A/N: I don't own Bleach.

Kisuke Urahara lounged back in his leather desk-chair, tucking his hands behind his head. His bare feet were propped on the immense oak slab that formed the top of his desk. The white captain's cloak he often wore, whenever he couldn't avoid it anyway, was draped over the back of the chair. It was long, and so a good half meter at the bottom lay spread around the chair's wheeled feet, gathering wrinkles and dust.

Windows around the office let in the dazzling sunlight of a beautiful spring morning. There were cherry blossoms blooming in the garden outside. Kisuke hung his head over the back of the chair to catch a view of them. They were upside down. That wouldn't do. Someone would have to fix that.

The door to the office banged open, and Kisuke's 3rd Seat stormed in. Kurotsuchi Mayuri looked ready to begin a tirade, but then again Kurotsuchi was always ready to begin a tirade. Kurotsuchi was too uptight.

Kisuke didn't want to suffer through another one of Kurotsuchi's inane rants, so he cut the man off before he could begin. "Hey, Mayuri-chan, be a dear and get me a cup of coffee, will ya?"

Kurotsuchi spluttered ineffectually for a minute before turning and stomping out of the office. He slammed the door on his way out. Kisuke clucked in exasperation. The man really needed to lighten up.

Hey! There was an idea! Maybe Kisuke could get him a birthday present or something. Lord only knew when the man's birthday was. But what did it matter? Everyone liked birthday presents. It wasn't Kisuke's fault if he couldn't remember dates very well. Anyway, all he had planned for today were more reports, and Kisuke hated reports. And it was such a beautiful spring day. No sane person could waste a day like this cooped up writing reports.

Kisuke raised his foot and brought the heel down on a large green button at the corner of the desk. An intercom clicked on, and a soft voice came through. "What's up, Kisuke?"

Good! Yoruichi was in her office too! She wouldn't want to stay there on a day like this, either!

"Mayuri's a bitch. I want to get him a birthday present."

"Oh really?" The voice on the other end of the intercom sounded intrigued. "When's his birthday?"

Kisuke sighed. Yoruichi asked such stupid questions sometimes. "Who the hell knows? Does it matter? It's a birthday present, Yoruichi! Everybody likes birthday presents!"

"Fine. So why are you calling me?"

Kisuke resisted the overpowering urge to sigh. That woman! "Look outside, Yoruichi! It's a beautiful day. What are you doing cooped up in your office? Let's go have some FUN!"

"Oh, is THAT what this is about? Well, sure, I'll come. Can I bring Soi Fong?"

"Yeah, whatever. I'll meet you at the usual place." Kisuke was already out of his chair, throwing on that stupid captain's cloak. Why he had to wear the thing, he'd never understand. It was just so plain and boring. Why couldn't it have stripes or something? Green stripes? Those would be nice.

Slipping open a large glass-paned door, Kisuke slipped out into the 12th Division garden. The cherry blossom trees were right-side up, now. Darn it. That didn't make any sense. He ignored the fickle trees and leapt onto the wall that separated his division's compound from the compound belonging to Ukitake's. Using shunpo, Kisuke hurried to the 4th Division treatment facility, the prearranged meeting place. He hoped to get there before Yoruichi. He always enjoyed beating her, at pretty much anything.

Sadly, she was already there when he arrived. She and that little puppy dog bodyguard of hers. Soi Fong needed to lighten up, too. Maybe Yoruichi would get a birthday present for her as well.

"Why do we always meet at the 4th Division headquarters, Kisuke?"

Kisuke rolled his eyes. "Stop asking such stupid questions, Yoruichi. Now, what do you think Mayuri would like? Something to make him less uptight."

Yoruichi shrugged, bored. "I don't know. How about we get him a sex toy?"

Soi Fong blushed silently beside her commander.

Kisuke took a deep, calming breath. "Is that your answer for EVERYTHING, Yoruichi? No. I am NOT buying Mayuri a sex toy. That's just… wrong. No. How about a ham sandwich?"

Soi Fong looked very confused.

"A ham sandwich is not a birthday present, Kisuke," Yoruichi explained patiently.

Kisuke stopped, considering this for a while. Finally, he nodded his head. "Okay, you're right. It's not. Soi Fong, do you have any ideas?"

Soi Fong stared at Kisuke vacantly.

"Soi Fong never has any ideas. You know that, Kisuke. Soi Fong is just here to look pretty for me. Isn't that right, Soi Fong?"

Soi Fong stared at Yoruichi vacantly.

"Yeah, whatever. But c'mon, Yoruichi, there has to be SOMETHING we can get him! How about… How about… A pet! We could get him a little puppy or something!"

Yoruichi kicked Kisuke in the shin. "Mayuri EATS puppies, Kisuke. You are not giving him a puppy."

Kisuke scratched his stubbly chin. "Does he really? Why would he do that? Puppies aren't for eating. Ham sandwitches are for eating. But yeah, either way, food isn't a birthday present. Do you like puppies, Soi Fong?"

Soi Fong screamed in horror.

Yoruichi petted her head reassuringly. "No, honey. He meant do you like puppies as pets. But… do you? We could get you a puppy if you wanted, precious. Would you like that?"

Soi Fong stared at Yoruichi vacantly.

Yoruichi clicked her tongue in irritation and turned her attention back to her oldest friend. "Okay, Kisuke. Pretend you're Mayuri. What do YOU think you'd want for your birthday?"

"It's not FOR his birthday, Yoruichi. Nobody even knows when that is. It's just a birthday PRESENT. There's a difference." The woman was so dense sometimes.

"You didn't answer my question, Kisuke."

"Oh. Yeah. Well, if I was Mayuri and I wanted a birthday PRESENT," Kisuke emphasized, "I'd want… an experiment! But wait. His experiments are why he's so uptight anyway. I can't give him an experiment. It'd just make him worse."

"Not if it's a FUN experiment," Yoruichi corrected with a glint of mischief in her eyes.

"Oh. Ohhh….. Oh! I get it! Thanks, Yoruichi! You never let me down!" Without another word, Kisuke vanished back the way he had come, leaving the two women alone.

"Oh Good Lord, what did he think of this time?" Yoruichi's voice held a note of exasperation. She looked down at Soi Fong, standing next to her, and smiled. "But you know, Kisuke was right. It IS a beautiful day. There's no reason for us to waste it on paperwork. There are so many OTHER things we could be doing right now. So many FUN things." Yoruichi bent her head to wisper in the other woman's ear.

Soi Fong screamed in horror.

Mayuri stared at the brightly-wrapped box for a full ten minutes before finding the courage to open it. The large, garish tag said that it came from Urahara. That alone was enough to inspire fear in any sane man. Mayuri knew he wasn't sane, but that didn't mean he wasn't still afraid.

Finally, he stepped forward. He took up a scalpel from a nearby tray and made precise, surgical incisions to allow him to remove the wrapping paper without disturbing whatever might be inside. No reason to take chances.

Under the paper, Mayuri found a cubic box, about thirty centimeters to a side. A note was taped to the top of the box. Under the wrapping paper. How had Urahara been sure Mayuri wouldn't simply rip the wrapping paper off, taking the note with it? Or did he simply not care?

Mayuri bent to read the note, scrawled in a nearly illegible hand. Urahara was sloppy in everything he did. How had the other captains chosen him above Mayuri? It was madness!

"Dear Mayuri," the note read, "I have bought a birthday present for you. Hope you enjoy it. It's an 'experiment'. Actually, it's a whole number of experiments. I'm sure it can keep you amused for days! Maybe weeks! I can hardly think of all the things I could do with something like this. I wish I had one for myself. I hope you enjoy it!" A scrawled signature at the bottom might have said, "Kisuke Urahara". Perhaps.

Mayuri found himself suddenly expectant. Could Urahara actually have sent him something worthwhile? Urahara had so many inventions that Mayuri would love to get his hands on. The man was mad, that much was sure, and Mayuri was fairly certain he must be an idiot as well. But he had a gift for creating the most surprising objects. If he had given one of those to Mayuri…. Mayuri was sure he could do so much more with those trinkets than even Urahara himself. He was anxious for the chance to prove it. With a smile, he pulled open the lid of the box and stared inside.

It was a ham sandwich.

"URAHARA, YOU BASTARD!"