Desert Flowers In My Lungs
Author's Note: I do not own Star Trek nor did I create Hanahaki Disease. I did add a few details to the disease however. This is Yaoi. Don't like, don't read. Takes place in the reboot/2009 universe.
Jim knew he was in deep trouble the day he coughed and a single purple flower petal landed in his hand. Well shit, he thought. James Kirk knew what coughing up flowers meant; everyone from Earth did. Hanahaki Disease. Very rare, very slow, very painful. And if untreated very, very lethal. I am so screwed Jim thought.
Hanahaki Disease wasn't an ordinary disease. It wasn't caused by a germ, virus, or parasite. It wasn't the result of the human body malfunctioning. In fact, no one knew where the disease originated from until after First Contact, when Vulcans and humans met. Vulcans are naturally more spiritually in tune with themselves, given their touch telepathy, than humans are. They discovered this human ailment sprang from the katra, or soul. It was a disease of emotion, which inwardly both horrified and fascinated the Vulcans. The disease only happened when a human fell in love, truly, deeply in love, but that love was not returned. Flowers would begin to bloom in the person's lungs. They'd start coughing up petals, at first only a few, but gradually more and more until they were coughing up whole blossoms. The flowers would spread until they filled the person's chest and throat, making it harder and harder to breathe. Eventually the infected would suffocate. No cure had ever been found. Medicines to slow the process and sooth the symptoms existed, but they were temporary fixes. No, Hanahaki Disease was fatal.
Jim knew he could go down to Sickbay and have Bones preform an emergency operation on him, but that wasn't an option. Removing the flowers also rid the infected of their ability to feel love of any kind. They'd become little more than a machine. Jim couldn't afford that. His crew couldn't afford that. They were counting on Jim to look after them, to care for them. And he couldn't do that if he couldn't feel. Besides, Bones as a principle didn't preform Hanahaki Removal. He told Jim he'd done it once and then swore never again. He couldn't stand to see what his patient had become, what he had made them into. Jim knew Bones would make an exception for him, but he would never ask that of his friend. He didn't want to have Bones carry the guilt that he had made Jim practically soulless (this wasn't a metaphor; by removing the flowers you were technically removing part of the person's soul. Needless to say the Vulcans found Hanahaki Removal horrifying and inhumane).
Jim also knew he couldn't let the person he loved know he was sick. The only way to make the flowers vanish was for the person's love to be returned. And Jim knew he wasn't loved, at least not in that sense. See, the person Jim was in love with was his First Officer, Spock. Jim was certain Spock felt nothing but friendship for him. At best Spock considered him a brother. Plus he was pretty sure Spock was still dating Uhura, so there's that. If Spock knew Jim was lovesick he'd try to force himself to return Jim's feelings, if only to save his captain's life. Jim knew that wouldn't work. People had tried that in the past. But if the love wasn't genuine then the flowers would start to rot. Their decaying would cause the infected to go into toxic shock. Jim would much rather die by suffocation than poisoning thank you.
He couldn't let his crew know. Bones would know eventually (he was Jim's doctor after all), but nobody else had to. Jim didn't want their pity, nor did he want his remaining time with them to be tainted by sadness. At best he had a few months left. If he was lucky and he took the medications then maybe he could stretch it out to a year or possibly two. But that was unlikely. Oh well, he'd just have to do his best with the time he had left.
At first it was easy to hide his sickness from the crew. The flowers only tickled his throat every half hour or so. Jim would quietly cough into his hand, then discreetly put the petals that had come out into his pant pocket. He was able to get away with this for the first couple of weeks, but as the time between each coughing fit got shorter, Bones started to notice. He didn't say anything at first. But when Jim could no longer go fifteen minutes without a small cough coming out of his mouth Bones ordered him to Sickbay. Jim didn't fight it.
"Your vitals look alright." Bones said to Jim. It was just the two of them in Sickbay at the moment. Jim had politely asked for some privacy for this exam, which set off alarm bells in Bones' head. Normally Jim didn't care who knew his business. This request worried Bones but he obliged anyway, sending the rest of the on-duty staff on a break. Bones looked at Jim. "Even though your vitals are fine I would still like to preform a chest x-ray, just to be safe." "Sure thing Bones." Jim said with a smile. Again Bones was alarmed; Jim would always fight him whenever he wanted to preform any extra tests. Now he knew something was definitely wrong, he just didn't know what. Yet.
A few minutes later Bones was looking over Jim's x-rays while Jim sat on the examination bed. He tried not to show how anxious he felt. He just wanted this conversation over and done with. "It looks like you have a small obstruction in your lungs of some kind." said Bones. "That's odd, if I didn't know you better I'd say it looks like a bunch of -" "Flowers." Jim interrupted. "That's because it is. I started coughing up petals a few weeks ago. I have Hanahaki Disease Bones." Jim said the last part softly.
Bones looked horrified. "No." he all but whispered. Jim gave a sad smile. "It's true." Bones began pacing, running his hand over his face and muttering to himself. After about ten minutes he let out a tired sigh and sat down in his chair. The look he gave Jim broke his heart. "It's not me is it?" Bones asked softly. Jim actually laughed a little. "No! Don't get me wrong Bones, I love you but I'm not in love with you." "Thank heaven for small mercies then." Bones said. He looked older than Jim had ever seen him look. "Okay, if it's not me than who is it? You haven't gushed about any new girl for months." "That's because they're not female Bones." Bones looked at Jim in wide-eyed shock. Jim grinned. "Shocking, I know." Bones' astonishment faded after a moment and his face became thoughtful. After a few minutes however, it turned angry. Jim had a bad feeling he knew why.
"Bones..." he began but Bones held up his hand and interrupted. "No, save it. I don't want to hear your excuses. How the hell could you fall in love with the hobgoblin of all people?!" Bones got up and started pacing again. "Of all the people on this ship, of all the people in the Federation, he's the least likely to return your feelings!" "I KNOW BONES!" Jim shouted. Bones stopped pacing and stared at him with wide eyes. Jim took a deep breath to calm himself before continuing. "I know Bones. I know how he is with emotions. I know he's with Uhura. I know he doesn't love me like that." Jim paused, "But I wouldn't love Spock if he was anyone else. I can't help it; he's the one I fell in love with." Jim gave a small smile. "And if I'm being honest I don't think I would want to love anyone else."
Bones was silent for a moment. Then he spoke, "I can do it, if you want me to. All you have to do is ask." It took Jim a minute to realize what Bones was talking about. Then it clicked. "No," Jim said, "I don't want you to preform Hanahaki Removal." Bones looked distressed. "But Jim-" "No. I know how you feel about that procedure and I won't ask that of you. Besides, even if you didn't have an issue with it, I still wouldn't ask. I need my love in order to be the best kind of captain I can be. I can't abandon my crew." "Okay." Bones said, though he didn't look happy about it, "Okay, I get it." He sighed, sat down, and reached into the cabinet were he kept his liquor; he most certainly needed a drink right now. "I suppose you want me to keep this information to myself?" he asked after he had poured and downed his first cup. Jim smiled, "I'd appreciate that."
A few days after his visit with Bones Jim began to cough up whole flowers. They came in three colors, orange, magenta, and purple, and resembled North American cacti flowers. Their centers came in varying shades of yellow. They all seemed to be different variety of the same species but Jim didn't recognize them. He took a picture of a few of them with his pad and then ran it through a search to see if the computer could find a match. It did. They turned out not to be cacti flowers at all or even from Earth. In Standard their name simply translated to Desert Flower. They were native to Vulcan and, thanks to Nero, now critically endangered. Jim frowned as he read this information before an idea struck him. He gathered up three of the flowers, one of each color, and placed them in a container of water. Picking it up, he then made his way to Sulu's quarters.
It was late, during what was approximately the Enterprise's version of nighttime, when Jim made arrived at Sulu's door. He planned it this way; less people were awake which meant less people would see him on his journey. He wanted to be as discreet as possible.
Sulu looked tired as he answered the door but he snapped to attention when he saw who was on the other side. "Captain Kirk," he said, "What brings you down here so late?" Jim held out the container holding the flowers. "I was hoping you'd be able to cultivate these in the botany lab." Sulu looked at the flowers in amazement. "Captain, these specimens are extremely rare. Were did you get them?" Jim refused to look Sulu in the eyes. "From inside me." he said softly. Sulu looked confused for a moment before understanding dawned on his face. "Oh. Oh, Captain I'm-" "Please," Jim interrupted, "Do you think you will be able to cultivate them? I think a small but flourishing population of these plants would be a great gift to give to New Vulcan." Sulu took the hint. "Of course sir. I'll get started right away and I'll keep you updated on their progress." "Thank you." said Jim. As he turned to walk away Sulu said "For what it's worth I think you should tell him. You have my support and I know the rest of the crew would support you too." Jim stopped but didn't turn around. "Thank you Hikaru." Sulu gave a small smile. "And don't worry, I won't tell anyone were the flowers came from. It's not my business to." This time Jim did turn around and he returned Sulu's smile. "I know you won't."
When the rest of the crew found out, it happened on the bridge. Even with the medications Bones had prescribed, the disease was progressing much faster than either of them liked. Jim knew his time was short. A few crew members had inquired about the persistent cough he seemed to have but Jim, with Bones' help, was able to reassure them it was just a minor if somewhat stubborn bug; nothing contagious and nothing to worry about. With that knowledge everyone seemed content to let the matter go.
Jim was in the captain's chair reading some reports when he noticed it was getting a little harder to breathe. He tried coughing discreetly to clear the flowers from his throat but that didn't seem to work. It was getting harder and harder to take a breath. It felt like he was choking. He dropped the pad he was holding, causing the rest of the bridge crew to take notice as he began coughing in ernest. He heard calls of "Captain, are you alright?!" but he didn't respond, he was too busy trying to clear his breathing passages. In a desperate attempt to keep his secret a little longer, Jim covered his mouth with both hands as he coughed, hoping to catch the flowers and petals as they escaped. It didn't work; there were simply too many for him to hold. The next round of coughing sent a shower of petals and whole flowers spewing across the floor of the bridge. He could hear cries of alarm and dismay at this sight, as well Spock's frantic yell of "Jim!", but he couldn't stop coughing. Jim dimly registered a voice, Uhura's, say "I'm calling Doctor McCoy!". He continued to hack up flowers and petals. A minute later Jim heard the lift doors open and the hurried sound of feet coming towards him. He felt a pinch on his neck. Immediately his breathing passages opened up a little. Not completely, but enough for him to stop coughing and start breathing.
Jim began to take in big gulps of air. "Easy, easy." he heard a voice say and felt a hand rubbing his back. He turned his head to see Bones, hypospray in hand, kneeling next to him. Wait, kneeling? Jim looked down. At some point during his coughing fit he had fallen onto his hands and knees. Surrounding him were so many petals and flowers that the floor looked like a field in springtime. He lifted his head to see the worried faces of his crew mates. Sulu looked sad, Chekov wore an expression of near panic, and Uhura seemed to be fighting back tears. But it was Spock's expression that broke his heart; the Vulcan looked completely alarmed.
"Doctor McCoy," Spock began, "Why is the Captain coughing up Vulcan flora?" At his question both Chekov and Uhura gasped, the latter of whom's eyes kept darting between her Captain and First Officer. Bones looked a Jim, silently asking him what to say. Jim in turn sent Bones a pleading look, quietly begging the doctor not to reveal anything just yet. Bones got the message. "It's a human thing Spock." Bones said, "I'm sure your fellow crew mates will be willing to explain it to you. Right now however, I'm taking Jim down to Sickbay." At this Bones put one of Jim's arms around his shoulders and helped him stand up. Jim could see Spock wanted to demand an explanation but Bones had already gotten them half way to the door. Before they exited Jim croaked out "Sulu, feel free to take as many of the flowers as you need for the cultivation project." "Aye-aye Captain." Sulu replied. Right before the doors closed behind them Jim heard Chekov's angry shout of "You knew?!"
Jim had been in Sickbay for a few hours now. He had had a number of attacks since Bones had helped him onto one of the bio-beds to rest, but thanks to the hypo he had been given on the bridge none of them were anywhere near as severe as that first one. Alpha shift had ended a couple of minutes ago and Jim's sense of dread was growing with each passing second; there was no way Spock hadn't been informed by the rest of the bridge crew what a human coughing up flowers meant. What Jim coughing up Vulcan flowers meant. Jim knew Spock would be coming to Sickbay any minute now to reject him. Needless to say Jim was NOT looking forward to the conversation.
Sure enough within 10 minutes of Alpha shift ending Sickbay's doors opened to reveal Jim's First Officer. As Spock approached the bio-bed Jim turned his face away; he didn't want to see the look of disgust he was sure would be on Spock's face. "Captain." Spock said. When Jim continued to look away Spock tried again. "Jim." he said in a much softer voice. Upon hearing Spock speak in such a tone Jim couldn't help himself, he turned to face Spock.
Much to Jim's surprise Spock didn't look disgusted or angry. Spock looked sad. "Jim," he said again, "Why did you not tell me?" Jim sighed, "I take it by your question your fellow crew members explained to you what it means when a human coughs up flowers." "Affirmative, Lieutenant Uhura informed me of Hanahaki Disease, its cause, and its symptoms." Spock paused, "She also informed me of the disease's outcome. Jim, did you honestly plan to keep your ailment from me until it caused your death?" "Yes, Spock, I did." Jim answered. He wanted this conversation to be over already. "Why?" the voice Spock asked his question in was so small and broken that Jim felt his own heart break in response. But he had to say strong in order to face the rejection he knew was quickly coming; he did not allow his heartbreak to show on his face. "Because I know you don't feel the same way. Plus you're with Uhura and I didn't want to cause any problems between the two of you. Hell, I still don't want to cause-" "Uhura and I ended our romantic relationship 7.4 months ago." Spock interrupted. Jim was shocked silent. "Oh. Um," he said after a few moments of staring, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, at Spock. "I'm sorry to hear that." "Don't be," Spock replied, "It was a mutual decision. We have agreed to remain friends." "Even so, you still don't feel the same about me as I feel for you." Saying this Jim laid down and stared at the ceiling.
"You presume too much." Spock finally said after a few minutes of silence between them. Jim turned his head towards his First Officer. "What?" "Jim," at this Spock leaned over and grasped Jim's left hand in his own. Jim felt his heart speed up. "The reason I have never shown you anything beyond friendship is because I was certain YOU did not feel the same." Jim couldn't believe his ears. Surely Spock didn't mean...Jim tried unsuccessfully to squash down the feeling of hope rising in his chest. "Spock what are you saying?" "There is a word in Vulcan, from ancient times, that I associate with you – T'hy'la. Roughly translated into Standard it means friend/brother/lover. I knew you saw me as the first two definitions and I hope now," Spock paused as he blushed a deep green, "You will allow me to fulfill the third one as well."
Jim stared at Spock for a long time. Spock seemed to take this as a rejection of sorts, as he sighed and began to turn away, starting to pull his hand from Jim's. Jim quickly grasped Spock's hand as it retreated. Spock turned to Jim in surprise and saw Jim smiling widely. "I would love to be your T'hy'la." Was all Jim said before he found himself being kissed by Spock. As he eagerly kissed back Jim could've sworn he felt the flowers in his lungs shrinking and disappearing. (Unknown to the two lovebirds Bones was watching the whole thing. He had rushed towards Jim's bio-bed when the heart monitor had sped up, worried that something was wrong. He had stopped when he saw Spock standing beside Jim and knew better than to interrupt. Now watching his two commanding officers making out Bones turned around and, muttering quietly to himself, headed straight for his liquor.)
A few months later during a visit to New Vulcan, the Enterprise's Captain and First Officer were happy to gift the colonists with a flourishing population of Desert Flowers.