Once upon a time there lived a kitten named Edward. And he turned into a man at every full moon. One day a skinny little man named Jacob with no muscles found Edward abandoned in a box with no breathing holes. He opened the box to find half dead kitten. The kitten was snow white with golden eyes. Jacob made a kitten pack that he wore on the front of his body (we don't know what it's called) and carried Edward around everywhere. They were BFFs. On March 1st Bella tried to steal Edward away and her wimpy happy go lucky boyfriend Jasper didn't care. Rosaline said Bella should be nice and not steal the Edward but Bella slapped her and stole him anyway. Jacob was left crying in a puddle of his own tears. Carlisle dyed (not painted) his fingernails purple, his hair pink and his body blue (if he was green he would die). Carlisle felt bad for Jacob but left to talk to Emmett. Emmett, who is emo, got in a fight with Carlisle over whether planet X was shaped like an X. Carlisle flew up to space to investigate.
Meanwhile: "This woman is scary," thought Edward.
Bella tortured Edward by eating fish and drinking milk and she wouldn't give him any. She was horrible and mean. She had him de-clawed and shaved him. He missed his Jacob bear.
Meanwhile Jacob got drunk at a bar with Alice and forgot all about his Edward. He lived it up, and tried to forget his pain drinking and partying. Bella showed up at the bar dragging Edward behind her on a leash. Edward saw that Jacob didn't miss him at all and was hurt. (Or so he thought). Edward ran to Jacob and Jacob ran to Edward. Bella screamed and punched a fat guy. Planet X Blew up because Carlisle stepped on the X on the X on planet X which was apparently a bomb that the government planted there just in case they wanted to blow up the rest of there planet in case they wanted to declare a war. The earthlings didn't want the government to know that there were other life forms on earth. It was their turn to keep stuff from the government. Those life forms were called pokemon. OJ beats his pokemon. Emmett went to emo anonymous. Jasper didn't care and Rosalie went and did her hair. Alice went back to Wonderland were she was greeted with a warm welcome. Edwards mom doesn't notice anything because she's sleeping at the bar table passed out. The minute Edward jumped into Jacob's arms the moon came up, and guess what? It was a full moon tonight.