Authors Note: I wrote this story months ago and just could not come up with a good ending. So this ends with a beer. But I digress. There are two artifacts from Trust Metric that piqued my interest and I wondered what might have happened to them. So here's my take. There is an unusually close relationship building between Charlie and Colby this season. They have been there for each other in interesting ways in season 4 from Charlie physically saving Colby's life in Primacy to Colby helping Charlie get over the violence of the attack in Breaking Point. I wanted to explore that (in a non-slash way). And yet this is not truly a Charlie fic in the purest sense. It's really between Don and Colby.
I've come to think of Charlie and Colby as the "little brothers" of the team. Maybe thinking a little more with their hearts than with their heads, passionate in what they believe in, a little quixotic for a cause that catches their attention and fiercely loyal to their friends and extended family. There is a relentless plot bunny throwing those two together in an adventure knocking around in my head but that little sucker just will not hold still long enough yet for me to get it on paper. For now you just have this little story. I hope it serves.
Momento Mori - Memento mori is a Latin phrase that may be translated as "Remember that you are mortal," "Remember you will die," In the 18th century it came to be known as item that people used to remember loved ones like jewelry fashioned out of a dead loved ones hair. They were used to remind loved ones of their dead and their own mortality. Though maybe not as gruesome as wearing a braided ring of your loved ones hair, similar traditions still exist today. I treasure a rosary made out of the pressed rose petals from the flower arrangements at my mother's funeral, lovingly collected by my friends & family. Here are a couple of momento mori gathered by Colby's friends and intricately related to his own death. How would you react if faced by mementos similarly linked to your own death? Here's my take on Colby and Don's reaction.
Momento Mori
It really had been a fine Sunday afternoon. Alan Eppes had invited his son's entire FBI team and Charlie's friends from CalSci to a barbecue. In the late days of a fall in LA, everything had been Norman Rockwell perfect, mild weather, good conversation, great food. The garden was still lush with greenery as you can only find in LA in November. Alan had set up the seating under one of the trees away from the deck to take advantage of the shade. Now as twilight descended, festive Chinese lanterns lit most corners of the backyard retreat.
Colby, wandered off with the excuse of getting another beer from the cooler. Instead he found himself gravitating toward one of the dark corners of the deck overlooking the twinkling lights of the city of angels below. Leaning both hands on the rail, the junior member of the investigative team took in a deep breath. For two years he had dreamed of the day that he would have no more secrets. He'd finally gotten his wish and yet… he just wasn't sure that he had gotten what he had hoped for. Granger dropped his head, wondering if there had been some step that he could have missed months ago that would have made all this turn out right without ever revealing his secrets.
No, Colby realized. He had been on a track that allowed him almost no options. Frankly, it wasn't in his nature to be a spy - to keep secrets. Necessity had thrust that role upon him. It had taken him to Los Angeles, where Dwayne Carter had been assigned to Counter Intel. Necessity had caused him to withdraw from his family, to insulate them from the possible repercussions of his actions. What he hadn't banked on was how unintentionally he had built another family for himself in Los Angeles and how much he had come to depend – oh hell – how he'd come to need them. He'd almost lost them all with his betrayal. Don seemed to understand – he knew the sacrifices required to 'do the job.' His acceptance had meant a lot.
But things weren't the same. David was coming around, but whether he was still holding back or just Colby's own guilt warping the lens of perception, he just wasn't able to tell. Megan was different too. Her eyes would fall on him and he could tell she was worried. Worried for him… and something else. He'd heard rumors profilers had been 'recruited' from the bureau to work in rotation at Gitmo. He knew as well as he knew Megan that she would not volunteer for such an assignment. Something in her experiences had made her a hyper-vigilant mother hen after his experience on the Chinese freighter
Everyone had been getting a lot of mileage out of Megan's observation that Colby came out the worse for wear in any interactions around water. He was a surfer, for crying out loud. When David flashed a pair of Lakers tickets and then pondered out loud about inviting Colby - the Lakers were, after all, named after a body of water. Colby had snatched the tickets out of his friend's hands commenting that if his friend was worried about drowning at a Lakers game, David should try drinking his beer a little slower. Laughter had erupted amongst the all the agents in the surrounding cubicles. The laughter had felt right and easy in a way that he'd almost forgotten. But something in him was still wound tight as tick, something that stole the ease he felt in his friends company – like tonight. Colby leaned further into the rail, slumping as if shouldering a great weight.
He couldn't suppress the sigh as he contemplated the lights in the distance.
"Slow leak?"
As he felt a hand rest on his shoulder, Colby instantly straightened. He was greeted by the warm brown smiling eyes of his boss. Breaking up with Liz had not been painless for the older Eppes, but Colby sensed an ease that Don achieved with himself in the last six months that he secretly envied.
Favoring his boss with a crooked smile, he drawled, "Yeah, hey Don. Just enjoying the view from here."
Don's face showed he did not buy the pat answer, but he let it go. "Colby, I have something for you. Couldn't give it to you at work." Don fished the mini DVD disc out of his pants pocket and held it up. "David had a friend in DC get this back from the DOJ. Not exactly through the proper channels. Since all the principle suspects are dead, the evidence on this is no longer critical for a prosecution. Sinclair felt you ought to decide what's done with this." As Don had been used to so many times in the last few months, Colby looked away. Though still willing to joke with everyone as he used to, Colby had adopted a guardedness from time to time that reminded Don of the Colby they had arrested months ago for treason. The man who never looked him in the eye during the entire interrogation. Colby was well versed on interrogation techniques. At the time, Don had thought it was a criminal's way of resisting the interrogation but was baffled that Colby had confessed to everything.
In hindsight, Don had come to realize the younger man had averted his eyes to spare having to see the disappointment and condemnation in theirs. Though even after being vindicated, the habit had not quite died. Megan noticed it too. She was troubled enough after one of Colby's more rash actions - jumping from a balcony onto the bed of a moving truck, that she shared her concerns for the junior agent with Don. She didn't have to point it out. Don had noticed it too. Time wasn't taking care of this wound, so the agent in charge had decided to take charge and give the "kid" a nudge in the right direction.
Colby looked at the disc, he couldn't help a shudder thinking about the contents of the video Lancer had made because his "Excuse the camera. I can't remember things as I used to." He'd wondered if he would have been half so brave if he had not known his words and actions were being recorded for posterity. Colby remembered thinking if Don and the team did find that recording, at least they would understand why he did what he did, especially if he was not around anymore to explain. He knew what it was like to be in his skin when everything on the tape had played out. The younger agent was not sure that he was ready to see how he handled it through the objective eye of a camera. He was damned sure he was not ready to see his own death - no matter how brief.
As if pulling the last thought right out of Granger's head, Don observed "I know no one wants to be reminded of their own mortality. But there's more to this recording than that, Colby."
"It's not just that Don. The tape is why I gave up." Don looked at the younger agent with confusion. Colby intercepted his superior's objection with his explanation.
"If Lancer had known my greatest fear, he…" Colby's eyes darkened. "Let's just say he might have been more successful." Colby realized that he'd painted himself into a corner. He could see from the look on Don's face that he was not going to get away without further explanation. Turning away from his boss, he gripped the railing of the deck and looked out over night sky – the darkness in his soul reaching out for a haven in the darkness spread out before him. Once he told Don the truth, there would be no darkness to hide in. "Look, I was most afraid that I would die, and this would be for nothing. No one would ever know why I did what I did." Colby finally turned to look at Don. "Once I knew that Kirkland was dead, the only hope I had was that maybe someone would get a hold of that video." Colby waved abstractedly at the disc in Don's hand that he had yet to touch. "I knew," The first two words were said with almost religious conviction. "that you, Charlie and the team would find me Don. But I was equally sure that I would not be alive when you did."
"You underestimated Charlie's math and our…" Don knew Colby was not ready to hear the truth, "…determination."
"Yeah, hindsight is 20/20." Don saw a flash of white that signified a genuine smile.
"Did you wonder why I did not yell out to you guys the moment I heard you boarding the ship? I'd given up Don. I was done. Lancer told me he'd kill me as his last act. Even with you breathing down his neck, he was going to do what he promised. And I didn't fight it." Colby couldn't look Don in the eye as he said it. "Don, I think after all the lies - I was ready for it all to be done." Willing death without a fight, the easy way out, what Colby saw as the cowards way out. Here was Colby's greatest fear laid out and exposed. He waited for the look of condemnation he was certain he would see in his supervisor's eyes. He was surprised to see a gentle smile instead.
"Guess you misjudged the depth of friendship that you inspired in Carter. Think you may have underestimated your team as well. But not half as much as you misjudge yourself."
Don dragged his fingers through his hair and tried to organize his thoughts. "Much to my constant annoyance, Colby, you've rarely ever take the easy way out of any given situation. A coward would have taken a new assignment. A coward would not have risked confronting me about wanting back on the team and a coward sure as hell would not have put up with David's anger and frustration to try and earn back a valued friendship." The words were delivered with an almost harsh sense of determination.
Don realized that the younger man was almost standing at attention like a soldier expecting a dressing down.
"Granger…" Don's eyes and voice softened, "Colby - there is truth in this disc… Truth about the man standing before me. Truth about the level of his commitment to duty and his country. Truth about friendship, even after betrayal. Carter gave his life to save yours. Your example, who you are, helped Carter find his better self in the end. It's all in here. So is David moving heaven and earth to get you to breathe when we thought we had lost you. But most of all there is proof of the type of man you are. There is no evidence of a man who wanted to die here, only proof of a man willing to die for what he believes in – his country, his team and his friends. Come to think of it, if you have to watch this," tapping the plastic case for emphasis, "to figure that out, than you might be lost cause."
Then tapping Colby's chest above his heart, Don continued, "If you do not know the truth about who you are here, no video," Don smiled, "or Math equation will ever convince you. A professor told me that once." Don favored Colby with his own lopsided smile.
"Speaking of equations," Don reached into his pocket and pulled out several crumpled pages of white notebook paper. "Charlie noticed that you've been a little quiet – he gave me this to give to you." Don gave the papers to Colby, but made no comment about the tremor he saw in the younger man's hand as he grasped the papers and smoothed them out carefully on a table next to them.
Looking at the papers and not at Don, he asked, "So this is Charlie's trust metric – just how trustworthy I am immortalized in whatever these math dudes use for writing. You know, other than my name, I can't understand a single thing that these papers say." Don heard a sigh and held his peace. He could sense that something was about to break – he only hoped that it would not be this young man he had come to respect as an agent and, though wild horses could not drag it out of him, as his friend.
"Megan told me that it was Charlie's trust metric that gave you all the final push to risk your careers and go after me." Colby reverently folded the crushed papers and tucked them into his shirts breast pocket. "You know Don, could you hang on to that disk for me? I think I have what I need right here." Colby tapped the pocket that rested over his heart.
"No problem Colb. I'll keep it safe for you as long as you want." Don assured him softly.
"You know, Don. That mop-topped brother of yours and his unreadable math scribbles have saved my life more than a couple of times in the last two years." Colby paused for a moment, looking Don in the eye. "Hell, I still have no idea how he pulled me out of the Northgate dam spillway." Colby looked away, "You know, I'd do anything for that crazy kid brother of yours," Don heard the catch in the younger agent's voice. "I'd lay it down for him, man… I hope he knows… no one has believed in me like that. No one… 'cept maybe my dad."
Don pretended to ignore the emotion. He was humbled a little in the face of the raw emotion and unspoken conviction.
There was something about the odd mix of vulnerability and bravado that made Don feel so old and yet much less jaded than an agent of his experience should be. "Colby, you thick-headed idiot," Don said affectionately as he placed a friendly arm around Granger's shoulders, "Don't you realize that we know you would do the same for any one of us? What you've got to realize is that you've got a team that would do the same for you."
Colby favored his boss with a crooked grin, "Yeah Don, I may be a little thick, but I think it's all beginning to add up."
Moving them both back toward the animated voices of the party in progress, Don rolled his eyes and drawled, "Great. All I need is another budding math genius – I need a beer."
The end.