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Once upon a time, in the land of Canada, David Spade was
benching 350 in the gym with Eddie Furlong when all of a
sudden Christopher Walken barges in and yelled, "Holy crap!
Guess what I just heard?! Hell has just frozen over! Isn't
that weird!?!"
"I think you're the weird one, Chris,"
said Eddie.
"I'm not weird. Everyone just thinks I'm
weird because their brains smell like bacon." After saying
this, Chris step-danced out of the gym to spread the news to
everyone else. Then Eddie got up to leave.
"Dude,
where are ya going? We have to go do a commercial for
'Gatorade,'" said David.
"I can't, man. I gotta go be
the leader in the "I'm Not A Druggie" parade, and then the "I
Don't Have A Homo Lisp" parade. See ya." Eddie said as her
walked out the door.
'Well,' David thought, 'Might as
well go to the commercial shoot early and go find a super
skank to date that weighs more than I do.'
When David
go to the shoot, he was very confused when he saw Tom Green
and body builders lifting their armpits.
"Dude, why is
this guy holding deodorant and licking the guy's armpits? This
is craziness. I thought I was going to do a 'Gatorade'
commercial!!" David yelled at the director.
"Oh,
didn't you hear? The director for 'Gatorade' got his face
pinched. What a way to go, huh?" said the director.
"Face pinched? That's really weird. When did it
happen?"
"Just about 10 minutes ago." After telling
this to David, David looked over at Tom Green in confusion.
"What's the deal with this guy?" asked David.
"We're
doing an 'Extreme X' deodorant commercial." David looked over
at Tom as he nailed one of the body builder's feet to the
ground with his nail gun. Then the body builder ran around in
a circle screaming at the top of his lungs.
"Even
under the most extreme pressure, 'Extreme X' cuts down the
sweating!" yelled Tom, "Go, go! Go run your circle!" Tom kept
ranting on and on until the director yelled at him.
"Hey, Tom, we're not filming yet!"
"Oh really?
Wow, that stinks," Tom said sincerely, "I think we're going to
need a new body builer because I think I hit a vital organ
with my nail gun-OH SH!TE!" Tom yelled in a Scottish accent as
he hit his foot with his nail gun.
"I guess the truth
comes out," said the director, "Tom is Scottish!! I knew it!!"
"Help me, anybaudy! I'm bleeding very baud! Hey,
David, please please help me!" wailed Tom.
"And you
aaarrrreee?" asked David.
"Aure you kidding?!?! I'm
Taum Green! I'm one of the biggest MTV icauns out there!"
screamed Tom.
"Hmmm. Sorry, doesn't ring a bell. Gotta
go. Buh-bye!" said David. But before he could walk away, Tom's
face was pinched and Tom collapsed to the ground.
"Oh
my God, not again!" screamed the director
"Ooookay
then. I'm outta here," said David.
When David was
walking down the street, everyone was screaming bloody murder
saying, "Their faces are pinched, their faces are pinched!"
Then someone ran up to David and said, "Eddie Furlong got his
face pinched!!"
"NOOOOO!!!" screamed David, "Not
Eddie!! Nooooo!"
'How could've this happened?,' David
thought, 'Why is everyone gettting their faces pinched?' David
thought this over and over and decided to go to the wise man
of the town, Mr. Tisic, or as others know him as 'The
Headcrusher'. David was one of the flatheads who knew how to
get to the wise man's headquarters intentionally. All he had
to do was follow the signs that said "Hot Babes" on it. Of
course, the first time he went to the wise man's headquarters,
he thought he was actually looking for hot babes. But David
was one of the Wise Man's favorite flatheads.
When
David got to the Wise Man's fort in the alley, he gave the
secret knock.
"What's the password?" asked a voice
from inside.
"Ummm...I want chicken, I want liver,
meow mix, meow mix, please deliver?"
"Would that be
the red kind, or the brown?"
"Crap! I always forget
that one!" said David, "Umm, the red?" The Wise Man opened the
door. "What is it, my sad flathead?" he asked, "I have lots of
headcrushing to do."
"Mr. Tisic, everyone knows that
you're very wise--"
David was interrupted. "Maybe you're the wise one." said
Mr. Tisic.
"What?" David asked.
"Maybe you're
the wise one and I'm everybody." said Mr. Tisic.
"That
doesn't even make sense," David said in confusion.
"Maybe you're not making sense," said Mr. Tisic.
"I don't understand--"
"Maybe you can
oversit," said Mr. Tisic.
"Okay, that's just stupid.
Listen, I don't have time for your philosophical crap right
now. There's something seriously wrong with this town.
Everyone seems to be getting their faces pinched--"
"Face pinched!?! No, not again!" wailed Mr. Tisic.
"Eddie even got his face pinched!" said David.
"No, not Eddie! He was my most favorite flat head!"
said Mr. Tisic.
"What do you mean by 'most favorite?'"
asked David.
"Nevermind that. I can't believe this is
happening again!" screamed Mr. Tisic.
"So you know of
this face pincher?" asked David.
"I battled against
him about 8 years ago, when you were still on Saturday Night
Live and I was being followed by those Goddamn Kids in the
Hall!" said Mr. Tisic, "After I crushed his head, he was never
heard of again."
"But now, he's back," said David,
"What does he want?"
"I don't know. When did the face
pinching begin?" asked Mr. Tisic.
"About 45 minutes
ago." said David.
"Where were you 45 minutes ago? What
happened?" asked Mr. Tisic.
"Well, I was lifting
weights with Eddie Furlong when Chris Walken comes in and
starts raving about how Hell has frozen over and saying how
weird it was," Explained David, "Then Eddie said that Chris
was the weird one and--"
"Okay, I don't need every
single detail. When was the first face pinching?" asked Mr.
Tisic.
"Oh, let's see. I left the gym a few minutes
after Eddie did, I got to the commercial shoot in about 10
minutes, so about half hour ago. The first was the director of
the 'Gatorade' commercial." said David.
"Well, we
better got see to this face pinching. Come on, David. To the
Batmobile!" said Mr. Tisic.
"Whhaaat? What Batmobile?
What are you talking about?" asked David.
"Oh, sorry.
I've just always wanted to say that. Quick, David. To the
Car!!"
David and Mr. Tisic got into the car and drove
to the center of the town. After investigating for about 5
minutes, Mr. Tisic heard a familiar voice.
"So, Mr.
Tisic, long time, no see?" It was The Face Pincher.
"You again? I thought you were living in a smelly,
rat-infested, sweat hole with no fresh water with just the
cows to keep you company," said Mr. Tisic.
"Yes, Iowa
was very nice, but I have come to seek revenge!" replied the
face pincher. "Mr. Tisic," he said as he took off his gloves,
"Meet your destiny!"
"If this is the way you want it,
you got it!" Mr. Tisic said as her took off his gloves. Mr.
Tisic and The Face Pincher got their fingers in position.
"I will pinch your face!"
"Not if I crush your
head first!" The face pincher went from left to right to left
again. The headcrusher was locked in a struggle. The struggle
went for a good 5 minutes. Just when the headcrusher thought
he would've been beaten, there came a voice.
"Snootch
to the mother-f^ckin dude!" All of a sudden, two dark figures
came and started kicking the crap out of The Face Pincher. The
Face Pincher, in fear, fell to the ground and covered his head
with his hands.
"Do not hurt me, please, don't hurt
me!"
"Jay and Silent Bob? What the hell are you doing
here? I thought you were casting Ben Affleck in another one of
your movies," said Mr. Tisic.
"Yeah, well when I heard
what was going down in *my* town, me and my hetero life-mate,
Silent Bob, decided to check it out." Responded Jay.
"But, dude...you live in L.A. not Canada," popped in
David Spade.
"Dude, are you glad we kicked the sh!t
out of Face Pncher, or what?!" yelled Jay.
"Yes," said
Mr. Tisic and David.
"And now, it is time that I
be...Crushing Your Head!!" Mr. Tisic said as he gladly crushed
the Face Pincher. "Haha! I've crushed you, you Flathead!"
"Now let's just see who you really are, Face Pincher,"
David said. David pulled off Face Pincher's mask.
"Well I'm sure I'm sorry!" yelled David.
"Ca-ching!" said Silent Bob.
"What?"
asked Chris.
"Oh, Silent Bob just said that you
make a hell of a lot more money than David does anyway."
Translated Jay.
"Oh yeah. I guess I do.
Hahahahaha!" Chris laughed as he pointed at David. "I
laugh at your problem, HA!"
"Just promise me
we'll never fight again!" cried David as he ran over to
Chris and they hugged each other.
"Well, I guess
that's solved. Let's go get a McMooby meal. On me!" said
Mr. Tisic.
End.
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