DISCLAIMER: DON'T OWN ANYTHING AT ALL, except for the plot, Penelope, Alex, Serena, Teresa, and Marissabelle's first names.

disclaimer applies to all chapters.

Not-So-Shocking Retirement of Chudley Cannons Manager Ragmar Dorkins

The Chudley Cannons quidditch team won the league in the year 1892, a win that was to be the last for a long while after they won the league 21 times, total.

In 1972, the team motto was changed from 'we shall conquer' to 'let's all just keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best'.

The current team is just as hopeless as the one before, and the one before that one, and so on and so forth. There are four men and three women on the team, the youngest player being Chaser Penelope Parkin, 17 years old, the oldest Beater Alexander Metcalf, 24.

Seeker Galvin Gudgeon, 20, and his sister, Keeper Gladys Gudgeon, 18, have a somewhat adversarial relationship on the pitch, due to her dedication to the sport, and his lack of focus, as demonstrated in their match againt the Tutshill Tornadoes, when Galvin fell off his broom attempting to catch a passing bumblebee.

Beater Joey Jenkins is an overly violent 22 year old half-spanish man, who has committed too many fouls to count, and has, this author suspects, been arrested and jailed on charges of assault, issued by a man who may or may not be ex-respected member of wizarding society and convicted death eater Lucius Malfoy, age 44.

Chaser Dragomir Gorgovitch, record holder for most Quaffle drops in a season, transferred to the team near the end of 1995, after spending almost a year with the Falmouth Falcons, seems much more interested in his appearance and his popularity than with the team, or even with the sport. In fact, when asked what he thought about his record, Gorgovitch replied 'what the hell is a Quaffle?'

And the final member of the team is Chaser Serena Fawcett, a new find for the team, recently out of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, age 19, who appears to be a competent and confident player. This reporter presumes she was hired by a team no better than the Chudley Cannons due to her lack of experience.

Consider what you have just read. If you didn't get it before, I'll tell you straight out now: the Chudley Cannons are, quite probably, the WORST Quidditch team in the history of the sport, and even their fans know it. Apparently so does their manager, Ragmar Dorkins, because he recently announced his retirement, saying 'I've been with the Cannons as long as I can remember, and I was a fan of them before I was their manager. But they're just too bad, it's too depressing to see them play, I'm tired of rescuing Galvin from angry fans, and I quit. I do apologize to Serena though. She's a fairly good player, actually. Better than the Cannons have had in a long time. I hope the team gets a new manager soon, maybe one who can help them actually win a match.'

Long winded, but the point comes across clearly. The Chudley Cannons are terrible, and manager, fans, and probably players, are all praying for a manager who can whip the team back into shape, possibly returning them to their former glory and adding another tally to their league win count.

Somehow I doubt that's going to happen anytime soon.

Amaretta McLeod, Daily Prophet reporter.

Galvin dropped the paper in disgust and stalked into the changing room.