Blending Colors
He cross the keyboard-like concreted ground, sound of buzzing horn reverberates in the air. When he looked to his side, a dazzling light pierced through his eyes. And everything is black.
White~Gray~Black
The whiteness of the endless realm blinded his eyes. Where is he? No idea. But everything around him is in all white.
"What are you doing here?" He jump up, surprised by the sound of voice behind him. When he turned around, he found a little girl who is in her childhood age. Innocent aqua eyes, a tealette in twin ponytails, wearing a simple white dress. "You shouldn't be here." She continued and when their eyes meet he had a feeling growing inside of him. A feeling that he can't describe. Did she meet this little girl somewhere? But there was this feeling.
"Wh―"
"You're not dead." She cut him blandly.
"Then am I..."
"You're not dreaming either. You're just unconscious that's why you are here." Quietly she said, the calmness can be seen from her face. "Honestly!" She sighed. "Anyway, since you're here. I'll show you around." Warmly, she smiled at him taking his big hand to her small one's and pulled him for a walk. Though nothing change around, only the whiteness remained as they walk.
"Uhmn… w-where are we going?" He finally asked, she didn't answer him but continue to walk in this endless white. There's no sound of their footstep either. And the warmth of the little girl's hand to him seems like a nostalgic feelings, it made him remember to a―
"We're here." The little girl let go of his hand and starred into his eyes. "I'm going to show you my favorite place." As she held the doorknob of the door that appeared out of no where.
As she opened the door, a bright light welcomed them revealing a greenery scene. Tall grasses and high trees, not a single cloud could be seen in a blue sky, and the heat of the sun is lukewarm. He breathed in to the scenery in front of him. as he breathed out heavy feelings remained in his chest.
"I used to play here with that dear person every spring would come." She looked up to him with a smile on her face. "And deep in the forest, there is a flower field who only bloom in the night!" And she held his hand again to walk inside the forest. "We chased around here, playing tug and hide and seek, sometimes, finding the biggest beetle and let them fight to each other to know who is the stronger." She laugh at the memory.
Strange. Every word that came out from her mouth plays a reel in his mind. He could see the little girl in his mind playing with that dear person of her. They laugh, they play, they run up the hill catching some dragonflies, they looked up the same blue sky talking about their tomorrows.
"But it's too bad, the flower tonight will not bloom." She said in a sad voice but she showed him a brave smile.
He kneeled one leg to level her height. "Don't worry, if it wont bloom tonight then we can wait tomorrow." He tried to calm her but she was already calm. A saddened calm.
"No." And she looks ahead, her gaze straightened to the field of unblooming flower surrounded by trees and wild grasses. "They will not also bloom tomorrow and the next day and so on," Her eyes glisten with tears.
"Then if it will not bloom this year, then we can wait for another year to come." He smiled in assurance in order for the little girl not to cry but she only shook her head, weaving her twin tails.
"A storm will come and it will destroy all these flowers and they will never bloom again. Ever."
He couldn't find any comforting words. What the little girl said made him sad too. These flowers who are the witnessed of their promise had gone too. It make his stomach curled a hundred times. She smiled, a bitter kind of smile. She wiped her eyes with her hand before the tears will fall down.
"Despite of all, this is my favorite place yet it brings a lot of sad memories. Ironic isn't it?" Still wearing that kind of beautiful and painful smile. "Let's leave this place, a storm will come."
She turned around starting to walk away, leaving him behind. He only kneeled one leg there, in front of the flower field like he was rejected by a marriage proposal. The heavy feelings in his chest is weighing him down, unable for him to stand up and walk away. The little girl could no longer be seen in the sight. A strong wind gushes in makes all the petals of the unbloom flowers blown away along the leaves of the trees, the wild grasses arched down to their roots. And there he was, still couldn't move shielding his eyes with his arms by the strong wind. Everything swooped in black.
Gray~Black
And he is back in the white place, not so white anymore but a little murky, or grayer. Eyes widened in horror as he looked around. He stood up, turning round and round. The greenery scene could no longer be seen and he was still searching for it. To protect the flowers, to…
"You must not look back." Once again the little girl appeared. "It will only make you sad. And that sadness will only bring you into a downfall."
She gazed at him, eyes in forlorn. "Where did all start?" More like a statement than a question.
To level her height, he kneeled one leg again and held her in the shoulders carefully as if he would break her in pieces.
"I-I..." He can't find any words to say it.
"Enough. Everything you've done is enough." She put her small hand in his cheeks.
"No…" He lay down his head in her small shoulder.
The grayness around them slowly gets darker and darker like a black clouds forming in the sky. And it rains, a heavy rain both of them soaked. There's no coldness, no warmth either.
"Look." said the little girl as she point in the distance, he lifted his head and followed her pointing finger.
Traffic light shows the sign for standby, and beside it two persons standing both holding each an umbrella. The one holding the orange umbrella looks familiar to him. The blond hair, tied in a low ponytail, wearing a faded yellow knitted long sleeve sweater pair with a black jeans and a black converse. Tears falling from his eyes as he held his other hand to the person under the green-white stripe umbrella. He was crying at that person, begging not to leave him.
"Len," came a broken voice under the said umbrella. "Please... it's not important anymore and it's already enough. It doesn't matter."
"No! I wont accept it! We've come this far from everything. Just like before, we have to face this toge―"
"Enough!" As the umbrella fell down to the ground, revealing a teal haired woman that was soaked by the downpour wearing a blue blazer beneath a white shirt with a black skirt down to her knees with a pair of black converse. Tears is visible in her wet face despite of the rain.
He, who is watching them on the other side. Eyes were wide open as he was stupefied for a moment. He slowly turned his head back to the little girl in front of him were his hands rest in her shoulders. She was still looking at him with those sorrowful eyes.
They really look similar, no. They were the same person. How could he not know it? That this little girl who was with him this entire time was his important dear person. The person he didn't want to leave, the person who is the meaning of his life.
"This is when your world stops moving. You didn't know what to do as she walks away from you. That you didn't even get enough sleep, you have no appetite to eat and you started to shut yourself away from the people who was still there for you."
He gasped for air that he didn't know that he was holding his breath all this time but he was still suffocating by the heavy feelings around his chest as if he was being choked.
"When they encountered an obstacle, hardships and frustrations together they easily overcome it. But still she couldn't be saved from anything. Surely, when she was with you, she subdued everything but when she's alone it all came back to her."
And the fallen umbrella was already forgotten as the owner ran away when the traffic light changes sign. He followed her but still unable to catch up with her. He is a slow runner, he had a low stamina, he easily get tired. He stopped, gasping for air and then he run again but it's too late. She was already gone. The next day comes, he tried to contact her, to meet up with her, to talk with her, to fixed things but nothing happened. As days passed by trying his all might to see her, he received a news that she died last night.
He didn't even bothered to find out how she died for he had already the idea why, who, and how. But still, he blames himself. If only he was stronger, he was courageous, he had enough authority… if only he could catch up with her. Then, now… would be… no. If only he could turn back the hand of the clock and change everything and start all over again. But it's too late.
Without realizing, he made walls around his world. That even him couldn't even tear it down, couldn't even understand it and couldn't even accept it that she will never coming back. He will never going to feel the warmth of her hand, the softness of her lips, her beautiful smile, her lovely voice that sounds like a melody in his ears. And everything about her.
Black
"You've cry enough until there was no tears left to be cried. Your love dies along with her, and only remain is the promise you made with her in that forest that will never going to happen. An empty promised." As she cupped him in the cheeks, wiping his tears with her thumb. "This not the end, you can still live a new life without her." She smiled, a very beautiful smile. Tears brimming in her eyes, controlling not to fall them in her pale cheeks.
"Why?" The only question floating in his mind. "Why did it have to be this way? You could have just marry me just like what we promised but you… you…" Tears blurred in his sight that the little girl is no longer there, but a grown up beautiful woman. Legs folded in the ground as he was still in one leg kneeled, hands never moves in her slender shoulder. Her silky hair hangs down in her back.
"When you left me, my world goes on without a meaning. I tried to find you and save you and yet… you didn't believed in me as I believed in you…" He cried and cried like a lost child and she only watched him with those melancholy eyes.
"Even if you can save me from the reality, to run away with it but you can never save me from the truth, you can never hide it from me. Even if we became a happy married couple, those bad things will remain to me as a nightmare that you can't wake me up. Even if my step father will die in a heart attack, he will still back to hunt me. Even if the police will never release him in the prison, he will always be there to hurt me, to beat me up, to punish me, to throw things at me. Len, you still have a beautiful life ahead. Being with me will only brings you a life time burden. That's why I choose to go, just for your sake." Still controlling her tears as she try not to sob.
"No, you don't understand." He tried to speak with all those tears and lack of air because of crying. Its so hard to breathed being drowned by tears and emotions.
"Yes, I don't understand even though I did." She caressed his cheeks with her hands, wiping the tears away. "We spent the days like a precious moment not knowing how came to an end so fast like it was all just yesterday. I didn't forget the promise we made that will never going to happen. With these walls, I'm going to take it away along with your sad feelings with the promise we made. So you can continue walking on this life that I drew along with you." Tears finally falling down from her eyes. All those times and days that she tried to be brave in front of him, not showing any weakness to him, the hold back tears, finally falls down like a streaming river.
He embraced her, enveloped by his weak and trembling arms. There was no warmth, only the unfrequented touch. He will never letting go, never to set free without her.
He is her life, there will be no colors and meaning if she is not by his side. He loved her more than his own life. She'll be the sunrise, the stars in his monochrome life. But there will always be sunset and sometimes there will be no stars at night.
She closed her eyes as her lips touched to his. Erasing the sad feelings, drying the tears and the promise was left all forgotten like there was no vows had made. And the dimmed world starts to collapsed, stirs in black.
xxx
He wakes up with a very long tired body lays in a soft mattress. His heavy eyelids opened with a blurry sight and only the beeping sounds of machine welcomed to his ears. He grunted, trying to move his dead weight hands that had a connecting wires leads to a dextrose.
"Len?!" A voice came from his side and held his hands gently.
"Rin?" Moving his head to the left side and saw his sister almost in a verge of crying.
"Thank god you wake up! Thank god! Thank god." As she keeps on repeating the words for her answered prayer.
"W-what happen?"
"What happen?! You simply just crossed the road without looking to the right and left that you didn't see any car that was coming to your way." She stood up angrily at him. "Did you try to kill your self?!" Just a moment ago she was so emotional and right now she is angry.
"Bastard, you made me worry." And she settle back to the chair.
"I'm sorry, I never intended to die..." Or did he? Surely at that time, something caught on his eye across the road where a vendor selling some flowers that remind him of her. He only thought of buying one as he subconsciously cross the road without looking around.
"You better not, never!" Glaring at him. She help him sitting up in the mattress, by resting his back at the metal head of the hospital bed.
"I'm sorry okay? Promise, never doing it." He forced a smile at her that makes him look weird and she laugh at him.
"What so funny?" He asked quizzically.
"Nothing, its just that you smiled in a while. And you looked very weird in it. Haha... welcome back little brother." She stood up and gave him a hug.
In a while? It's been really in a while, feels like something in his chest weight off and he feel really light. He realized that these past few months he was too preoccupied, trying to busy himself with work to death that he never smile. He sigh inwardly letting be embraced by his sister. He did really worry the people around him.
"Before I forgot." Letting go of him as she sat down in the chair, grabbing her bag at the bedside table and pick something in her bag.
"I got this letter from a long time ago, like we were kids and I found this when I was cleaning our house in the country side when I saw this again remembering that I had a promise to give this when you are an adult. I thought there was no point in giving this to you but..." She sighed. "I promised her to give this to you if ever you end up marrying her or not." As she held the envelope-paper in her hands that had some childish drawings. His eyes glued on the said letter.
"This letter is from Miku, she wrote this when one day both of you came home together in your expedition in the forest hill. She said that I'll give this to you when we were grown-ups, she didn't even give a specific date or something and I thought that it will be a long time so I hide this and too lucky I didn't lost it." And she handed the letter to him.
He examined the letter in his hands, her child-like writing feel so nostalgic, tender feelings rose inside him. He couldn't smile nor make any reaction. He only starred at the envelope-paper in his hands.
"I've really wanted to read the contents but I can't betray Miku's innocent promise. She was always there, claiming that her place is always on your side. Helping you with all her might just to make you smile even though she had her own problems to face. I couldn't blame her." She smiled at the memories. She witnessed everything from when they were young until they grow up together and to that day. The smile on her face turn into a frown when she remember about her death.
She starred in the white blanket as if burning it with her eyes. "I have news for you." Still starring at the blanket in the mattress. "About Miku's step father."
He tensed up when he heard her clearly. He looked up to her with a heavy heartbeat.
"That bastard died from a heart attack inside of the jail." She snorted, finally looking at him. "Never heard he had a weak heart when from the beginning he doesn't really have one."
He couldn't find any words to say at the news. He had this 50% inside of him saying he deserved it and 50% saying he should face his sins for the rest of his life inside of that jail. But it doesn't matter anymore. What is done is already done.
"I think I should call a doctor." Rin stood up, leaving him alone in that hospital bed to have his own peace of mind.
His attention went back on the envelope-paper in his hand. Carefully opening it as if it was fragile, when he opened it, scent of dried flowers welcomed to his nose. Inside of it there's the letter neatly folded along with the dried wild flowers that they discover in that forest. He reached for the folded paper and set aside the paper envelope in the bedside table. When he unfold the letter, familiar childish hand-written made him smile.
Watching the form of letters in the paper, turning into a sentence that turns a paragraph. This is the first letter that he ever received from her. He ran across his palm in the letter that made him smile genuinely. Everything about her made him smile like this even now that she's no longer her to be with him
Dearest future Len,
Where are you right now? What kind of 'Len' have you become? Did you became happy? Or sad? Have you become the 'Len' I want that can love himself? Did you become that kind of 'Len' who can love somebody?
You may effortlessly throw away
everything and anything at the moment, unable to become friends with the other kids, always having a fight with your only sister and trust issues with the grown ups. Even if you don't have that kind of courage today, its alright to still go on. All this time I know that you concealed your true heart, you even lied to yourself. I know you can make through of this, just believed in yourself. Because I know that the future 'Len' is much stronger than the current now that's why I should be by his side to be his strength. Did the future 'Len' still relaying on the future 'me'? That means, he can't live without me. You're a grown up now. Things will be hard even the current you today is still trying his best.
Right now, he is working towards being you. He maybe a crybaby but I know someday he will be brave enough to face everything just like you. I promised to marry him when we grow up but my mother once said no one knows what the future may bring even in the mutual promises. I hope I ended up marrying you because it would be very nice. I love the current Len now but I don't know about the future. Did the future 'me' still love the future 'Len'? I'm sure, she still love you and would do everything just for her important dear person.
To the 'future Len' everything in there is not just filled with fun and happy things, but also filled with sad things too. If the future 'me' didn't end up with the future 'Len' then all I have to do is to cherish every moment with the current Len now. I'll make him cry many times, walk with him, held his hands until we grow up becoming to where you are now.
I want you to remember that I'm still here the young 'me' to cheer you up, just look back and I know you'll be smiling but not in the crowded places they might think you're weird. You did just laugh didn't you? I love the current Len and the future Len. Always and will be, even if we're three meters away.
Lovingly yours,
Miku in the past
After reading the letter, he didn't know what sort of expression he should show.
It made him teary, yet at the same time it made him smile. Something moves within in his heart. A new light, illuminating the shades of colors to his new world, to his new life.
A better start from all the pains and sadness that was brought by the yesterday's event.
Reading the letter has healed his heart. The promise they'd made for the future will not be gone, but it will be a memory that flows through time and floats through a great distance.
Even you already let go of my hand and goes to a distant place, you will always have a place in my heart.