Author's Note/Disclaimer: Don't own it. This was a story that grew out of a request that one of my f-listers made. It started out as a drabble involving Sirius and his three cousins, and steadily grew longer and more crackified until it reached its final form. That said, this is clearly not intended to be a serious (forgive the pun) fic.

Black Family Values

Sirius was bored. Utterly, completely, and positively bored. He was bored to a degree that could hardly even be quantified by the sixty-three tutors who had the misfortune of being hired by his parents to teach him mathematics and manners. He was simply that bored.

It might be safe to say that he was rather upset as well. After all, the wonderful wizarding circus only came to London one week each year. There were three hundred and fifty eight other days in the year, any of which could be chosen by his parents if they wanted to punish him for misbehaving. But the whole universe always had to conspire and align itself against him, with the regrettable result of forcing him to watch his little brother have all the fun.

Not that Regulus ever had any fun. His six year old brother was clearly too dense to ever come close to understanding just how wonderful the wizarding circus really and truly was. He, Sirius, would have been so much more appreciative of it all, yet he was the one stuck at home with his three cousins, with nothing better to do than watching dust swirl.

It was all just so unfair.

But life was unfair. Wasn't that what one of the tutors said, right before she ran crying to his mother to hand in her resignation? Maybe the fussy old woman had been right about something after all.

Well, no matter how unfair life happened to be, it wasn't about to get the best of Sirius Black. He'd just have to figure out how to beat it at its own game. He sighed and gave one of the chairs a vigorous kick. The wood cracked but did not break. Just like his spirit, Sirius thought bitterly. Just like his spirit.

He sat down on an undamaged chair and tried to remember what the tutors had said about manners and the way to win other people's good graces. He couldn't be sure, but he had an inkling that it involved doing nice things for other people and worrying about something called ethics. Maybe if he did some nice and ethical things, then his parents would take him to the circus before it left town.

Yes, that was what he'd do.

He set about trying to think of something nice to do, and a full hour passed before he realized that his immoral nature, which never failed to rise to the occasion when some mischief was to be had, was completely inadequate when it came to devising an act of kindness. A lesser man might have given up at this point, but Sirius of course would not let such a trivial thing stop him. Didn't that same tutor say that girls had a much stronger sense of ethics than boys? Well, he was a strong believer in never doing anything himself if he could make someone else do it for him.

Sirius jumped out of his chair with a suddenly renewed sense of purpose. Yes, he'd ask his cousins what to do. He glanced at the clock and flipped through his mental rolodex. It was only slightly after noon, and he knew exactly where each of his cousins could be found.

Bellatrix was lounging in the large leather armchair in her father's study, drawing designs on her arm with a large gold quill. Sirius watched her for a while and decided that she must be even more bored than him if she found constantly redrawing those designs with disappearing ink the least bit entertaining. "Why do you keep redrawing those things?" he finally felt pressed to ask. "Wouldn't it be better to draw them with real ink?"

His cousin raised an eyebrow. "What do you know?" she muttered dismissively. "And shouldn't you be sulking or destroying the drawing room? You're disappointing me, Sirius. I was expecting a fine show tonight after your parents and mine come home."

He shook his head. "No, I've decided that I want to do something good," he declared. "And ethical."

Bellatrix looked incredulous. "Do you even know what that means?" she asked.

"Not really," he replied cheerfully. "That's why I'm here. Do you know?"

She was naturally loathe to admit that she didn't know something. Sirius liked that about her, knowing that she would try her hardest to answer any bizarre question he might have if he challenged her omniscience. "I suppose," she said after giving it much thought, "that it means you make someone better off in some way."

"Okay, but how do I know what I'm doing is ethical or not?"

"Ethical is such an overused and overanalyzed word," she spat, making a face. "It's really very simple. Just take it from me. As long as you think what you're doing is ethical, then it is. And as long as you think you're helping someone, then you're doing something ethical."

"So I don't have to care what other people might think?"

Bellatrix looked affronted that he would ask so obvious a question. "No, of course not. Now get out."

He found Andromeda in the library, her nose buried in a large black book. She looked up immediately when he entered, a brief spasm of fear flitting across her face before she saw who it was. "Oh, it's you Sirius," she sighed in relief. "You gave me quite a scare there. And you don't look upset at all about missing the circus! And here Bella was saying that she expected you to sulk into next month at the very least. I'm quite proud of you."

"You're right, Andy," he agreed. "You know me better than Bella ever could. In fact, I've decided that I want to do something good and ethical, so I came especially to ask for your help."

His cousin smiled happily. Sirius liked that about her, knowing that she would fulfill any of his requests if he mentioned that she was in any way better than her older sister. "Well Sirius," she instructed him, "just remember to always look at it from the other person's point of view. It's only ethical if you're doing something the other person would actually like."

"But doesn't what I like matter at all?"

"Sure it does, but what's more important is what they like. After all, you are trying to make someone else happy, right?"

No, it was clearly about making himself happy by way of going to the wizarding circus, but he declined to mention that point. "What are you reading today?" he asked.

"Oh, it's a do-it-yourself vampire romance novel."

He had never heard of such a thing, which sure sounded like it might land on the more ridiculous side of things. "What's that?"

"It's exactly what it sounds like," she said. "You get to insert yourself into the story and change whatever you'd like. You get to pick the plot and the setting, and you even get to pick what the man…err vampire of your dreams looks like."

Sirius was suddenly extremely glad that he didn't have any self-restraint or he'd be in a lot of pain keeping his face straight at the moment. "And what did you pick?" he asked out of curiosity.

She sighed happily. "Oh, a tall and tanned blond on some remote tropical island covered with sparkling shrubberies."

"But vampires don't tan," he pointed out.

Andromeda instantly blushed a deep red and clutched the book to her chest. "It's a vampire romance novel!" she cried. "It doesn't have to make sense!"

"And how are vampires at all interesting? They always look awfully dead and pasty to me," he continued. "Now if it was about werewolves, then I'd understand. Werewolves are fierce."

"Oh what do you know?" she exclaimed. "Now get out."

He found Narcissa in her mother's bedroom, poring over jars of scented creams and potions, occasionally dabbing a bit of their contents on her face. "Hello Sirius," she said when she spotted his reflection in the mirror. "Bored, are you?"

"Bored enough that I actually want to do something good, if I only knew how," he muttered, throwing himself onto his aunt Druella's poufy bed.

"How very noble of you," she remarked.

"So could you help me think of something nice and ethical to do?"

"And why should I do that?"

"Well, both Bella and Andy already tried, but they only confused me."

Narcissa turned around, suddenly interested. "And what did they say?"

Sirius liked that about her, knowing that he could get her attention as long as he mentioned her sisters. "Bella said that it's ethical as long as I think I'm helping someone, but Andy said that it's only ethical if that someone thinks that they're being helped."

She smiled evenly. "Listen to me, Sirius. They're both very much mistaken. You should find the right balance of both. You certainly want that someone to think that they're being helped and you could accomplish that by letting them choose what they'd like, but you also need to limit their options to only the things that you think will help them. Do you understand?"

"Oh!"

"Is that all?"

"Yes, that's all," he beamed. "By the way Cissy, are you using Aunt Druella's beauty potions again? You know you look much prettier without them."

"Oh, what do you know?" Narcissa sniffed as she turned back to the mirror.

So that was all there was to the previously mystifying matter of doing a good and ethical deed since surely, between the three of them, his cousins knew all there was to know about the matter. It didn't seem to be as difficult as he had feared. In fact, he ruminated as he watched the girls go downstairs for their afternoon tea, it was downright easy, and he knew a lot more about it than they gave him credit for.

It took all the self control that he did not possess to not wonder aloud why Bellatrix and Narcissa looked so pale and agitated that evening. Did they somehow find his actions on their behalf unacceptable? No, that couldn't be. He had followed their guidelines meticulously. So why did they look so upset? It was all so very puzzling.

It didn't take very long for him to find out why. His aunt went upstairs after dinner to freshen up before the little soiree that she was hosting, and the expression on her face when she came downstairs was enough to frighten even his battle-hardened soul. "Narcissa darling," she said quietly, "would you happen to know why my beauty potions have suddenly been replaced with frog spawn?"

"No, mother!" she cried. "I didn't do anything to them, I swear."

"Oh, that was me," he said, raising his hand since he saw no need to be modest about claiming credit for his good and ethical deeds. "I followed Cissy's ethics advice and dumped frog spawn in your beauty potions. I figured that if she was given a choice between frog spawn and nothing, she'd choose nothing and look so much better."

He smiled and waited for the applause, but somehow none came. Narcissa simply looked furious at him, while his aunt simply looked furious at her. "Narcissa Black! What have I told you about not touching my potions," she began to scold, before she was suddenly interrupted by her husband.

"Bellatrix dear," he asked, "what is that on your arm?"

His cousin turned a bright red before muttering something about how she was supposed to have used disappearing ink.

"Oh, that was me as well," he said. "I thought she was wasting her time, redrawing it every day with disappearing ink, so I swapped it for some everlasting ink. Now she won't ever have to redo it again!"

This, however, did not produce the wanted effect either. Bellatrix looked mad enough to curse his ears off, while his uncle turned bright red as well. "Young lady, how many times must we have this conversation?" he exclaimed. "No, you may not draw the Dark Lord's symbol on your arm to show off in front of the neighbors. You may not salute the Minister of Magic with the official Death Eater salute. You may not try to start a club at Hogwarts dedicated to the violent overthrow of the Ministry. And you most certainly may not entertain thoughts of becoming the Dark Lord's personal stalker!"

"Father!" she cried. "You said you wouldn't use Legilimency on me anymore!"

"Just wait a minute," said Narcissa. "Why didn't you help Andy too?"

He shrugged. "Well, I would've saved some everlasting ink and changed all the vampires in her do-it-yourself vampire book to werewolves, but I knew that she would choose the vampires if given a choice, so I didn't do anything."

"You've been reading those books?" his aunt shrieked, collapsing on a chair, which promptly cracked and collapsed beneath her.

Sirius had an inkling that he was about to witness proof of the old maxim that no good deed goes unpunished, but at least he wasn't bored anymore.

Comments are love. :)