A/N: I am fully aware of things in this story that aren't consistent with the Harry Potter books. I just wrote this for fun and in the middle of the night (But I did spell check it I really did!) and so yep. It's weird but I had nothing better to do with it. I wrote this many years ago and decided to post it. Enjoy.

THE TRUE STORY of the Boy-Who-Lived

Hello reader! Come. Sit down. Have a chair. Or whatever it is you most enjoy to sit upon. Now, have you ever wondered about the Boy-Who-Lived? I certainly have. I didn't find the story given believable… (though it was well written). I mean, honestly, why didn't Harry die? If Voldemort really wanted to kill him. It just didn't make sense. I guess the Love Shield concept was epic but I wasn't ready to accept that. And so I did some digging. And now I know. I know the true story. And I will tell it to you. Here, today, you can learn who the Boy-Who-Lived is, what happened to his parents, what happened to Voldemort and why he's after Harry. So read on. Unless you'd rather believe a lie.

Harry was stupid. I guess that's the reason all this really happened. He wasn't really to be blamed for his stupidity, he was just a baby. So let's say he was…unlearned. There we go. Harry did not possess a lot of knowledge in his noggin. But it's easier to say he was stupid, it gets the concept across just as effectively and you need to understand this. Please say it aloud now: "Harry was stupid." Thank you.

His parents were both successful people and they loved their son very much. One cold October night his parents, Lily and James, sat down for a cup of tea and some crumpets and left their son in the kitchen.

At the same time there was a young, tall, dark, and handsome wizard abroad. He mastered the magical arts and decided to go into the marketing business. Yes, he was a door to door salesman. He sold an anti-aging potion his good friend Severus and he had invented. It was called "Anti-death" for lack of a catchier name. This young, tall, dark, and handsome wizard was named Tom Marvolo Riddle. But he wanted people to remember his name, so to succeed in his marketing ventures. And so he changed his name to VOLDEMORT. Because, face it, which name would you more likely remember-Tom or VOLDEMORT?

So anyway, this Voldemort fellow had many employees who helped him sell his widely popular product. His helpers were called Death Eaters because on the label of the Anti-death potion it stated, "Will eat up the death within and restore you to happiness, joy and boundless energy!"

Back to Lily and James. Sadly, the young couple was going bankrupt. So, James' uncle, Albus Brian Percival Wulfric Dumbledore (bet you didn't know he was James' uncle, huh?) decided he needed to shield the young couple from the dangers of door to door salesmen. Especially with this new product being marketed, because it was rather expensive and James and Lily were very impulsive spenders. So he moved his nephew and family to a hidden house where people could not find them. That way the Death Eaters would not come knocking and offer to sell them their product. This was very good for the Potter's. They bought everything people offered to them. Little did they know that their good friend Peter Pettigrew had recently become a Death Eater. He'd just been hired at McDonald's and had been beyond delighted to gain his new position, selling Anti-death. All Peter wanted was to keep this new job. He wouldn't mind being Sales Person of the week either. So he referred his friends, the Potters, to Voldemort, hoping to gain his favor. Voldemort set off to sell, going himself to the Potter's residence which Peter had revealed to him, hoping to make a great sale. Sadly, Voldemort was a very delicate person. His skin was easily hurt and damaged. So easily that even rain bothered it. And it was raining hard that night, so he wore a long, black, waterproof cloak. Soon he arrived at the Potter's house….

DON DON DON!

We was about to knock on the door when he realized the door too was all wet. Oh no! Thus he used his wand to unlock the door (which even he later admitted was a bit creepy) and sort of called into the house.

"Oh come in," Lily called absently, because normally the only people who dropped in were people she knew due to the hiddenness of her home.

Voldemort was following her voice to the kitchen when he heard her scream.

He looked in on the scene which was happening in the kitchen.

Lily and James thought their son was going to die. Harry was sitting on the counter and he was sticking a fork in the toaster. He was sort of spazzing out, the way people do when they're being electrified. Lily and James, and this is sad, were so scared and concerned that they simply fell down on the floor dead. Completely dead. Voldemort rushed forward, intending to save the little boy. As he grabbed Harry the electric shock traveled through the baby and into Voldemort's body. Harry survived with just a scar and extremely hard to manage hair but delicate Voldemort was nearly dead. He retreated from the house and ran through the woods. He was ugly now. His hair was gone. It had been shocked straight out of his head. He put his face in his hands and began to cry. AHH! Oh the horror!

"Where's my NOSE?" he screamed. Not his nose. His face was snakelike, disfigured. "I promise you, my darling nose, I shall avenge you!" Voldemort shouted to the night sky.

The rest, as we know, is legend. And there you have it. Don't you feel silly now, hating Voldemort? He was merely driven mad at the loss of his nose, and so I urge you reader, don't get too attached to yours…