­­­Title: Stay the Hell Away from my Daughter
Universe: Bleach
Theme/Topic: April Fools Crack Exchange
Rating: PG-13 for swearing up and down the walls.
Character/Pairing/s: lightly HitsugayaxYachiru, Kenpachi, Ikkaku, Yumichika
Warnings/Spoilers: No spoilers I can think of, but blatant OOCness and silliness.
Word Count: 2,690
Time: three or four hours for draft one. I didn't even bother to count edits. O.o
Summary: Hitsugaya courts Yachiru and Kenpachi doesn't approve.
Dedication: For nuevayuimaxwell (Nueva).
A/N: The prompt was:

CHARACTER(S)/PAIRING/THREESOME: Hitsugaya/Yachiru

OPTIONAL PROMPT: Yachiru has some questions about what Ken-chan might be doing in his room at night and asks Hitsugaya about it.

SMUT Y/N: NO

And so here I am. XD
Disclaimer: Not mine, though I wish constantly.
Distribution: Just lemme know.

Hitsugaya stops by the eleventh division headquarters in the evenings after work when he's got time, has been doing so for the past few years, really. Ever since she'd shot up a couple of inches and got, as Yumichika put it, "quite beautiful."

Well, whatever. Stupid white-haired brat was just a bunch of walking teenage hormones as far as Kenpachi was concerned—barely came up to Ikkaku's nose now but still had the attitude to show up unannounced day after day for the past couple of years, sniffing 'round Yachiru simply on account of the fact that she'd gotten less puny over the course of 'em.

Kenpachi should have been used to it by now because of that maybe, used to the way that Yachiru would grin and bound up to the twerp, stopping just short and looking up at the other teen with big, excited eyes.

Shit like that's been going on for a few years now, after all.

Kenpachi is not used to it.

Kenpachi ain't never gonna be used to it.

"I'll be in my room," he mutters, glaring at the upstart kid before whirling around and going to lock himself up somewhere so Yachiru won't get pouty at him for being mean to 'Shirou-chan' again.

Last time she got pissy about that she'd refused to talk to him for a good damn week.

He'd been pretty much okay with that though. Mostly.

It was when she'd gone 'n hid his damn beer that he learned he was just better off avoiding the whole situation as is. Head on, anyway.

So he ambles off to his room with only a vague look of disgust at that white-haired hollow-bait before leaving the room completely.

Ikkaku's supposed to be keeping an eye on the brats anyway, all surreptitious-like from the window. Minute 'Shirou-chan' does something can be construed as perverted; Kenpachi's got first rights to kill his ass dead for it.

He allows himself a little grin at that— ain't gotta be in the room the whole time to know what the hell's goin' on, after all. The eyes and ears he's got in here don't gotta be attached to his head for him to be watchin' 'n listenin' all the same.

Yachiru watches Kenpachi sigh and leave the room, undoubtedly going to his own quarters again, to do whatever it is he does whenever Shirou-chan comes to visit her for a few hours.

"Na, Shirou-chan," she starts, brow furrowing after a moment. "What d'ya suppose Ken-chan does all locked up in his room while we're spendin' time together?"

Hitsugaya sighs at that, because he'd much rather she didn't think about that big glowering mountain of a father of hers when he's here to see her especially, but the young man has learned that one of the few things she won't tolerate is he and Zaraki being directly mean to each other. "I dunno. Maybe he gets bored watching us play and he went off to play with himself," he says impatiently.

Then winces.

He knows he's been hanging around Mastumoto too long when he says shit like that without thinking.

Luckily, she doesn't get it really, because despite the fact that he'd exposed her to all sorts of sadistic violence and death over the years, if there's one thing Zaraki has managed to shield her from, it's the perverts. Mostly because they die before they get a word in.

"Playing what with himself?" she asks, sweetly.

Hitsugaya makes a face. It's even worse when she says it, somehow. "He's probably, er, playing by himself," he corrects. "Cards or something, maybe."

Yachiru giggles. "He doesn't like playing cards all alone! Ain't nobody to punch but himself when he accuses 'em of cheating. No fun there."

If she wasn't so damn cute about everything, Hitsugaya thinks he'd be sort of disturbed by her outlook on life.

But she smiles nice and he doesn't have to treat her like he's got to protect her, which, he supposes, is Matsumoto's fault again, because ever since he'd crushed on his vice-captain back when he was little, he's never really been able to get over his fixation with strong women.

He's about to suggest that they don't talk about Kenpachi anymore because it's not really his idea of fun, but before he can say anything she pounces on his back, eyes shimmering mirth. "Ne, what else could Ken-chan be doing, hmm?"

And by the look on her face alone he realizes that this is the game for the night.

Well, he supposes he might as well take advantage of it.

Knowing that their big bald chaperone is lurking somewhere around, Toushirou smirks and leans back slightly, shoving playfully against Yachiru's slight weight. "Dunno. Maybe he's playing with that big baldy guy of yours instead? They could be playing with each other, couldn't they?"

There's a badly muffled, choked sound of disbelief from the other side of the window at that. Snickering internally, Hitsugaya sees a flash of light reflecting off of Madarame's cranium as the other man snarls from outside, the last of the waning sunlight bouncing off his head rather tellingly despite his efforts to stay hidden.

Yachiru of course, had already known that Ikkaku had been hiding out there and isn't surprised in the least after he suddenly reveals himself. The pretty vice-captain simply turns and blinks dully at Toushirou. "Baldy 's right there," she tells him, poking the white-haired boy in the arm so he'll stop being sly with her.

"Fuck this," Ikkaku can be heard murmuring, before he stands and storms off towards his captain's chambers, shouting "Taichou! I'm gonna just kill the short bastard now, yeah? Lemme just kill him now, I promise I'll clean up after myself and ain't nobody gotta know we was the ones who got him!" as he goes.

Yachiru giggles. "Baldy's silly."

Hitsugaya's flattered enough by her assessment that a big stupid third-chair like Ikkaku wouldn't stand a chance against him that he doesn't even feel the slightest bit pissed at Madarame's inaccurate assessment of the disparities in their skill levels.

Or even the snipe against his height.

"If Ikkaku killed ya, it'd leave a big mess everywhere!" she finishes, nodding.

Oh.

He supposes though, that another part of her charm is that he never knows what she's going to say next.

"Next guess!" she announces, hugging him again. "Make it a good one this time, Shirou-chan."

"Hmmm…Zaraki-tacihou is… playing with Ayasegawa-san in his room?"

She blinks at that. "Boo. You know that Ken-chan says Frilly-brows ain't allowed in his room or any room that Ken-chan's in 's got a bed in it when it's just the two of 'em." She looks thoughtful. "Don't know why that is, though."

Hitsugaya can hazard a guess as to why Zaraki has that specific policy, but he doesn't say anything about it out loud because then he'd probably have to explain the whole thing to her. That would be awkward.

"Um… maybe he's in his room napping?" he suggests, out of options really, at this point.

"Naw," Yachiru responds, waving the suggestion off. "Ken-chan already had his nap this afternoon, when he was writin' his reports!"

Well, that just figures.

"Any other guesses, Shirou-chan?"

Toushirou sighs at that, kind of tired of the game already, especially now that they've driven their not-so-subtle bald chaperone away. He thinks he'd like to maybe kiss her sometime soon, and given that no one's watching right now it seems like a good idea…

"Good evening, you adorable, adorable little children!"

The door bursts open like it had been waiting for Hitsugaya to have that exact thought just so it could ruin it, and Yumichika flutters into the room with a flourish, a tray of tea and snacks balanced in his hands as he beams at the pair of teens seated on the floor.

Toushirou frowns. Children, eh? Subtle.

"Oh, fukutaichou," the fifth murmurs after a moment, when he sees Yachiru draped all over Hitsugaya's back like she is. "You shouldn't sit like that, it's very unladylike, ne? And I'm sure Shirou-chan doesn't appreciate the extra weight after a long day in the office," he chastises, smiling in a way that makes Hitsugaya even more wary of this man than he is of Kenpachi, even when the huge captain is glaring pointedly at him.

Yachiru pouts but obeys, standing up to go and have some of the treats Yumichika brought with him. "Ne, Yumi?" she asks, plucking a cookie from the tray before he's ready to serve.

He gives her a vaguely reprimanding look at her haste (not polite after all), but lets her get away with it just this once. "Yes, fukutaichou?"

"What's Ken-chan doin' in his room all by himself right now?"

Yumi twitters. "What, you mean the young gentleman hasn't been able to make an accurate guess yet?" he asks coolly, pouring everyone a cup of tea.

Toushirou blinks at the other man's specific choice of words—where had he been eavesdropping from this whole time?

Yachiru lets it go without further thought (perhaps she's just used to this sort of thing from the vaguely scary pretty-man or something), and responds with an emphatic, slightly disappointed "Nope!" before taking a bite out of her sweet. "His guesses are all boring."

Hitsugaya frowns at that. They wouldn't be as boring if she knew anything at all about perverted stuff.

He blinks.

Can't believe he just thought that.

Making a mental note, he tells himself he'll complain to Matsumoto about it first thing tomorrow. She should take responsibility for ruining him for polite conversation forever, after all.

"Er, no, I haven't got any really interesting suggestions. Or interest," the white-haired captain responds after a moment, accepting the tea though he'd really rather that the two of them be left alone again.

But men like Ayasegawa are more difficult to run off than men like Madarame, and over the years, Toushirou has learned to acknowledge that, though he'll never really appreciate it.

Best to just drink his tea like a polite guest and not try to get rid of the pretty fifth seat (blatantly anyway), on account of the fact that the last time he'd attempted such an endeavor they'd—somehow—managed to enter into a really disturbing conversation about puberty and how awkward little Shirou-chan must have felt all the time, being at that age.

It's odd; the tenth division captain can't help but think. It seems that even though Zaraki has long since left the two of them alone here, he's still got eyes (or an eye, as the case may be) everywhere.

Notably in his seated officers.

Though he wouldn't put it past the abnormally large muscle-head to put more subtle people in his place for such a delicate type of situation, people who wouldn't earn Yachiru's wrath upon their beers for thwarting Hitsugaya's progress here.

But that can't be. Zaraki and company aren't tactful enough to pull off stuff like that, he thinks. They're not a division known for strategy so much as brute force, after all.

Except looking back, he wonders about the fact that even when he and Yachiru are taking walks outside (as they sometimes do), it feels like there are many eyes on them, the eleventh division flunkies they pass lounging around the yard perhaps watching them with surprising vigilance even behind dark sunglasses and lazy-eyed nonchalance.

Or maybe he's just paranoid.

Zaraki isn't the type of man who would leave things as important as his vice-captain in the hands of the numerous idiots in his division, after all.

Toushirou's heard how Kenpachi talks about the lower ranks in the eleventh. Even as incensed as the big captain may be at Hitsugaya's visits, he wouldn't sink so low as to recruit his hooligans to keep an eye on the pink-haired girl…would he?

"Is something the matter, Shirou-chan?" Yumichika murmurs from over the rim of his tea cup, looking at once overly concerned and smugly arch.

"No," Toushirou responds, resenting the expression on the fifth chair's face because it makes him feel like everyone knows something he doesn't.

Yumichika smiles. "More tea anyone?"

-----

Later, after Yumichika sees Toushirou off at the gate—nice young man when he's being watched like a hawk—the fifth chair makes his way to Zaraki's room with Ikkaku, fresh tray of tea and cookies in hand.

He lets the bald shinigami knock for them. "Oi, taichou!" Ikkaku calls, waiting for a second before pushing into the door.

Zaraki eyes them, motioning them in with one hand, main attention focused on the communication device he's got in his ear.

"Taichou…reportin' down from 'bout twenty-eight or so paces from main gate o' the tenth division headquarters, sir."

"Go ahead," the big captain grunts. "Brat's ETA?"

"Openin' the gates now, sir…steppin' in. 'm gonna transfer ya to Sagashita inside."

Another grunt. "Er, good work, Murakami. Um. Wait fer further instruction, I s'pose. Probably be relieved by Kanisawa 'round 'bout midnight."

"Yessir. Er, over'n out."

Kenpachi waits for a second after Murakami signs off his link, before switching the channel. "Er… Kashima… you there?"

"Yessir, sir."

"What's Yachiru's ETA?"

"Gone to wash up for bed sir, spot-checked the bathroom for any boys 'fore hand, should be good to go."

"Right. Good then. Um… keep me posted."

"Ah, yessir, sir. Over'n out, sir."

Yumichika smiles and pours everyone more tea as Kenpachi, for the moment, removes his com-link from his ear and turns to take the offered cup. "See, taichou? I told you learning how to use those would be so much more useful," the fifth chair twitters, happily.

Kenpachi makes a face at the smug bastard but doesn't try to deny him anything, figuring that this is a sight more Yachiru-friendly than constantly glowering at her'n her stupid snot-nosed brat from the corner of the same room had been, 'specially because it don't get his beer thrown away when she's in a mood about it afterwards.

This is all…clandestine like, he supposes.

Though it had been a bitch to figure those damned tiny little pieces of demon-technology out the first few months he'd had 'em. Must have broken at least ten sets of the little shits while he'n the rest of the eleventh were learning how to use them right'n proper.

Pretty damn useful now that he knows how though, he has to admit.

Next month Akon's promised him he's gonna get the latest models of those special tracking devices he's been workin' on finalized for implant. The moment he does, he's takin' Yachiru down to the fourth division for a physical and havin' one of the quacks there put it in her when she's not lookin'. No joke.

Though once he gets it, it, might be just as difficult to figure that new shit out as the rest of the Research and Tech department's highfalutin' gadgetry had been, but all Zaraki has to do is think about that midget captain's puny, stupid face (and the way Yachiru looks at him) before the eleventh division leader is convinced it'll be worth the effort.

Only one thing in the 'verse that could drive Zaraki Kenpachi forcibly into the technological age, after all.

Though he's still convinced that if he could get away with just killing the smug little fucker out in the backyard like a dog that's gotta be beat, it would make everyone's lives easier. Elegant in its simplicity or somethin' like that.

'Cuz as great as all the new technology is, ain't none of it out there yet, can kill the white-haired short stack as good as the good old fashioned way could.

But, you never know, he supposes. All the shit they're coming out with lately? Maybe the time for that ain't so far off as he thinks.

Hell, maybe he'll even run that idea by Akon on his own someday soon. Somethin' in the way of a "High-tech-perverted-teenager-with-too-much-attitude-bug-zapper" or something.

Yeah.

That'd be real snazzy.

Hell, they get something like that; everyone would be in their rights to call Kenpachi a regular tech whiz after he got his hands on it.

END