Silent Tears
by Umi
January 2001
Disclaimer: Lina, Gourry, and all Slayers characters belong to Hajime Kanzaka, Rui Araizumi, TV Tokyo, and SOFTX, not me! I'm not makin' any money outta this!
Some people say that falling in love is the greatest feeling in the world.
It's so wonderful to share your soul, your heart, with someone, to understand that someone utterly and completely. It's so wonderful to stare into that someone's eyes, melting in the warmth of their gaze. It's so wonderful to care for someone so deeply, with all your heart, that you would do anything for that person.
Boy, were they wrong.
It hurts like hell to someone.
At least, for me it does.
To see him everyday... To smile at him, to talk to him sweetly, offering words of support. To watch him smile back. To see her come and talk to him excitedly, her ruby eyes shining brightly at him. To see him with a look of true happiness in his soft blue eyes. A look of love...
Aimed at her.
It hurts.
It hurts so much... So much that sometimes I...
I...
I just want to die.
I don't want to see them together anymore. I don't want to see him anymore.
But, a part of me won't let me. A part of me won't let go.
A part of me can't let go.
So, I just stay nearby, always watching them, trying my best to muster a smile...
Trying my best not to cry.
It's hard being alone. It's hard feeling so empty, so hollow.
It's hard knowing that you can never be truly happy...
Why did it have to be this way? Why her, not me? I've been with Gourry for so much longer than she has. What makes her so special?
Still... I think I know why. Lina's perfect for him...
Because she's everything I'm not.
She's so strong that she doesn't have to depend on anyone else. She's so determined and has such a strong will that she can do whatever she sets out to do. She's so brave and adventurous that she's not scared to take risks, that she's not scared of getting hurt. She's so carefree that she does things when she wants to, without any hesitation. She's so confident and sure of herself and what she wants to do in her life.
She lives life to its fullest, doing all she can, striving to do her best, so she won't have any regrets.
Why can't I be more like that?
Sometimes I want to just hate her, hate her so that I can blame her for everything, for taking Gourry from me, for being so much stronger than me...
But I can't hate Lina.
I'm actually really starting to like her.
Instead, I think I hate myself.
I hate myself for not telling him how I felt back then, when I had a chance to be with him.
Back when we didn't know Lina.
Back when he could have loved me.
Not telling him is one of the greatest regrets of my life.
I've lost that chance forever.
I can't tell him now, because I don't want to risk breaking him and Lina apart. I want to be with him, but I can't ruin his happiness...
Their happiness...
Sometimes I want to, though. I want to tell him I love him, to make him finally notice me...
Even if it makes him hate me.
At least he'd know how I feel...
And I hate myself for being so weak that I can't forget about Gourry, that I can't move on with my life. I'm so weak that all I can do is hold on to this desperate longing for the one thing I can never have...
I hate myself for loving him.
I hate myself for needing him.
I close my eyes, letting my silent tears fall.
-Owari-
by Umi
January 2001
Disclaimer: Lina, Gourry, and all Slayers characters belong to Hajime Kanzaka, Rui Araizumi, TV Tokyo, and SOFTX, not me! I'm not makin' any money outta this!
Some people say that falling in love is the greatest feeling in the world.
It's so wonderful to share your soul, your heart, with someone, to understand that someone utterly and completely. It's so wonderful to stare into that someone's eyes, melting in the warmth of their gaze. It's so wonderful to care for someone so deeply, with all your heart, that you would do anything for that person.
Boy, were they wrong.
It hurts like hell to someone.
At least, for me it does.
To see him everyday... To smile at him, to talk to him sweetly, offering words of support. To watch him smile back. To see her come and talk to him excitedly, her ruby eyes shining brightly at him. To see him with a look of true happiness in his soft blue eyes. A look of love...
Aimed at her.
It hurts.
It hurts so much... So much that sometimes I...
I...
I just want to die.
I don't want to see them together anymore. I don't want to see him anymore.
But, a part of me won't let me. A part of me won't let go.
A part of me can't let go.
So, I just stay nearby, always watching them, trying my best to muster a smile...
Trying my best not to cry.
It's hard being alone. It's hard feeling so empty, so hollow.
It's hard knowing that you can never be truly happy...
Why did it have to be this way? Why her, not me? I've been with Gourry for so much longer than she has. What makes her so special?
Still... I think I know why. Lina's perfect for him...
Because she's everything I'm not.
She's so strong that she doesn't have to depend on anyone else. She's so determined and has such a strong will that she can do whatever she sets out to do. She's so brave and adventurous that she's not scared to take risks, that she's not scared of getting hurt. She's so carefree that she does things when she wants to, without any hesitation. She's so confident and sure of herself and what she wants to do in her life.
She lives life to its fullest, doing all she can, striving to do her best, so she won't have any regrets.
Why can't I be more like that?
Sometimes I want to just hate her, hate her so that I can blame her for everything, for taking Gourry from me, for being so much stronger than me...
But I can't hate Lina.
I'm actually really starting to like her.
Instead, I think I hate myself.
I hate myself for not telling him how I felt back then, when I had a chance to be with him.
Back when we didn't know Lina.
Back when he could have loved me.
Not telling him is one of the greatest regrets of my life.
I've lost that chance forever.
I can't tell him now, because I don't want to risk breaking him and Lina apart. I want to be with him, but I can't ruin his happiness...
Their happiness...
Sometimes I want to, though. I want to tell him I love him, to make him finally notice me...
Even if it makes him hate me.
At least he'd know how I feel...
And I hate myself for being so weak that I can't forget about Gourry, that I can't move on with my life. I'm so weak that all I can do is hold on to this desperate longing for the one thing I can never have...
I hate myself for loving him.
I hate myself for needing him.
I close my eyes, letting my silent tears fall.
-Owari-