Disclaimer:
This fan fiction is based on the DiC dub of the anime 'Sailor Moon'. 'Sailor Moon' and its respective characters are the property of Naoko Takeuchi and TOEI Animation and the copyright is owned by them and not by me.
'I Know Him So Well' was written by B. Andersson, T. Rice and B. Ulvaeus. The 'Abbamania' version is published by Bocu Music and the copyright is owned by Polydor Ltd and Sony Music Entertainment (UK) Ltd.
Author's Notes:
I'm not anti Serena/Darien nor am I pro Rei/Darien, I just thought the words of the song went really well with the situation that Rei was in at the time, so I hope no-one is offended by my interpretation ^_^
As for the song, I apologize if some of the lyrics aren't exactly accurate as I don't have the original version so had to transcribe them from the version I actually own.
I appreciate all comments and constructive criticism ^_^ but please don't flame me or MST this fic.
* * * * * *
Nothing is so good it lasts eternally
Perfect situations must go wrong
But this has never yet prevented me
Wanting far too much for far too long
Rei and Darien. Darien and Rei. Our names, how perfectly they went together, how beautiful they sounded every time I whispered them to myself. Whenever I was alone in the darkness of my temple I would speak his name softly, running my fingers over his photograph, the consonants playing against my lips as I touched his hair, his eyes, his lips. It was the only photograph I had of him, he seemed uncomfortable in front of a camera but that didn't matter, one photograph was all I needed. I had every feature of his face memorized.
For those short weeks that we were together I lived my fantasy. He was mine, and mine alone. Those moments we spent with each other were special, special to me at least. Yet our relationship was superficial, as real and alive as the photograph that still rests against my nightstand. I may have been his, but he was never truly mine.
Looking back I could have played it differently
Won a few more moments, who can tell?
But it took time to understand man
Now at least I know I know him well
Perhaps I tried too hard to win his affection. I thought that if we had something in common it would make our relationship last that little bit longer, although I see now that my eagerness only succeeded in pushing him away. Perhaps we weren't as alike as I thought we were, and he only pretended to share the same interests as me, too polite to speak out against my wishes. I should have let him decide what we did once in a while. It wouldn't have hurt me.
He was probably sick of us always doing what I wanted, always going to the places I wanted to. At times, I noticed the restlessness in his eyes, heard the boredom in his voice but I said nothing. I didn't want to argue, not with him.
I was too pushy, too bossy and demanding. I can see now why he quickly tired of me. I clung onto him like a desperate animal, baying for constant attention and affection. It is obvious to me now how that would irritate someone as independent as Darien but I only wanted someone who would love me for who I really was, and would help me fight the loneliness I kept hidden under my fierce temperament.
Wasn't it good, wasn't he fine?
Isn't it madness he can't be mine?
But in the end he needs a little bit more than me
He needs his fantasy and freedom
I know him so well
He was so much older than I was and I didn't want the age gap to bother him. I didn't want him to think of me as a little kid, a whiny brat who was still in the middle of growing up. I wanted him to see me as mature, cultured, sophisticated. I thought that was what he wanted.
He never said anything to my face, but when he was with his friends it was different. When he was with them, he could make fun of me and my feelings. I would have never have expected this of him, until I overheard a conversation between him and Andrew when they were in the café one day, and the way Darien described me as 'just a kid'.
It hurt so much to hear those words coming from him, as if he was angry that Andrew could ever think that we were more than just friends. How could he say that about me? He was supposed to stick up for me, he was supposed to be proud of me, and proud to be with me. I realized then that no matter how mature I acted I could never hide my real age. My act was nothing more than that, I was still no more than a child to him.
No one in your life is with you constantly
No one is completely on your side
And though I'd move my world to be with him
Still the gap between us is too wide
Eventually he stopped calling, and whenever I phoned him the only reply that was good enough for me was his answer machine. I began to see less and less of him, it was as if he was deliberately avoiding me, as if the mere thought of being near me disgusted him. Even during the short moments we spent together I noticed how distant he was becoming, and how he always made excuses so he could leave early. I knew something was bothering him, I didn't need my sixth sense to tell me that.
Why didn't he confide in me? Didn't he trust me? Didn't he know that I, out of all people, would understand what he was going through? If I could have shared my secret with anyone it would have been him. I wanted him to feel the same way about me, as if he felt he could tell me anything and I would still understand. We could have shared everything. Our fears, our hopes and dreams for the future, for each other. If only I had known then how closely our destinies were linked and how fate would bring us closer, but at the same time push us apart.
Looking back I could have played it differently
Won a few more moments, who can tell?
But I was ever so much younger then
Now at least I know I know him well
In the end it was fate that got in the way of my dreams, a destiny that had been decided a thousand years in the past. As he lay slumped on the floor, an ice crystal wedged cruelly in his back, I heard his words to Serena and saw her tears fall onto his still body, and I knew it was over. There would be no more late night walks in the park, no more kisses under the moonlight. I had lost him.
At first I resented Serena and her fickle heart. I couldn't see how she could love him, how her opinion of him could change so quickly. How could her feelings be so fickle, how could they change so rapidly from passionate hatred to burning love? Why should she love Darien just because she found out that he was Tuxedo Mask when she hated him so much before?
Yet I could forgive Serena, she was not to know how much I really did care for him. But Darien…how could he show such disregard for my feelings? In those moments it was almost as if he had forgotten me. I didn't understand how he could love Serena, how he could choose her over me. She was so immature, so lazy, so childish. She was everything I tried not to be, and everything I thought he hated. Maybe I was wrong. I learnt eventually that I shouldn't have tried to stand in the way of what was meant to be, it was just causing me more pain than I could handle.
Wasn't it good, wasn't he fine?
Isn't it madness he won't be mine?
Didn't I know how it would go?
If I knew from the start
Why am I falling apart?
It hurt me more than anyone to see Darien brainwashed by Queen Beryl, to see all his memories of me and the time we spent together replaced by evil thought and ambition. I had never had any problems with fighting before. I was Sailor Mars the fighter, Sailor Mars the warrior, battles were what I lived for, but after Darien became our enemy there were so many times when I thought I couldn't handle it, even though I knew I had to fight. The thought of fighting him made me physically sick although I tried so hard to hide my emotions.
I didn't want the others to see how it was making me feel, it would have been selfish of me to use him as an excuse to avoid battle. Yet it was okay for Serena to show her confusion, her fear, and I always scolded her for it. Perhaps I was jealous, envious that she was able to show the feelings I had desperately kept hidden. I knew more than any of the others what she was going through, how her feelings were fighting with her sense of duty as a Sailor Scout. I was fighting the same conflict in my own heart, although I refused to let anyone see how much I was hurting, especially Serena.
How ironic that she was the only one out of all my friends who thought to consider my feelings, the only one who realized that she wasn't the only one who was suffering. But I let her believe that it didn't matter to me, that I had forgotten about Darien, but that was about as far from the truth as life is from death.
Wasn't it good, wasn't he fine?
Isn't it madness he can't be mine?
But in the end he needs a little bit more than me
He needs his fantasies and freedom
I know him so well
It took time to understand him
I know him so well
It seems so far in the past now, so long since Darien and I were together. During that time the ache in my heart has subsided a little and I've come as close as I can to accepting the sight of him and Serena together. The jealousy I first experienced towards Serena has all but passed, and I look at Darien's photograph less often than I used to.
I consulted the sacred fire many times after he left me, it was the only way I could cope with losing him. Each time I stared into the bright orange flame I was shown the same answer and although it hurt me, I had to face up to the truth. I couldn't lie to myself any longer. Darien and I had no future together.
It's time for me to move on, to push all my precious memories to the back of my mind. I must learn to say good-bye. I finger his photo for the final time, my fingers stained with salty tears. The edges have begun to curl and the colours started to fade in the five years since it was taken. As I hold it lovingly to my chest two small tears make their way down my cheeks before I offer the photograph to the fire before me. The flames take it willingly, licking gently over his image and at last, I am able to whisper my final farewell.