FALLEN
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"Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories, I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past"
Easier To Run by Linkin Park
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A tear.
A sigh.
Silence.
Repeat.
There are legends that say that each planet and each moon has its own soul. Sometimes, I would look at the two moons hanging in the sky and feel like theirs were comforting mine. Even when I lived in the forest, I didn't mind sleeping on the ground as long as I could see them. I felt I could rest without fear since they were motherly watching over me. I've always felt safe under the moons' light. It's not the sun that shines in the shadows after all.
But tonight, they look cold, oblivious to the storm raging inside of me. I need to sort out my thoughts, but there are so many of them I don't know where to start.
Why ? Why do all the people I love have to suffer ? Why did they leave me one after the other ? I've asked the moons a thousand times. They wouldn't give me the answer though. I guess a simple mortal like me does not deserve to know.
A tear.
I had a dream last night... I have been having it for years. The awaking-old-memories kind. A ghost... I wonder, is she waiting for me on the other side ? The two gems hanging over me remind me of her eyes, I can hear her voice in the wind's soft whisper... Sometimes, I even feel like if I turned round, I would see her walking beside me. But, of course, she is never there. Never will I see her again, nor hear her cristalline laughter, nor kiss her again.
We knew how it would end, we knew we couldn't be together. But we decided it was worth trying, worth the pain and heartbrake that would inevitably come. And indeed, it felt like a dream come true. After running away from home, after all the doubs and fights, I finally felt serene. In peace. Whenever I felt down, she would cheer me up. When I would think of my sister, she would tell me to not lose hope, that if someone could find her again, I would. I was supposed to protect her, but the truth is she was my guardian angel. I wanted to thank her, to be the knight in shining armor for her. So I could believe I deserved her love.
But Fate wouldn't let me get away with it. As wonderful as it was, the dream slowly vanished, until we both woke up again to the cruel real world. She was a princess and I am a knight. We knew it would happen, but, somehow, we had been expecting a miracle. Briefly, wildly, we even thought of running away together. There is a place in the meadows that surround Pallas where we loved to go. We would spend hours there, talking about the cabin we could build there, how we would make it bigger with the years… Another beautifull dream… But we knew too well what the consequences would have been. And miracles hardly ever happen, I learned that the hard way.
I remember giving her a rose. To her it might just have been a flower, but to me it was my heart. Hers forever. The rose is long withered, but still, I miss her, love her. I long to be lost in her embrace. I don't think I will ever be able to wake from this dream. I don't care if it's not real. It's mine. AndI don't want to ever wake from it.
Marlene... my precious Marlene... my angel... my love…. She meant the world to me. I would have been happy to die for her, to protect her. My heart beat in her chest... And it died along with her. This is what is left of me now : an empty shell that has little left to hope for but to breathe.
She was a princess. And I am a knight.
Just a knight.
Nothing more than a knight.
A sigh.
Funny... I've almost reached the top of the social ladder. I'm part of the asturian elite. Sir Allen Schezar, Knight of Heaven. One would think the title would give me some rights. Actually, it does. It has given me the right to be cast away in one of the most remote places in all Asturia and to be considered a traitor. Don't get me wrong, I will never forsake my duty. Even just because it is the only thing I have left. But I cannot deny that it has never granted me what I need, and never will. I am nothing more than a knight. A knight.
Silence.
Repeat.
I feel tired, so tired... I wish I could sleep... reach for sweet oblivion... But no, these thoughts won't let me be. They've haunted me for years, there's no reason for them to stop right now. I don't have regrets though. Well... yes... I regret not having been able to protect Celena. I should have kept an eye on her and not have let her run away like she did. If I had run after her, would I have disappeared too ? Who knows... Do I still believe I'll find her ? Untill a few weeks ago, I didn't believe I would ever talk to my father again nor know what had happened to him after he left. If I could talk to my him, then why couldn't I find my sister ? But I don't put too much faith in that. Not expecting anything is the best way not to be disappointed. Fate has always managed to shatter my hopes...
A sigh.
I do what I believe is right. I could give up my honor, and even my life for that. But when I heard that the Zaibachers were planning to attack the Duchy of Freid, I knew for sure I could not abandon my son. This is why I left for the duchy. I thought that if they were warned in time, they would defeat the Zaibachers. I wouldn't say my journey was pointless, a poor defense is always better than being caught off guard with no defense at all, but I can't help feeling I failed. The Duke is dead and Godazim was burnt to the ground. And I left Chid, my only son, with a country to rebuild. He is only five years old... and I can't even comfort him. Because I am nothing more than a knight.
Chid... my greatest secret, my greatest pride and fear... He told me he admires me... No, he admires the knight from his mother's tales... If he knew who I really am... There's no way I'm telling him. For the time being that is. He has enough to deal with right now. But I wish that someday, he will be able to accept me as I am. Getting my son back... this would make me happy. I know he will never really be my son. It's far too late for that. He was raised by someone else. He is the Duke of Freid. Even if he knew the truth, we could never be more than friends.
As far as I know, only Princess Eries and Princess Millerna know about it. Princess Eries… she looks at me as if I were guilty of a treason of some sort. This night Marlene and I spent together... we knew it wrong but when I saw her crying, when she told me she was leaving in a few weeks... There was nothing else left to do. Nothing else we could have done. I remember every single move we made, every single word we whispered... how we then lay in each other's arms, clinging to our last spark of hope, dreading the morning light.
The morning did come.
So if I am guilty, it is of loving her. But is love a sin ? If it is, then I don't have much hope left for Gaea. If it is, then the Zaibachers have already won the war.
Besides, what Princess Eries may not know is that when I told her I would never love again, I meant it. I've lost every single person I loved. If I don't love again, then maybe, just maybe, I won't lose again.
Silence.
Repeat.
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"Mortal love is when sensuality is satisfied. True love is when love is sacrificed. "
David H.k. Leung
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Hi everyone, and thanks for reading ! I know I'm getting rather obsessed with Allen's story, but hey, I can't help it ! This scene would take place between episode 18 and episode 19. He looks depressed at the beginning of episode 19 and although he has a billion reasons to be, this is the one I picked up. He's back from his trip where secrets have been revealed and childhood wounds have been healed. A good time for a little bit of introspection ! Like it, hate it ? Please review and tell me ! falls downs on her knees, begging Please…