"Bit weird."
Hardy didn't reply.
"You never answered me before - did you have sex with Claire?"
"Go to sleep, Miller." He turned on his side, her words running through his head. He thought, in that moment, of Claire, then squeezed his eyes shut, blinking away the image. What a nightmare that had been.
Ellie was quiet for a few minutes, and he wondered if she'd fallen asleep.
Then, the unmistakable sound of two people having quite thorough sex became apparent, muffled through the wall.
"Oh, Christ," he murmured, just as the man next door groaned out a similar blasphemous phrase.
"Gosh, they're really going at it, aren't they?"
"Just ignore it."
The headboard of next door's occupants began to bash against the wall.
"Oh, yeah, that's easy to ignore, that is," Ellie retorted.
Hardy rolled onto his back with a huff. "It's so selfish. Don't they realise people want to sleep at this time of night?"
"Shall I ring reception, get them to tell 'em to keep it down?"
Hardy sniffed, seriously considering that idea.
"No, actually," she continued, revising her suggestion, "I shouldn't do that - it'll only make me feel old."
He turned his head in her direction. "What? Why?"
"You know, spoiling the young people's fun and all that."
Hardy looked back up at the ceiling. "You're not old, Miller."
"Coming from you that sounds like a compliment."
He made a non-committal noise and ran his hand down his face tiredly.
"Can I ask you a personal question?"
"No, but you're going to anyway, so get it over with."
"Can you - with your condition - "
"It's not a condition," he interrupted, repeating his words from earlier.
"Yes it is!" she exclaimed, and continued, "With your condition, can you, you know…do all that."
He rolled his head towards her to stare in disbelief.
"What? Just curious," she said. "After all, we could use that to refute the idea that you and me were having some torrid affair."
"As soon as they get wind of my 'condition,'" he replied, gesturing quotation marks with his fingers, "They'll argue that I wasn't fit to be on the case to start with. Think it through."
"Right, good point." She paused. "But can you?"
"Jesus," he huffed.
"I'm just worried about you, that's all."
"I'm fine."
"So - "
Gritting his teeth, he replied, "Consultant doesn't advise…that, right now. But after the operation, I'm going to be fine, so you can stop worrying about my love life."
"I didn't say I was worrying about your love life," she muttered, sounding disgusted. "Ugh."
They quietened, and listened awkwardly to the sounds coming from the neighbouring room.
Moments later, Ellie spoke again, "I keep thinking about the other night."
Hardy tried to ignore the way his heart started speeding up. He wasn't about to tell her that he'd been thinking about her visit to his house too, but it was gratifying to hear he wasn't the only one preoccupied with it. "Hmm?"
"When I took that bloke back to Claire's."
His stomach flipped. "Oh, right. That."
"I regret it."
He smoothed his hand along his beard, considering what on earth to say.
"Why did I do it?" she said, when he didn't reply after a few seconds.
"Don't go doing something daft like feeling guilty," Hardy said carefully. "Your marriage is over, you have every right to move on. You should."
"It's not that. I just wish it hadn't been a stranger."
Hardy sighed. "Yeah."
"I mean, look at Claire. She has that sort of confidence, you know what I mean? She can go out and charm a stranger and it's fine, she enjoyed herself, and that's great for her, it really is. And then there's me…ugh, I don't know."
"Miller…"
"I just feel as though I'm gonna be alone forever, now."
"This is a tremendously depressing conversation to be having whilst hearing the two people next door shagging so enthusiastically," he pointed out. Ellie actually gasped, and he looked at her. "What?" She was laughing to herself. He narrowed his eyes. "What?" he repeated.
"Nothing," she said, muffling a snort. "Thanks for that. Needed it."
"I don't think I'm ever going to understand you," he said, crossing his arms.
Gradually, the sounds coming from next door lowered in volume, until finally, blessedly, they stopped altogether.
"Thank fuck for that," Hardy mumbled, and Ellie giggled again. He rolled his eyes.
"Wonder if they'll go for round two," she piped up.
He let out a whoosh of breath. "If they do, then I'm gonna bang on the wall and tell them to shut up."
"Yeah, they need to stop rubbing our faces in it," Ellie said.
His lips twitched.
They lay there in silence again for a bit, both of them staring up at the ceiling. Suddenly, he felt compelled to address her earlier statement.
"You're not gonna be alone forever."
He heard her sigh.
"Just because you've been married to the same bloke for twelve years doesn't mean you can't start again."
"Says you," she retorted. "You ever considered having another relationship? After you and your wife broke up?"
"No. I've not got time."
"Ha, yeah, all right." She was quiet for a second, then continued, "What about your wife?"
"Let's not talk about her."
"Okay. But you'd never get back together with her?"
"No."
"Never?"
"Nope. My marriage was over a long time ago."
"Ah."
Hardy sighed. "I'm not the best example."
"Eh?"
"Don't look at me and think, 'oh, he's miserable now that he's divorced, so I've got to be too.' I'm not good at all that - all that stuff. You're different."
"Different?"
"Warmer." He shrugged a shoulder. "Nicer."
"I don't think I have all that much going for me, to be honest."
"Miller."
"Well I don't, do I? Claire, she's - she's attractive and fun and adventurous, and - "
"And what, you're not?" he asked, turning his head to face her.
She rolled her eyes. "Any good things I might've brought to the dating game years ago have now been so wonderfully obscured by the fact that I have a murdering scumbag of an ex. And to be honest, I wasn't ever very good at dating to begin with."
"I don't know why you keep comparing yourself to Claire," he said, ignoring her. "For a start, she's technically a suspect. You've done nothing wrong. Anyway, you are completely different people. Stop bringing her up as some sort of higher being just because she finds it easier to flirt, or whatever."
Ellie raised her eyebrows. "All right! Don't have to get touchy about it."
"I'm not."
"The thing is - "
"Miller, do you think we can pause this conversation?" he asked, rubbing at his eye. "It's late, and they've finally shut up next door, let's get to sleep while we can, eh?"
"By pause, you mean never bring it up again, don't you?" she said.
"It's just not really my area of expertise."
"Right. Fine, yeah. Sorry."
"No, you - you don't have to apologise. Christ, have I upset you?"
"No, course not. It's fine. Night." She rolled over to face the wall.
He sighed. "Goodnight."
This time, when he turned back onto his side to sleep, he closed his eyes, and saw Ellie.
He told himself, as he had done many times lately, that it was just because she was his friend - his only friend, actually.
Only natural, that he'd think of her. Besides. She'd been prattling on at him for the last half hour. Of course she'd be on his mind.
::
Hardy sat up with a jolt, panting for breath. He felt Ellie's hand on his back, rubbing up and down his spine.
"Hey, are you okay?"
He tried to steady his breathing, and pressed his palm over his heart, wincing in pain. "I'm fine. Just a nightmare."
"Do you get them a lot?"
"Yes. Dream I'm drowning." He swung his legs over the edge of the bed, reaching to the floor for his bag. Grabbing his pills, he stood, and made his way to the bathroom for some water. When he returned to the bed, she'd put her lamp on.
"What?" he asked, because she was regarding him expectantly.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
He levelled her a disbelieving look.
"Right, course not," she said.
Lying down next to her, he murmured, "I'm all right. You can turn the light off and go back to sleep."
She hesitated. "Sure?"
"Yes."
The light flickered off.
"I have nightmares too," she confided quietly, into the dark.
Hardy swallowed. "Right. About…"
"Yeah."
She sniffed.
He turned towards her on his side. "Miller?"
She nibbled on her bottom lip but didn't say anything.
"What is it?" he said softly.
"I'm gonna regret saying it."
"Okay, then don't."
"I'm going to anyway. Hardy. I'm so lonely."
"Oh," he whispered, and it was daft, it was just a muscle, an organ, incapable of clenching in compassion, but he could swear in that moment that his heart ached for her.
It was dark, but there were streetlights still on outside their window, so he could just make out her expression where the light hit. A tear was sliding from the corner of her eye, down the side of her face. Without thought, he reached out and swiped the tear away with the backs of his fingers, inadvertently stroking her cheek in the process. She didn't flinch, but he could tell from her widening eyes that she was surprised. He withdrew his hand, placing it between them on the pillow.
"You'll find someone. You'll be happy again."
"How can you know that?"
"Because you deserve it."
"Doesn't work like that."
"It should."
Ellie sighed. "You know, most of the time you infuriate me, but you can be quite sweet. Occasionally."
"I'm not trying to be sweet, I'm just being honest," he grumbled.
"That's what's sweet about it."
They lay on their sides staring at each other for a few minutes. He felt a bit awkward about it, but he couldn't bring himself to roll away from her again. He was fed up, if he was honest with himself, with shutting her out. It was the middle of the night, and they had to be up early, and he was completely exhausted, but his eyes remained stubbornly open, looking into hers. His heart started thumping again. He really had no idea what the bloody hell was wrong with him.
"My sister asked me if it was true," Ellie murmured.
"What's that?"
"What they said in court, about us. My own sister thought it might be true! Can you believe that?"
"What did you tell her?"
She placed her hand on the pillow between them, next to where his rested. "Said it was rubbish. Told her to make sure people knew that."
"Right." He swallowed hard. Eyebrows drawn together, he tried to think of what to say, something that didn't betray his feelings on the matter but would let him out of this conversation so that he could sleep.
"Her saying that made me think, though," she said next, and the way she was looking at him now seemed assessing, as though she were choosing her words carefully and observing his reaction. "Funny how people interpret things, isn't it? Outsiders looking in. When you can be in the midst of it and not even realise."
Hardy's fingers curled into the fabric of the pillowcase. "What are you saying?"
"It's not too much of a leap for them to make after all, I suppose. I mean, Brian asked me out when I was still married…"
"So?"
"So, clearly some men think there's something I've got to offer." She smiled half-heartedly. "Though, course, now he's off the shelf anyway."
"You weren't even interested in him."
"I know." She shrugged. "Like I said. Lonely."
"Ellie - "
"I keep wondering if it was something I did. Something I didn't do." Her voice wobbled. "With Joe. To make him…"
Hardy took her hand, but kept looking at her, pretending he hadn't done so. "Stop it. None of what he…it's on him. All of that. It's Joe's fault, Joe's responsibility. There is nothing you could have done differently."
"I thought we were happy."
"I know."
"I thought I was a good wife."
"I'm sure you were. He just couldn't see it."
"I liked being married. Liked having someone always there, you know? Maybe you don't. Maybe you can cope with being solitary. But I need people around me, I need…it feels like everything's slipping away, like I'm losing everyone. Joe, Tom, Beth, all my friends, people at work."
"I know."
She sniffed, and wiped at her eyes with her free hand. "Bloody typical that the only person left to be here for me is you. The grumpy bloke who stole my flipping job."
Hardy cracked a smile. "You're never gonna let me off the hook for that, are you?"
"No I'm bloody not," she said, through a laugh.
"Come here."
"What?" She looked astonished, even after all she'd shared with him tonight.
"Just bloody well let me give you a hug," he huffed, letting go of her hand and opening his arms.
She stared at him. "You don't really want to. It makes you uncomfortable. Do you even know how to hug?"
"Do you seriously think I've gone my whole life without - " He stopped when he saw her bite her lip, muffling a laugh. "You're teasing me."
She shuffled over, accepting his gracious offer. He wrapped his arms around her, settling his chin on top of her head, closing his eyes when she sneaked her arm around him, too.
"Bit weird," she said, echoing her sentiment of earlier tonight.
"Is it though?" he asked. He took a chance and dropped a faint kiss to her hair.
"Maybe."
"I do, occasionally, show affection," he murmured. "I'm not a complete alien to it."
"I know. Well, I mean, I imagine that's true. You have a daughter, I'm sure you've…you must've…"
"What?" He chuckled. "Had sex at least once?"
"No!" she exclaimed, whacking his side lightly. "I meant, I'm sure you show affection towards her."
He hummed thoughtfully. "I think I was quite good at being a dad, to start off with. It got more difficult as she got older. And then, when things with Tess…I wish I could see her more."
"What's her name?"
"Daisy."
Ellie pulled back, out of his embrace, to meet his eye. "That's a lovely name."
"Thank you."
Though, ostensibly, the hug was over, one of his hands still lingered on her back. He slowly slid it down, around her waist, then brought it to rest between them again, letting go of her completely.
"Thank you," Ellie whispered.
He realised, with surprise, with something else a little like surprise but also slightly different, something that made his veins tingle as his pulse sped up and adrenaline coursed through his system, that she wasn't breathing steadily, and neither was he. Their chests rose up and down quickly, in sync, as they stared at one another. She looked terrified.
"Are you all right?" he murmured.
"I don't think I can be, 'cos - what I'm thinking -" She broke off, nibbled on the corner of her mouth for a second. "What I'm feeling, it's…"
He cleared his throat. "Unexpected?"
She nodded.
"Me too."
Eyes widening as she watched her own hand move, she cupped his cheek, and he leant into her palm. "This stupid beard," she muttered. His eyebrows drew together, and she moved her hand up, fingers tracing them. "This stupid frown." Her hand dropped to his shirt, and she tugged on the collar. "The same stupid rumpled suit. I bet you always sleep in it, even when you don't have to share with a friend."
He tilted his head closer, and her fingers tightened their grip on his shirt. "Miller."
"I never would've believed it."
"What?"
"That you had a thing for me."
"Ah." His hand landed back on her waist. "Well, keep nattering on and I'm sure I'll get over it."
Her lips twitched, and he leant in and kissed them. His arm slipped around her and she started to kiss back almost instantly, her mouth firmly against his one second, then opening and deepening the kiss the next. She pulled herself closer to him, sliding a leg between his, and he shuddered at the feeling of her pressed all along his body.
When they eased out of the kiss to catch their breaths, she whispered, "So that's, um. That's different."
"We should stop," he replied, but his arm still held her close.
"Right, yeah, course." She ducked her head. "Mistake, got it."
"No."
She looked back up at him. "Hmm?"
"I don't think that. But you might, tomorrow."
"Hardy - "
He felt his cheeks heat up. "You're feeling vulnerable and lonely and I'm here. I am, I'm here for you. But you might change your mind about just how…here for you you want me to be, when you wake up."
Ellie nodded. "Okay."
He went to lift his arm from her but she grabbed it and snuggled right back into his hold.
"Can we still - is this all right?" she asked quietly, settling her head against his chest.
"Yes." He stroked his thumb against her shoulder blade. "Yeah, this is all right."