Disclaimer: I love the X-Wing series of Star Wars…and NO, I don't own anything of Star Wars, so don't try anything funny…and I WILL spell Rogue Squadron right this time. Rogue Squadron…RoGUE squadron…yes…I will SPELL it right this time.
Gavin's thoughts after Asyr Sei'lar is reported dead, and Ysanne Isard is eliminated. Takes place after book eight, Isard's Revenge.
"Why…" Gavin thought to himself. It felt like someone's hand was clenched around his heart in a tight fist. Nothing anyone ever said could have prepared him for what he was experiencing. He never had much experience dealing with the lost of a loved one…its one thing he was glad of, but wished he had now. The last person he knew that died was Lujayne Forge. That wasn't exactly easy for him either. The nagging question that ate at him was always, "Could I have prevented their death?" It was a question that ate at his heart everyday. Now, he had Asyr's death to look at as well. He rubbed his eyes and covered his eyes with his hands. He sat there by himself for some painful minutes reflecting on what happened. He kept on asking himself if he could have saved Asyr. He gave a rueful grin to himself when he realized that Asyr probably wouldn't like knowing that he was like this after her death. She wouldn't want him to be like this. He recognized a familiar sigh from a familiar lifeform as it plodded down on the bench next to him in his quarters.
"Gavin…Asyr would hate to see you like this," he said. The familiarity in his voice eased Gavin's mood…to some extent. The former CorSec officer probably had a lot to say about the recent events.
"I know Corran…" he replied, "so what are you going to try to do? Be the pep party?" he managed a small grin.
"Nope, that's Janson's job. He's the optimistic one in our squadron. I'm just here to offer a piece of my ego. Will you take it?" he asked. He twiddled his thumbs and leaned back against the wall.
"Sure…I'll take a piece of that anytime," Gavin replied. Corran took in a deep breath of air and proceeded to tell Gavin his thoughts on death and how it is.
"Well…I'm not going to give you any lengthy wind about how you should try to pick yourself up after the death of a loved one because…well…I know how it must be. And anyone who tells you that you shouldn't be thinking about a loved one's death hasn't experienced it for themselves. Truth is, it's okay to think about their death…just not all the time. It's not good. I felt the same way about my father's death. I thought about it and blamed myself for days…and even now I wonder if I could have stopped it. But he died doing what he did, he was an officer in CorSec and was proud in what he accomplished. I still miss him, and I still feel his lost even today, we don't want to forget them. We shouldn't forget them, but there is a time when you have to relinquish the hold on the past and concentrate on the future. It's important for us Rogues not to let our emotions get ahead of us, which will get us killed in war. As for a now Gavin…" Corran took a deep breath and pulled at invisible lint on his flight jacket. "I think you should think about Asyr. She was a great person you know…one of the best squadron friends you could ask for. I know that Bothan and Human relationships are deeply looked down upon in her society, which made her even more miraculous as a person. She's more than anyone could have asked for, yet it was sad her legacy had to end so soon. I'm not quite sure what to say to you Gavin…but if you want to come and talk, I'll be there whenever you need it." The former CorSec officer got up and stretched just as Whistler came wheeling down the hall. Following him were a bunch of other droids including Wedge's R5 unit, Gate. "Well…it looks like Whistler has got himself a parade. I'd better go and see what's up. Come talk to me some time Gavin," he said. He got up and started calling after Whistler. Gavin sighed. He leaned back and rested his head against the wall. He banged it once, and almost on command, the door to his quarters slid open revealing an unusual sight. It was a somber faced Lieutenant Wes Janson. Usually somber and Janson weren't ever in the same sentence.
"Janson…" Gavin said.
"I know, baby faced lieutenant walks in, you're expecting a pep talk aren't you?" he inquired, "well come on, tell me. You are, aren't you?" Gavin nodded. "Well…I hate to disappoint you…but I'm not. I'm just here to see how you are as a friend. I saw Corran on the way in and I assume he gave you a piece of his ego just minutes ago huh?"
"A whole chunk of it," Gavin replied.
"I see. Well then, I won't bother with giving you a long talk on it. I just want you to know that there's not one person in this squadron that thinks Asyr was a failure. She was a hero, and still is in our eyes. We were all close to her, but I don't think any of us got as close to her as you did Gavin. None of us…you had an inseparable bond between you, which I respect. I want you to know that we're all open to conversation, and that we're all here for you. If you really want to talk to someone who suffered a loss of a close friend within squadron ranks, I would talk to Nrin. He lost a dear friend, Ibitsam, and he was lost for awhile too. But he's recovered, and so can you. It's a rough road, but we as a squadron aren't here just to serve as wingmen for each other, we serve another purpose as well," Janson continued, "I suppose I'll cut it here and leave you to your thinking." He was still wiping the sweat off his brow, and he had the orange flight suit on. It looked like he had just popped out of a simulator. He heaved his body out the door. It looked like it took much effort. Almost right after Janson left, Gavin let out a humongous sigh. It was nice to know that so many of his squadron mates were looking after him…but sometimes he felt like he needed to be alone sometime. They had planned to adopt children of their own, a way to get around the sterility. Now, that dream seemed lost in the rolling tide of war. Maybe, after this was all done, he would adopt a child of his own. Maybe…that day wasn't too far off. He rubbed his red brimmed eyes. He remembered what Janson had said to him earlier: "It's okay to cry, sometimes crying is the best thing we can do. But if we do it for too long, our faces get stuck like that." He chuckled lightly at the latter part. He knew what he had to do, but it was so hard to let Asyr go. It almost seemed impossible to do so. He wiped a tear rolling down his cheek and thought to himself, "Even the greatest heroes have to go someday…they can't be with us forever. It will be worse when all of us start to be with the Force in the galaxy…won't it…" He put a hand to his tear brimmed eyes and wiped at them. "Asyr…" he thought, "I love you, and I still will. It won't ever change…" he continued. With that last thought he heaved himself off the bench and laid back onto his cot. It was getting late at night. He thought about the other pilots drinking and playing sabacc and gave a small grin. He rolled over and almost crushed a small data card lying in his bunk. He read it and found that it was one from Asyr to him. He didn't quite know what to do with it. He slipped himself out of the cot and over to his datapad sitting on the table in the center of the room. He slipped it in and watched as a holo appeared infront of him. It was Asyr, probably left on the bed carelessly before some mission. It looked like it was an older holo, of her with her family. She looked so beautiful to Gavin, so happy. A whole set of new tears poured down his face. How could he face the truth that she was gone? He shut the datapad and climbed into his cot again. He pulled the blanket close to his chin and wiped a trail of tears off his face with it. Death was so painful…it was something he was learning to deal with. It was something he would have to learn to deal with in a squadron where pilots were constantly being replaced. He wondered how Wedge could bear this sort of thing, knowing his pain was far worse than his. He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.