The WARNING!!!: This is a story written for no other reason than to kill off a character. If that's not your cup of tea, you may want to think about skipping it and reading something of ours that isn't part of the Anime Hit List Arc. Thank you.

The Disclaimer: We, Boobies of Power or the Anime Assassin Corps, do not own either Neon Genesis Evangelion or Slayers. We do own the Anime Assassin Corps and the Anime Hit List.

The Notes: This report was altered slightly to accomodate this archive. If you'd like to read the original (images+pretty colors+dynamic font) please visit our homepage the Anime Hit List. (Link can be found on our profile page.)

Anime Assassin Corps Official Report

Case #15: Eva Confused

The Client: The Down with Whiners Society (Fictional Charity)

The Hit: Shinji Ikari (Neon Genesis Evangelion)

The Intro:
I don't want to pilot the Eva. But I have to. I HAVE TO!!! OR...or nobody will like me. Everyone hates me. EVERYONE HATES ME!!! I'm... I'm nothing without my Eva. Being a pilot gives my life value. Without the Eva, my life has no value. I am nothing. Blah-blah-blah. Whine-whine-whine.

GET OVER IT!!!

This sorry excuse for a human being is a charity case that the AAC has authorized for the sake of saving the whole of humanity from Shinji's incessant, self-pitying whining.

The Hitman: Only someone with knowledge into the realm of the human psyche would be able to endure the Depression Fissure that the Hit has formed around himself. Only someone of supreme strength and power could penetrate his Woe-Is-Me barrier. That someone is...
Lina Inverse!

Okay, okay. So, she's not a psychology genius. But at least, she's got the Dragon Slave.

The Lina Scrolls
By Lina Inverse

Now I don't usually just go around killing people for no reason. But the AAC was offering a lot of ... MONEY!!! smiles So, of course, I took the job.

Gourry: But Lina, you didn't say anything about getting paid for that job.

Oh, Gourry! You told me I could keep it all because I did all the work. Don't you remember?

Gourry: I know I would have remembered that!

That's what you said. Are you trying to take it back now? sniffle Just because you don't remember saying it?
You're so mean.

Gourry: Now, Lina. I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that saying something like that is something I wouldn't forget.

pouting It's just like you to accuse me of lying. First, you took back what you said about letting me have the Sword of Light.

Now,... sniffle this.

Gourry: I KNOW I NEVER TOLD YOU COULD HAVE MY SWORD OF LIGHT!!!

Oh, Gourry! I haven't got the time to argue with you about what you said and don't remember. I have to finish telling what happened.

Gourry: Fine, but you are not getting the sword.

First of all, I just wanted to say That I thought this would be the easiest money I've ever made.

I was wrong.

I found the boy, Shinji, curled in a fetal position insanely murmurring something about "eva...nothing...out eva..." He didn't even notice my approach.

I even flicked him on the forehead. All he did was change his rant to "everyone hates me".

With him acting like that, no wonder everyone hates him.

In this condition, I figured I'd be out of there in time for lunch. There was no use in wasting energy. A small spell was all I needed.

Fireball!

The boy was engulfed in the explosion. But as the flames died away, I could see he still lived.

"Everyone hates me! Everyone..."

Damn! How about...

Flare Arrow!

The flaming arrows struck him in the chest. But all it did to him was make him stand and chant even louder.

"I'm nothing without Eva. I'm nothing..."

What's wrong with this kid?

Okay, how about...

Dragon Slave!

I would have assumed I had finally killed him, but this Shinji was not what he seemed. I waited for the smoke to clear. Sure enough, he was alive.

"I'M NOTHING WITHOUT EVA. EVERYONE HATES ME!"

SHUT UP!

He blinked and then spoke. "I have to pilot Eva. If I don't, I'm nothing and no one will like me."

People are not friends because of the feats they can do, but because of how they act and treat one another.

"You don't know what you're talking about!"

Well, at least he wasn't chanting anymore.

"What are you doing here?"

Me? Why I'm Lina Inverse. I'm here to kill you.

"WHAT?"

Ragnon Blade!

The blade sliced right through the boy and his dumbstruck expression. This time there was no getting up.

smirks

LUNCH!

Mission accomplished April 30, 2002.