Longing Despair

It was slightly cold that night. The wind blew gently through the partial open window on the drives side. His Silver hair slightly glowed underneath the moonlight and street lights as we passed. The nervousness and uncertainty grew in my chest. What was I thinking? He didn't like me. He had told me earlier today, so what was I doing in the car talking to him about his hobby? The only sound I could hear was the wind and his voice. His smooth, lush voice that I heard when he began to speak while he made friendly conversations. I laughed with him, only because in my mind I knew what was going to happen. I wouldn't lie I wanted to do this so bad. It felt wrong and something inside me told me I wanted to be bad, I didn't want to be the one following the rules.

Before he picked me up we talked through text messages. He admitted that we were only friends in his eyes and asked me what if I liked him. I replied saying I did a little. That was the confusing part. I do, but I don't get it? I like him because he is older he is everything that has a red sign saying 'turn do not go any farther'. I wanted him, but not as bad as he wanted this. I won't lie I wanted this too. Desperately I did. To me it seemed like the only thing I could get. The only thing that would probably make me feel… wanted.

It started the day my boyfriend and I broke up. In my eyes it was for good. I been through so much with him and couldn't take it. When my ex pulled me to the side I knew. I wasn't sad… I was happy. For once in my life he made me truly deeply happy and gave me butterflies. In class I talked to the guy, his name is Inuyasha. Inuyasha is a flirt. He has deep gold eyes silver white hair and was a god to look at. At this time I did not like him I just wanted him. Was that wrong of me to think like a guy? To think that I just wanted to mess around with him for a little while and go on about my business. I decided to flirt with him this time. Making eye contact was first little jesters and goofy faces made it work. Then he asked me for a note. He was on the other side of the class so giving him a note was not going to work for me. I decided to give him my number. I borrowed a buddies phone put Inuyasha's number in my phone and text messaged him.

It lasted thirty minutes before lunch and lasted until late that night. I was texting my ex and sent him a message asking him what was wrong because he was acting strange. He said the normal thing he says 'nothing'. I tell him ok and that I loved him just to see what he says. I didn't get a reply. This made my "unfaithfulness" much easier. He did it so why couldn't I? Inuyasha and I talked. We made jokes and little comments acting as if we were talking to other people. I have to admit, I liked the feeling that it gave me to know that I could make someone other than my ex want me sexually. Believe me I wouldn't cheat. Cheating is beneath me even though now I'm reconsidering with how hypocritical I feel now. Anyways, it was after school and Inuyasha was still text messaging me. I told no one that I was texting a guy and just replied that it was Sango. She was one the other person I was texting. My ex avoided any contact with me which angered me. I look up the next minute and there he is with another girl flirting away and trying to hold her hand. My emotions ran high above any word. To say I was pissed off was a big, big understatement.

I walk in the hall to talk to Inuyasha. After all he did seem more interested than my own boyfriend. Everyone seems to be making me more important. That is why I was happy when we broke up. I didn't care about what he had to say how he tried to make it easier. I knew the reason I wasn't dumb and I was happy. My happiness was the key to this whole situation. I guess my happiness was mistaken for something else. I was nonetheless I nearly ran and jumped for joy after he got out of my face. I wasn't bitter. It wasn't the first time he did this but it was his last and I knew it and so did everyone that told me about the other girls… during practice I told the girl my ex liked her. She told me she knew that he told her before we started practice. Here was when I grew bitter. I tossed and image his head being clenched in between my palms. It helped my tosses but not my catches. I went home after practice and texted Inuyasha. I wanted to speak to him and tell him what had happened. As soon as I mentioned it he asked me if I was ok. I told him I was happy about it. He replied saying good and asked if I wanted to be hook up buddies or in a relationship with him. I smiled and laughed a little. I asked him if he was being serious. I couldn't be sure about him. That's when he told me he had a girlfriend, but they were fighting and he was going to break it off. I forgot what happened in the rest of that conversation, but there is a part of me that is telling me that I told him to stay with her. Why did I support relationships? Oh yeah because no one supported mine.. and that relationship was dumb.

Inuyasha and I talked until I fell asleep. I was exhausted. I enjoyed the conversation and how he made me laugh making fun of my ex but I was really sleepy. I woke up to go to school and eagerly checked my phone. I had two messages from Inuyasha and I felt bad for not texting him back. I texted him as I got ready. We talked for most of the day and he told me he wasn't at school. When it got to the class we had together misery filled me. Not just the "oh man I'm still in school" misery. The "I miss him where is he omg he needs to show up" type misery. I panicked I thought ' don't tell me I'm starting to like him'. That's how I always loose this game. My feelings take over and get in the way. We continued to text as I ignored the teacher. I took the quiz and afterwards I texted him. It made my day go by easier until they stopped. I thought, ' now I see how crack addicts feel when they run out of supplies'. I was really that miserable. My text message ringer went off when I started to get by and it was Inuyasha. It made me smile. I wasn't his girlfriend and the things he told me made me smile. I knew I was in danger of being hurt. That's one of the reason why Sango has my heart. Childish I know but you will understand soon.

My ex's are all different. Certain similarities make them the same. Each holding a piece of me that will never be put back. Each that caused the pain I foresaw much worse than it could have been. One ex was my first his and almost first everything. The next was my first boyfriend/ stalker. The next the first guy I ever made out with. The last was the first I went all the way with. I didn't want to do it that soon. It really did just happen. Here I will explain. We were kissing and all that such and shorts don't really protect anything. He wanted it and I knew but he never said anything just kept kissing, and that's when I felt it. It didn't hurt until afterwards. I didn't stop it because what was the point. I wasn't a virgin anymore. Trust me I would love to be able to wish I wasn't a virgin while I am one because I knew I was in control, but I wasn't this time. I felt bad trust me. I felt disgusting I felt like a slut and it was with my boyfriend that I "loved". I never said it like he did, but it felt like I did and we were close. To close some may say. He knew to much to soon and so did I.

That was about the same thing I said to Inuyasha when he asked how far I had gone. I hate that question. When people find out they always judge you no matter what. Especially peers. It's like they don't understand. If it randomly happens you have to adjust to, but it's your decision why make them feel bad for it. If they wanna go screw every man they see so be it is what I go by. I'm in the situation though… where people always think I'm messing around. Only one guy, and I get judge like I would do it to every guy. I wouldn't only the ones I honestly truthfully like more close to love. Well now that has changed. I am careful who I tell and how I tell them. If I had it my way. It wouldn't have happened. He would probably be still trying to get some but at least I wouldn't have this feeling of having to keep secrets. I can't judge anyone now. I went against everything I have said but it was the " I at least want to try this once" type deal. I'm an adventurer with things of the sort don't you get it? I made out with my third boyfriend because I wanted to try it. My experiment as you call it. I almost went all the way with my first boyfriend because I was infatuated with him, and 6 month is an ok amount of time to think about it. That's all I waned to do. THINK about it. Thinking and doing is two different things. Right?

Anyways, it was Wednesday we talked for a little bit in class but everything had changed. There was a shift in that class. The jokes were more of him saying that something should happen between us. What I didn't know but my curiosity took over. Curiosity did not kill the cat, curiosity killed the innocence with in a person. It did with me. That's why I felt that way bout not being a virgin. I can't change my past, but my past will alter my future… it was all bull to me. After mine and Inuyasha's brief convo about everything we stopped talking. No more text messages. When he didn't reply I had to TRY to quit cold turkey. I was becoming addicted because when I saw him I knew I was doomed. That's when the lust turned to longing. I told my buddy that I liked him and he told me he liked me. That's when my buddy told me he had a girlfriend and I told him I know. My buddy laughed and said ok and that we looked good together. That rang through my head. We didn't text any more and I hoped him and his girlfriend broke up so he could be with me. I was selfish that way, I know… the stupid mistress wanting to much is what I joked about in my head. He didn't though. Him and his girlfriend were fine. More like perfect… it hurt…like frost bitten toes and hands all at once that's how hard it hit me.

In my mind I thought, "I'm probably never going to be the girl that gets the guy she wants or the girl that breaks up the couple to be with the guy… so why did I believe that I could do this?" Yeah I'm hard on my self because everyone I dated did just that. Let someone else come in-between us. It hurts let me tell you. I got over it since I was used to it. I hated to say but when I saw them I didn't want to talk to him because I didn't want to mess up their relationship. "maybe that's why the messages stopped" I thought to my self that's when he bumped into me. "great now I'm giggling" that is probably what the back of my mind was saying, but my mouth formed the words asking about him not texting me back. He told me it was broken. OK its broken so maybe there is still hope. Why was I hoping? I had no idea but hope kept me strong.

We stopped talking as much. Little hello and hugs here and there but nothing to flirty. I hate to admit but I was kind of feeling the pain that didn't hurt so bad. Life went on and now my ex that I had my first kiss came into the picture. My blue eyed heart breaker ha-ha. I told him as much as possibly that I loved him. I made a game out of it because how he reacted made me laugh. I needed a laugh. I needed to stop. I backed off. And my term of backing off was me no longer talking to them to chill those emotions out. My question to my emotions are why must you be so apparent. Why must you always show up and make me dumb… why why why??? It wasn't long though me and my first kiss ex.. his name is Bankotsu. I like that name for him ha-ha. Well me and Bankotsu have little conversations. I flirt in front of my ex's face(the previous one) his name is Kouga. I tell Bankotsu how hot he is in front of Kouga. Then I make it my mission to tell Bankotsu that I love him in front of Kouga. That game I never lose. Kouga knows that Bankotsu and I have history. Which is why I always win. Because when you hurt me to the point where I'm angry… well you piss me off I could make you feel how I felt with out being with you.

Bankotsu didn't know though. I guess he didn't mind because he never liked Kouga at all. Which made me smile. The feeling were returning but I figured out how to control them. If I just talked to him through it… I could keep them from making me all clingy. It worked. I used it on both Inuyasha and Bankostu. I was happy once again. Until now. Christmas break Kouga has made it a mission to try to talk to me. I don't want to talk to him. Yes he is my friend… loosely saying, but I don't want him to ask me what I'm doing and who I'm with. Why do you care now is mostly what I'm thinking. I hated the personality he covered up. I didn't like him anymore. He was a stuck up jerk that needed to grow up. That's what I thought constantly. With Inuyasha on the back burner I focused on school mainly. I looked at Inuyasha sometimes.. but he was to busy talking to other girls. I tried not to be jealous but I was, so I ignored the feeling slouched down in my seat and passed notes to my buddies in that class.

Towards the last day of first semester I had a project. I got dressed up in a dress that I honestly must say I looked great in with heels that also I looked great it. I walked with Bankotsu to class flirting like crazy. I walked over to him and he told me he hated that I was taller than him. Something he didn't like when we dated even though he would tell me when he thought I looked pretty. He told me how it wasn't right how I called him my lover and he looked bummy and I looked pretty. I made the comment that it always happened when we dated and we both laughed. After we got to our class we went on about our day. I found it strange when I felt Inuyasha brush past me then kick the back of my shoe . It wasn't the firs time he made crazy conversation like that, but he did. I laughed like normal and bragged about my team winning. Even though we lost in the end… yeah that was a big fail. One of my ex's named Hojo asked me why me and Bankotsu weren't dating. I told him I didn't know. I honestly didn't and my crush was only between me and Bankotsu and not returned by Bankotsu. Or so I think. It bugged me up until the last day. I saw him at the avenues but then I realized… I'm never gonna be the girl that get's the guys to flirt with them and wants them to hang out with him… and I mean honestly hang out. Depression tried to strike but I pushed it away and just made due with everything else. Life has been like that. I was getting used to it. I hope it will change though. Very soon, and to let you know I'm not bad looking but I'm not beauty pageant looking either.

Christmas break came around. I saw Inuyasha and sent him little messages I knew I would never get an answer to. If his phone worked or not I didn't want to get into it. The day after Christmas my phone went off at around 10. I looked and discovered it was Inuyasha. Wow I thought but I was happy and excited. We talked for a long time… but that's when I knew all he wanted was something sexual. Because that's all he was asking for. I just laughed at him though, but those stupid emotions got in the way again. He got high and texted me still and I ended up falling asleep. I woke up and checked my phone and realized I had a text message from Inuyasha. I laughed at the message and answer it. He had asked me if I wanted him. Truth was I did. Why lie about it? I'm not a slut trust me… but I liked him more than I should. Yesterday I asked about his girlfriend… they are great. Yay and boo for me… yay I supported him like a friend that I wanted to be then but boo for my chances of wanting to date him.

We set the date. Today… I was becoming a partial whore, from what it felt. He wanted to see me and I wanted to see him. He wanted sex I wanted a kiss. Case closed I would get a kiss and hopefully be pleased sexually. I mean I'm almost out of high School and I still haven't made my decision to loose my right to say yes or no and I still haven't. That night he picked me up. The car was a turn off it made me giggle but I enjoyed the thought that he picked me up. I got in the car and we talked. I was nervous and scared. Scared of being caught in a lie and nervous because I wasn't sure if he would be happy with what was going to happen I didn't know if I was. I talked to him though glancing over at him when he looked at him laughing when I was suppose to. My emotions were under control. I kind of liked him. Now you understand right? The fact that I like him cause I can't have him. Well we hung out for a while we made out which is the main part stuck in my head. The song if I were a boy played. Ironic I though while we were kissing. My hands in his hair… his soft Silver hair. I just realized that he is the first guy that I ever made out with and my eyes stay closed the entire time.

He wasn't a bad kisser and I wasn't aggressive like I was told that I was. We kissed softly but nothing was there, but I still kind of liked him. After we made out we left. He had family over he explained and had to go. I was at peace. I enjoyed the kissing it's something I wanted to be good. We talked more and laughed . Soon we were at my house and we hugged and parted ways. He texted me for a brief moment and then the text stop. Now I'm quitting cold turkey . That's what I'm thinking. Now I'm wishing that I didn't take it as far as I did… because that night I did have sex with him. I allowed him to cheat on his girlfriend. Only because I wanted him to realize that he wanted me as his girlfriend. I'm ashamed at what I allowed happen. But he asked me. And I let the emotion of my infatuation take over. I don't love him I know that. But I just wanted to feel like what the others felt like. I hate it. I don't want to do it again because now every time my phone goes off. I Hope its him. But it isn't.

So what should I do now that I made my self do my first ever that make me regret it. I wish I could do something over but in the fact. I knew what I got myself into with this one so it doesn't hurt so bad. It's just the longing emotion pulling me to want him to say hey or something. I' m not suppose to tell. That's why my voice is silenced and the messages are deleted… now I'm back to the friend and the girl that doesn't want to be judged by those she cares about, but she knows she will anyways…What should I do if he comes back wanting more…? He knew I didn't want to go all the way that's why he asked, but we were already partially there and I made little lies to him twice.. I wasn't a virgin then and if you want to say how long have we talked I can tell you a month. If you were to ask me if I would do it again if he came I would tell you no. Because now I'm preparing my self for the misery I feel when I hear that my boyfriend has cheated on me with some girl he only talked to for a month. This is why I hate the Longing Dispair…

End