Team Me

Caroline stood in front of her mother's not-so-well-hidden liquor supply for a long time but eventually left it untouched. It would take all of the alcohol in there and then some to make her mind stop twitching and going over every detail of the day over and over again. And the worst part of it was that the thing she should be worrying most about – that Elena had a sire bond and was in for a world of pain to break it – wasn't even what she was thinking about most. No, she was obsessing over Elena's love life.

Not to mention a certain smile and lilting accent and ...

She'd been asking herself about it all day, how Elena could have chosen someone as evil as Damon over Stefan. Obviously, the sire bond explained a lot of it but if she was being honest – and she could at least be honest with herself, if only sometimes – this ... thing had been going on for awhile. Caroline was Elena's best friend, after all, she could see the signs: the lingering touches, the secret gazes that went on too long. It made her want to throw up a bit but she knew that beneath the siring, there was something more.

That didn't meant she had to accept it though. Like hell. No, she had to do everything she could to make Elena realize that it was probably the biggest mistake of her life, that there was no way she could choose Klaus over Tyler.

Damon. No way she could choose Damon. Over Stefan.

Oh god.

She was standing in her room now, somehow, staring down at her bed. At the bed she'd been lying in when she drank Klaus' blood, when he told her he wasn't going to let her die on her birthday. Back then, she hadn't understood why he'd come; actually, she still wasn't completely sure what had made him change his mind. There was always too much going on with him, always a plan and a backup plan and a backup for the backup plan. She didn't think she'd ever have a handle on him. Not that she wanted one. Except ...

This was also where Damon had fed on her, she made herself remember, even though she tried to forget those days. Where he had abused her, raped her, and threatened her more times than she could count. She'd been forced to get past all that but it didn't mean she could ever really be okay with it or with him. And sure, she knew he'd done a lot of good since then but she was pretty sure that if they were measured against his sins on some cosmic scale, the bad would definitely win out.

She was even more sure that it would be the same thing for Klaus.

But – and she hated herself for even thinking this question – what about Stefan? He'd done so much for her, helped her get through some of the hardest parts of her life (or should it be death?) but she'd also seen what he was capable of, in the wrong place at the wrong time. Not all of it had been under compulsion. And that didn't even begin to take into account his past. He'd been a Ripper. And there was always a chance he would be one again. As much as she wanted to deny it, she couldn't pretend that the shining knight wasn't so shiny after all.

Caroline changed her mind and rushed back to the liquor cabinet, pulling out the first bottle she reached and practically dumping it down her throat. It burned so much and she ended up coughing most of it right back up but it also felt good, so good. Good and bad, all at once.

Damn it, she really wasn't going to be able to forget any of it, was she?

So where did any of this leave her, anyway? Well – and here was that honestly again – it left her in exactly the same place as Elena, caught between someone she wanted but shouldn't and someone she should want more.

She loved Tyler, she really, truly did. And they'd been through so much together since he first turned. But there was tension there too, decisions made that the other could probably never quite agree with, a secret here, a secret there. It reminded her a bit of her and Matt and look how that turned out.

You mark my words. Small town boy, small town life, it won't be enough for you.

No, no, he couldn't be right about that. Klaus couldn't be right about anything or else she'd have to start questioning everything.

She dropped the bottle and it shattered on the ground. She'd need to clean it up before her mother got home or she'd have to face even more questions she didn't want to answer. But she could do that later, when she didn't feel like she was about to explode out of her own skin. She raced towards the back door and outside, into the woods. And then she ran and ran and ran some more.

She didn't return until dawn and when she did, she was gorged on animal blood and slick with sweat. When she was like this, it felt good to be alive or dead or whatever she was. And now, finally, her head was beginning to clear – or at least, she was going to tell her head that it was. She knew what she had to do today.

Today, she was going to make a plan and stick to it. Today, thing's were going to be different. She was going to remember that Damon was no good, that Klaus was no good, and that Stefan was the one Elena should be with; that they would make it, that she and Tyler would make it, no matter what. As long as she knew that was true, then things would be okay. Because of it wasn't ...

No, it had to be. It being true was the only way she'd make it through this day and the next and all the days to follow. The only way.