Hello everyone, this is my first story in english; so be gentle :) (currenlty it's my third language lol)

disclaimer : I don't own Twilight

I'm not good enough for you…

I'm tired of pretending…

Those words hurt. They dig everyday deep in my flesh, scarring all what was left of me. It's truly amazing and disappointing that I didn't die from the pain his words caused to me.

I begged death every day, but death wouldn't come, and I am tired of pretending. Pretending that I'm fine. But I did this damned promise. And I tried my best to fake a normal life, but my heartbreak was killing me, I died four months ago in the woods, when he left me. Like some garbage he didn't need anymore. But I knew better, I already knew that I wasn't enough.

How I could be enough, with all my plainness and my clumsiness? He was everything; beautiful when I was plain, a prodigy when I didn't have any talent. He was everything and I was nothing. I knew that painful truth but it didn't keep me from wanting him, from the bottom of my heart. I was like a moth bewitched by a blazing flame.

I died that day and I have to live, for the sake of the others. My dad, is always watching me with his worried glances, he knew me well. He waked up every night the first month scared by my screams.

I used to have nightmares, dreadful and somehow gore, they began with me walking in those woods, until I reached the meadow, our meadow. No, not our anymore but only him. And there he stood, in all his glory, inhuman beautiful boy watching me with a calculating look. I drank in all his perfection, capturing his features, remembering his cold and so warm embraces. Then he launched at me in his vampiric speed, and sinks his teeth in my skin. I always smell my blood running down my throat, and I heard his groaning. And I feel beautiful for the first time. Because I know that he craved my blood, He craved me.

That makes me worthy. Wanted.

But when he finished his feeding, he always threw me like a disgusting bug.

That's what I was keeping you for, useless pet. I'm done, and it will be like I'd never existed.

Cruel words, but indeed it was truth. Before Ed.., before he left me, I didn't know what he saw in me, in this obscure clarity, I understand that I was only an experiment, a distraction.

But I forgive him, I really do. Thanks to him, I was happy. Everyday was a bliss. I loved his family like mine. And it hurt me that they left without a mere goodbye. I wasn't worth a goodbye. My best friend, she left. But I forgive her, I forgive them. And if everyday now feels like hell, it will be me the culprit.

If only I was more.

If only the pain stops. My chest ache every second, every breath. Every beat of my useless heart.

I tried to return to be the old and plain Bella, but I couldn't. My friends at school abandon me when I didn't answer any of their questions. Who truly could blame them really? I looked like a ghost. And I continued acting as Robot Bella. Going to school, preparing food for Charlie and screaming at night. Is it a crime to love so much? So why did it hurt so badly?

And now I am currently looking at the sailing, remembering when I was His Bella. I can't see my own reflection anymore because I will see why he left.

And I am glaring at the fascinating sailing.

Bella

Blue sailing. Blue, it was his favorite color.

Bella! Look at me.

I snapped from my daydreaming and stare back at Charlie.

What's up, dad?

Bella, I've have enough, you are acting like a zombie, you won't go out anymore, It's not healthy. I speaked to Renée and she agreed to take you back with her.

Renée. Leaving. Forks. Ed… Him !

No, no you can't make me dad! I'm really fine here! Please don't do that! I could hear the sound of my chest ripping for pain. It would be like I've never existed.

Please Dad, I'll put more efforts, I'll go out with my friends, don't make me go!

I bored my stained and pleading eyes into his, they were watery. I am really the worst. Making my dad cry. I can't keep a simple promise..

Okay kiddo, you know that I love having you here with me.

Thank you dad, I will be alright. I'll call Angela later and go to cinema.

Good, Bella please I want you happy…

I will be fine, don't worry dad, I'm going downstairs to make dinner, alright?

Let's go to the dinner Bella.

Sounds good, let me change.

I have to try hard to make my dad happy. But I am afraid of the reaction of Angela and the others; I don't have the energy to fake more. I'm so tired.

Day after day, I keep looking at my former friends, hoping they will take the hint. Angela, god bless her, was the first to smile hesitantly I must add. But I took my chance, and I smiled back. From that day, we talked. It was awkward at the beginning, but she avoided asking me The question that I dreaded.

Charlie was pleased with my restored friendship. And I really was better. With her kindness, Angela kept me from madness. She loved speaking about Ben, her boyfriend and the college where she will go. And I loved hearing her talking. Because, it was somehow, what my future would be; if I was more.

Jacob was my savior. That was my first thought when I saw his radiant smile.

I met him a few times when Billy came to watch some match with Charlie. He always was silent, watching me cooking dinner. But I could sense his comforting. And naturally, I visited him in La Push when he asked me to come there.

I spent so many afternoons watching him building his car, humming some songs although I told him I didn't listen to music anymore. But he saw through me.

With his grinning and his warmth, I began to smile. I knew for certain that it was only a pause in my constant pain, but I was looking impatiently after those peaceful moments with him in his garage.

He irradiates life. And I, like someone who was kept in dark too long , couldn't resist the urge to be near him. He was my sun. His company kept me from mourning my loss and I'll be eternally grateful to him for that. He rescued me when I had those morbid thoughts.

I knew for sure, that he saw more than a friend, but I told him that I couldn't. I couldn't.

And he understood, telling me that he will wait. I couldn't tell him the truth. That I will never be ready to love someone other than Him. I felt really bad because I knew he hoped that someday I will snap from my heartbreak and I will be his. I was selfish again. Plain, boring and selfish Bella.

Jacob introduced me to Quil and Embry, two of his best friends. They were so funny, and acting like teenagers do. Teasing each other and helping Jake with the Rabbit.

We went few times to First Beach and I really did have fun. The weather was like usual terrible, but with my personal sun, it didn't bother me.

We met Sam Uley, the man who rescued me that night when I was lost in the woods. Unconsciously I held a grudge against him. Because of him, I didn't die. Because of him, I lived in misery.

He watched the boys with a creepy look, and it caused me to shiver. Jacob, stood then, and held me with a firm and warm arm. He told me later, that Sam seemed to be in some cult and that the elders worshiped the air he breathed. He was followed soon by Paul and Jared, two other boys from the rez.

The walk like they own the place; protectors my ass, they must be in some mafia gang! That's what Jacob said, he was angry and somehow worried. I tried my best to ease his preoccupations, because if he ordered me to jump from a cliff, I'll do it without thinking.

I think, I never can explain how he repaired me. Thanks to him, my relationship with Charlie improved a lot, and I could see that he was beyond happy with me. Thanks to him, I had Embry and Quil as friends. I own him so much and I can never repay him, so I try to be a good friend.

Unfortunately it didn't last long. I was condemned to live a painful life and the following weeks proved it.

After an awkward cinema session with both Mike and Jake, he didn't call me anymore. I tried to reach him and Billy caught all of my calls and told me that Jake has a fever, and that it wouldn't do me good if I caught it too. I spent seven painful days waiting for my sun, but he didn't come. It seemed then, that I was cursed. Cursed to be broken forever. Without a love, without a sister and without a friend.

I started to avoid Angela again. She faced me and told me what the hell was wrong with me, but I couldn't form the words. Telling the truth out hurt more. I didn't know how she guessed what was wrong, but she told me to grow up and to confront that ass who was pretending to be my friend. I sobbed violently in her arms and thanked her.

I drove faslty than ever, not caring about security and went to La Push. Billy opened the door, and looked at me pained:

He's not here Bella, go back, he will see you soon. But my heart knew better.

I'm sorry Billy but I need to see him.

So I dodged him and went to Jake's room. He was laying in his bed, snoring loudly.

I saw red. I was breaking down and he was snoring? What the fuck is wrong with him? So I screamed hard:

Jacob Black! Wake up you moron!

He jumped out from his bed, surprised by my outburst looking at me dumbly, and I really look at him then. My Jake wasn't my Jake anymore, in that muscled and toned body, I didn't recognize my teenager friend anymore, he was a man.

Bella , what are you doing here? He was angry and that me furious.

I came to see my ill best friend, but you seemed more than friend!

He dragged me outside and his face become cold and blank:

I don't want to see you anymore.

What? Jake what's wrong? Tell me? Did I hurt you? I will be more open! I promise Jake.

I was panicking, did I do something wrong? I couldn't live in dark, I couldn't give up my sun.

I'm not good enough Bella, I can't do this…

And he was gone. I think that he was gone. Because I was gone too. I was in an abyss so dark and hurtful. I'm not enough. I know that. Jake saw me, he saw the really me, he saw the plain old Bella and couldn't stay with her anymore. Of course, it's right. Who would stand someone as boring as me? I can't stand myself, so I understood him.

He used the same words Edward used that time. Of course. I cant' cry, I mustn't. I can't do this anymore. I'm done. They were right.

Don't cry, don't scream. Think of Charlie. Charlie. Dad. Daaaaaaaaaaaad!

Don't cry, don't scream. Don't reap your heart from your chest. I am not dead?

I'm not sure how I returned to home, but I managed to do it. Robot Bella cooked the dinner. She served the fish and went to her room.

I can't think, I can't remember. Thinking is painful, remembering is killing me.

Thanks to Charlie, I didn't go to school. I couldn't. I couldn't move. Breathing hurts. I failed everything.

I woke up, after a sanglant dream where He drained me, and where Jake turned into a geant beast. They were laughing at me, lying in the muddy ground, in those woods where I died a few months ago.

I changed myself and glued my eyes to the mirror. To my reflection. The ugly and boring Bella. I looked horrible, but I smiled a genuine smile and brush my tooth. I eat the breakfast Charlie prepared earlier and drove to the cliffs. Ironic huh? He didn't ask me to jump, but I will do it. I am done. I am loosing my sanity, between the sweet voice which kept telling me lies and bullshit and the last friend I lost tonight.

I couldn't stand more, really I think there is a limit to the pain I can bear. And I reached it long time ago; so I will ease my misery. Everyone will be happy, including myself. If I go to hell, there will be no remainders of him, of them there. I prefer to rot in hell . That's my choice and nobody can take it back.

I stood near the boarder of the cliff, listening to my last beats. I was appeased and calm. I should have done this sooner. It would have saved a lot of pain to Jake.

Goodbye. And I jumped.

so what's your opinion? shall I continue?

see you soon!