It was Sunday, May 26th, 2013, and only one hour remained until the wedding. So far, everything was going well- surprisingly well. Ted was in his dressing room, prepping and primping himself for his duty as best man. He tied on his tie, adjusted it, looked in the mirror, and smiled. "TSauce, you are lookin' super fine these days," he told himself. He searched around the room for some kind- any kind of cologne. If there was one thing Ted knew, it was that he would be completely irresistable to any woman at this wedding today, and who knew? Maybe The One was going to be there. Unfortunately though, he has forgotten entirely to pack any cologne for the trip to Farhampton, which meant that he would either have to borrow some of Barney's Stinscents (Barney's own personal brand of cologne that he had invented himself and actually managed to market- Barney often carried a small bottle with him somewhere) or even Robin's perfume (Ted himself often thought that it wasn't exactly the leastmanly scent in the world.)
As Ted contemplated his olfactory issue, he heard a knock on his door.
"Come in, I'm not naked!" he yelled, untying his tie only to tie it back on again.
The door opened and Ted saw Lily, looking somewhat nervous. "Ted, the groom needs to see you," she told him fretfully.
"Why, is something wrong?" Ted asked, then answered his own question mentally. Of course something's wrong. This is Barney we're talking about. Something's always wrong.
"Well..it could be worse," Lily replied with a shrug. "Let's just say you probably should go see him before he climbs the pipe. Or throws himself out the window."
"Oh, Barney," Ted muttered under his breath. He exited the room with Lily and made his way to Barney's dressing room down the hall. Once he was there, he knocked on the door once. There was no answer for several minutes, leaving Ted to fear the worst and assume that, possibly, Barney had already fled the room like Klaus had the previous year.
Fortunately though, Barney opened the door not long after. "Ted, thank God you're here!" he exclaimed, greeting Ted instantly with a huge hug right then and there.
"Um..you're welcome, buddy, I guess?" Ted wasn't sure how to respond to Barney's sudden and even somewhat unexpected reaction, so he just hugged him back casually. "Need help talking things through, I suppose?" Ted assumed. "If ya do, then, uh, the TSauce is your guy." Ted smiled smugly.
"Oh, I need more than help talking things through," Barney answered almost immediately, a concerned look developing on his face as his forehead wrinkled worriedly, his fearful blue eyes locked on Ted.
"Ted, I..I don't think I can go through with this wedding," Barney said softly a second later.
"Barney, ya told me you wouldn't do this," Ted reassuringly said in response. "Remember?"
Barney had, in fact, told Ted months earlier that he wasn't gong to freak out too much about the wedding.
"I'm not gonna be one of those guys who balks an hour before just 'cuz he gets cold feet," Barney vowed one day in February of that year, as he and the rest of the gang sat in their booth at MacLaren's. "I'm Barney Stinson. I'd think twice before fleeing from any wedding, even if I weren't getting married to Robin, 'cuz drunk bridesmaids who'eve been downing champagne all night and whining about how lonely they are? That sure isn't something I'd even contemplate walking away from." He paused for a minute, then continued, "I'd be the first one to hop on that train. Stinson's got an eye on all y'all, so, uh, I'll see how hot you are and how long it's been since your cat died and then we'll talk." He winked, then took a sip from his glass.
"You know, the funny thing is how it seems like Barney's completely forgotten that he IS the one getting married this time," Ted remarked.
"Ted. Bro. I've been to countless weddings in my lifetime," Barney retorted. "Point being, I always walk out with someone. If I don't, then I'm just unsatisfied. This time though, I'll be walking out with Robin. That's the difference."
Robin smiled and Barney gave her a quick kiss.
Now it was the present, and the harsh reality of it all hit Barney like a giant rock.
"I didn't say that, Ted, you silly son of a gun!" Barney replied, playfully smacking Ted on the back a few minutes after Ted had referred back to the story.
"Yes, you did! You did too say that!" Ted argued. "You totally said that, and you know what you always say, about how once you say something, you can never go back on it!"
Barney was quiet, though he turned to Ted, raising one eyebrow and shooting him the side- eye. "I've..never said that in my life."
"Well, I'm trying to be your moral support here, okay, just roll with the punches," Ted countered. "And even if you didn't say that, you know that you and Robin are perfect for each other, and if you don't go through with this, then who else is Robin gonna be perfect with?"
Before Barney even had a chance to respond, Ted cut in, "I mean, there's always the best man, I'm sure he'd be open to it in case, y'know, Robin changes her mind or..something.."
Barney smacked Ted on the stomach with a hearty, forceful slap, a motion that was full forced enough to cause Ted to choke for a few minutes. "Guess I deserved that," he gasped out.
"I can't go through with this wedding!" Barney announced again as he sat on the bench in the room, his voice growing shakier as the panic intensified. "Maybe I could climb out the window- no, they always do that, that would be taking the coward's way..hmm, maybe I could make myself disappear! Yeah! It'd be the greatest, awesomest trick I've ever pulled off! Make myself disappear and be back at home in my apartment, this whole thing could just be shaken off as a dream, no one would even guess or catch onto it! Now where did I put my suspension cage, torches, disappearing dust and Bengal tiger?" Barney looked around the room, but Ted tugged him by his collar and wheeled him around.
"You're not disappearing anywhere, this wedding is gonna happen, I didn't spend hours trying to find that locket and crying while eating pints of ice cream for days on end just to see you run off like they all do! Listen to me- you're gonna face your greatest fear, you're gonna walk down the aisle, and you are both going to say 'I do' to each other and make everyone happy- or at least sorta happy! Capiche?"
"Capiche, now let go of the tie, the last thing I need is for you to ruin this, it's imported Mexican silk!" Barney snapped at Ted, who then released Barney from his grip. Barney then proceeded to untie the tie, then continued to tie it back on.
"And what exactly did you say about a tiger?" Ted asked.
"It's no bid deal, Ted, all magicians have one," Barney answered with complete nonchalance, as if this were true and tigers were just common housepets.
" Wha-" Ted started to say, but just then was interrupted by a frantic knocking on the door. "Come in!" he called.
The door swung open, and, to both Ted and Barney's surprise, Robin stepped in. "Barney, I don't think I can go through with this wedding," she told him, then said, "Man, it feels good to get that out."
"I know! Me either! It's like we're both somehow connected in some certain, weird, universe alignment-y way today!" Barney agreed almost instantly, while Ted, who stood between the two, rolled his eyes, unable to believe that his two friends, and the two people who had the second most chemistry in the group, were having such doubts about the wedding, when Ted himself knew that if he were in their shoes, he would be rushing down the aisle as fast as he could.
"Okay, enough of this from both of you!" Ted exclaimed, raising his voice. "Look, I get that you guys are both freaking out over the whole concept of getting married in general, because that's a lot to handle, let's face it, but still, do you really want to just go back to being two deeply in love, slightly annoying individuals, rather than get married and be two deeply annoying individuals together forever?"
Ted saw the look on their faces as they both contemplated it for a second, but he then interrupted with, "Don't answer that, it's a trick question."
"I don't know, Ted," Robin responded. "It's just..ugh, marriage is kind of a load on someone, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm not sure it's a load I want to deal with, I mean, Barney still has some stuff we haven't even begun to figure out yet, like how he farts me awake every night, how he's dropped my toothbrush in the toilet more times than I'm proud of, how he sneaks out every month on the sixteenth to go "werewolfing," whatever that means-"
"May or may not be a euphemism, but go on," Barney stated.
"It's just.." Robin sighed. "It's a lot."
Barney nodded slowly in agreement.
After a long pause, Ted finally spoke up. "Well then I guess your minds are made up. You really don't want to get married after all. And you know what? That's fine, I get you. Sort of. Even though we drove all the way out here for you guys. Even though I've had to withstand hitting a porcupine with my car, and had to put out a fire due to the horribly-gone-wrong Mosby Arch Theaters production I put on for you, which, by the way, was not a piece of cake by any means, especially not the treating my third degree burns part and the getting the ash out of my hair part. But, to be fair, I guess I see where you're both coming from, so, uh…you got your wish. I'll leave you both alone."
Ted turned and slowly exited the room while Barney and Robin watched him leave, wondering themselves if they were making the right choice or not. Barney placed his hand on Robin's shoulder and gave a small half shrug to her.
But in less than a minute, after Ted had left the room, the door clicked. Locked. And Barney was at it immediately.
"Ted, no, ya can't do this again!" he yelled, jarring the handle. "We had 'The Talk' four years ago, there's nothing left to discuss anymore, and you know what Robin and I are gonna do in here, so.." He turned and looked at Robin, who nodded her head.
However, Ted wasn't expecting 'The Talk' this time. Momentarily, a website was flicked onto the small TV screen in the room (That Ted had apparently managed to hook up to the Internet somehow). And the name of the website was, in big, red lettering across the front page, . That particular website had, in fact, been made four years ago, but it was something that neither Barney or Robin, or really the rest of the gang for that matter ever felt compelled to bring up.
It has all begun during the summer of 2009, when Barney had first started to dating Robin.
It was just another normal day in the bar when the subject matter came up, and naturally, the subject matter was one that was brought up by Ted. He had with him that day the latest issue of a magazine he had long read and subscribed to, called Piques of Romance, and was currently sitting at the table, entirely immersed in it.
This caused a short bout of awkward silence as the rest of the gang slowly but collectively leaned in to get a glimpse at what Ted was reading and why, but they then leaned back again.
"No idea," Marshall told them.
"Okay, here's an important question for you guys," Ted said not long after, but long after enough that the response was more than slightly delayed. "Piques of Romance's question of the month is…what would you do for your significant other in terms of ridiculousness?"
Marshall stroked his chin in thought and Barney looked off, tapping his fingers on the table.
"Hmmm…in terms of ridiculousness," Barney echoed. "Give me some examples."
"Would you A) dance around in a banana costume in public for two hours," Ted read, "B) buy your significant other a teddy bear that says 'I love you' every time they get near it, C) bungee jump off of the empire state, or D) create a website about your relationship that's open to the public?"
"Probably the website one," both Barney and Marshall happened to say at the exact same time. As soon as the words left Barney's mouth, however, he instantly regretted it, eyes wide and fearful as he turned and looked at Marshall, fearing that Marshall would either jinx him again, or perhaps do something else that Barney wouldn't want to have to deal with. For a few minutes, Barney and Marshall just stared each other down and Barney raised an eyebrow at Marshall suspiciously.
"Okay, Barney, I know how you and Robin work; neither of you guys would be open to creating a website that publicly advertises your relationship," Marshall told them in a very matter of fact way. "You guys are different. Now, Lily and I on the other hand, we're uh..I guess you could say that we're the masters of shameless relationship advertising. We've been there, we've done that, y'know, and we want people to know it I guess. We're as open as a field of daisies. A lovely field of daisies." Marshall smiled, displaying a cocky air of arrogance that only angered Barney more.
"Uh-uh, I cry foul!" Barney exclaimed, standing up from his seat heatedly before Lily ordered him to sit down and gently pushed him back into his chair.
"I cry foul, Eriksen!" Barney repeated. "Take a good look around you. Now riddle me this: do you see anyone at this table who doesn't seem like they're totally content in their relationship and wouldn't change it for the world, content enough that they'd be willing to develop their own website about it if needed?"
"I see Ted," Marshall responded.
"How dare you!" Ted exclaimed. "But yeah, it actually is true, I can't lie about that."
"But aside from Ted, 'cuz, well, 'cuz he's Ted." Barney shrugged. "Seems fair. Anyway, Robin and I have more than enough relationship experience to start our own website. We've got so much experience, actually, that it would put the most experienced man on Earth to shame, if of course, there is another one besides me." Barney threw in a wink for good measure, then continued. "Sure we've only dated..two, three-ish weeks. Sure we've messed up a few times in those four weeks."
"You just said three," Marshall stated.
"The point is, it doesn't matter," Barney argued. "Because as a fact, I can guarantee you that Robin and I have more experience in the dating-love- whatever world than you and Lily ever have had. In fact, I propose to you a challenge."
"Really? You propose to me a challenge?"
"Yeah, I propose to you a challenge."
"What kind of challenge do you propose?"
"The kind of challenge where I win, you lose, and I kick your butt is the kind of challenge I propose."
"How will you go about proposing this challenge?"
"I'll propose this challenge however I want to, Eriksen."
"I don't think you should propose the challenge," Ted told Barney.
"Propose the challenge I shall!" Barney announced decidedly.
"What's the challenge?" Marshall questioned.
"My challenge to you, Marshall, is to create a website about you and Lily's relationship-"
"Piece of cake."
"Let me finish," Barney growled out, continuing from his previous sentence. "That perfectly embodies it and that draws in viewers that evidently will be desperate enough to visit some dude's weird website,however, Robin and I will also create a website, and, and whoever's site gets the most view will win this challenge by proving their relationship is better." Barney smiled smugly, nodding his head slowly. "You're scared, aren't you?"
"No," Marshall answered. "Why should I be? Lily and I are gonna take this. We're gonna own it. Just like we owned that Coney Island pie eating contest of '99, which is something I can assure you that you and Robin have never done."
;Lily and Marshall high-fived proudly.
"Oh, like we haven't owned other contests before," Barney retorted.
"Yeah, that drinking game we had last week, over how many times a night Ted talks in his sleep?" Robin offered. "That got intense."
There was an exceptionally long bout of awkward silence for several minutes as Ted, Barney, and Robin all exchanged looks.
"Why were you in my bedroom?" Ted finally asked.
Barney chose to ignore him. "I'll see you on the other side, Eriksen. And you'll be crying. 'Cuz you'll have lost the challenge miserably." He and Robin got up from the booth together. "And the next time you see this face, it'll be smiling. And so will this one." He pointed to Robin's face. "Peace out, bros. Not!" He concluded by smacking Robin affectionately on the lower back and they both headed out together.
"Hey, quick question- why were Barney and Robin in my room?" Ted asked as they left.
"Now's not a good time, Ted," Lily said, her arms crossed.
Later in the night, Barney sat typing away on his laptop.
"So how's the owning Marshall and Lily thing going so far?" Robin inquired as she joined him by the desk.
"Actually pretty amazing!" Barney chirped, an eager smile on his face. "The only thing I'm kinda stuck on though is the actual title of the website…" He stared at the computer screen, concentrating, resting his hand on his chin.
"I got it- ," Robin suggested.
"Nah, too cheesy," Barney said. " ?"
"True, but not really too catchy," Robin countered. "Oh, wait, I've got a good one."
And both Barney and Robin said the title at the exact same moment.
" ."
Then, they both collectively turned and looked at each other, and their only words were, "Aaawwww!"
"We're so gonna own them and watch them run crying," Barney told Robin confidently with a smile. He then paused, and said, in a quieter tone, "But…to be fair, they are our friends, so…I hope this doesn't, like, totally hurt their feelings or anything.."
"Hope it doesn't hurt their feelings? Of course not!" Robin said, placing her hand on Barney's shoulder. "Hope it doesn't hurt their feelings too much." She smiled deviantly.
"See this is the exact reason I love you!" Barney said. He leaned in and kissed Robin, which lasted for a few minutes before escalating into them falling to the floor together, making out.
It was the present day, and the website was displayed boldly on the screen in the room above their heads.
"In the end..we really did win that bet," Robin told Barney.
"Which meant that we were the better couple," Barney added. He paused for a long time, tongue planted in cheek. "We won that challenge. Over Marshall and Lily."
"We're pretty awesome," Robin said proudly.
"There really isn't anything we can't do," Barney said in agreement. "I…really do love you, Robin. I mean..you've gotten me through so much in my life, and if you hadn't been around all these years, then really, who would I have to thank for that? Maybe I've messed up a few times. Maybe I still do. But at least with you around, I…kinda feel more comfortable messing up. You always sorta just forgive me for my mistakes, and I've never known anyone who really did that before you. You accept me. So who am I to say that we can't or shouldn't get married? I've gotten so attached to being around you, that if we ever weren't, y'know, around each other every day, um…I don't really know what I'd ever do about that."
"Do you think we're ready to get married?" Robin questioned.
Barney was silent, then said, "Yeah." He licked his lips. "I think we really are."
He stood up. "Ted, you uh..you can let us out now."
The door opened, and Ted, Marshall, and Lily were all standing there. Ted was smiling, but Barney was slightly shocked.
"Y-you guys heard all of that?" he stammered.
"Every second of it," Lily replied with a smile, proud of her favorite couple in the world and how far they'd come.
"Come here, buddy," Ted gestured, and Barney leaned in and hugged him. When they'd separated, Barney patted Ted on the back gently, and said, "Best best man ever."
"Well, I guess it's time to cut to the chase," Robin told Barney. "Let's get married."
"It's gonna be the awesomest wedding history will ever know," Barney said proudly.
"You know it," Robin agreed.
And with that, they walked off together, thinking about the legendary life they had ahead of them. Ted still smiled, knowing that, though he may still have had a few lingering feelings for Robin, Robin was going to be truly happy now. And today, he was the one behind it all.