It was the first time I had ever been there.
The karaoke bar was a crowded mess, filled with smokers, drinkers, and even some people on dates. Though none of that mattered to me, at all.
I had just been sitting at home with nothing to do, then felt the strangest urge to go out. I had come to rest here. I had been meaning to do this for awhile.
I had been doing it regularly for the past two years, releasing all of my sadness through singing, but this was the first time that I was going to speak of this. I had put my name on the list earlier. I don't know why I had picked that particular song, one that I had listened to often, but I had just felt the need.
It was strange that I was getting so many urges ever since coming into my inheritance, but I thought it was just someone watching over me, pointing me in the right direction. When I thought of it like that it made me happy, so I never did try to get into the real reason why I felt those premonitions.
"Our next performer for the evening is a Miss Juliet who will sing the song 'You Don't See Me.'
It was time. I took a big, deep breath, forcing myself not to think of the state of my nerves. All I had to do was sing. The lights that shown down on me were exceptionally bright and as a consequence I couldn't see anyone of the audience.
I didn't care.
My emotions just came bursting forward as I stared into the microphone, and when the man gestured to the dj to play the music, I caught his eye and shook my head. 'Not yet.' I thought. I just needed to let my emotions out that wouldn't damage anyone. Needed to vent, to release, to tell people my story and have them understand, have anyone understand how hard it was for me to keep myself under control. For almost four minutes I didn't have to be in control. I could be me. No restrictions, no limitations. I stood there and looked into freedom. My cousin was always saying that I needed to talk to people, after all.
"Hello there. I know I'm not required to explain myself or the song I'm singing, but I came here to vent and I'm going to do it."
"Well you do it, honey! Go ahead, let it all hang out!" Someone, a man shouted out, and everyone cheered.
"Well, thank you all very much! You're very kind. Anyway," I sighed, sitting down on a stool on the middle of the stage, microphone in my hand, I had my eyes on my lap. "Four years ago, I met a boy." I started, my smile twisted as I remembered. "He wasn't the usual boy, wasn't rebelling against society, wasn't skipping classes or just generally making trouble, but he wasn't exactly normal either. He was a polite, charming, and responsible boy. A boy that loved and would die for his mother. A boy that was not a boy and yet, not a man."
My eyes twinkled as I spoke in riddles. A lot of the audience would have probably stopped listening by know. Maybe they hadn't, because I could barely see from the stage lights that were in my eyes. The precious few that didn't wouldn't translate my riddles to get what I was really saying. I really liked twisting my words around. Taking another deep breath, I continued as I wove my story, "A boy that was top of his class, charming, charismatic, and adored by the majority of his high school's female population." I said insinuatingly, suggestively raising my eyebrows. I heard a few people chuckling at my sort of joke.
"And I suppose that all of this is something everyone, generally, expects to hear. The girl falling for the only guy she couldn't get." I added, a bit bitterly, but mostly depressed. "Actually, it wasn't his popularity that drew me to him, it was his friends. I suppose that I owe everything to those three boys that introduced me not to the mask that he hid behind but to a real person. As I grew to know him I found that he was much older in his mind than his body. He was wise in many things, and I loved to talk to him, and hear his opinion on things."
I paused for a moment, thinking back, then licked my lips, "I can't remember exactly when it was, but I do remember when I realized it. I also realized at that moment that it was the stupidest thing that I ever could have done. I had fallen in love with him. I also knew that he would never return it, knew it in my head and even more painfully in my heart that he would never feel the things that I felt for him. He would never know the desire that burned within me to share his every moment of laughter, of sadness, of joy and pain. Knew that he would never smile at me like I was the only one in his heart, never be mine... And yet I still loved him." I sighed, rubbing my brow.
"Two years ago, he left knowing that he might never return. I couldn't go with him. I might love him, but I had my own responsibilities, and for awhile I hated everything that took him away, but it was unavoidable. He had to go, I had to stay. I resigned myself to the situation in time to say my final good-byes, but I still never told him that I loved him, love him."
Then I looked toward the audiences, chuckling bitterly, " 'Why is that?' some of you are probably wondering. It was because of fear. Even though I knew he would never love me back, I thought that I could still have him as a friend. I could still love him as a friend, after all it was the only love I would be able to get from him. And if I told him, I feared that things might change between us, that he would be embarassed and I would be embarassed, and then that would be the end of our friendship.
"It's been really hard... not seeing him or talking to him. And none of my friends know that I love him, so they can't help me. I try not to let that get me down. He and I had a great friendship, and it was all my fault by choosing to continue to allow my feelings of infatuation for him grow. It's my own fault that my heart is pained. It would be too much to ask that he stay with me. Much too much." A happy ending definitely would be too much to ask for.
I bit my lip, searching for the words. "Now, I can't turn back. I can't stop myself from loving him, even though he is no longer here, but I don't feel regret. My only regret is that I have to keep everything bottled up inside, most of all my sadness. This song is my chance to let out all the sadness and unrequited love that is inside me. I hope that those of you who also share unrequited love will understand what I am going through and wish me well." I ended finally, a bit lamely in my opinion, embarassed my eyes coming to rest on the ground.
A tear slid down my cheek and my throat had tightened, but I nodded to the man to start the music. The music began with the strum of a guitar and then I started to sing.
"This is the place where I sit. This is the part where I love you too much."
"Is this as hard as it gets? Cause I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough."
"I'm here if you want me. I'm yours, you can hold me."
I'm empty and achin' and tumblin and breakin',
I remembered all the times that I thought my heart would break only for it to get better and then break again. How many times would her heart be pierced, then shattered, before it finally stopped healing itself?
Cause you don't see me
and you don't need me
and you don't love me,
the way I wish you would.
The way I know you could.
God! If he could only see me now. He always said that he liked to hear me sing. I hope it was true.
No matter the words, this song is a declaration of love to you.
I dream a world where you understand
that I dream a million sleepless nights.
Well I dream of fire when you're touching my hand,
but it twists into smoke when I turn on the lights
I'm speechless and faded,
it's too complicated.
Is this how the book ends?
Nothing but good friends.
Yes, that would be how the book ends. No happy endings for me. I didn't trust happy endings anymore.
Cause you don't see me
and you don't need me
and you don't love me,
the way I wish you would.
What would it take for you to fall in love with me too? What would it take?
This is the place in my heart,
this is the place where I'm falling apart.
Isn't this just where we met?
And is this the last chance that I'll ever get?
If I wish it, can I fall out of love without breaking again?
I wish I was lonely,
instead of just only.
Crystal and seethrough
and not enough to you...
I'm so confused....
Cause you don't see me
and you don't need me
and you don't love me,
the way I wish you would.
You'll never see me, will you? Not the way I want you to. I know it. It will never happen.
Cause you don't see me
and you don't need me
and you don't love me,
the way I wish you would.
The way I know you could...
After all, he is a kitsune.
And I am but a human.
For me, a happy ending with him was only and would only be but a dream.