I Won't Say (I'm in love)
The first time you see her it's a dreary Thursday afternoon. The shop's been slightly busier than normal, you think it has something to do with it being finals week because no one in their right mind would want to come out in this weather for a cup of coffee. Then again, when are people ever in their right mind? Your ex girlfriend, Dani, definitely wasn't when she broke up with you a couple months ago.
If there's a prize for rotten judgment,
I guess, I've already won that.
No, you didn't act like your whole entire world collapsed. Those aren't bags under your eyes from lack of sleep and it doesn't sting every time you blink because you cry about it every once in awhile. You're not completely heartbroken that she left you for another girl, who isn't even all that cute to be honest. It wasn't like you were in love with her or anything. I wasn't like you planned your future together. It wasn't like it blindsided you when you walked in on them in the bed you shared and then she proceeded to break up with you.
Yeah, you're not mad at all.
But the first time you see her, her because you've yet to find out her name, you shiver. You blame it on the amount of cold she let in at pulling the door open so wide, but deep down you know that's not it. You feel like a beat up jalopy whose engine hasn't been revved, or even started, in ages but one look at her and you find yourself roaring to life.
Yeah, that's not good at all.
No man is worth the aggravation.
That's ancient history, been there, done that.
She walked in with her blonde hair windblown and her freckled cheeks rosy from the cold. She clutched at the strap of her backpack over her shoulder and scanned for a place to sit. You were only staring because usually people walk straight to you to place their order, but she focused on sitting down first. She ended up picking a table at the furthest corner from you before emptying out her bag and setting up her laptop.
When icy blue eyes peek up at you from over the top of her laptop, cutting right through to your soul, you look away. You know what happens when you stare back and there's no chance in hell you're doing that again, like ever.
You're pretty sure you're just going to spend the rest of your life having meaningless sex with hot strangers and all those feelings you got so in tuned with expressing are going to stay locked up in a box and hidden away.
But she keeps glancing at you and you can't help but glance back. You wonder about serendipity and love at first sight and all that crap but then you scoff because you're a fucking barista in a hole in the wall coffee shop, how cliché can you get?
Who do you think you're kiddin'?
He's the earth and heaven to you.
Try to keep it hidden Honey,
We can see right through you.
The first time she actually orders a drink, you're on break. When you come back your coworker, Quinn, tells you she's a really cool person and gives you that look that says, "You should talk to her." She's kind of been all over you when it comes to getting back out in the dating world; she doesn't really condone your whole no strings attached mentality.
"I've seen you stare at her like she's the only person in the room," She tells you with a smirk painted across her dainty lips, "Your eyes go straight to her every time she walks in. Don't try and tell me you're not just a tiny bit interested in her."
You feel caught and wonder how you could be so goddamn obvious about your leering and then you wonder if Blondie has noticed to. Your heart pounds at the prospect of it but then you mentally slap yourself because so what? Nothing will ever happen between the two of you, you won't let it.
When you look up at the girl occupying most of your thoughts, you find that she's staring right back. She grins this small, alluring grin and your eyes are completely glued to her lips before it disappears behind a coffee cup but even then you know she's still smiling at you, you can see it in her eyes.
You look away and catch your breath before you pick up a wash rag and start wiping down the counters; you're not going to feed into Quinn's matchmaking games.
Girl, you can't conceal it
We know how you feel and
Who you're thinking of
It's the first Thursday afternoon that goes by without Blondie gracing you with her presence. You can't really keep track of her schedule; she never comes in at the same time on the same day except for Thursday. On Thursday, she's here by two and she leaves by three-thirty. Not that you stalk her or anything, it's just an observation. The café can get pretty boring sometimes so you've picked up on people watching because what else can you do?
As of late, the people in people watching has narrowed down to just Blondie watching. You won't tell Quinn that though, she'd have a field day with that tidbit of information. You don't find anything special about Blondie watching, she's interesting and you're curious about her. You've seen her nibble on the tip of her pen when she's in deep concentration and you wonder what she's looking at. You notice the way she pouts and squints her eyes at her laptop screen and wonder if she's supposed to be wearing glasses like you're supposed to be wearing yours. You know she gets easily distracted by the smallest things and you wonder why she chose to sit next to the window knowing she'll be glancing outside every two minutes. You know she crosses her legs when she's typing and you know she's really on a roll when her knee starts bouncing.
So when you notice that it's already five and you still haven't seen her come in, you're kind of sad. Not because you've got a crush on her or something. It's not like Thursdays are your favorite day of the week either, it's not like you look forward to it. It's just, it's boring for you because no one else is as interesting to watch as her. You guess your sadness shows because you find Quinn bumping her shoulder with yours a few minutes later telling you that Blondie probably had a late class.
No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no
You swoon, you sigh
Why deny it? Uh, oh
It's too cliche
I won't say I'm in love
The first time she speaks to you, you're pretty sure you're dreaming. You had been having a really crappy day but it kind of turned around when she walked in. For a second you think the room seems a little brighter and you don't feel so grumpy but then you lift the cardboard box off the counter and the whole bottom gives out and now there are shards of broken coffee mugs all over the floor.
"Fucking hell, seriously?" You gripe as you toss the stupid box back on the counter. There were only five mugs that broke, but they landed on your feet and now that shit hurts like hell. You mask your pain with anger as you kneel and start picking up the bigger pieces when you notice another set of hands helping. From the sight of pale skin, you look up expecting Quinn but you guessed wrong.
Short nails and long fingers should've been your first hint.
You're shocked for a moment because you're so close to Blondie and it's a little overwhelming to take in all at once. She smells like sugar cookies and you fucking love sugar cookies. Her eye lashes are long and they flutter up at you as she holds out her hands with pieces of broken mugs in them.
"Oh, thanks." You mumble and ignore the way your fingertips tingle at the touch of her skin as you take the shards from her.
"You're welcome." She smiles and you literally swoon. She's still kneeling in front of you as she looks around and frowns, "I'm surprised no one else offered to help you."
"Yeah, no one ever wants to clean up someone else's mess." You sneer at the double meaning, but she seems to miss it.
"I don't mind lending a hand," She shrugs innocently. She helps you to your feet though and you thank her again for some reason.
"You said that already." She chuckles and you think you've just found your new favorite sound in the world. She's about to turn away and head back to her table before you're blurting out your name.
"I-I mean, my name is Santana." You say a bit more calmly.
She spins on you and smiles. "I know," She says and pokes at your name badge just above your breast. You look down and blush, you're so damn smooth.
"Brittany," She replies and with a fleeting wink, she heads back to her table. You feel a tug somewhere deep in your chest and you swallow hard.
I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming, get a grip, girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out, oh
The first time you dream about her, you wake up sweating. The details aren't important, but let's just say she wasn't wearing much and neither were you. You're desperately in need of some lady loving, you haven't been up to the no strings attached thing for a few weeks now and that's starting t o take a toll on you.
You can't get her out of your head and that's a fact. You roll over and stare at the clock only to find that you've still got seven more hours to go until you have to go into work, seven more hours to wait until you get to see Brittany. Seven long, sexually frustrating hours.
You realize what you've just thought and reach for your pillow and smash it on your face. You rather suffocate than to have feelings for anyone ever again!
You end up falling asleep to thoughts of Brittany and then you end up dreaming of her again.
You keep on denying
Who you are and how you're feeling
Baby, we're not buying
Hon, we saw you hit the ceiling
The first time you see Brittany walk in with someone, you frown. She's laughing and smiling and having the best of times with some tall, lanky Asian guy. You don't like how close he is to her or how she keeps her hand tucked in the crook of his arm as they walk in. You don't like how he pulls her chair out for her and you don't like the look in her eyes when she stares at him.
"Santana, so help me if you let Snixx loose on one of the customers again.." Quinn warns as she slides up next to me, "I'll fire you myself."
"You can't fire anyone," You grumble, tearing your eyes away from the scene, "You're not even a manager."
Face it like a grown up
When you gonna own up
That you got, got, got it bad
The second time Brittany and skinny Asian walk in together, you throw your towel into the sink and call for Quinn because you need a smoke break.
"Jesus, hold on! I just freaking got here, can I put my stuff up first?"
"No, I need you to cover for me because-"
There's no time, Brittany's standing at the counter waiting for you to take her order.
"Hi Santana!" She greets happily like always then proceeds to look up at the menu like she's not going to order the same thing she always does. You bite your cheek to keep from punching the guy next to her in the face because he looks so damn smug that he's with her and it's like he's trying to rub it in your face. You had an opportunity and you missed it.
"I don't know why you're looking still," You mumble and Brittany's eyes fall to yours, "You're going to end up getting the same thing."
"You know my order?" She asks, her voice small.
"Of course I do." You scoff, "I probably know more about you than this guy. You're going to order a hot chocolate just like you always do." You can't keep the grumpiness from your voice but she doesn't seem bothered by it, just confused so you continue, "You're going to ask me if I can put extra whipped cream and you'll want peppermint sprinkles on top and I'm supposed to charge you extra for all that but I never do. You're going to get a M&M cookie too and you'll pick off all the M&M's first which I don't understand because you could just get a regular chocolate chip cookie or something. You'll bring back your empty plate to me instead of leaving it by the trash like everyone else and you'll tell me to have a good day like I'm supposed to tell you."
She just stares at you, skinny Asian too, but when Quinn greets Brittany, you sigh and run off to the back.
No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no
Give up, give in
Check the grin you're in love
This scene won't play
I won't say I'm in love
The next time she comes in, she's alone. She's got her hair hidden beneath a maroon beanie and she's trying to carry her drink, her laptop, and her bag, while she's got half a cookie pinched between her teeth. You notice she's struggling to carry it all and you know it's only a matter of time before something is bound to drop. You just hope it isn't her laptop; that would suck. You'd offer her a hand, but you're a little embarrassed about what happened last time.
You watch as she manages to reach her usual table without dropping anything and she smiles like she's relieved she actually did that. Then she looks at you and her smile morphs into a something else and her eyes soften. You try to look away but you can't and when she beckons you over with the curl of her finger, you've moving in a heartbeat.
"Hi." She breathes out around a smile and she actually looks nervous which you don't understand. It's not like she was the one that made a complete fool out of herself last time.
"Hey."
She dampens her lips with her tongue before speaking and your throat goes dry, "So I know that we don't really know each other, but I've got this dance recital thing on Friday and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go?"
You freeze for a second: Did she just?
"Here's a flyer," She adds and hands you a neon pink paper, "You can bring your friend if you want." She nods over to Quinn at the counter smiling like a damn serial killer and you feel your cheeks pink.
"Sounds like fun," You say finally and she beams at that.
"Yeah, my friend Mike and I worked really hard on the choreography. I'm pretty proud of it."
"Is Mike the guy you were in here with the other day?" You say softly and she smirks.
"Mhmm," She hums and picks at her cookie, "His girlfriend is my best friend and she's been out of town for a week so she wanted me to make sure he wasn't keeping himself holed up in their apartment while she's gone."
"Oh..I thought-" You blurt and you feel your whole body flush. What you thought was going one wasn't what was actually going on and you feel like a complete idiot all over again.
Brittany smiles like she can read your mind though, "It's okay, that happens a lot but he's not exactly my cup of tea..or cup of coffee in this case." She points at the paper in your hands, "Don't lose that, my number's on the back."
You nod and with a dopy smile on your face you drag your feet right back to Quinn, preparing yourself for the inevitable teasing.
You're doin' flips read our lips
You're in love
"What do you even fucking wear to a dance recital?" You scream out of your room, hoping Quinn will offer some help, "What are you wearing?"
"Calm down!" She says through the door, "I'm wearing-"
"A frilly sundress.." you finish, "I don't have that! Is that what you're supposed to wear? I don't have any, oh my God! I'm going to stick out like a sore thumb and she's never seen me in anything other than my work clothes I need to impress-"
"Open this door so I can slap some sense into you!"
You're way off base
I won't say it no
Get off my case
I won't say it
Brittany dances like an angel. You're in awe that she posses all that talent and if you didn't go you never would've known. She's graceful and beautiful and you're not even bothered all that much that Mike's hands were on her waist a few times because she's stunning and he has a girlfriend.
"I hope you're asking her out after this.." Quinn whispers to you as Brittany and Mike take their bows.
You know you should say yeah right. You know you're supposed to push feelings or the beginning of feelings away yet here you are, shaking with anticipation. You know what happened to you before and you vowed that would never happen again, you wouldn't let it.
But you want it, you want her, so bad but you're pride is a bitch and you're scared of all the possibilities.
Girl, don't be proud
It's okay, you're in love
When you see Brittany afterwards, she's smiling so brightly it almost lights up the dark theater. She's still buzzing with the excitement of performing and you can tell because she can't stop bouncing; it's cute.
"What'd you think?" She asked breathlessly and there's so much hope in her eyes that you almost tell her the truth. Well, the complete truth.
"It was awesome," You say, "I've never seen anything like that."
"Thanks," Brittany beams and you can see Quinn glaring at you, waiting for a certain sentence to come out of your mouth but you freeze. You want to, you've just programmed yourself for so long to say you don't want to. You want to do the whole pick her up and take her to dinner thing but that still sounds scary to you and you think Brittany deserves someone brave. You feel your heart and your head battling it out and Quinn's glares aren't helping either.
You end up settling on something you're familiar with and it surprises you when you ask Brittany if you can take her out for a cup of coffee. After all, you know for a fact she's into cups of coffee not cups of tea and you totally consider yourself coffee so that means she's got to be into you.
She smiles and nods excitedly before rushing off to get changed. Quinn looks at you slightly pleased and you just roll your eyes, trying to fight off the blush, at her and the almost forgotten feel of your imaginary engine revving.
At least out loud
I won't say I'm in love