I am an official Dead Poets Society addict. (I don't know if there's a club for them but if there is I'm one of the top members).

I watched the film a couple of years ago with my family and then again recently at school and both times I have fallen in love with Neil and Todd's beautiful friendship and how amazing the two of them are – Todd especially (Neil's great too, I liked him better at first but he committed suicide and left Todd and Keating and everyone which was very inconsiderate, so Todd wins with his adorable shyness and secret strength).

Anyhow, I'm sure I can't be the only one who couldn't stop thinking about poor Todd trapped in Hell-ton and his empty room all by himself after Neil...went away (yes a part of me is still in denial, but my head tries to be a happy place) and basically how he got on with the rest of his life without his encourager at his side, so that was how this fic was born. If you have made it this far, read on!

Disclaimer: If I owned the Dead Poets Society – Neil wouldn't have died, Keating wouldn't have been fired, none of the deleted scenes would have been deleted, Todd would have throw his desk set at his parents and did I mention Neil wouldn't have died?

X-X

Loneliness

The room is bare. Empty.

Todd sits, propped up against his head board and stares hazily at Neil's side of the room through tears that he will not let fall. He hadn't thought he could hate Hell-ton more than he did before, but he'd been wrong.

Before it was the sparse exterior he loathed; now it's just the silence of the place. Todd would tear out every piece of furniture in the whole school if He could come back and fill the building to the brim with the laughter and passion and warmth and spirit that had soaked into every stone.

Now it's all gone /And never coming back/ the loss is so keen that Todd can physically feel the ache throbbing in his gut around about the place he used to experience excitement and joy and all those other emotions that have faded away since then.

Instead now all he has is guilt and pain and anger: guilt he should have done more, pain that he's gone and anger at the school, at Mr Perry, at Nolan. On rare moments when there's a spare space in his mind, a fraction of Todd is even angry at Neil: Couldn't he have waited, biding his time? Faced his father? Above all of that is the betrayal, how could Neil – so full of life, who had so much to live for – give up like that, leave Todd like that?

After all how was he meant to manage now? Soldier through every day; endure lessons and exams and gruelling sports without him? How can Todd wake up every day in this empty room without wanting to tear out of Hellton and run and run until he too keels over and takes the only escape left? Didn't Neil realise what he had done to him, to Keating, to all of them?

But when Todd's mind wanders too far down that path the guilt sets in /I should have done more. Given more/ and the cycle begins again.

But even so, through all these recent weeks of mind numbing pain and loneliness the question remains: If he could barely manage with Neil to pull him through, what would the battle be like alone?

His roaming eyes fall on Neil's desk in the early morning light and his gaze narrows imperceptibly: there's something there that hadn't been there the night before. Grateful for any distraction Todd throws back the covers and stumbles over to investigate.

It's only an old photo – Todd can remember when it was taken: photos of Hellton were being organized for the school Annual and Cameron (attempting to 'assist') had insisted that all the Dead Poet's (old and new) posed in front of the lake, while he oversaw the process.

He – Neil's there of course, front and centre but Todd can see the firm grip slung around his own shoulders forcing him to be seen.

Todd sniffs quietly and turns to fumble deep in the bottom draw of his own desk. He pulls out a picture of his own family, rips carelessly it from its frame and replaces it with the photo of the Dead Poet's.

There's a narrow strip left at the bottom of the card and he stares at it for a moment – hesitating – then grabs a pen and scrawls two words in the gap.

The tears have escaped now – he can taste their bitter poison in his mouth but he ignores them and hangs the frame above Neil's empty bed.

Maybe there will be a way through the battle.

X-X

This obviously takes place a short time after Neil's death – the photo of Todd's family is seen in one of the deleted scenes when Todd and Neil are unpacking in their room. It's really sad, the rest of his family are all together with Jeffrey in the middle of their parents while Todd's on the edge. (I mean no wonder he lacks confidence!)