Happy Valentine's Day! :D
I don't know why, but the idea for a Freakazoid! Valentine story came to me, so I decided to go with it. The dynamic in the show makes it easy for me to see Freakazoid getting everyone a Valentine. Anywho, enjoy!
Freakazoid! © 1995 Steven Spielberg
If there was ever such a thing as a quiet day in D.C., then today might have been that day. It was a peaceful day, focused on lovers, thanks to the pink, red, and white decorations everywhere.
It was this specific reason that this day wasn't that quiet.
A ballistic bolt flashed through downtown.
"Aw, nutbunnies!" Freakazoid exclaimed. "I should never have waited to buy Steff's gift! Dumb dumb dumb!"
He blew into the first grocery store he could find and headed straight to the candy aisle.
He froze at the beginning—empty!
Except for one solitary box of chocolates that another guy was heading for.
Fortunately, Freakazoid had super-speed. He examined his prize at the other end of the aisle.
"Oh boy! Froumagé de Chocolate! This is Steff's favorite!" he hugged the box with glee and dashed to the cash register. "I thank you!" he said, depositing the cash and blasting out the door.
The girl at the cash register examined the money. "I'm not sure I want to know where he was keeping his wallet."
Freakazoid was speeding off in search of Steff when he heard screaming.
He skidded to a halt and put a hand to his ear. "Hark! The sound of people in distress! I'm coming!" he hollered as he dashed off.
A few blocks away, he found the Lobe chasing people around with a handheld device.
"Hold it!" Freakazoid bellowed. The Lobe skidded to a halt.
"Ah, Freakazoid," the Lobe said, turning to him. "I was wondering when you'd come to put a stop to my fun."
"Fun?" Freakazoid asked, excited now. "Ooh, what kind of fun? Is it canasta? Charades? Corn-cob eating contest?"
The Lobe stared at him. "It is an expression, Freakazoid!"
"Oh. So what are you doing, then?"
"It's my most devious invention yet!" the Lobe exclaimed, indicating his device. "This Love-o-tron whips anyone it's aimed at into a Valentine's-Day frenzy!" he spotted the box under Freakazoid's arm. "What is that? Is that a Valentine's Day gift for me?"
Freakazoid froze, then pointed at the Love-o-tron. "Say, I think that sprung a leak."
"Augh! Where?" the Lobe checked his device frantically. "I can't let the pheromones leak out! That would cause absolute madness!"
Freakazoid, meanwhile, had zipped away.
"I didn't get anything for the Lobe! Now what?!"
He skidded to a halt and rushed over to Longhorn, busy robbing a bank/meat market.
"Longhorn! Listen, I got a question—"
"No, I ain't comin' quietly!" Longhorn growled.
"That's not it," Freakazoid said, waving him off. "I need ideas on what to get Lobe for Valentine's Day."
"Heroes don't get villains Valentines!" Longhorn exclaimed. "Is there something you're not telling me?" he asked, leaning in close and glancing around.
"No no no. You can get Valentines for people you care about," Freakazoid clarified.
"Is that so?" Longhorn asked, surprised. "Well then, what did you get me?"
Freakazoid gave that some thought. "One moment." He zipped off, then zipped back. "For you: a heart-shaped branding iron."
"Oh, I've always wanted one of these!" Longhorn said, accepting the gift with glee.
Freakazoid, meanwhile, was in search of someone else to ask.
He found that someone at the end of a rope.
"Say, Candle Jack—"
One zip-pan later….
"You know, I wonder about you," Jack informed Freakazoid, tightening the loop around him.
"Yeah, yeah," Freakazoid said, noting the long line of name-sayers behind him. "Say, what do you think would be a good gift for Lobe for Valentines?"
Jack gave this some thought. "I don't know. Is this platonic, or more personal?"
"Sort of like a 'thanks for being such a great villain all these years' sort of thing."
"Then how come I didn't get anything?"
Freakazoid gave this some thought. "I'll give you a pie if you untie everyone."
Jack's head bowed in thought. "Deal."
Freakazoid ran through the city, still at a loss. He spotted someone who might be able to answer his question and ran over to him.
"Hey, Cave Guy!" he exclaimed, startling the blue brute as he examined a florist's cart.
"Not now, Freakazoid," Cave Guy said. "I've got a date with Cobra Queen later, and I don't want to miss it!"
"Why would you?"
"Jail?"
"Oh. Hey, what do you think I should get Lobe for Valentines?"
"Chocolate is a good way to go," Cave Guy said, going back to perusing the florist's cart. "It's quick and says 'I think of you on Valentines' without saying too much."
"But the stores are all empty now! All I was able to get was this, and this is for Steff."
"Froumagé de Chocolate?" Cave Guy said. "That's exclusive. How did you get that?"
"It was the very last one on the shelf," Freakazoid said, holding it reverently.
"Then I'd check the expiration date if I were you," Cave Guy said, pointing. He turned back to the cart. "Do you think Cobra Queen would like petunias?"
"What about roses?"
"Too cliché."
"How about that bamboo plant?" Freakazoid suggested, pointing.
"Ah, yes, that would go well with those Japanese paper lanterns she has." Cave Guy leaned over to where the florist was hiding. "How much?"
"On the house," the florist spluttered. "Just go."
"How nice of you." Cave Guy turned, but before he could say anything more, they were interrupted by chuckling.
Waylon Jeepers came slinking up to them.
"I have a good suggestion for a Valentine," he giggled. "Want to hear it?"
"NO!" Freakazoid yelled. "We don't want to see your watch! What did I tell you about the beavers, huh? Get out of here, Creep! Go get an iced coffee or something! Because I'll tell you something: this is a happy place!"
Jeepers crawled away, thoroughly cowed.
"I swear, that man creeps me out," Cave Guy muttered. "I've got to go."
Freakazoid scowled. He was no closer to his goal. Now what?"
"Hey, Freakazoid! Want to try some almond milk?"
Freakazoid looked over at Cosgrove. "Oh-kay!" he exclaimed.
A few moments later….
"You know, I wonder how they milk an almond," Freakazoid pondered.
"No idea," Cosgrove said, sipping the milk. "By the way, the Lobe is causing a ruckus with some Love-o-tron thing."
"I know. Say, what should I get Lobe for Valentines?"
"I always find that it's best to get something from the heart."
"Like what?"
"Something he'd appreciate."
Freakazoid gave this some thought.
He snapped his fingers as a lightbulb went off over his head.
"I've got it!"
Freakazoid found the Lobe at a café, busy fixing his Love-o-tron.
"Finally!" Lobe exclaimed, holding the device up. "It's ready to reenter the fray!"
"Oh, Lobe-y," Freakazoid called.
"There you are, Freakazoid, what kept you?"
"I forgot—I left my gift at the Freakalair. Here."
And he handed him a slip of paper.
"You have a Freakalair?" Lobe asked, accepting the slip.
"Well, yeah—it's mentioned in the theme song."
"Before or after I get bopped with the hammer?"
"After."
"That explains why I never noticed it," Lobe said, unfolding the slip. He gasped when he read it. "'This coupon entitles the holder to one full hero-villain clash, complete with chase.' Oh, Freakazoid, I love it!" Lobe exclaimed, hugging the slip.
"Great!" Freakazoid said, relieved. "Could you do me a favor though and cash that in later? I have more Valentines to deliver."
"Certainly," Lobe said. "How does next Tuesday sound?"
"Great! See you then!"
The Lobe ran off as Freakazoid zipped away. "Ooh, I have to get back to my lair right away! I have to make sure that the scheme for this slip is the best I've come up with yet!"
Freakazoid zipped to a halt next to Steff, down on one knee and holding his present.
"For you, Steff—" he began.
"Hey, Freakazoid!" Steff said. "I'm glad I bumped into you. I forgot to tell you yesterday—I decided to give up chocolate until May."
Freakazoid froze. He zipped away, then came right back in the same position.
"For you, Steff: a heart-felt Valentine."
"Aw, that's so sweet," Steff said, accepting the card.
"Thanks. I gotta go finish giving out Valentines."
And with that, Freakazoid zipped over to Cosgrove.
"For you, Cosgrove: a heart-felt Valentine."
"Gee, thanks, kid," Cosgrove said, accepting the card. "By the way—"
But Freakazoid was already off to Dexter Douglas' house.
He blew into the living room, dropped off the box of chocolates (to Debbie Douglas' delight) and zipped up to the second floor.
Duncan answered the knocking at his door. "AAH! Not you!"
"Happy Valentines, Duncan!" Freakazoid said, shaking his hand. "Let's wrasle!"
Jack floated by with a fresh string of name-sayers.
Cosgrove spotted him.
"Hey, cut that out," Cosgrove told him.
And he did.
And now you know the rest of the story. Good day!