What He Wants

It was a few days after the press conference that Tony brought it up. He let Pepper's anger over his public confession simmer down while his desire for her reached a boil.

For him, something had clicked that night, as he referred to it, where she wore a blue backless dress and he'd left two martinis at the bar. He realized how much he needed her, how it went beyond how he wanted her in his bed. He wanted their banter to end with kisses, for them to wind down after a long day with wine glasses and her feet on his lap. She began to fascinate him, every little thing she did. Previously, he'd thought her compassion was pitiful and fanciful, in a world where everyone was truly selfish. Now he could curl up in her kindness and humility and wanted to be pointed in that direction himself for the rest of his life.

He was nervous- he knew his past would be an obstacle to getting her trust. So he planned to be honest first in the conversation before getting any of these wants accomplished.

They were in his living room at the end of a work day. He was sprawled out on the couch. Pepper stood, facing away from him, bent over the coffee table as she rearranged material into folders on her laptop.

Her ass was in the air, and her tight skirt stretched over it, to the point that he wondered if she was doing it on purpose. She rarely flaunted herself like this. He doubted himself..maybe she didn't realize what she was doing.

Nevertheless, he stared, and wondered what he was going to say to her. He briefly thought about asking her as she faced away, but he gleefully anticipated her reaction, so he waited until she turned around.

She shut the computer and scooped it up in her arms. She pivoted on one foot to look at him, "I guess I'll be-"

"Don't you think we should talk about that night when we almost kissed?" He looked her straight in the eye when he said it, trying to keep his poker face.

She faltered for a split second. Barely noticeable, a little gasp before she closed her mouth. She slid the laptop back onto the table. "Sure. That's the mature thing to do," she convinced herself. She sunk back onto the couch next to him, sitting completely upright on the edge of the cushion. "What would you like to talk about?"

He studied her, his face blank. Not the reaction he expected. He expected anger or tears, her shutting him outright. He hadn't exactly planned for this, but he did have something to go on. "It seems like you've been pissed at me since it happened. I was an idiot for bringing it up that day of the conference, before apologizing."

"I'm sorry," she looked down, "it was unprofessional of me to seem upset at you-"

"That's not what I meant," he interrupted. "You have every right to be mad. I left you there."

She didn't look at him, didn't say anything.

"I know you probably don't want to hear excuses, but that night, I'd just heard about my weapons being shipped to our enemies. I was so angry that I'd been tricked again that I completely forgot about you. I'm sorry."

Her fingers were pressing nervously into her knees. "Okay. I understand. You're forgiven. Is that all?"

"No." He slid his thumb under her palm at her knee and clasped her hand. "Since then, especially since hearing Obadiah say he was going to kill you," She flinched and he paused, and took it all in again. A life without her flashed before his eyes and he gripped her hand more tightly. He internally debated about what he should say next. She seemed frightened and he didn't want to intimidate her with professions of love, but he also knew that he'd kept quiet in pride long enough. "I can't stop thinking- I can't forget you."

"Oh," she sighed and paused. "I'm not sure that I understand. You want to forget me? I'm a burden?"

"No!" He pulled her hand into his lap so she moved forward, more on the couch, closer to him. "I can't-" He was stuck, couldn't quite put it into words how he felt. "Not that! You know, the way we felt on the roof? I still feel that way."

It was her turn to pull at his hand. She held it close to her, so tightly that he felt relieved for a moment, until he saw the sad smile on her face. Bad news. "Tony."

There was no masking the shock and concern on his face. Thoughts flew through his mind- 'Did I misread her signals? She doesn't like me? What did I just say? Was I blind to what she wanted from me?'

She continued, "I don't know why you feel like you have to cover this up. I have stuck with you through thousands of women…"

"That's a bit of an exaggeration…" 'And what the hell is she talking about?'

"I know you left that night with Christine Everhart."

He pulled his hand away from her, scowling. "You know that, do you?"

Pepper did not react to his anger, simply smoothing out her skirt. "Agent Phil Coulson told me that she was the last person he'd seen you with, and I couldn't find either of you anywhere." She stood up. "I shouldn't have even looked, even thought for a second that you wanted me, that you wouldn't abandon me when a hotter model came along!" Her words were seething and her whole face was scrunched up, but Tony knew it was only to mask the hurt.

He stood with her and grabbed her at the shoulders. "I'm not lying! Everhart is the one who told me about the weapons. She confronted me and I was dumbfounded. I had to do something, so I left. Pepper, you know I haven't had sex since Afghanistan."

She stiffened and crossed her arms, making it hard for him to hold her. "Maybe you're just getting extra sneaky about it."

He let go of her, arms wide in disbelief. "Why the hell would I do that? Have I ever been ashamed of having sex with lots of women before?"

"No." Her response was curt.

"Right." He let out a breath, seemingly convinced her, but he wasn't sure where to go from there.

"So is that all? I believe you and I accept your apology." Her arms tightened further around her, pressing into her stomach.

"That's all? Does what I've said mean anything to you?" He just wanted her to spring out from that coil she was tightly winding herself into. More and more, she was visibly clamping down on her reactions and emotions, hiding them from his sight.

"You haven't really said anything to me…except the apology, which I fully acknowledge and accept and am grateful for. Can I go now?" She leaned away from him, putting space between them.

"Can I just kiss you? That will say everything." He just really wanted to touch her.

She did not find his suggestion amusing or helpful. "I don't think that's appropriate. I really should…"

He groaned and clenched his fist. "What about what I've done? I turned the company around. I saved you. I stopped sleeping around."

She looked at him for a moment in thought, and then rolled her eyes, as if it was her immediate reaction, but she just needed to remind herself. "Congratulations, Tony. You're finally an adult." She thought again. "Or you just saw me as a girl in a pretty blue dress that you haven't had and you think this is the way to get me into bed. I know how you are…you just want to sleep with me. What happens to me after you get what you want?"

Again, Tony's eyes were opened. He saw the years of one night stands heaped onto Pepper's shoulders. He saw that she had hoped that he would notice her someday, but he never did, and now all she had to lash out to him was heartbreak. He swallowed the offensiveness of what she said and how she saw him as his past, incapable of change. He chose his words carefully, not wanting to sweet talk her or coerce her into anything. "I know what this looks like from the outside, what other people see, the playboy. You know me better than that. You know I'm better than that. I wouldn't use you. This new celibacy- it's not because I want to sleep with you- it's because I can't imagine having sex with anyone but you anymore. And it's not just sex. That's maybe fifty percent of it. Maybe. Whatever. I want the rest…everything about being with you. I've never wanted that from anyone else. I'm not going to leave you if we have sex. I'm not going to leave you if we don't have sex. Hell, given my past, it might be a good idea to wait a few weeks…or days. What do you think?"

Her eyes widened and he realized as he was taking steps toward her, she was taking them backwards. She lifted her hands to her face, covering herself with her palms. She wiped away tears with her index fingers before they could even fall. "I think it's a little fast to be discussing that."

"Sure." He gripped her wrists desperately, pulling her hands off of her face. He kissed her cheek right below her eye and tasted salt where a tear was smeared.

She pushed him away from her, a hand on his chest. "Maybe things should just go back to normal for a while. I'll try not to be…bitchy with you, at least not more than normal. I just need to think things over."

"Okay…" he ducked his head looking for another kiss.

She turned her cheek towards him, but at the same time nuzzled his stubble, which he took as a good sign. She slid her hands up his chest and gripped him where his neck met his shoulders. He felt her thumbs massage his collar bone casually. "You can't repeat or remember any of this when I leave, especially if this doesn't work out." He nodded and pulled her body snug up against his, his arms around her waist.

Face to face with him, she continued, "I have been so hurt by the women you choose to spend your time with, instead of me. I have been hurt by the way you just throw your life away to drug, booze, women. I still believe there's good in you, but I've had to resign myself to the idea that you'll never want me. I've committed myself to that to protect myself and my job and you can't just take that away in one night. You will have to show me."

"I will, Pep. I'm so sorry. I'll show you." His promises are murmured onto her lips and he promises that he'll remember.

But he doesn't. He gets swept away in the Expo and the suits and his attention on his new redheaded assistant hurts Pepper more than he'll ever know. By the time his birthday party rolls around and he says something about 'out of control gorgeous', he remembers how he was supposed to show her how this time, with her, it's different. He's failed again, but it's really for the best because he's dying. Still, he buys her strawberries as a last ditch effort to be in tune with her wants and not his own.

And we all know how that went.