Disclaimer: If you haven't figured it out by now, I'll say it one more time. I DON'T OWN IT!
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
"I wonder if she'll notice me. Did you see her yesterday copying her notes down in Charms. The sun made her look like some kind of angel. I should tell her that. Maybe then she'll notice me."
"Shut the hell up."
"TOOTHPASTE LAND, TOOTHPASTE LAND, WHERE DUCKS RUN FREE AND CHEESE IS GRAND!" Sirius bellowed at the top of his lungs.
"Shut the hell up."
"Hey, did you know that Mike Wizaozki on Monsters Inc. has the same name as Mike Wizaozki on That's So Raven?" Lily asked, pushing back the covers.
"Why would we want--LILY?!" James nearly choked on his glasses. Don't ask how. He just did.
"Why are you here?" Remus asked. "This is a boy's dorm."
"You seem to have no objections about Morgan sleeping here," Lily replied.
"Th-that's different!" Remus stammered.
"Remmy's got a girlfriend, Remmy's got a girlfriend!" Sirius chanted.
"Shut the hell up, Sirius."
"So then why are you in here, Morgan?" Lily asked slyly.
" I'm here 'cause I can't stand you," Morgan muttered as she floated above her bed.
Wait.
Let me go through that again.
"Yeah, I'm here 'cause I can't stand you," Morgan muttered as she floated above her bed.
She floated?
"Yeah, I'm floating, got a problem with that?" Morgan challenged.
"You're pretty stupid, you know," Marauder Pawsly said.
"And why's that?"
"'Cause I'm the author," MP replied. "I am God here."
"A DAMN INSANE GOD!" Peter yelped as a manticore proceeded to attack him.
Not the others.
Just him.
MP smiled. "Yeah, I know, aren't you proud of me?"
"No, I'm afraid of you," James said, watching the manticore call to its friends. The pack of manticores began chasing Peter all around the dorm. One manticore went after Freddy the Teddy.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sirius screamed.
Then MP realized her mistake.
"Stupid man-eating monsters," she muttered, throwing the one attacking the Slytherin teddy out the window.
"FREDDY! FREDDY! SPEAK TO ME, FREDDY!" Sirius cried, sobbing over his teddy. "WHY, GOD, WHY?!"
MP patted poor Siri on the back and said in a Jamacian accent, "I be sorry, chile. I forgot Freddy being your teddy."
"I-N-T-E-L-L-I-G-E-N-T!" Lily squeaked.
"Yeah, Lils, too bad you're not," Morgan said harshly. Why did Morgan hate Lily so much? MP decided to dig up some memories.
"Hey, you leave my memories alone, you insane psycho freak!" Morgan warned.
But since when do all-powerful God-like authors listen to their minions?
"MINIONS?!" Morgan yelped.
"Yes, minions," MP snapped. "Now shut up. This should be good."
*Flashback, so shut up*
(MP grabs popcorn.)
"Since when does ice cream have an expiration date?!" Morgan yelled.
"Since I said so," Lily said.
"And who the hell are you?!"
"I am LILY, Know-It-All/Human Encyclopedia!" Lily announced, striking a dorky superhero pose, now wearing pink spandex with a large Y on the chest.
"What does the Y stand for?' a random first year asked.
"YO MOMMA!" Lily cackled.
Morgan sweatdropped (just like in the anime! *squeals*) as Lily ran around the common room, squawking like a chicken--
"YOU SPELLED CHIKIN WRONG!" Lily screeched. "ITS C-H-I-K-I-N!"
"You're a freak," Morgan said, then headed up to her room to look at pictures at Sirius, James, and Remus in the showers.
*End Flashback, shut up*
Sirius, Remus, and James sweatdropped. Morgan blushed. Lily giggled.
Peter: HELP ME!
"No," MP said.
Peter: WHY NOT?!
"'Cause you give a bad name to people who write in script," MP replied.
Peter: YOU'RE THE ONE MAKING ME TALK LIKE THIS!
MP shrugged and said, "Not my fault."
Peter: *blink* ......YES IT IS!
"I like eggs," Sirius said.
"I like pie," James replied.
"Eggs are better than pie," Sirius said hotly.
"Pies are better than eggs," James declared.
"You can eat eggs in a minute," Sirius argued. "You hafta bake pies."
"Pies come in different flavors," James said smartly. "Ha ha ha ha ha!"
"EGGS!"
"PIE!"
"EGGS!"
"PIE!"
"EGGS!"
"PIE!"
"EGGS!"
"PIE!"
"EGGS!"
"PIE!"
"EGGS!"
"PIE!"
"EGGS!"
"PIE!"
"EGGS!"
"PIE!"
"EGGS!"
"PIE!"
"EGGS!"
"PIE!"
"I LIKE CHEESE!"
Sirius and James stared at Remus.
"What? Do I have a salami hanging from my ear again?" Remus asked, whacking his ears frantically.
"No, you're...."
MP sighed. "Poor Remmy. Look." She held up a mirror.
Remus had sprouted fur, a tail, and dog ears.
"Oh, that," he said calmly, scratching his canine muzzle with one clawed hand. "Yeah, that happens sometimes."
Everyone except Lily stared, because Lily was running around, screaming like a chicken ("IT'S CHIKIN!") with its head cut off.
"BIRDS!" Sirius screamed, jumping on a poor, defenseless birdie on the windowsill and stuffed the poor thing in his mouth.
"Sirius," MP said. "What do you have in your mouth?"
"Nufink."
MP sighed and went through that again.
"BIRDS!" Sirius screamed, jumping on a poor, defenseless birdie on the windowsill and stuffed the poor thing in his mouth.
"Sirius," MP said. "What do you have in your mouth?"
"Nufink."
MP sighed and went through that again.
"BIRDS!" Sirius screamed, jumping on a poor, defenseless birdie on the windowsill and stuffed the poor thing in his mouth.
"Sirius," MP said. "What do you have in your mouth?"
"Nufink."
MP sighed and went through that again.
"BIRDS!" Sirius screamed, jumping on a poor, defenseless birdie on the windowsill and stuffed the poor thing in his mouth.
"Sirius," MP said. "What do you have in your mouth?"
"Nufink."
MP sighed and went through that again.
"BIRDS!" Sirius screamed, jumping on a poor, defenseless birdie on the windowsill and stuffed the poor thing in his mouth.
"Sirius," MP said. "What do you have in your mouth?"
"Nufink."
MP sighed and went through that again.
"BIRDS!" Sirius screamed, jumping on a poor, defenseless birdie on the windowsill and stuffed the poor thing in his mouth.
"Sirius," MP said. "What do you have in your mouth?"
"Nufink."
MP sighed and went through that again.
"BIRDS!" Sirius screamed, jumping on a poor, defenseless birdie on the windowsill and stuffed the poor thing in his mouth.
"Sirius," MP said. "What do you have in your mouth?"
"Nufink."
MP sighed and went through that again.
"BIR--"
"SIRIUS WILL YOU JUST TELL HER YOU STUFFED THE DAMN BIRD IN YOUR MOUTH?!" Morgan screamed.
Peter: HEEEEEEEEEELP! *running away from manticores*
Sirius looked confused. "I did?"
Morgan sighed. "Are you on crack again?!"
"No. I'm on sugar."
Morgan turned toward MP. "Stop giving him sugar!"
MP whistled innocently and pushed a crate labeled SUGAR underneath Sirius's bed.
"Wait, don't!" Sirius cried.
A perfectly manicured hand was thrashing about wildly from under the bed. It was tanned and the nails were long and red.
"What the hell is that?!" Lily screamed, jumping on James's head.
"I thought you knew everything," Morgan sneered.
Sirius grabbed the nearest thing he could find--Freddy the Teddy--and began beating the hand with it.
"DELICIOUS--I MEAN, DEVILISH FIEND, BACK!" he screamed, whacking the hand with the decapitated teddy.
The hand, unphazed by its teddy beating, grabbed Sirius's ankle and dragging him under.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sirius cried. "NOT AGAIN!"
Peter: SIRIUS! *jumps in after him*
MP examined the bed. "What the hell--" And is suddenly hit with something fat and squishy.
"EW EW EW EW! GET YOUR DISGUSTING 'SOFT SPOT' OFF MY FACE!" MP shrieked.
Peter: *falls to the ground* they didn't want me *sniff*
Remus looked disgusted. "Who would?"
Peter: *cries and gets eaten by manticores*
MP shrugged. "Well, now that the wonderful hottie known as Sirius Black is as good as dead in the place, why don't we--AUGH!"
More hands had appeared and now dragged everyone except the manticores down.
"Why the hell are we here?" MP snarled, watching half-naked Amazon-like women dance around them in some kind of war dance.
"Where are we, for that matter?" Morgan muttered.
"We are in the portal to hell," Lily quipped even though she, in all her intelligence, did not understand what the art of quipping did for one's brain. "Of course, it's not really to hell, but what else would you call a place of pastel colors and Amazon-like women who wish to lock you up until you're fifteen, then use you as a sex slave?"
"Hell," MP and Morgan muttered.
"Heaven," Remus and James said dreamily.
"You know you're obsessed when you can't spell 'Sirius' any other way," came a familiar voice.
"GINNY AT HEART?!" MP gasped.
Her fellow author friend smiled. "Heya, Marauder Pawsly."
"What are you doing here?"
"I was dropping off a pest for the Amazon-like women," GH replied, holding up a wimpering Snape.
"Ew, how the hell they can even stand to be in the same room as him?!" everyone gasped.
GH shrugged. "I dunno, but for some weird reason, theyre ARE actual Snape fans out there," she said, sounding amazed. "I looked up 'Severus Snape' on Google and I got half a million hits! Geez, Snape is a freak, how could anybody like him?"
Several enraged Snape fans shouted their protests on their 'Slytherin sex god's behalf, but GH and MP took no notice.
"If ANYONE is a Slytherin sex god, it's Draco Malfoy," MP said dreamily. Then she became Parker Silverson and went off to find Draco Malfoy, presumably to get it on as Ron pounded furiously on the bedroom door.
GH's personal assistant, Ginny Weasley, shuddered at the thought of her brother wanting to get it on with anybody. GH merely shrugged, dropped Snape in an orangutan cage, and left, Ginny in tow.
Just then, Parker and Malfoy appeared, and they weren't just being "friendly."
"MY EYES!" Morgan screamed in agony and covered her poor eyes.
Just then, Jelanda snuck into "hell," grabbed Snape, and left.
That was weird.
Well, now I am out of things to type, so in the immortal words of MY Slytherin sex god, "Just say you kissed the poor old chap and end the bloody song!"
Okay, but this isn't a song, I reminded him.
"Oh yeah." Malfoy stuck out his tongue, blew a raspberry, and said, "Fine then. Just say you kissed the poor old chap and end the bloody fic!"
Will do.
And so, the curtains close on me and my Drakikins Frenching while Sirius and Remus growl evilly.
The End.
So shut up.
*
sing to the tune of the itsy bitsy spider *shudders*: REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW IF YOU REVIEW THERE WILL BE MORE IN STORE BUT YOU MUST REVIEW OR FACE MY AUTHORESS WRATH NOW JUST 5 REVIEWS WILL DO IT YOU'LL SEE ME SOON AGAIN.