Forever alone, something we all feel. Sat with couples, your friends all having relationship promblems, your younger sibling finding some one before you. Not ever finding that someone special, who would even consider looking at you that way. Loving the one who lives so far away you may never meet them, or worse, don't even know who you are. But you know them, and have come to love them. Or what I think is worse. Having them so close, seeing them constantly, but no where near enough. Their laugh, their smile, finding a way to weave in to your mind, being the last thing you see before your eyes fall shut. Wanting, needing to be with them but it hurting every second. Butterflies seeming to live in your stomach as they do that smile, that smile that seems to be just for you. Their quick touches, looks across the room, in crowded places. How they don't feel the same. How you have no effect on them, seeing you as just 'one of the lads' or the person who you can always rely on, that really good friend that seems to do anything for you. The hope and joy of your moments together falling when you see them watch someone else, look at someone else. Be with some one else. I think that's worse, the torment of knowing how happy they make you but how you mean nothing in comparrison to them. Yeah, that's the worst to me. And I didn't even know it was happening.
I was a child still, not technically, but a lot of my traits of my young self remained. But I had to grow fast, mature and learn to get on with things because they won't do themselves. At heart, in soul I was still clinging on to the few parts of my childhood I could. I never let it show, keeping it to myself and being known as the shoulder to cry on, the one to go to when stuff needed to be done. It was kind of a wall to keep away the friends that really you mean nothing to. But there was the few, very few that without getting me drunk I could really be me around. He was one of the few. My good posture I had attained from years of dance training fell when I sat at Toby's, lying leaning up on the arm of his couch. I watched his footsteps as he walked in circles, talking in to his phone as usual. Any one else would have look mentally unstable doing the things he did but to me it was just Toby. He was saying his final good byes before we headed out for some coffee, panning the camera to me and ranting about what a lazy woman I was. I stuck my tongue out at him before jumping up and grabbing the phone from his hand.
"Lazy am I? Well audience, maybe we should go and see the state of a Mr. Turner's room shall we?" I said confidently, watching him chase after me as I neared closer to the stairs, trotting up as I neared the dreaded place where it constantly looked like the remains of a wreckage. He was fast, catching up with me quick and using his height, even on the stairs to snatch it from me. It was a clear disadvantage, and I span quickly to frown at him. "Bully!" I shouted, swatting at him as we headed back down the stairs. He shook his head, his curls swaying slightly as he stumbled down with his heavy feet.
"Well that's it Audience! I'm going to head out with this weirdo to get some coffee. Why am I even friends with you?" He asked, turning with an expression making it hard to know if he was joking or not. I turned sideways, running past him and grabbing my coat from the hanger at the bottom of the stairs.
"Because Mr. Turner," I started, moving back behind him as he looked anxiously from the front screen camera. "I stop you hurting yourself everytime you go out somewhere and make sure you actually have videos up to have an Audience for." I smiled smugly, passing him his keys as he walked past them absent mindedly. I turned to check I had grabbed everything and I knew he was behind me pulling some sort of face. I went to turn and catch him but the piercing sound of his infamous boop had already made me wince. Huffing as if I was the one who was unprepared he pushed past me, going to the door and strutting out to his car. I followed behind, smiling as my guy best friend once again made a fool of himself. He unlocked the car as he walked, moving around to swing mine open in my face before shuffling to his. I giggled as I slipped in my side. He buckled himself in, throwing me a smile which often left his Audience weak at the knees and we set off. It wasn't far, we easily could have walked there but, we never just went to coffee. Every trip was an adventure, go someplace new or go and try and find things and people. So we drove, even if it was only around the corner.
The lack of traffice made the journey short, and I was still day dreaming when we parked. I heard Toby call my name, but it took me a while to realise that meant he wanted me. I turned to him, apologising as we started to get out of the car. He moaned at me for not letting him open my door, always trying to be a gentleman. I simply laughed, dragging him by his hand towards the cafe's door. He went a long with it for a while, before releasing my hand and wheeling himself the rest of the way in. Even as another couple entered before me, he held the door open until I came in. It was a lot warmer in here, and I was able to take my hands out of my pockets after he had let one go. We joined the end of the short queue, as he rambled on at me while I still tried to get my head around what I wanted. I was always to indisicive, so when what coffee to order ame around, you bet I took my time. We neared the front, and I finally settled on what I wanted.
"Hannah!" I heard someone call from in the distance, my head shooting around in surprise. I spotted a hand waving frantically in the air, tip-toeing to see who it belonged to. It was Rebecca's hand, my best friend waving at me sat happily next to Naomi. They mirrored each others grins, both of their hands waving at me to come over. I turned to see Toby still humming to himself as he looked through the glass case that covered the cakes. I nodded towards him, smiling apolgetically at my friends sat together. They sighed in unison, conitnuing to wave me over.
"Go, I'll come join you later." Toby ushered, but I continued to shake my head at him. I felt terrible, I had spent so much time with him lately I had bearely spoken to my two closest friends. But when I was with Toby I had a tendancy to forget aboutevery thing else, he was just to much fun to think of anything else with. Yeah, it was purely the fun we had together that made me forget about the rest of the world when I was with him. His hands on my shoulders knocked me out of my train of thought as he shoved me gently out of the line. Blocking me before I had a chance to join him again he started talking to the woman at the counter about our order. I groaned at him, before making my way through the tables to my friends. They both greeted me with grins, thier hands wrapped tightly around what smelt like hot chocolate.
"Manage to tear yourself away from your boy friend then?" Rebecca joked, as I pulled out my chair and swatting at her. I heard Naomi giggle beside me, tunring to hit her playfully too. "No, I get it. He's not your boy friend." Rebecca said, with her hands up like I was going to shoot at her. I nodded, pulling my bag off my shoulder and placing my bag on the floor. We made small talk, mostly me apologising for not being around much. I tried to blame it on work but they both knew it was me spending far too much time with Toby. I felt Toby's hand tap me on the back as he stood behind me offering me a cup with steam flowing from the top of it. I took it from him, placing it on the table before turning around to ask why he was still standing.
"Well, I best be off!" He smiled, patting me on the head as he tried to make his escape.
"NO!" I replied, far too loud and harshly to not be noticed. I mentally kicked myself, before lowering my tone. "I mean, I can come with you if you like, or just stay here with us?" I asked, knowing as soon as he was gone now I would have to indure a few hours of teasing. He simply shook his head making up some poor excuse of not wanting to intrude on some girl time.
"See you girls. Speak to you later Hannah?" He asked, squeezing my shoulder. I couldn't hide the dissapointment on my face and simply nodding. I don't know why I felt so bad about him leaving, it can't have been that I really couldn't handle not being with him. I shook this thought of, convincing myself that it was purely guilt of making him feel like he had to leave, no matter how many times he said he was busy anyway. After an awkward silence I felt his hand lift from me, before he waved at us all as he moved through the crowd. I could feel the burning stare of the girls on me, building the courage to look up at them. Their questioning glances were obvious and I soon got defensive.
"When are you going to tell him Han?" Naomi asked, breaking the silence that had built. I just continued to stare at them both ouzzled, as I took a sip from what I discovered was a gingerbread latte Toby had brought me. They both stared at each toher in disbelief as I continued to look at them confused. Eventually Rebecca sighed, throwing down her hand in defeat.
"For crying out loud, that you are utterly in love with him!" Becca shouted, getting quite a few stares from the people around us. She apolgised briefly, as I continued to turn absurdly red. I tried to laugh it off, but all that came out was the sound of a struggling cat. Naomi sighed and rolled her eyes at me, getting a laugh from Becca.
"I don't! He's just a friend, what's a girl got to do to prove that!" I replied, the frustraion in my voice showing. But then I realised I wasn't sure who I was trying to convince, my friends of myself.