Meaning of a War
In order to understand, we must learn it on a hard way.
Too painful.
She couldn't breathe.
What she just saw, was too unreal. He said she has to prepare to see other people's death. Not like this. Not his death.
She remembered the last time she saw him three years ago in Japan, she started having all sort of dream about him. A dream of their memories being together. A dream where all her hope to be with him become true, abandoning her people and her country. A dream just like a reality which they're still being apart and she is missing him so bad, even in a dream. A dream where their just staring at each other's eyes without saying anything until the end of a dream.
And she knew all was just a dream yet still fall for it.
Even in her dream, she has never been seeing his death. She thought she wouldn't, because he was so strong and would fight hard to survive, just like he did all years of his life. She was so sure he won't meet his end because of her. They were apart three years ago because of their own choices and circumstances, they knew either of them won't get a happy ending by being together. Yet, he come to her life once again.
All she wanted for him was to stay alive and well. Even though being apart was the answer, that was she thought when she let go his hand.
She already decided her passion was for her country, a country that her parents fought so hard to be in peace with the price of their lives before she met him. When he came to her life as sudden as a wind; she didn't know what to call the feeling towards him, just as clueless as a newborn. However, her days became as warm as the sun when they were together. 'Intrigued' was the first impression of him, indeed. 'Touched by his sincerity' was the second, 'happiness is seeing one smile' was the third, 'love is indeed hard and yet it makes us stronger' was the fourth, 'sad ending is the only thing that await for us' was the last.
And now, just like a curse, seeing his death was their love's sad ending after all.
She was wailing his name so hard when she saw his pained eyes. She wished she said his name more often while she had a chance back then.
She didn't know how long she had cried.
She just sat there crying for her lost. It's too painful that she couldn't breath. She didn't hear approaching steps from her comrades. She couldn't hear what they said about the situation. She didn't care. She just wanted to curl up and cry. She felt somebody's arms hugged her and patted her back. She missed Haman-daek. She missed her grandfather. She missed her master. She missed Eugene.
Her comrades decided to carry her to inside. They gave her water to calm her and it worked a little.
I'm their captain. I can't be like this, she thought.
She took a deep breath and tried to calm herself. The tears already stopped but her chest still hurts.
She cleared her throat and said with hoarse voice, "I.. am so.. sorry for being like this. We'll still continue our mission, when we arrive at Pyongyang, we go as we planned. I'm okay now, thank you."
'Okay', that would be a lie. And everyone faces said so, however they decided to keep quiet. One face looked so sad too, there was a trail of tears on his cheek. She recognized his name was Joon Young. He was at Imperial Military under his master's commands. Surely he learnt how to pick a gun from Eugene.
The waves of lost hit her again.
"Let's... just go back to our position."
And so they did.
She didn't remember much after arriving at Pyongyang. Her body automatically just knew what she must do, and her senses was so sharp to aware of her surroundings. Their mission went so smooth until they arrived at safe house to meet other Righteous Army's member who already in Pyongyang. Then, they will continue their journey to Manchuria the next day.
She couldn't sleep that night. She didn't want to. She was too afraid to close her eyes to sleep. Would she see him in her dreams? She didn't want to see him again. Not today at least.
And thankfully, she didn't. All she saw in her dreams was the foggy klin site lake. She was standing there, alone. She never felt so lonely when she opened her eyes, awaken from that lonely dream.
Before the sun goes up, they continued their mission to Manchuria.
As a captain, she swore to do her job splendidly. And she did on this mission. All other member thought that quite scary, because everyone already knew about she and Eugene's relationship vaguely and what happened on their way. Yet they're very thankful for that, after all there's no one they could rely on except her. They're safely arrived at Righteous Army's hideout in Manchuria without anyone got injury.
But when they're arrived there, another lost is what they hear.
Ae-Shin felt numb. She couldn't think anything at that moment, so she just sat alone while staring at the floor.
She never imagined the part of war that hard wasn't about the fight. It's about the deaths of others. The death of somebody who you know and you love, that was the hardest part.
Eugene was right. He always did. Losing people is the meaning of a war.
The thought of him unconsciously made her reach her left third finger and stare at it. To feel the coldness from that tiny ring, to remember the last warmth of his hand.
His death's scene appeared again on her head, so she was thinking about what she should've done to change his fate. She was thinking hard, but she couldn't find other way. Eugene was a reckless man. However, his recklessness was the fruit of his quick-thinking of what best for her. What was best to support her as the one who wants to change and protect her beloved country.
What a stubborn person. And that's how she knew how deep his love was.
His death would burn in her memory forever. He is living with her as memory and that what's she decided when the first time they were apart as the consequence of giving her heart to him. His sacrifice and death won't be in vain. She will continue moving forward and fighting. Just like he hoped she would be.
Time passed and more people joined in Manchuria's hideout. Then she met again with Su-mi.
"I hope you are doing well while you are in Joseon." She said when she greeted her.
"Yes, my lady. I'm forever in debt to Lady Hina for asking Palace to take me. However, seeing all sort of unfairness from Japanese to our people in Joseon ignite my desire to protect our country from frontline. Please help me once again to teach me how to wield a gun." Su-mi's determine face and passionate hope makes her spirit up too.
"Of course, I will teach you. I'm in charge to teach about gun and tactics, don't regret you were asking this to me." She said with smile.
They talked for awhile about situation in Joseon and the group activity in Manchuria.
Up to the point about Joseon two years ago on their conversation, Su-Mi looked she remembers about something but her face clouded with hesitation.
"What's wrong Su-Mi? Your face is quite pale. Shall we continue later? You just arrived here, you must be tired. Rest here, I will go to check our weapons." She said ready to leave her to rest.
"No, wait, Lady!" Su-Mi reached her hand to stop her from leaving. She looked torn whether tell her or not, she closed her eyes and looked at her. "There is something I want to give to you."
She confused with Su-Mi's attitude, but willing to go along. She sat again beside her.
Su-Mi searched something in her bag and pulled a linen pouch from it then put it on Ae-Shin's hands.
"Maybe, it's better if you opened this alone. These are from Sir Eugene's bag which he entrusted me with before..." she paused, "Before he went to that train."
Ae-Shin's eyes felt hot. She touched that pouch and wondering what's inside.
She closed her eyes to prevent her tears from falling. Not in front of her. She looked up and gave Su-Mi a weak smile. "Thank you for holding it. I really appreciate it."
Su-Mi nodded. "I think this is what I must do. I'm sorry if it causes you a pain, but I think this is what Sir Eugene wants too. I will go now." Before she got up, she patted Ae-Shin's back gently.
She stared at that pouch again. Not sure she is ready to see what Eugene left for her.
She was feeling the thing inside the pouch. Something hard and have a rectangle shape. And... something like clothes ornament...?
She couldn't hold back her curiosity. So she opened it slowly.
The first thing she saw was the pale pink expensive-looking clothes' ornament. She knew that ornament, it was Eugene's mother memento. She touched it gently and felt her eyes hot again.
At least now, he's back with his family again. I wonder if he would talk about me.
That thought calmed her. She took a deep breath and wiped her tears.
Next is that rectangle shape thing. She never saw it before. She picked it and observed it. A bit heavy, I wonder what is this. She felt a coldness on the back, so she flipped it to search further for this strange thing.
She couldn't believe her eyes what she just saw.
It was a photo. Not just any other photo. It was theirs. The one they took before he supposed left Japan.
Tears falling again from her eyes. She stared long at his smiling face, just like what she remembered. She brought that photo to her face and sobbing. "Choi Yu-Jin..." she whispered his name once again quietly.
He wanted to move forward, so he took a step back, he once said.
Just a moment, would you let me stop moving forward and taking a step back? She asked to the void of her heart. Please, let me, just a moment.
And she did, once again mourned for him, the one who still continue living in her heart.
She always know the love she had for him would wilt on the day she took her last breath.
"In the end, we'll walk on different paths
I just can't hold onto you
Till we meet again later on
At the place filled with love
Goodbye"
AN: after rewatching it for too many times. I wanted to write Ae-Shin's feeling after the death of Eugene. Wasn't sure about the title tho... I'm suck at making a title.
Again, the last past is translation from one of ost, "And I" by NU'EST W.
Thank you for enjoying this.