Okay, it wasn't my fault. Half of the craziness belongs to Om. This is just some of the randomness that we think would happen if Into the Woods met Sweeney Todd.
Anthony: So I'm looking for a girl with yellow- sorry, golden- hair. About the color of corn.
Asylum Guard: Sorry, some baker guy came in looking for a girl with hair as yellow as corn. Said something about a curse. He cut off a good chunk of her hair. Not enough left to make a wig, unfortunately.
Anthony: Wha...? O.o
Johanna: So what do you need it for?
Baker: To have a child.
Johanna: Well, that's a little creepy.
Baker: No, no, it's really not.
(Just then, another girl is thrust into the asylum. Her hair is really, really, long.)
Witch: I'll hide you far away where neither that prince nor any other corrupting youth can ever find you! Ha ha ha ha!
Rapunzel: Well, this sucks.
Johanna: Tell me about it.
Baker: So...much...yellow hair...
Meanwhile...
Baker's Wife: So, what do you do for a living?
Mrs. Lovett: I bake pies.
Baker's Wife: Me, too! I have a really good recipe with blueberries...
Mrs. Lovett: I fill my pies with the people my soon-to-be husband (hopefully) kills.
Baker's Wife: o.O
BEFORE THAT...
Sweeney: Hair? I don't have any hair...that's not on my head...
Baker: Any hair! Even the little clippings that fall on the ground when you shave people! As long as it's yellow!
Sweeney: No, I don't shave people...
Baker: What? But the sign says you're a barber...
Sweeney: Oh...heh...right...how about a shave?
Baker: But you said-
Mrs. Lovett: So he was all, "Try Pirelli's Miracle Elixir" and used lots of big words, and I was, "Awwwww!" and Sweeney was like, "Grrr KILL KILL KILL," but that's what he's always like, and shopping was SOOO FUN, and...
Baker's Wife: This is ridiculous, what am I doing here? I'm in the wrong STOR-y!
Toby: Try Pirelli's Miracle Elixir, it'll do the trick sir, yes indeed!
Rapunzel: ...I don't think that's my problem...
Johanna: This is kind of embarrassing, but I like to talk to birds.
Cinderella: Really?! Me TOO!
Little Red: And a few of those pies, please!
Mrs. Lovett: Boy, your granny must be hungry...
Little Red: GOD THAT'S GOOD!
In a bar:
Rapunzel's Prince: I knew the moment I saw her, all shut up in her tower with that gorgeous yellow hair that she was the girl I was going to marry.
Anthony: It was the exact same way for me!
Rapunzel's Prince: Of course, that was before she went crazy, got stepped on by a rampaging giantess, and I cheated on her with Snow White.
Anthony: ...
Witch: So I took their daughter and locked her up far from the eyes of her parents.
Beggar Woman: That sounds familiar.
Witch: And then I cursed their entire family...
Beggar Woman: WITCH!
Witch: Your point?
Sweeney: So how did you die?
Witch: I didn't. I mean, I might have. There was a lot of cheesy fog machines and such.
Sweeney: So you aren't dead? Want a shave?
Witch: I don't have a beard, idiot. Who do you think I am, Mme. Thénardier?
Jack: So, do you want to buy this cow?
Toby: Sure! I've always wanted a nice furry pet, but all I had was that lousy wig...
Jack: ...will you give him a good home?
Toby: Nothin's gonna harm him, not while I'm around!
Witch: Princes wait there in the world, it's true...
Toby: Demons'll charm you with a smile!
Witch: Shut up, fool. This is my song. A curse of infertility on your house.
Toby: Um... Okay...
Pirelli: You want-a me to shave-a you? I am-a da barber-a of-a kings.
Cinderella's Prince: Ooh...you are? I've always thought we needed a royal barber...
One of Sweeney's victims: And then they *shudder* ATE ME!
Granny: Buck up, son. The mouth of a wolf's not the end of the world.
Giantess: FEE, FI, FOE, FUM, I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISHMAN!
Sweeney: I keep meaning to clean that up...
Giantess: WHERE IS THE BOY?
Pirelli: Here-a he-a is!
Toby: IT'S NOT ME I SWEAR
*in the same bar as before*
Witch: And I said, "No, I don't want you to have any friends except for me! Never leave the house again!" and she just started CRYING!
Judge Turpin: How unreasonable.
Witch: I know, right?
Judge Turpin: How did she react when you proposed?
Witch: ...what?
*the Wolf is sitting in Sweeney's barber chair*
Wolf: And then she just went off to pick daisies and gillyflowers...
Sweeney: Really now?
Wolf: Yep. That's what I call gullible.
Sweeney: *aside* There's no possible way...to describe what you feel...when you're talking to your meal...
At the shaving contest:
Beadle: Mr. Pirelli can shave that man. *picks Cinderella's prince, who is clean-shaven*
Mr. Todd can shave that man. *picks the Wolf*
Sweeney: Well, this seems slightly unfair.
Jack: You're sure you want to get your hair cut here, Mother? It looks like a men's barber shop...
Jack's Mother: I must have a haircut today, Jack.
Jack: (doubtfully) All right...I'll see you soon again...I hope that when I do, it won't be on a plate.
Beggar Woman/Lucy: And then he invited me to a ball...
Cinderella: Really? Me too! We're like, twinsies!
Beggar Woman/Lucy: And then he *whispers in Cinderella's ear*
Cinderella: ... Well, even if you know what you want, that probably wasn't it.
Beggar Woman: AAAAAAAALMS...AAAAAAAAAAAAAALMS...for a pitiful wooooooman...
Baker: I don't have any money...would you like these beans?
Beggar Woman: Beans?
Baker's Wife: They're magic beans!
Beggar Woman: Yum!
Baker: this is kind of embarrassing, but I don't know your name.
Baker's Wife: Well, Sondheim never gave me one, but I rather like the name Joanna. Because of, you know, the brilliant Joanna Gleason.
Anthony: I FEEL YOU, JOHAAAAAANAAA!
Baker's Wife: ... That's nice.
Johanna: WHITE COW AND LINNET BIRD...you know, Milky White, when I traded my green finch for you, I thought you would be a lot more...interesting.
Milky White: Moo.
Cinderella: No one is alone, truly, no one is alone... People make mistakes! Fathers-
Johanna: Yeah, you're telling ME.
Beadle: He doesn't appreciate me at all! I just have to follow him around as he-
Steward: Chases princesses?
Beadle: I was going to say 'rapes people' but yeah, that works too.
There you have it, folks. You enjoy? REVIEW.