Old Man in a Gondor Pub
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This table is more than big enough for the both of us. 'Specially you being such a slight thing and
all… Ah! I'm comfortable here. This
bench ain't hard on my old rear so you can take the chair young'un, but thanks
for offering, many youngsters wouldn't these days. You seem like a nice kind of bloke. Kind'a like me…
Okay, so I have never been a 'specially nice person. Life is
like that, not every one is good. In
fact most people are fairly lousy, they just pretend to be nice. Watch and you'll see young'un. See the butchers selling short cuts of meat,
those coopers who sell you barrels made from cheap wood and the landlords who
water down the ale.
Oi, don't glare at me barkeep I don't mean you! I wouldn't drink here if you did.
Anyway, let me go on.
You know the sort I'm talking about, all smiles to your face and daggers
to your back. Anyway I'm getting off my
point, horrid habit I've developed in my old age. The main thing is I know I'm just a normal bloke. Still even though I'm really average I think
people should know how I changed middle earth.
Now look at how I'm getting away from myself. Puffing up my tale and all. "How I changed
Middle Earth," doesn't it sound grand?
Well it should, as it's a heck of a yarn. I suppose you're interested now, so I might as well go on. Oh mine's a beer by the way. I 'ave to keep my throat wet or I'll never
finish this tale and you wouldn't want that young'un would you!
Cheers that tastes right grand. Now where was I? Oh yea',
how I changed middle earth… What do you mean everybody changes it? Not like I did ya young whippersnapper…
Y'say you're not young. Well you don't
look like you're shaving yet to me mate…
Oh you're an elf. Well why
didn't you say so, I am particularly relevant elves in particular. Suppose I should've noticed and all but my
eyes ain't what they used to be. Ah,
that's good beer that is. Now where was
I?
Lifetimes ago it happened… Stop interrupting elf! I keep
losing my track of thought… Yes I do've
one, don't be so cheeky. So, a long
time ago when the struggle between good and evil was balanced a great battle
was fought. It was in the east at the
Dark Lord's tower. Do you know he tried
to trick the elves with gifts and stuff before the battle? What d'you mean that's
not the case elf. How d'you know? Where you there or some'at?
Oh… What was it like?
A battle? That's not
very descriptive mate. I wanted to hear the real story… You'd rather hear mine, well I'm flatt'red…
No it's not about the battle with the Dark Lord. I was just building the atmosphere. No my story is more recent than that, 'cause unlike you I wasn't
born then mate. No this story involves
lovely Eowyn wife to our fine Steward and the battle at the Gates of
Gondor. Hmm, that beer slipped down a
treat, seems to have run out… Another? Oh don't mind if I do lad.
Ah, thanks mate.
You're right generous for an elf.
Not that I've met any before.
Are you all this generous? I
bet… No I think you're probably even kind of generous among your kin… Thank
you. I'd buy you drinks for
entertaining too, must remind me that the next round's mine. So there we was Eowyn and me… Well know I
didn't know her exactly… Oh yeah, I knew she was a girl, no lad's that
pretty! So being the chivalrous type I
followed her ready to defend her. I saw
a halfling with 'er but really it's be right hard for something that size to
defend anything! Well… Maybe I do wrong
'im… Okay you know more about it than me, though that halfling was a d'mned
plucky litt'l fighter. Now the lady
Eowyn she was somefing else, she could weald a blade near as good as me and I
was a d'mned fine fighter as a lad.
This' good beer, fine'n malty. It tastes great mate. Hey I'm a poet and do not know it! Hehe… Oh my story? Course mate, just enjoying this fine ale you pur'chaised for
me. It's right grand. Well, I'm
continue-continuing… itsh's good beer though.
The lady Eowyn owes her life to me, cosh I defended her 'gainst that
crowned thing… Yes that was me. Thish
room is spin'n mate. 'S good beer lad.
You're my mate elf… 'S really good ale wanna share? S'kay I don't mind, think I might've 'ad
enough… Oh, 'ow did I defend 'er? Well
the crowned thing sort'a tripped o'er me.
So she could sh'kewer 'im. This'
good beer, jusht right for a hero like me, cos I shaved Gondor. If it hadn't been for me that crowned fing
would'a got 'er.
*With that the hero slumped forward senseless at the inn
table. The elf smiled amused at the
arrogance of mortals, rose from the table and left the inn.*
