A/N: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! This is my present to you, because chocolate can't go through the computer. Trust me….Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to clean the computer screen off! (JOKE! I didn't really mess up the computer screen.) I do not own Gravity Falls.
Hello, I'm Grunkle Stan, and today is the sappiest holiday in the world! I'm going to help all of you lazy, wait-until-the-last-minute bums with my expert advice! Now, things are going to be slightly different. I'm gonna be delivering advice to the kids, the teens, and the adults. Feel free to read each section. I don't care- you'll still be paying for this! This is monetized, right? Right?
Firstly, the kiddies. I remember the horrible awkwardness of having to pick out cutesy cartoon cards for every student in your class, and then practically get arthritis trying to scribble down everyone's name, along with a personal message! Well, I have revolutionized that process. With only the finest, quality knick-knacks from the Mystery Shack, I have concocted special presents for your classmates! Items like "Lenny the Lintball Of Love!" and "Carlos The Cotton Ball!" Or, how about "Harriet Hair Clumps" or "Rachel the Rusty Nail!" Plus, I had a special assistant give personalized messages on them! His hoof- Uh, trotter, is dunked in a can of paint and he prints his signature on them. That shows the quality! No money back if the print breaks your toy.
Now, the teens! Ah, young love. It stinks! Love inspires you to do stupid things, like vandalize a local water tower, or die, because your families won't let you meet. Yeah, I know Shakespeare! What of it? I'm going to use an example. Take Alois Dimpfelmoser. THIS HOODLUM IS A DIRTY RAT! He stole all of my notes for this section! Believe it or not, I actually try to plan these out. So, STAY AWAY from Alois! Avoid him like the plague, or some kind of monster is chasing you!
Finally, the adults. I was married once. IT WAS BAD! I'm gonna be frank with you. Marriage is like a flesh-eating disease. It sucks all the life out of you, turning you into a shell of your former self. The arguments, the yelling, crankiness! Some of you may know that I'm quite a fisherman, and you may have seen me trying to lighten the mood with some humor. I wasn't kidding when I said that marriage was terrible! It's like if a devil and some kind of monkey-sea manatee hybrid decided to have a brainstorming session to come up with the worst thing possible!
But, I'm not as cynical as I sound. Marriage can be tolerated if you truly love the person. That brings me to my bonus message. "Grunkle Stan's Guide To Love!" You see, love comes from little glands in your body that-...-Sknxsffffzzzz…...buffalo…...SSfffnn Frzanmkk… makes you feel like a rat is killing you..Hello? Sjnfw…. tuba. And that's not all. Additionally, FJSSNXXXX..Fzx wdkO...There! Now it's working. I'm Bill Cipher, and my present to you was telekinetically controlling this oaf's typewriter, thereby sparing you from his disgusting messages. I hope you remember this when I try to rule the world. Buy gold, the apocalypse is coming, BYE!
THE END