A Conservative Affair
Thiamando Pavlidis
A Conservative Affair
A Political Thriller and Romance but Definitely Not a Fanfiction with Leftist Undertones
The Honourable Penny Wong held her head in her hands as the Honourable George Brandis, standing opposite her, droned on about the stimulation of jobs and growth through construction working.
The Honourable Cory Bernardi, however, was preoccupied with this thoughts.
Man, if Penny had longer hair, she and the lady who lives with her would be so hot if they started kissing. They must be really good friends if they lived together for so long.
"…and that is why we must dissolve all unions."
After what seemed like an eternity, George Brandis finished his spiel. A vote was held, but no clear majority either way. Too many abstained.
"Cory!" shouted someone from behind. Cory whipped his head around. From behind the red leather and mahogany he saw the Honourable Eric Abetz.
"Eric, my man!" he said, faking a smile. He knew what was coming.
"Your turn to talk to Hanson."
It took all of Cory Bernardi's strength not to groan outwardly. Though it was true they had similar ideologies, he found her as a person to be unbearable. That whining voice, that whole 'being-a-woman' thing… it just frustrated him.
"I had Leyonhjelm last time! Give me a break!" he said, half-joking. "Can't you get one of the sheilas to do it?"
Linda Reynolds beside him sighed. "We're in a professional environment, you could at least refer to us as women, let alone co-workers."
Cory chuckled silently to himself. Those lasses with their lady parts. She's probably menstruating, that's why she's in a bad mood.
"Nah mate, you're the last person who hasn't tried talking to her. Come on, we just need this passed. Do it for Shorten's face at the end of it. Besides, it's your Notice of Motion," Abetz had that stupid smug smile on his face. Just because he never interacts with Pauline Hanson and those other goddamn independents.
With a gruff sigh, he made his way to her seat.
Pauline Hanson brushed the crumbs off her vivid, floral dress. She was eating vanilla wafers secretly in the Senate Room. Vanilla was her favourite flavour for everything.
She was walking out the door when she heard her name called. Looking to her left, she saw a man in a dull grey suit leaning against the wall. Pauline Hanson's heart skipped a beat. She'd had a crush on Cory Bernardi ever since he'd requested and won a parliamentary inquiry into halal certification.
"Not voting on this?" he said with a velvety hum.
"Not yet. Haven't decided." She replied, feeling her cheeks flush. Her heart rate sped up.
"How about this?" he said, unfolding a piece of paper from his pocket.
'Notice of Motion', said the sans serif font printed at the top of the page. She read the rest of the page out loud.
"I give notice that, on the next day of sitting, I shall move that the following bill be introduced:
A Bill for an Act to amend the Racial Discrimination Act 1975, and for related purposes."
"So?"
"Maybe." She'd gained some confidence. "I'll need some convincing though."
She smirked. Cory cocked an eyebrow. "What kind of convincing?"
"Oh, I don't know… dinner?"
She couldn't believe she'd just said that. She tried to catch her breath, to keep her cool.
"Tonight?"
"Tonight."
It was a date.
Cory Bernardi couldn't believe he'd found himself mixed up in this. He blamed it on a long day. Parliament had only just resumed, and already Derryn Hinch was falling asleep on the job. Jacqui Lambie was comparing him to sex workers, then apologising the sex workers for the comparison. That cut deeper than he was willing to admit. Just because he had far-right political policies and intentions that regarded ethnic and sexual minorities as second-class citizens didn't mean he had no feelings. He took a deep breath and proceeded to share an article on his public Facebook page and website ("Cory Bernardi – Common sense lives here") that fit his narrative on the whole Lambie situation, all the while waiting for Hanson to show up at the pub.
Hanson had requested a hearty, true-blue Australian meal at Canberra's finest, a pub named Shorty's.
Finally, she arrived in what looked like the exact same floral number in different colours. He had to admit, magenta was a much more flattering colour on her than turquoise. It really brought out her blue eyes.
Not that he was focusing on her eyes or anything.
"Would you like some drinks to start off with?" asked the plucky waitress in black.
"I'm right just to order my meal, Cory how about you?" Hanson said. He didn't realise she was already sitting down.
"Oh! Oh, uh, I haven't had a look at the menu-" he began
"A seafood basket for two." Pauline Hanson said with great articulation. In fact, it was the most articulate he'd ever heard her. She turned to Cory and gave him a sly smile, one of her thin eyebrows raised. "I don't mess around when it comes to deep-fried seafood."
"So, how's parliament been treating you so far?" Pauline asked Cory, flirtatiously running her manicured fingers through her neon red curls. She'd taken extra care in her appearance for this night. Of course, she'd opted for her trademark kingfisher blue eyeshadow and bold, glossy lipstick but she had made sure to put more of an effort in application. Why wouldn't she? A date with Cory Bernardi wasn't something that happened often enough in her life. The two conservative powers uniting to create an unstoppable, xenophobic (she'd since Googled the meaning of that word) force, the voice of a surprising majority of people who wouldn't admit their support.
"Well, those bloody independe—uh, I mean, the female independe—uh, Jacqui Lambie has already been giving me a hard time. You know, with the whole prostitute comparison…"
"Oh, yes, that was horrible! She shouldn't have said that, what Sam Dastyari did was wrong. He shouldn't be financially supporting the Asian commies, soon enough we'll be swamped by them thanks to his donations."
"Right?!" Cory roared, suddenly filled with energy and passion. "These immigrants are stealing our jobs, soon enough we white people will become a minority, all thanks to people like him supporting their commie agendas! This is common sense!"
"Absolutely!" Pauline shouted in agreement. "We need to keep Australia an Australian nation! Maintain Australia's Australianosity!"
The two politicians realised the scene they were creating and calmed themselves down.
"So how about Wilson in the lower house crying about that wedding he wants but probably won't be likely for another year or so because of people like me? What a wuss." Cory said quietly, trying to start conversation again. "I bet he supports that Marxist Safe School Agenda. I wouldn't be surprised, his kind are prone to supporting each other."
"His kind? That's a bit homophobic, don't you think—" the waitress, who appeared beside them with their food, began, but Cory put his hand in her face to shush her.
"Shh, don't call me that." He said with a faraway look in his eyes. "I just don't get it. What's next, people marrying their dogs?" The waitress furrowed her brow and walked away without another word.
"I don't think that's quite the same, Cory—"
This time, it was Pauline's time to be hushed. Cory's fingertips brushed her lips, and suddenly she was breathless. A moment of silence passed between them.
Pauline Hanson decided to break the tension the best way she knew: taking a calamari ring and placing it on her plate.
"So… what are you doing after this?" Hanson asked.
"I… I don't know. What are you doing?" Cory was suddenly flustered. He couldn't take his eyes off the low cut of her dress. He never noticed just how low-cut it was. Eventually, he gained enough willpower to rip his eyes away from her, er, chest, and focus on her face.
"You've got something on your—" he began, but instead leaned over and dusted the corner of her lip. They were so close, their noses were almost touching. He could feel Hanson's breath on his cheeks.
He leaned in closer, their lips brushing.
Then, Cory's conscience got the better of him and he remembered the purpose of this outing.
Pauline Hanson was kissing Cory Bernardi. In a restaurant. In the open. Pauline couldn't believe it. She was kissing Cory Bernardi. The man she'd been crushing on for so long.
She felt something slide under her hands on the table.
Opening her eyes and looking down, she saw the Notice of Motion.
Oh.
Right.
Cory pulled away and whispered into her ear.
"Have I convinced you yet?"
Pauline tore her face from Cory's, pulled out a pen from her handbag and signed her name on the paper. She was still shaking with excitement.
He gave her one last peck on the cheek before taking off.
"I've got legislation to pass tomorrow, I need a good night's sleep!"
And with that and a wink, he left.
Pauline clutched her handbag to her chest and sighed like a schoolgirl fantasising about a celebrity crush. She kissed Cory Bernardi! Cory Bernardi kissed her!
That following morning, Cory Bernardi was incredibly excited to announce his Notice of Motion.
Finally, he'd stop being the 'bigoted' liberal senator Bill Shorten once called 'homophobic' in front of multiple camera crews (again, that cut deep), but to finally be known for doing something good for the country!
"Those bloody immigrants!" muttered The Honourable Tony Abbott, looking at his phone as he passed Bernardi in the hallway at Parliament House.
"Tell me about it, eh?" replied Bernardi, nodding in his direction.
"Hang on… isn't your dad an Italian immigrant?" said a familiar voice behind him. "That sounds a bit hypocritical if you ask me."
It was Labor Senator Sam Dastyari, probably still mad at Bernardi for making a big deal about his Chinese investors.
"Leave it alone, Dastyari." He said. "Wasn't Lambie enough? Now you have to get your own revenge?"
"This isn't about that… issue. This is about you being hypocritical. Now tell me, isn't your father an Italian immigrant? That's what your Wikipedia says."
Politicians were making a circle around them now, observing the fight. Nick Xenophon even had his phone out, videoing the fiasco.
"Hold on just a second… aren't you an immigrant?" said a voice from behind the crowd.
People parted left and right to reveal Pauline Hanson in a black floral dress.
"Yes Pauline, we've been through this before. Remember Q&A?" Dastyari replied with exasperation.
"Well, why are you asking him about his immigrant background when you obviously have one yourself?" she said "I'm pretty sure that's hypocritical too."
"That's not what I was say—" Dastyari began, but Hanson was quick to cut him off.
"Don't be so rude to Cory just because he exposed your communist dealings."
"You're completely missing the poi—"
"Go back to doing whatever else it was doing, and leave Cory alone!"
Sam Dastyari rolled his eyes, held his hands in the air and walked away. There were a few snickers in the crowd, but everyone was quick to disperse and go about with their own business.
"Pauline, you didn't have to do that…" Bernardi said, looking deep into her eyes.
"I did it for you. What we have is something special."
"Pauline, I have a wife and children. Google me, it comes up on the search page. We can't keep doing this." for some reason, it hurt Cory Bernardi to tell her this. "I only wanted you to sign the Notice of Motion."
This last sentence hit Hanson hard. The hurt in her eyes was obvious.
"So… you played with my feelings to get me to sign your stupid paper?!" she said, almost shouting.
"No, well, yes, but—"
"Forget it!" she snarled.
As Pauline Hanson turned away and walked to the senate room, something shattered within Cory Bernardi that day.
Was it his pride? His confidence?
Or was it his heart?
NOTES
Playlist
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