This is an idea I've been toying with for a while, and now I finally wrote it down! The Titans find out that there are cartoons about them, and that there's -gasp- slash being written. They have to stop it!
I don't own the Teen Titans, and I apologize if someone out there is named the Lord of Crackers. I did an author search before I used the name, and no one popped up. If there is a Lord of Crackers and you are offended by the way I portray the character, I will of course change it.
Enjoy!
Beast Boy sat at his computer, his eyes whizzing across the screen about a mile a minute. His mouth was open slightly, and one of his eyebrows was raised.
"Okay, dude, why would Aqualad and I want to…" Beast Boy trailed away as his eyes widened and he let out a loud noise of disgust.
"I don't even know what that means and it sounds nasty," Beast Boy leaned away from the computer and rubbed his eyes.
"What's wrong, Beast Boy?" Robin had just walked into Beast Boy's room. One of his eyebrows was obviously raised underneath his mask; one side was larger than the other.
"Robin!" Beast Boy walked over to him, grabbed his arm, and pushed him into the chair in front of the computer. "What's that mean?" Beast Boy pointed to a sentence of the story he was reading online.
Robin peered at it through his mask for a split second before gagging. He collapsed onto the floor, scraping his gloved fingers against his mask.
"Beast Boy!" He gasped. "What on earth are you reading?"
"I don't even know!" Beast Boy answered, looking at the Boy Wonder, who was now curled up in a fetal position, with confusion. "I just found out that there were stories about us online!"
Robin's mask widened, and he began rocking himself back and forth.
"Find a happy place," Robin murmured in a squeaky voice. "Find a happy place. Find a happy place. Darn you Beast Boy, now I have to find my happy place!"
"But why?" Beast Boy asked, a look of innocent confusion on his face.
"I think it's better if you didn't know why," Robin said, taking a deep breath and standing up. He placed a hand on Beast Boy's shoulder and said in a forced calm voice, "Some things in the world are meant to be mysteries."
Beast Boy pouted and his ears drooped. He really wanted to know why their leader had been reduced to rocking himself on the floor just because he had read something. He blinked his eyes slowly, and turned into a puppy.
"Fine, I'll tell you," Robin sighed. He pointed to a sentence on the computer screen.
"When they say Aqualad was…"
Outside the room, Starfire began singing a Tamaranian folk song.
"…they don't mean he was playing with legos. It means that he was…"
Raven came out of her room and found Starfire singing. She clapped her hand over the alien's mouth, saying, "Please don't sing, Starfire. I can't concentrate."
"Oh my freaking gosh!" Beast Boy was now rolling around on the floor, changing into every animal known to man. "That is so wrong!"
"Told you you didn't want to know," Robin said, now scrolling up the site page. "What site are you on anyway?"
"Fanfiction dot net," Beast Boy said between transformations. "I didn't know I was gonna read something like that though! I thought it would be funny!"
"Robin, what's wrong with him?"
Both Robin and Beast Boy flinched as they heard Raven's voice from the doorway. Of all the Titans to walk into a room when the two of them had…questionable material…on the computer in front of them, Raven was the worst.
"Nothing," Beast Boy said squeakily as he stopped transforming and stood up, trying to look innocent. "Just practicing my transformations." He smiled and laughed nervously, backing up in an attempt to press the 'off' button on the computer.
Raven thrust out her arm, and both Beast Boy and Robin were stopped from getting any closer to the computer by a wall of black energy.
"All right, what's really going on?" Raven asked, using her black wall to push both boys away from the computer.
Beast Boy's dark green complexion paled into a sickly lime color, while Robin's cheeks flushed magenta as Raven walked through her wall as if it wasn't there and walked to the computer.
"Ugh, what is wrong with the two of you?" Raven said hastily after not even five seconds. She turned to where Beast Boy and Robin had been standing to find both of the Titans gone.
"They are so perverted," Raven said, turning the computer off. She shuddered, then walked pointedly out of the room, saying, "I need to meditate. Maybe Happy can push this out of my mind."
Only seconds later, Beast Boy and Robin walked back into the room.
"So, why were you on that site?" Robin asked as Beast Boy as the two boys plopped down onto the floor (after Beast Boy hastily swept a pile of dirty clothes under his bed).
"I just heard there were stories about us online," Beast Boy said innocently. "I didn't know that our fans were that sick minded!" He paused for a moment, then hastily began talking again. "I mean, most of the stories on that site are romance stories!" He tucked his knees under his chin and hugged himself.
"Romance?" Robin asked, his mask widening. "Dare I ask who – or what – they're hooking us up with?"
"Everyone seems to puts me with Raven," Beast Boy said, putting his hands over his head and closing his eyes. "And you and Starfire are the next most popular." Beast Boy opened his eyes just in time to see Robin turn red.
"Great," Robin said, putting his head in his hands.
"Hey, guys!" Cyborg stepped into the room. "Wanna get a pizza?" He stopped and looked at his two teammates. "Wait, why do you guys look like the world's gonna end tomorrow? Did I miss something?"
"Beast Boy decided to read fanfictions about us," Robin said slowly. "Let's just say it backfired."
"What?" Cyborg sat down heavily beside Robin and looked at Beast Boy. "Explain, BB."
"Well, I decided to see if anyone had written any new fanfictions for one of my favorite cartoons," Beast Boy said. "But there weren't any, so I just looked at the big list of cartoons. And dude, there were like a million about us!"
"Why are we under 'cartoon'?" Robin asked. "You didn't tell me that."
"Beats me," Beast Boy shrugged. "Anyway, I started looking at some of them. Some were pretty funny. Like, there was this one where the entire city got turned into a giant blob of tofu. You–" He pointed to Cyborg, "–went crazy and almost jumped off the tower!" He elapsed into a fit of giggles. "Then I read one where Robin and Starfire got banished from Jump City. The two of you got married and had ten kids!"
"Giant blob of tofu?" Cyborg asked, his eyes wide.
"Ten kids?" Robin said, falling backward onto the dirty carpet.
"Dude, it was hilarious!" Beast Boy said. "But then I decided to read something that was supposed to be funny. But it wasn't! It had all of us getting married and then divorcing each other and then somehow me and Aqualad–"
"You're not still talking about that dirty fanfiction, are you Beast Boy?" Raven stepped into his room, her nose wrinkled against the smell of moldy tofu.
"Uh… no?" Beast Boy said innocently, smiling and rocking back and forth.
"Then why does Robin look like he's losing it?" Raven asked, pointing to the Boy Wonder.
"Ten kids?" Robin repeated in a shocked whisper, still lying on his back, his hands over his eyes. He sat up, removing his hands from his eyes. "That means that we… we… we made it to home base!" He collapsed onto the floor again.
"Dude, it was just a story!" Beast Boy said, crawling over to him and shaking his head. "It never happened, and never will happen." He raised an eyebrow and gave Robin a sly grin. "Unless you want it to, of course."
Robin's mask widened.
"Are you implying something, Beast Boy?" he asked. Frowning, Robin crawled over to Beast Boy and punched him so hard he flew all the way to the wall and slumped down against it, unconscious.
"You guys need a life," Raven said rolling her eyes. "I have no idea what you were talking about, but from the looks of it, it's all Beast Boy's fault. Typical." She shook her head and turned to walk out the door.
"Raven, wait!" Robin leapt up and grabbed Raven's shoulder. "Maybe you can help us."
"I'd need to know what the problem is first," she said, turning around.
"Right," Robin said, looking behind him at Cyborg, who shrugged, and then at Beast Boy, who was still unconscious.
"I think you'd better sit down," Robin said, releasing Raven's shoulder and sitting back down.
"Not on that," Raven said dryly, looking at the dirty carpet. She crossed her legs in midair and levitated herself into the room.
"Friends!" came the exclamation from the doorway. "You have gathered without me!" Starfire bounded into the room, smiling, and sat down on the carpet next to Robin.
The other two conscious Titans noticed that Robin's face turned red when she sat down. Well, redder than it normally did when Starfire was around.
"Uh," Cyborg looked at Robin, trying to think of the best way to explain the situation to not only Raven, but to Starfire.
"Let's put it this way," Robin said, putting both his hands up in a defensive position. "People are writing slash fiction about us and posting it on the internet."
He winced, waiting for the onslaught of either dark magic or starbolts that he was obviously expecting.
"Well, this sucks," Raven said calmly.
"Tell me," Starfire said in an innocent tone impossible to hold in a conversation of this sort, "what is slash?"
"Help me," Robin whispered, biting his lip.
"You do understand what a boyfriend and a girlfriend are, Starfire?" Raven asked, obviously trying to find the least harsh way to tell the alien the definition of slash.
"Yes," Starfire nodded.
"Well, it's like that, but instead of a boy having a girlfriend, he, um…" Raven trailed away, obviously not wanting to be the one to swing the final blow.
"Man, why do I have to do it?" Cyborg asked as both Raven and Robin looked at him expectantly. "OK, so instead of a boy having a girlfriend, he has a, well, he has a boyfriend."
"What?" Starfire looked even more confused. "How is that possible?"
"People have sick minds?" Robin said, hoping that Starfire would take this as an explanation.
"Oh, so their minds are dysfunctional," Starfire nodded. "I see."
"Right!" Raven said, obviously pleased that Starfire had not only accepted the situation, but found a way to explain it to herself.
"But why would people want to write about us like that?" Starfire asked, her eyes wide. "Does that mean they do not like us? That they think we are all klorbags?"
"It's possible," Raven said, nodding slowly.
"So now we're trying to think of a way to stop it," Robin said.
"I now understand the situation!" Starfire said, beaming. "We must stop people from writing the 'slash' about us."
A soft moaning came from the wall, and all four Titans were distracted by Beast Boy coming around.
"Dude, that hurt!" he said, rubbing the side of his head and looking around. When his eyes fell on Starfire (who was beaming and waving) and Raven (who was levitating and looking bored), his eyes widened. "What are they doing here?"
"They're helping us solve the problem," Cyborg said in an isn't-that-obvious tone of voice.
"Sorry if I was K-Oed when that happened," Beast Boy said sarcastically, looking at Robin. Robin answered with a frown.
"Let's get back to why we're here," Raven said pointedly.
"We must stop people from writing the 'slash' about us!" Starfire repeated. "It should not be difficult if we ask politely."
"I think it'll take more than a simple, 'Please stop writing slash about us,' Starfire," Raven said, shaking her head. "They obviously like writing that kind of thing. We'll have to be persuasive, if you catch my drift." The Titan guys nodded, while Starfire looked puzzled.
"What–" Starfire began, but Robin simply punched his fist into his palm, stopping her sentence. "Very well," Starfire said, looking slightly less happy. "But let us not be too persuasive."
"Dude, they were pretty bad about pairing me and Aqualad, so I'm gonna be as persuasive as I want," Beast Boy said, frowning.
"Aqualad?" Cyborg looked at Beast Boy. "You and Aqualad?" He looked as if he might gag.
"Yeah," Beast Boy said, shuddering.
"Is there anything else you have to warn us about before we do this, Beast Boy?" Raven asked.
"Just don't read them," Beast Boy's eyes widened. "My mind has been scarred forever."
"I think we figured that out this morning," Robin said.
"So what are we to do now?" Starfire asked.
"We figure out who did it," Cyborg said, turning his arm into his sonic cannon, "and squash them."
"Let's get to work!" Robin said, picking up Beast Boy's computer monitor and placing it on the floor in front of the Titans. They scooted close together so they all could see the screen as Robin put the keyboard in front of the monitor.
"What was the site name?" Robin asked, his fingers hovering over the keyboard.
"Fanfiction dot net," Beast Boy said immediately. Robin typed in the name, and the home page came up.
"Here, Beast Boy," Robin said, handing him the keyboard. "You know the site better than we do."
"Okay, dude," Beast Boy said, backing up to grab the mouse before clicking on 'cartoon.'
"Why are we called 'cartoons'?" Starfire asked. "I believe we are actual living beings."
"We're all stumped on that one, Star," Robin said, shrugging, as Beast Boy clicked on 'Teen Titans.'
"So what should I look under?" Beast Boy asked, clicking on the 'search' option at the top of the screen.
"Try the obvious," Raven said. When Beast Boy looked confused, she added, "Slash," with a sigh. Beast Boy typed it in, and everyone held their breath.
"One hundred and thirty nine?" they all screamed as the page loaded.
"I think I just lost my appetite for the next year," Robin said, holding his stomach and groaning.
"Dude, that is so wrong," Beast Boy said, hitting himself over the head.
"Man," Cyborg said, shaking his head. "That's just… I don't even have words for it."
Raven simply closed her eyes, while Starfire's widened.
"Now what must we do?" she asked, her green eyes turning on Robin.
"We figure out who's writing all this," he said, punching his fist into his hand again. While everyone else closed their eyes, he clicked on the author of the first story, 'Lord of Crackers.'
"Okay, this person has written only one slash fic about us," Robin said, looking around at his team members. They all still had their eyes covered. Robin bit his lip and turned back to the computer. "And it's about Aqualad and Speedy."
"Ew!" All four of the other Titans groaned. They all uncovered their eyes, and Cyborg turned his arm into his cannon again. "Can I blast them?"
"No, let me give them the monster of all wet willies!" Beast Boy said, turning into a flea and then into a hummingbird.
"Or I could give them nightmares for the rest of their life," Raven said, a black aura surrounding her.
"They will not disrespect our good friends!" Starfire said, her eyes glowing green.
"You know what we should do?" Robin asked, smiling slyly. "I think we should let Aqualad and Speedy take it out on them. After all, it is about them."