, not being able to feel the biting drop in temperature.
"A little, but I'll be fine." Lloyd smiled and squeezed Colette close in a hug. The Chosen rested in his arms for a moment, then grabbed his hand.
"We should go back in," she scribbled. "You can't protect me if you've got a cold." She smiled as he stared at her, and the young man nodded.
"Well…okay then, if you're ready."
The short walk back to the inn was a silent affair, Colette too lost in her own thoughts to stop and trace any conversation. The dread feeling had returned a little, weighing her down with every step she took back towards the inn. That was it then, she thought, our last night together. The blonde haired girl felt as though she would cry again at the idea of it, but then realised that she didn't seem to have any more tears left to produce. Perhaps it was for the best.
The pair stole quietly inside, lightly treading up the creaky staircase, and paused hesitantly on the landing.
"Um…well," Lloyd gave his companion another gentle hug. "…I'll see you bright and early tomorrow then, yeah? That's if you're okay now?"
Colette nodded, trying but failing to keep the smile from being tainted with sorrow, and waved a hand goodbye. The young man paused for a second, as if there was something else he wanted to say, but nodded and crept quietly back into his room. The Chosen stood alone on the landing, feeling as though some part of her heart had just been ripped out – an emptiness that grew each time she cast a look at the door to her own room. She didn't want it to be over yet – she felt cold, alone and scared again, but the feeling alleviated each time she looked back at the door to the young man's room.
A thought came to her, and she quickly moved to put it into action. It didn't matter anymore – not after tomorrow. It didn't matter what anyone thought. She stopped in front of the young man's door and hesitantly raised a hand before knocking gently – at least she hoped it was gently – on the hard, oaken wood.
The door opened almost straight away, as if Lloyd had been pausing on the other side of it himself, and, without a moment's pause, Colette threw herself into his arms again, squeezing him tightly and not letting go. He returned the gesture with passion, his strong arms embracing her protectively as they stood in the doorway, lost in the moment.
Eventually, Colette forced herself to break away so she could write on the young man's hand again.
"Can I stay with you tonight?" she scrawled, "I don't sleep, and I don't want to be alone…just lying awake on my own."
"Um…" Lloyd met her gaze and blushed. "Well…um, sure…if you want to, that is…"
The young Chosen smiled and nodded enthusiastically, indicating that she wanted to get changed first. Creeping back into her bedroom, she quietly swapped her clothes without waking Raine, and moved to return to the hallway. Just as she was about to leave, she remembered Bear, the cuddly toy bear she had kept with her since she was young, and silently padded back over to the bed to retrieve the soft comforter. It sounded as though Raine was stirring as the Chosen crept back out, closing the door gently behind her – so Colette dashed as quickly as she dared back down towards Lloyd's room – fuelled by nervous excitement.
As she entered, Colette heard the gentle breathing of Genis – indicating that the half-elf was still asleep – and she tip-toed across to Lloyd's bed, clutching the bear close to her and feeling a strange, awkward sensation in her stomach.
Lloyd had got changed too, and looked across from under the blankets as Colette approached the bed. He held out a hand to her, and the young Chosen took it with a smile, climbing into bed almost apologetically beside him. The blonde haired girl couldn't name all of the feelings that passed through her as she snuggled up close to Lloyd. She felt nervous, but happy – and warm! It was supposed to be impossible but, between the blankets, Lloyd and Bear, Colette felt so warm and delighted that she could barely believe how fortunate she was, and she squeezed the young man beside her tightly.
"You okay?" he whispered, returning the passionate embrace.
The young Chosen nodded and smiled. She did feel better in a way – a sort of inevitable feeling that came with not being able to do anything to change what was going to happen. The dread fear was still there, and she didn't think it would ever really go, but at least for now it was muted and subdued beneath more positive emotions. Moving her head a little, Colette placed a kiss on Lloyd's cheek and waiting patiently until the young man was asleep – freeing a hand when his breathing had grown soft in slumber.
"I love you Lloyd," she traced on his arm, before returning to the embrace, intertwining her limbs with his. It had been a good last night, and now all that was left was for her to close her eyes and hope the morning never came.