Homestar Runner Meets Harry Potter –
Featuring Homsar and Voldemort, Ron Weasley and Strong Sad, and a little bit of Harry himself
JENGA SHIP
One sunny afternoon in Europe, Voldemort, Homsar, Strong Sad, and Ron Weasley met up to play their yearly game of Battleship. Before you say "That's Ridiculous!" consider for a moment the fact that even evil guys have to unwind once in awhile, and why not do so with a game about war? But I digress…
"Daaahhhhhh, you shenk my Jengaship," said Homsar.
"Homsar, for the last bloody time, we are playing Battleship!" snapped He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Sunk.
"Um, Mister Dark Lord, why did you bring the little redhead?" asked Strong Sad.
"Well," Voldemort began, his creepy red eyes misting a little, "My number one follower, Bellatrix Lestrange, is talented in many areas. But let's face facts. She can't play Battleship. She has lost us the game six years in a row. But when I heard that this boy's Muggle-born friends taught him to play, and he's apparently good, I thought, Voldy old boy, it's time to make a change. If he's good, I'll bring him back next year. If we lose, I'll Avada Kadavra his Weasley behind faster than you can say… um… Avada Kedavra."
"I'm sorry I asked," replied Strong Sad sadly.
"The gra-aa-sss is gree-ee-nerr on the other si-ide Je-erry," Homsar contributed.
Ron Weasley raised an eyebrow at the odd looking little creature, but he was too afraid to say anything. So much for that Gryffindor courage!
"Let's just play this game, for Merlin's sake!" snapped Voldemort, his red eyed flashing. If he had nostrils they would be probably flared, Ron mentally noted.
The teams set up their sides, strategically placing their ships.
Strong Sad said cheerlessly, "A6." It was a miss.
Then it was Ron's turn. "E7." Direct hit!
"That's my boy!" Voldemort exclaimed, clapping the redhead on the shoulder. Ron tried not to shudder.
Next it was Homsar's turn. "Circle-peanuts."
"Circ… circle… what? Homsar! We have been over this and over this. A letter, then a number," said Voldemort. He was losing his patience. He had preferred the way he used to play, against Strong Sad and Cheerleader, but Bellatrix had killed the 'I look sooo good' Teen Girl so many times she eventually refused to come back, leaving Homsar as Strong Sad's only willing partner.
"I guess it's your turn," Strong Sad replied miserably, looking glumly at his side of the board.
"B4" The Darkest of Dark Lords said. A miss! "Crucio!" he cried, aiming his wand at Ron.
"Ouch!" cried Ron when the curse was lifted. "What gives? I'm on YOUR team!" he snapped, forgetting just who he was dealing with.
"I know," admitted You-Know Who. "But we have rules against hurting the other team, ever since Cheerleader got Sectumsepra'd by Bellatrix. That was a mess of cartoonish proportions."
Homsar changed the subject, asking "Howww man-nny numberrrrs are in the alpha-alpha-bet?" Rather than answer him, Strong Sad shook his head despondently.
The game continued.
Twenty minutes later, Voldemort and Ron were winning by two hits. They only had to sink one more Battleship. It was Homsar's turn.
"C5" Homsar said. He finally got one right! And it was a hit!
Furious, Voldemort transfigured Ron into a mouse, but before the little furry white rodent could run away, he was changed back.
"How is that possible?" Voldemort was muttering. "You got a hit. How is that even possible?"
Then it was Voldemort's turn. The wizard formerly known as Tom Riddle knew he had one shot to get it done. Well, actually two shots because they had to hit it twice more, but the final turn would be Ron's.
"D9," he said. A hit! Ron breathed a sigh of relief.
"Good job, Your Darkness, Sir," said Strong Sad heartrendingly. His congratulations clearly were not genuine.
Strong Sad took his next turn. A miss! He shook his head gloomily, feeling both distressed and depressed.
Finally, it all came down to one wizard: Ronald Billius Weasley.
"D8" said Ron confidently. And it was a HIT!
They'd won! They'd won! Voldemort couldn't be more pleased if he were a pink and purple butterfly instead of a sadistic sociopath. Grinning creepily, he began cleaning up the game.
"Same time next year?" he asked.
"Yes," said Strong Sad poignantly. "Of course."
With that, Voldemort laughed and disapparated, leaving Ron staring at Homsar and Strong Sad. With a shrug, Ron bid them farewell and disapparated to Hogsmeade. From there he walked back to Hogwarts.
Once safely back in the Gryffindor Common Room, Harry was eager to find out where his friend had been.
"You were missing all afternoon, Mate," said Harry. "Where were you?"
Ron shook his head. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
IT'S OVER!
AN Please leave me a review if you liked it enough to read all the way to the end, which you must have, if you're reading this. Right? Yay! Thanks!